LBeyond
New member
I've been looking around for a support group for a few weeks now. I tried joining a couple of smaller online ones, but found they're inactive at best. I'm seeking a proper therapist, but am trying to build some support network until I do. I'm not used to discussing things like this, and I certainly feel a bit ridiculous still, when I try talking with the few people I know about it. I have nobody in my life who can relate, though, and it's been slowly tearing me apart.
My wife and I, now married just under ten years, have two children (her son of a previous marriage and our younger daughter), and had attempted a polyfi relationship. It ended after a month and a half, we're trying to recover from it, and that's the short-hand.
Here's where I start to get self-conscious... A few years ago my wife was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She suffers from moderate to severe audio hallucinations, but with treatment things are fairly evened out. Around that time she also realized her attraction for women, which was something she had repressed for a very long time. Very conservative family upbringing. While she was exploring this side of herself, the idea of her having a girlfriend opened up. I was supportive, having had a bisexual girlfriend with girlfriends before. My wife had some friends in another state who shared a girlfriend, so that idea had also come up. After a good couple of years considering it, we found someone she and I were both physically attracted to, and who my wife was fairly fond of. She was a former classmate of my wife's. Let's call my wife M. and our ex U.
M.'s always been reserved and self-conscious, and so she had me contact U. and get to know her a bit. I'm a social person, so getting to know U. went easily enough, and I found that I appreciated an incredible amount about her. A week or so went by, and I asked M. if I should talk with U. about it. Things she posted on Facebook seemed to indicate she was at least respectful of the topic, if not open to it... We dated for just under two months, and while my wife didn't bond with her, I did. She had an uncanny understanding of my wife's condition, had helped me through a couple of severe episodes, and gave me comfort I couldn't find anywhere else. I'm estranged from my parents and sibling, few acquaintances who have moved out of country, and no close friends to speak of.
While M. realized the relationship wasn't working out, U.'s own therapist diagnosed her with schizotypal disorder. It made sense out of her apparent familiarity with my wife's symptoms, but then M. announced it was over. I had promised the both of them to put M. and I's marriage first. We'd had ground rules, good communication. The break still went poorly. In the process, M. had me act as messenger, and it hurt like Hell. Both M. and U. went through various levels of psychosis, and I watched everything fall apart feeling helpless. I'd gone into the relationship wanting my wife to be able to explore herself in ways she never thought she could or would, and ended up realizing more about my own feelings than I expected to.
I had to force a temporary cut-off from U., needing time to establish some kind of distance. After a while, I reconnected superficially, just to get used to seeing her face over Facebook again. Slowly started asking her more often how things were going, what was happening... Now, a full year later, I've thought of her almost every day. I've made my choices, I'm struggling through my grief and trying to make amends when and where I can, but what hurts most is knowing my wife has no understanding of what I'm thinking or feeling.
She's returned to strictly monogamous belief, and I respect that. I don't aim to be a sleaze in my life. I don't aim to hurt or betray her. But, the few times I tried to talk with her about it, I see the fresh hurt in her eyes. If I seek any solace from her too often, it completely breaks her. So it all gets locked inside. I feel guilty when I keep it in, like I'm hiding something; I feel ashamed when I break down and want my wife's comfort. Even after hours-long conversations, trying to explain the way I feel, and how it doesn't diminish my love for her, I still see my wife fumble the idea around. Her disorder breeds doubt and fears, and it just pieces her apart until she exhausts herself. Meanwhile, though I've still had occasional conversations with U., I know she blames me for things. I know she's distant and that I can't confide in her. Even though my wife says it's fine for us to be friends, I realize I struggle with that. My feelings haven't gone away, and knowing how I've reacted in the past, it could take quite a few years to soften.
I don't know how to respond when my wife asks, "Why can't you just move on? We only dated her for a couple months." I don't know how to bear it when she talks about all the little things that irritated her about U., and I just feel a pit in my stomach. I've given my wife a third of my life, and I don't plan on ending it. There's so much that she does give me, and even if she can't understand what I'm going through, we've both sacrificed a lot for each other over the years. Still, with her being the only person I can talk to, I really don't have anyone to discuss this with.
I guess, I want to know if there's any advice on communicating with someone who can't comprehend polyamorous love? I've scoured the internet, tried to talk about the errors in wallet love, or the scarcity model. I've tried to explain that, just because I can fulfill certain needs through other people, it doesn't mean I need her any less. I'd also like to know any way to stop feeling this guilt and disgust in myself for letting this happen. I imagine the answer is just, time, but... I hope something else can help.
My wife and I, now married just under ten years, have two children (her son of a previous marriage and our younger daughter), and had attempted a polyfi relationship. It ended after a month and a half, we're trying to recover from it, and that's the short-hand.
Here's where I start to get self-conscious... A few years ago my wife was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She suffers from moderate to severe audio hallucinations, but with treatment things are fairly evened out. Around that time she also realized her attraction for women, which was something she had repressed for a very long time. Very conservative family upbringing. While she was exploring this side of herself, the idea of her having a girlfriend opened up. I was supportive, having had a bisexual girlfriend with girlfriends before. My wife had some friends in another state who shared a girlfriend, so that idea had also come up. After a good couple of years considering it, we found someone she and I were both physically attracted to, and who my wife was fairly fond of. She was a former classmate of my wife's. Let's call my wife M. and our ex U.
M.'s always been reserved and self-conscious, and so she had me contact U. and get to know her a bit. I'm a social person, so getting to know U. went easily enough, and I found that I appreciated an incredible amount about her. A week or so went by, and I asked M. if I should talk with U. about it. Things she posted on Facebook seemed to indicate she was at least respectful of the topic, if not open to it... We dated for just under two months, and while my wife didn't bond with her, I did. She had an uncanny understanding of my wife's condition, had helped me through a couple of severe episodes, and gave me comfort I couldn't find anywhere else. I'm estranged from my parents and sibling, few acquaintances who have moved out of country, and no close friends to speak of.
While M. realized the relationship wasn't working out, U.'s own therapist diagnosed her with schizotypal disorder. It made sense out of her apparent familiarity with my wife's symptoms, but then M. announced it was over. I had promised the both of them to put M. and I's marriage first. We'd had ground rules, good communication. The break still went poorly. In the process, M. had me act as messenger, and it hurt like Hell. Both M. and U. went through various levels of psychosis, and I watched everything fall apart feeling helpless. I'd gone into the relationship wanting my wife to be able to explore herself in ways she never thought she could or would, and ended up realizing more about my own feelings than I expected to.
I had to force a temporary cut-off from U., needing time to establish some kind of distance. After a while, I reconnected superficially, just to get used to seeing her face over Facebook again. Slowly started asking her more often how things were going, what was happening... Now, a full year later, I've thought of her almost every day. I've made my choices, I'm struggling through my grief and trying to make amends when and where I can, but what hurts most is knowing my wife has no understanding of what I'm thinking or feeling.
She's returned to strictly monogamous belief, and I respect that. I don't aim to be a sleaze in my life. I don't aim to hurt or betray her. But, the few times I tried to talk with her about it, I see the fresh hurt in her eyes. If I seek any solace from her too often, it completely breaks her. So it all gets locked inside. I feel guilty when I keep it in, like I'm hiding something; I feel ashamed when I break down and want my wife's comfort. Even after hours-long conversations, trying to explain the way I feel, and how it doesn't diminish my love for her, I still see my wife fumble the idea around. Her disorder breeds doubt and fears, and it just pieces her apart until she exhausts herself. Meanwhile, though I've still had occasional conversations with U., I know she blames me for things. I know she's distant and that I can't confide in her. Even though my wife says it's fine for us to be friends, I realize I struggle with that. My feelings haven't gone away, and knowing how I've reacted in the past, it could take quite a few years to soften.
I don't know how to respond when my wife asks, "Why can't you just move on? We only dated her for a couple months." I don't know how to bear it when she talks about all the little things that irritated her about U., and I just feel a pit in my stomach. I've given my wife a third of my life, and I don't plan on ending it. There's so much that she does give me, and even if she can't understand what I'm going through, we've both sacrificed a lot for each other over the years. Still, with her being the only person I can talk to, I really don't have anyone to discuss this with.
I guess, I want to know if there's any advice on communicating with someone who can't comprehend polyamorous love? I've scoured the internet, tried to talk about the errors in wallet love, or the scarcity model. I've tried to explain that, just because I can fulfill certain needs through other people, it doesn't mean I need her any less. I'd also like to know any way to stop feeling this guilt and disgust in myself for letting this happen. I imagine the answer is just, time, but... I hope something else can help.
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