I Need Advice and Help

Hi sexyserb - I enjoyed reading your update. I, too, have found your story and input on other threads to be quite interesting, and a valuable contribution to the Forum - and have also very much appreciated the personal advice along the way as well. Al
 
I still struggle with the need for male attention. Do not know if that will ever go away. Maybe when and if my looks go. Who knows.

One thing that I have noticed is that my ability to appreciate attractiveness in different age demographics has matured as I have - which is fortunate! I have to assume that I am not the only one for whom this is true.

I've never been a great beauty but clear skin, thin physique, and youth certainly went a good way in keeping me looking attractive enough. Even now (older and fatter) I find that I still get enough "attention" to tickle my pride, I just don't feel the need to act on it as I used to. (I was admiring the aesthetics of the bar-back when I was out with Dude on Wednesday, as we were getting up to leave I accidently caught said bar-back's gaze and got the eyes-widened slight-smile up-nod of acknowledgement...that made me smile ;).)
 
It might just be me but it sounds like you are having poly guilt. That and some jumping to conclusions.

1 - Because you say your husband "gave in" to your new arrangement, that makes me think that you either think or know on some level that it isn't what he really wants. He did agree, so you've gotten to have your cake and eat it too. You may be feeling guilty for that reason alone - because you've gotten to have something that is unconventional and previously thought you wouldn't be able to have. It may also be that you feel guilty about his compliance in letting you do this, like you're taking advantage somehow?

2 - You've observed distance and a change in your sex life. Okay. But that may or may not have anything to do with the opening of the marriage and the DADT situation. Maybe talk to him directly about the distance and changing you've been feeling to see if that's really where it's coming from. Otherwise, if the distance is unrelated to poly, ending all your relationships and defaulting back to monogamy won't fix it.

Also, I sense that you are becoming nervous of losing your husband due to his sheer desirability. You seem to feel guilty about having explored your options (with his reluctant consent) and I wonder if that's causing you to worry that he may also be exploring his options, especially if he isn't happy with you exploring yours. Your signature says that he's mono so I'm guessing the relationship only opened up on your end?

I would try to have an honest conversation with him about the distance and changes you've been intuiting from him. It may not have anything to do with poly. But if it does, it's hard to agree to go back to monogamy with the stipulation that you may get the itch sometime in the future. That's not really what monogamy is, you know? If I were him it would be hard for me to relax back into monogamy if that might change in the future.

I know a couple in an open marriage that use time periods to preserve their primary relationship bond. Like, it's open for summer, but once September hits it's closed. They agree one when to open and close the relationship and for how long. Is that something you'd consider? I only ask because I'm a little confused about your intent. Do you want to go back to monogamy, or is it just what you think you should do because you fear the marriage is in trouble as a result of poly. If it turns out he does want to close the marriage again, and for good, are you willing to commit to that without trying to renegotiate in the future?
 
It might just be me but it sounds like you are having poly guilt. That and some jumping to conclusions.

1 - Because you say your husband "gave in" to your new arrangement, that makes me think that you either think or know on some level that it isn't what he really wants. He did agree, so you've gotten to have your cake and eat it too. You may be feeling guilty for that reason alone - because you've gotten to have something that is unconventional and previously thought you wouldn't be able to have. It may also be that you feel guilty about his compliance in letting you do this, like you're taking advantage somehow?

2 - You've observed distance and a change in your sex life. Okay. But that may or may not have anything to do with the opening of the marriage and the DADT situation. Maybe talk to him directly about the distance and changing you've been feeling to see if that's really where it's coming from. Otherwise, if the distance is unrelated to poly, ending all your relationships and defaulting back to monogamy won't fix it.

Also, I sense that you are becoming nervous of losing your husband due to his sheer desirability. You seem to feel guilty about having explored your options (with his reluctant consent) and I wonder if that's causing you to worry that he may also be exploring his options, especially if he isn't happy with you exploring yours. Your signature says that he's mono so I'm guessing the relationship only opened up on your end?

I would try to have an honest conversation with him about the distance and changes you've been intuiting from him. It may not have anything to do with poly. But if it does, it's hard to agree to go back to monogamy with the stipulation that you may get the itch sometime in the future. That's not really what monogamy is, you know? If I were him it would be hard for me to relax back into monogamy if that might change in the future.

I know a couple in an open marriage that use time periods to preserve their primary relationship bond. Like, it's open for summer, but once September hits it's closed. They agree one when to open and close the relationship and for how long. Is that something you'd consider? I only ask because I'm a little confused about your intent. Do you want to go back to monogamy, or is it just what you think you should do because you fear the marriage is in trouble as a result of poly. If it turns out he does want to close the marriage again, and for good, are you willing to commit to that without trying to renegotiate in the future?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize how long this thread was and my original response is outdated. I'm so glad to hear that your week long conversation went well though. I'm glad that the two of you have come to a solution and set deadlines that allow you both to be comfortable going forward.
 
Thanks for the update, sexyserb. I have followed your story all along and think you're an interesting person. I have learned from you and am glad you're here.

Fallen Angelina, thanks for your comments, and I know you learned that MC is not motorcycle club ( LOL) but marriage counseling. I also read everything you post because you objectivity is refreshing.

Hi sexyserb, thank you for that update. It sounds like things have been going well for the most part, that is good to hear.

Thanks Kevin. Still work to do but I am a hard worker.

Hi sexyserb - I enjoyed reading your update. I, too, have found your story and input on other threads to be quite interesting, and a valuable contribution to the Forum - and have also very much appreciated the personal advice along the way as well. Al

Al, thank you. You are the textbook at how a very intelligent man rationally deals with a tough situation. You know I encourage you to stick up for yourself and not meet your needs or have Beckys boyfriend Ben control your rerlationship by their status.

Glad to hear from you and see an update.

I hope things in the new marriage continue ok.

Galagirl


Gala, I always appreciate anything you contribute here. Your ability to be non judgmental and clearly and accurately assess almost any situation is so valuable to anyone posting here. I am not as good as you at being diplomatic but you lay the options out for anyone you respond to without projecting your situation on to it. I am sure that is why everyone pays attention to your posts.

One thing that I have noticed is that my ability to appreciate attractiveness in different age demographics has matured as I have - which is fortunate! I have to assume that I am not the only one for whom this is true.

I've never been a great beauty but clear skin, thin physique, and youth certainly went a good way in keeping me looking attractive enough. Even now (older and fatter) I find that I still get enough "attention" to tickle my pride, I just don't feel the need to act on it as I used to. (I was admiring the aesthetics of the bar-back when I was out with Dude on Wednesday, as we were getting up to leave I accidently caught said bar-back's gaze and got the eyes-widened slight-smile up-nod of acknowledgement...that made me smile .)

Jane, someday I hope I get to where "enough" attention is enough.

It might just be me but it sounds like you are having poly guilt. That and some jumping to conclusions.

1 - Because you say your husband "gave in" to your new arrangement, that makes me think that you either think or know on some level that it isn't what he really wants. He did agree, so you've gotten to have your cake and eat it too. You may be feeling guilty for that reason alone - because you've gotten to have something that is unconventional and previously thought you wouldn't be able to have. It may also be that you feel guilty about his compliance in letting you do this, like you're taking advantage somehow?

2 - You've observed distance and a change in your sex life. Okay. But that may or may not have anything to do with the opening of the marriage and the DADT situation. Maybe talk to him directly about the distance and changing you've been feeling to see if that's really where it's coming from. Otherwise, if the distance is unrelated to poly, ending all your relationships and defaulting back to monogamy won't fix it.

Also, I sense that you are becoming nervous of losing your husband due to his sheer desirability. You seem to feel guilty about having explored your options (with his reluctant consent) and I wonder if that's causing you to worry that he may also be exploring his options, especially if he isn't happy with you exploring yours. Your signature says that he's mono so I'm guessing the relationship only opened up on your end?

I would try to have an honest conversation with him about the distance and changes you've been intuiting from him. It may not have anything to do with poly. But if it does, it's hard to agree to go back to monogamy with the stipulation that you may get the itch sometime in the future. That's not really what monogamy is, you know? If I were him it would be hard for me to relax back into monogamy if that might change in the future.

I know a couple in an open marriage that use time periods to preserve their primary relationship bond. Like, it's open for summer, but once September hits it's closed. They agree one when to open and close the relationship and for how long. Is that something you'd consider? I only ask because I'm a little confused about your intent. Do you want to go back to monogamy, or is it just what you think you should do because you fear the marriage is in trouble as a result of poly. If it turns out he does want to close the marriage again, and for good, are you willing to commit to that without trying to renegotiate in the future?


Bella, no apology necessary. For not reading the entire thread before responding, you made some damm good observations. Since you took your time, I want to respond
(1) Yup. I got my cake and ate it too. There was NEVER any implication it was what he wanted. That was clear from the first conversation and never changed. And yes, the way this man has provided for me sure made me feel guilty. What I did not know was that he had this job promotion thing in the works and just started detaching the minute he said yes. Of course i was too "thrilled" to notice for quite a while.
(2) The distance was for sure caused by the marriage opening. By distance i mean that by the time I posted here initially, I was feeling like a receptacle and not a wife in the bedroom because that was what i had become to him.
Losing my husband. ? I don't know. I do know it would be very easy for him to date very attractive women who might not have any interest in sharing him with me. I had no interest in "dating" in the romantic sense. It was all about some kinks. And yes, it only opened on my end because of what I posted. I provided him with all the sex he could handle when he was home so he chose not to risk some bimbo trying to cause him trouble that he might pick up while out of town. I am SURE he had many opportunities.

Gala Girl made a great statement to not commit to "forever" on anything. We have followed that advice. But he has made it clear if I need to do this again one way or the other he will not be sitting around now that he is not travelling and watch me go in and out to meet other men. So I know what is in store for me if I get the "itch" again. We have conversations as honest as it gets because he is not emasculated, devastated or anything like that. If anything, he is not a man that gets whacked in the head and turns the other cheek, so I do believe he harbors some resentment that as you said I had my cake and him too and he dealt with the fallout.

Thanks Bella for you post.
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One thing that I have noticed is that my ability to appreciate attractiveness in different age demographics has matured as I have - which is fortunate! I have to assume that I am not the only one for whom this is true.

Resonates for me.

I still prefer "close to my own age." But as my own age changes, the "window" changes too. When I was in my 20s, other 20s looked pretty good to me. Now? Not so much. Wouldn't have anything in common. I'm at a different stage of my life.

Galagirl
 
Resonates for me.

I still prefer "close to my own age." But as my own age changes, the "window" changes too. When I was in my 20s, other 20s looked pretty good to me. Now? Not so much. Wouldn't have anything in common. I'm at a different stage of my life.

Galagirl

I'm not sure what this has to do with sexyserb's situation, but I'll be the oddball. I almost always find people about 20-30 years younger than me more attractive than people my own age. Of course, I am 63. I look good for my age, not great, but good. But I notice, many men and women my age or even 10 years younger don't take good care of themselves and look kind of blah. Dull skin, bad hair, dressed poorly for their body type, really out of shape. And many of them are so oldfashioned too, in their outlooks on life. Or depressed.

I have to admit the looks of people in their mid to late 30s to late 40s look quite nice to me. Desirable. 20somethings often look great too, mind you, but I have tried to date them and they are too immature emotionally.

I sometimes think it's because I was partnered at 19 and married him at 22, and then didn't divorce til age 54. So I don't feel my age.
 
Ladies,

I think the comment in 106 was something Jane said about maturing and attractiveness. I probably did not highlight it properly. I apologize.

Magdlyn, at 63 and with what you have had to overcome health wise, you are entitled to men of any age you want.

I think different people have different likes and attractions. You all more fit the polyamorous mode than me as I believe you look for more meaningful relationships that I did. I never wanted a “boyfriend” and there was going to be no metamor for my husband.

I was with younger men because I easily attract them and for my non monogamous experience they appeal to me more than men my age. If I was looking for boyfriend, it is true a man over 40 would probably have more intellectually to offer me.
 
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