I Need Advice and Help

Hi,

You started your thread by saying that you knew he would become very angry if you told him the full extent of the boundaries you had broken. I think your gut instinct is correct, and I can see why you're wondering if you should keep it quiet, or to be honest to him.

I think you need more time.

I feel you are fearful that he will leave you now, with a desire to be honest being the second most important thing. I feel that your fear of him divorcing you caused you to ditch your 2 boyfriends. I feel that fear is making you ask him for a big sit down chat. I feel that fear is what drove you to ask this forum for help. I also think fear will not help you and your husband build back the trust and desire that you feel is missing in your relationship. There is no honesty in fear. Fear is not permanent. I feel you are searching for a permanent solution to re-unite with your husband and to heal the broken trust.

I think a counsellor will be more helpful to you than we are. I suggest finding a counsellor with a psychology degree. If you want people without psychology degrees, that's what this forum is for. I feel that fear is making you rush into things. I feel you need to slow down and plan your future very carefully. By all means, be honest with him, but have a plan for how to manage his anger and hurt at what he will feel is a betrayal. Discuss this with a counsellor who can understand psychology. Make a plan. Please don't tell him the whole truth all at once with no plan to manage his emotions. Ask a professional how you can break this news to him in the least hurtful way.

I also think you might find some healing in your spirit if you read some of the philosophy around affairs, or affair recovery. You didn't have an affair, but affair recovery philosophy is very good at healing broken trust, broken boundaries and addresses your husband's non consent to your situation.

In summary, I feel that the DADT (don't ask don't tell) agreement you had with your husband, along with the broken boundaries, makes this forum a less useful resource to you than you hope. I feel that as a forum, we can give good advice on how to do polyamory, but we are less good at how to deal with your type of broken trust. I feel a professional counsellor would be able to help you more. Finally, I feel you can safely tell him you want to stop polyamory, but please don't start telling him the more hurtful stuff without a very good plan, and please don't do it out of fear. I really hope you will find a way to talk to a counsellor about this. It may be that you will only be able to talk to your husband about this in the office of a counsellor. The last suggestion was advice I came across on affair recovery websites and I think it is the safest thing to do for you with the best hope of success.

I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated.

With kindness and a hope that things will get better for you,
Shaya.
 
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Hi,

You started your thread by saying that you knew he would become very angry if you told him the full extent of the boundaries you had broken. I think your gut instinct is correct, and I can see why you're wondering if you should keep it quiet, or to be honest to him.

I think you need more time.

I feel you are fearful that he will leave you now, with a desire to be honest being the second most important thing. I feel that your fear of him divorcing you caused you to ditch your 2 boyfriends. I feel that fear is making you ask him for a big sit down chat. I feel that fear is what drove you to ask this forum for help. I also think fear will not help you and your husband build back the trust and desire that you feel is missing in your relationship. There is no honesty in fear. Fear is not permanent. I feel you are searching for a permanent solution to re-unite with your husband and to heal the broken trust.

I think a counsellor will be more helpful to you than we are. I suggest finding a counsellor with a psychology degree. If you want people without psychology degrees, that's what this forum is for. I feel that fear is making you rush into things. I feel you need to slow down and plan your future very carefully. By all means, be honest with him, but have a plan for how to manage his anger and hurt at what he will feel is a betrayal. Discuss this with a counsellor who can understand psychology. Make a plan. Please don't tell him the whole truth all at once with no plan to manage his emotions. Ask a professional how you can break this news to him in the least hurtful way.

I also think you might find some healing in your spirit if you read some of the philosophy around affairs, or affair recovery. You didn't have an affair, but affair recovery philosophy is very good at healing broken trust, broken boundaries and addresses your husband's non consent to your situation.

In summary, I feel that the DADT (don't ask don't tell) agreement you had with your husband, along with the broken boundaries, makes this forum a less useful resource to you than you hope. I feel that as a forum, we can give good advice on how to do polyamory, but we are less good at how to deal with your type of broken trust. I feel a professional counsellor would be able to help you more. Finally, I feel you can safely tell him you want to stop polyamory, but please don't start telling him the more hurtful stuff without a very good plan, and please don't do it out of fear. I really hope you will find a way to talk to a counsellor about this. It may be that you will only be able to talk to your husband about this in the office of a counsellor. The last suggestion was advice I came across on affair recovery websites and I think it is the safest thing to do for you with the best hope of success.

I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated.

With kindness and a hope that things will get better for you,
Shaya.

Shaya,

Thank you for your thoughts. I know I am NOT in an affair. And I do not think I need to look at this as "affair" recovery. The reason I spent months constantly talking to my husband about non monogamy, or poly, or whatever you want to call what we decided to do, was because I knew if I had affairs and got caught my husband is not a co dependent man who would have accepted that at all.

We did a lot of reading and initially tried this at a swingers club but that did not work for him at all, so it evolved to the "model" we agreed upon. I can't even sleep right any more so time is not something I think I need. I need to find out what he is thinking with the same determination as I had trying to convince him to enter a non monogamous relationship with me.

You are absolutely correct I have fear. I do not have fear of being alone. I am almost 50 years old and I am very attractive and attract 30-35 year old men with no problem anywhere I go. I have fear that this man I truly do love is going to leave me if I let this go on the way it is now, which is what brought me here.
And I am not fearful financially. If he divorced me I will still never have to work.

As Gala Girl said, I know nothing really now because our communication has dwindled, mostly because of his lack of input. Yes I am projecting and fearful of the unknown.

I am skeptical of therapists. My experience and that of those I have know makes me believe that since this is not a quantitative measurable situation here, the advice you will get will differ dramatically if you told five of them the same exact story. I am sure if I did that probably half would tell me to just keep on doing what's I have been doing until my husband comes to me. I don't think that is a good idea.

There are things that will hurt my husband IF HE ASKS or the conversation gets there. But he is a very strong man, not just physically but also emotionally, and he truly believes in accountability of his actions and those around him. He knows he agreed to this DADT and I do think he will accept the truth, but that does not make me not fearful.

I have always thought that any big decision you make if there is no fear or uncertainty that the decision is not that big. He thinks that too I know. When we were in college, and he was 300 pounds, I always used to ask him if he was scared before each game when guys his size would be trying to take his head off. He said yes but that fear is not all bad, and that it can be motivating.

If I am going to transition back to monogamy, I think it needs to be cold turkey, not gradually like using methadone and keeping some of my lovers and not others. If that is what is causing this with him, I am prepared to do that, or try like hell.

Again, like Gala Girl said, I think committing that forever may should a little disingenuous . I committed to monogamy when I marched down the aisle, and sure did not keep that commitment. But the problem exists still and that is how with just my word do I get him to believe it if I either lie by omission. If I ask him to be totally truthful to me, how do I withhold from him if he asks. That is what my dilemma is.
 
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First off, I agree with Shaya that our thoughts and experiences may not really be helpful...so take this with a grain of salt. But, I think maybe you start a little at a time. Tell him you've noticed the distance, that you love him and you don't like the distance. Ask if he's willing or able to reconnect and ask what he needs for that to happen. Take it one step at a time...not one huge leap off the cliff where you bare your soul whether either of you are ready or not.

Can/have you ever gone on his business trips with him? Is that something he would/would not like? Maybe just show him through your actions that he's your priority and you're not seeing anyone else, rather than tell him (if that's what you really want...to be monogamous again. But I wouldn't do that just because you're afraid you'll lose him because in the end, that will damage your relationship more, imo.)

Then, follow his cues. Answer honestly when he asks questions, but don't volunteer information that he may not want to know. Let him decide how much/little he wants to know. And maybe be prepared that he may have information to share, too. I know you've said that you don't think he's been with someone else...but you may want to prepare yourself, just in case he has. As for requesting honesty from him, I agree that in exchange you should be honest with him...but you let him decide how much he wants to know.

I also think that people/the universe pick up on our cues. If we are fearful and anxious and send out anxious energy, we are much more likely to receive similar energy back. OTOH, if we are calm and centered, we're more likely to get back calm, balanced energy. If his distance has caused anxiousness in you, it's quite possible he's picking up on that and that's helping fuel the distance between you. What are the things you do to center yourself? While he's gone this week, instead of expending your energy worrying about talking to him/losing him, focus on yourself... Do things to nourish your heart and soul and re-balance your body....meditate, exercise, do yoga...whatever centers you. That way, when you do talk, you'll be in a much better place emotionally.

Blessings. I hope it all works out for you, Serb.
 
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... how with just my word do I get him to believe it if I either lie by omission. If I ask him to be totally truthful to me, how do I withhold from him if he asks. That is what my dilemma is.

Continuing Pink Pig's thought: We communicate with our countenance, not with our words. We cannot get anyone to believe anything that we are not squared away with ourselves. You are not looking to commit to monogamy again because the thought makes your heart sing, you're looking to commit to monogamy again because of enormous fear of losing your husband. Your bearing (what some people call your "energy") is what your husband responds to, not your words. This is why "communication" or talking is not the key to a good relationship. Knowing ourselves and living in harmony with ourselves (being centered) is the key to a good relationship. Despite the football analogy, fear is never a foundation for improving a relationship. You would not have this massive fear if you did not have an internal battle going on. Your internal battle is the issue and it's what your husband responds to, not your words about coming clean and promising monogamy anew. If you do not do some deep, deep work around this struggle inside yourself (the source of all your fear) your marriage will continue to reflect your inner struggle. Just getting back to monogamy, without coming to a real peace in yourself, will not change much about your life.

A good therapist does not give you advice or evaluate your life. A good therapist is someone with whom you establish a positive, personal connection and then mentors you in getting better at navigating your own ship. A good therapist doesn't pronounce whether what you're doing is good or bad. A good therapist doesn't tell you what to do, like a mommy. A good therapist works him/herself out of a job by assisting you in discovering how best to develop your own skills and manage your own life. I strongly urge you to reconsider how very valuable and beneficial this kind of relationship can be in making true and lasting changes in the way you do life.
 
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I think you missed my point about agreements that will actually WORK for you. My apologies. Let me try again.

IN GENERAL

I'm not saying to keep going with DADT agreements that you want to stop doing.

I'm saying that when you make NEW agreements with him you could ask yourself...

  • Am I agreeing to whatever just to get my way again?
  • Are these new agreements reasonable?
  • What are the reasonable exceptions to agreements? (Ex: emergencies? Getting home safe?)
  • What kind of emotional support can I expect in this relationship?
  • What kind of clear communication can I expect in this relationship?

Learn from the past agreement making and where this fell short so in your next attempt to make NEW agreements it can go better. So the agreements serve you and support you well.

You seem to keep coming at it like "I made these agreements and I broke them and I'm scared he will dump me."

Well, he will either break up with you or not. And you will deal with it should that happen. But rather than focus on him breaking up with you and fueling fear, you could focus on what you need to keep you guys together more successfully. How will the new agreements be designed to serve you both well? To support your both well? So the final outcome can hopefully be a closer relationship in a Closed model you both enjoy?

Focus on hope, not fear.

MORE DETAILED VERSION

(2) no men in house or anywhere near our home in public.- violated this one a few times, mostly because if I was out drinking with a guy I did not want driving. Never did this with anyone I had just met, only with "regulars". This will be a BIG deal. We live in a very exclusive area, and may husband was absolutely adamant that this was to be kept a secret from ALL of our friends and acquaintances. Stupidest thing I did. This one could be a deal breaker. Sick thinking about it.

If that's the one is the biggest deal breaker worry thing to you? You think your husband would prefer you to risk driving drunk rather than be escorted home safely? I think when you're making new agreements for Closed/monogamy you could also talk about reasonable exceptions to agreements. So the future agreements don't cause you this kind of upset/anxiety later. There's "letter of the law" and there's "spirit of the law." Figure out how you and your spouse view it. Not as a means to "wiggle out of agreements" but as a means to understand each other better. That helps create closeness.

You learned DADT doesn't work for you because there isn't any emotional support there for you. You've been carry some load by yourself with nobody to talk to about it. So when you make new agreements, talk about the expectations for emotional support. Include this component in your new agreement making.

Especially since you think there's some emotional distancing and a lack of communication on your husband's side. Maybe expectations for clear communication could be part of the new agreements. DADT agreements don't sound like they gave you enough communication. So make sure in your new agreements you get enough communication.

You could agree to be Closed/monogamous from now on... but if you don't also talk about expectations for emotional support in the relationship and clear communication? You are still going to feel like you are not close/connected to your spouse and kinda lonely/missing him.

So Gala, I don't think it is going to be smart to try to renegotiate the above boundaries.

To me changing the above DADT boundaries to something Closed/monogamous IS renegotiating agreements. You are trying to change them into something new -- a Closed/monogamous thing.

I think they were pretty fair, given that this was all my idea and quite frankly I would have agreed to a lot more in order to get my way back then.

At the time you would have agreed to whatever just to get you way about opening the marriage. That's a potential pitfall. Don't do that again -- agree to whatever to get your way.

Make sure the new agreements actually will WORK for you both in the short term and in the long term. Not just agree to anything to get your way about going back to Closed/Monogamy short term at the expense of long term well being.

It sounds like before you rushed things. This time don't. Make sure the new agreements will serve you well in both the short term and the long term.

It that I think I have to tell him. Not the past year but in the beginning I was out of control the minute he left for a trip Actually, not out of control. I knew exactly what I was doing and loved it.

Tell him if he asks about it. And when he asks you? Get some clarification on how much detail he wants to know. Like the novel? Or like Cliff Notes? Otherwise... honor your DADT. If he's not asking? Or if he doesn't want to know too many details? Don't go over-telling or over-sharing.

At this point in time, what difference does it make now if you were "kid in a candy store" at the beginning of the DADT agreement? Sounds like you needed time to learn to pace yourself better.

Is the need to tell all this back logged stuff stemming from not getting enough communication/emotional support during the DADT time? If so, rather than whoosh at him, focus on changing agreements so from this point on you DO get enough communication/emotional support from him in the new Closed/Monogamous agreements so you are not getting bottled up in future.

I think anticipating the talk(s) is creating anxiety for you. Try to sit tight and move forward with making the appointments to have the talk(s).

Galagirl
 
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I add my voice to those encouraging you to take more time figuring out your needs and desires before involving your husband in negotiations. A good therapist can help you step around your fears and blind spots. A couple's therapist can keep discussions from falling into old patterns which just go in circles.

Right now you do not even know if the non-monogamy is the problem. If, say, he has a health problem he is worrying about and you say "Your worries are over! I will be monogamous now!" it will be less than helpful. As has been said, you should probably address the immediate problem - the emotional distance between you and how that can be ameliorated.

If he has needs that are not being met you can discuss what he thinks will help fill those needs. If you have needs that are not being met you can discuss how you can get those needs filled. Your previous behavior is only relevant as it illuminates to you your needs and ability to keep agreements.

Have you looked into why you might have a problem with impulse control? Was being out of control a new thing? There might be a medical reason you are making major decisions in such a sudden and emotional way. Anything from a hormonal imbalance to Attention Deficit Disorder could be behind this and could be helped with medicine.

Leetah
 
There's lots I could write here but for the sake of brevity and staying on topic I'd NOT trying to "shade the truth " or hedge answers to direct questions because you don't know what he already knows or how he came upon the knowledge. And once there is one violation people are curious to see if there is more. As painful as truth might be for him to hear and you to say it's better than the tangle of half truths and lies of omission which will only make him more curious and discover the truth on his own.


Is he the type to learn something and quickly confront or wait and think gather more information.?

You're not going to want to hear this / read this but in my own personal history/ story there is a break point ....actions speak louder than words. I'm not trying to compare your situation with mine at all I'm just saying that the many mono men I've talked with over the yrs on the forum have said there is a clear break point on how they feel about their wives if rules / boundaries are violated or NRE gets too out of hand. For some it's reading a text or email that was left open or in view. For others it just an accumulation or drip effect to finally say im out.



Also I'd suggest before you try to renegotiate the limited rule and agreements you ask yourself IS THIS A GOOD IDEA ? To me this sounds exactly counterproductive to your goal. He's withdrawing because perhaps has seen or learned of things he's now having to come to terms with. And by all means the the answer to that is removing/ modifying the few rules he had. PLEASE tell me WHATS IN THIS FOR HIM again ??? Let me think..... I guy who routinely makes multimillion dollar decisions is going to say " yup ... fuck all the logic that's gone into my rules which are all centered around my career and position / which provides you with your lifestyle. " YUP fuck that I wouldn't want to get in the way of your orgasms and romantic adventures by all means you shouldn't have any restrictions." If you decide to go this route please let us/ me know how that turns out.


To me what your asking is monogamy at the point of a gun vs what we normally see poly at the point of a gun. Either way it's settling it doesn't sound like that's something you'd be happy with long term and if he were to hear the truth or a fraction of the truth he'd never believe you'd be sincerely agree to it.


Good luck
 
I'd advise NOT trying to "shade the truth " or hedge answers to direct questions because you don't know what he already knows or how he came upon the knowledge. And once there is one violation people are curious to see if there is more. As painful as truth might be for him to hear and you to say it's better than the tangle of half truths and lies of omission which will only make him more curious and discover the truth on his own.

Adding my voice to: Tell the truth.

The truth has a way of coming out. Let me repeat that:

The truth has a way of coming out.


In case that's not clear enough:

THE TRUTH HAS A WAY OF COMING OUT.

XH lied to me for 17 years about a one night stand. Had he behaved himself in the intervening years, I never would have dug deeper, but character tends to persist. Had he told me the truth to begin with, I could have forgiven it.

But the truth did eventually come out and it was one of the final straws in my decision to divorce him. I could have forgiven the action itself. But there is eventually no living with a liar. You begin to understand that if they can lie to you about one thing, they can lie to you about many things. If they can lie to you for years, you have no way of ever knowing when they're finally telling the truth.

When it comes to lying, it's not even a matter of forgiveness. It's a matter of it being impossible to live with someone you can never trust.

If you lie to your husband, the truth may very well come out one day and he may well decide he cannot live with a liar, even if he could have forgiven the actions themselves.

Do NOT count on being able to hide the truth forever. Did I mention--truth has a nasty habit of coming out.

ETA: But if you do decide to try to hide the truth, please give him my contact information. He sounds like a great guy.
 
Thank You All,

It seems like it is apparent there definitely is a communication gap here between my husband and I, and everyone is right. I need to find out the what is bothering him BEFORE I start assuming and making decisions for him.

Pink Pig- I used to go on a lot of business trips with him and loved it. The fact is in the last 6-12 months that all stopped. No, he doesn't invite me unless it is a function where we have to play Ken and Barbie for corporate politics. But I also haven't asked because for the most part I plan my "social" life around his trips . I do not see anyone at all when he is home for the 10 or so days a month. I think tomorrow I am going to ask him if I can fly out there Friday for the week end. He will probably be surprised. He doesn't even call me every night anymore but I think I know why. But I'm taking the advice not to speculate but ASK HIM.

GALAgirl- You're right again, if the boundaries did not work, I need to figure out what works. But first I need to find out what's not working for him and why. Guessing accomplishes nothing.

FALLEN- going back to monogamy does not make my heart sing, but the thought of it does not break my heart either. The curren t trend of our relationship sure does not make my heart sing. We read the books, "More Than Two", and "Opening Up". We were aware taking the opening up step could end our marriage, and to be honest, from reading on this forum, I do not believe this poly thing is one big happy party for most of the people posting here. As I stated, unlike some, I never claimed to be this "wired" for non monogamy person. The main goal always was to do this in a manner that had the best chance for us to remain in a loving marriage and not losing my husband has always and still is the main goal here. For some, I understand its different. But I am not devastated about the thought of returning to a monogamous marriage IF that is what is needed. If my husband wants to continue I will do as Gala said and we will need to redefine our needs and expectations.

Letha- I'm not saying a therapist is out of the question. But its not an instant cure and right now until I know what I am dealing with its not right for me.

Dinged- you are right. I am NOT AN EXPERT at all, but before I started discussing opening up as poly with hubby, I read a lot of infidelity forums. You comment about mono men reaching their breaking point. Obviously I am hoping that is not the case here. The goal is to get answers BEFORE we are at that point.

WHATS HAPPENING- I am in total agreement with you and the others. If this eveolves into him needing information, he will get the absolute truth to any and all questions he asks about anything. I know him and love him and I think I have an idea what questions he may ask, but while I agree it is not smart for me to go just run my mouth, lying and getting caught is not something that he will tolerate.

Lastly, I think there is an erroneous idea brought up that I entered nonmonogamy with my husband under the gun and may go back to monogamy under the gun. That is not true. Yes, I was persistent, but if my husband on the third go around had again said to table it or no, I would not have been happy. But at no time did I tell him I was going to do it, that I needed to do it, and that either he could accept it or make his choice to leave. And I will not become monogamous for fear. I am intelligent, highly educated, and my husband is not an ultimatum giver. If he divorced me I have absolutely no doubt he would offer me substantially more than he had to. That may have all come out wrong, but there is no threatening going on in our relationship.

Now, its three hours earlier on West Coast so I am going to see if I can reach him to see if I can go meet him this week end. Thank you all again.
 
Disclosure: I'm somewhat biased against DADT, because I think sooner or later it ends up with an avalanche to deal with or disinterest. Communication keeps a strong foundation going that comes in handy in rough times. What you have right now is both of you turning into partial strangers because crucial aspects of your life are completely closed off to each other. My belief is that this is at the root of the distancing you experience - whether your suspicions of him acting on it are true or not.

So to be honest, i am not wired for non monogamy as some claim they are.

and
I am prepared to go back to monogamy.

Are contradictory in essence, even if you can logic your way into fitting them next to each other.

I discovered and did all the book reading and kept at it pushing hubby until he finally gave in and said he'd agree. Not the right way to do it , right???

I think he agreed hoping I would get it out of my system.

I think you should take his consent at face value, regardless of how you talked him into it. You have enough problems right now without needing to invent reasons for his consent.

This is also important because whatever situation you are in right now, it was consensual, and revising the consent in hindsight - whether by you or him - will only add problems to the relationship because the actions that followed as a consequence cannot be revised.

Instead, I dove in big time and have had sex with a lot of men a lot of times these past two years. Hubby does not know much because one of the agreements was that since he travels on business three weeks a month, it has been pretty much a DADT journey.

While I am no fan of DADT, that was your agreement and he does not appear to have asked either, for whatever reason.

My gut tells me he is preparing to leave me, and I have no clue what to do.

Always take warnings from the "gut" very seriously. It is one of the best alarms our unconscious system provides for our self-preservation (physical or emotional). That said, note that the gut only provides a warning/alarm. It does not write a situation report. As in, your unease about the distance between your husband and you may indeed be because he is planning to leave you. It could be because you are feeling distant and need to feel closer to him. It could be that now that you have got the mega-DADT out of your system, you are worried as to potential fallout. it could be your gut telling you that you enjoy the DADT adventures so much that if you persist, you'll reach a point where he doesn't want to remain with you.... it could be anything. It is a warning, yes, but you need more information to analyze it.

You are probably overdue for a conversation with him - about your relationship (as in the two of you, not your relationships with others)

I am prepared to go back to monogamy.

I think this statement also needs a lot of reflection. What does it mean? Does it mean that you'll give up your poly lifestyle rather than lose him? Does it mean that you're done with poly and you don't think it is worth the risks it can cause your marriage? And so on. There is no good/bad about it, but you knowing what you mean very clearly will allow you to make clear choices and communicate them to him well.

I am ready to do anything to save my marriage but how do I ever convince him I will not want to go back to this.

Start talking. Keep talking. Reconnect. That is the only fix for distance. It may work, it may not work, but not beginning will definitely not work.

I highly recommend you taking some time to yourself and sorting through your feelings about your other relationships. There seem to be vague undertones of guilt/regret - whether about letting it go or having done it at all or whatever. If something you feel such strong emotions about remains unresolved in your mind when you talk to your husband, it will keep popping up in the conversation - a relic of your relationships with others, when what needs addressing your relationship with him. It will complicate the conversation. So take some time to sort your own head out first. Make your peace with what you did. Figure out what you want to do and speak with him with a clear idea of what you feel and want and need and so on.

The initial conversations should be about the relationship between the two of you, not you and others.

I tremble at the thought of him asking me for a lot of details that will probably shock him to the core. He knows I have had sex with other men, but has no idea the extent.

If he wanted to know, he'd have asked. If he still wants to know, he will still ask. However I'd recommend against oversharing in some kind of mega confession and laying your past at his feet, etc melodrama. Since you had an agreement to not share, answer his questions if he asks honestly, but don't suddenly change the agreement into information he hasn't consented to receiving.

It may also be worth checking how he feels about poly today. It has been two years of DADT. Instead of assuming he wants you monogamous, how about checking with him again how he feels and mutually taking a decision on how both of you want to proceed?

So how do you sit your husband down and tell him you will not have sex with other men any more after two years and get him to believe a word you are saying. And do I disclose it all????

No idea on the exact subject, since I've never wanted to promise anyone monogamy, but I've eaten crow on many occasions and generally find that if I am clear in my own head and state very honestly EXACTLY what I feel and am willing to promise, instead of playing it down or exaggerating it to fit what someone wants to hear, it gets believed.

I know, my gut tells me, I am running out of time.

See above.

Idle thought. You were fine pushing your husband into poly. Now that you've got it out of your system, you are terrified and appear to see it as wrong and seem to want to go back to what you had before rather than lose your husband who you are surprised to find didn't spend the last two years in a limbo. What happens if you get everything you want? Your husband is happy to have you back and monogamous, the sex happens again, marriage is saved, etc. Will you be happy? What happens if you remember some item you hadn't ticked off your wanna-sex list? Happens to me all the time. I think I'm done with some list and remember something I'd forgotten to put on it. Or maybe the list is really done. Will you be happy? As in, do you visualize yourself being happy with the husband in a monogamous relationship? Or you haven't got to the point of imagining what after you don't lose him?
 
Animikanon,

Very thoughtful comments. Seems like no matter how it is put its obvious there is a communications gap here. I do think some of that is because he is gone so much. Folks in traditional marriages have the same thing happen when one spouse is gone constantly.

The only part of what you say that I think you might have misinterpreted when I made the first two statements about not being poly wired and then being prepared to give it up not being consistent. You read here and in other places of some people never being able to stay in mono relationships before and after marriage and they call themselves "wired" for mono. All I was trying to state was I did not put myself in that category. i spent a long time not even thinking about anything remotely non monogamous despite men hitting on me all the time. And as I said I do not believe that if you cannot step backward once you try non monogamy and be dammed to a life of misery. So only point I disagree with you on is that I am not trying to "fit" anything. I'm trying to figure it out.

Like you said, he has not asked. I THINK I have some idea why, but I need to stop projecting my thought process and as all have told me here i need to ask directly and let him do the talking. I totally agree he knows it was consensual, at least not done in a threatening way, and he is not the type to try to "unlive" that consent and blame me for his not resisting. don't want to guess any more but I have some idea as to his feeling on that comment might be.

I have done a lot of reading, on here and other forums and the 'TRUST YOUR GUT" saying appears a LOT. so when a bunch of folks who do not know each other say the same thing its probably correct for the most part. Again it all points back to ask him and listen.

The other take that Gala has also stated is a confirmation of what you say and what i will do, namely talk about US first before I get into any discussion about what I am doing. Again, I am projecting, but I would be astonished if any questions involve any "details' of sexual acts, but I could see him being inquisitive at some point about my emotional state and feelings towards other men I am in contact with and/or seeing. I have to be truthful if asked on that one.

Obviously, I have to see how he feels about poly today, unless this is all about some other factors, like job, health, or anything else. Could be combo of things. my guess is since he has not to my knowledge taken any other lovers is that he is probably no more enthused about this than before we started. Again, I have to ask.

I know whatever I agree to at this time, I better stick to it for a while because I don't think in 60 days if I try to revise the entire thing again from whatever we agree to it will not fly well. I agree, promising anything forever is kind of silly. i promised him i would forsake all others when I marched down the aisle. How did that work out?

I am very happy I posted. I hesitated a number of times. I have been given some tremendous thoughts and help.

I can't take another three to six months to reflect. At this point, back to the "gut" think, mine says it time to act. Whatever we decide, I think its time to scrap the DADT. mono or poly or in between, its time to reconnect I hope.

The good news is I talked to him late last night, and I am flying to meet him tomorrow night for the week end in California.
 
Wow, I have been home for a week and came to the site to update my thread and read one that was just posted that was too familiar in some of the aspects. I did some o the same things and hopefully I will be luckier.

Anyway, in the past week I have discovered that poly or mono my life is about to change. Hero my husband has just been told that he is getting a very big promotion at work that will take him from the "field" into the ivory tower. Forgetting the money that boggles my mind, on August 1 my travelling husband will be home virtually every night sleeping in his own bed.

So the situation and things as they were are going to end no matter how this works out. No way I was going to be doing what I have been doing even if we stayed open.

To keep it brief, we talked for almost the entire week end. As it turned out, I let it all out, all the breeches in agreements, and all o my feelings from the beginning right up until this moment. He did the same.

It was obvious to me as soon as i found about his job thing that either he was going to have to experience i guess what is called "compersion" big time, adjust the expectations we agreed to big time, or we were headed for no where good.

I am married to a man who resembles Adonis, is the father of my children, a great father at that, whom I love more than anything in the world. I promised myself that I would always make my family and marriage my priority and if the open marriage threatened that it would have to end, or at least an attempt to go back would have to occur. We are at that point.

Our discussions were very emotional. He did not ask any stupid sexual act questions, but was obviously in shock when he was told the generalities of my activities. But as mad or hurt as he was he never blamed me for anything. He specifically told be that no matter that he was never really on board, he did agree, he did insist on the DADT and he is accountable for that decision when he could have said no for the fourth time way back when.

While I have no guilt feeling for the marriage opening I do feel terrible on how without even realizing it I was not the wife i had been for so many years to him, which I promised i would be if he followed me down this path. That is on me. lots i could have done differently.

Hero told me he will always love me even if we do not make it. He asked for no endless time promises but he wants to go back to a monogamous marriage and revisit this at the end of the year. He said if I am not happy we can discuss it again but he will set me free if he cannot live with what I need if it comes to that.

So now I have two months to detach, end it all with a number of guys and develop a plan to make my husband feel like I am all in in he attempt to restart a new chapter. i am not doing this because I have to. I am not doing this because I need to financially. I am making this decision because I love this man and the course has been run on the last two years.

Fallen Angelina i think asked if going back to monogamy makes my heart sing. Time will tell. The thought does not scare me or make me resentful .Time will tell.

I think to many of us, even those who read the books like I did, do not pay enough attention to the part that says BOTH partners have to be all in to make this work. It can go on for a while when one partner is the reluctant participant, but the long term result most likely will not be good in those situations.

Thank you to those that counseled me when my emotions were all over the place.
 
Wow. I hope circumstances and communication help you pull this thing out of the fire, and that the relationship (and your selves) will grow and flourish with this newly focused attention. I selfishly hope for you to come back and let us know how it is going. Good luck!
 
SlowPoly,

Thank you. I think I need to journal to help me keep my thoughts straight. I thought about stating a blog here but i don't think a back to mono blog would be real popular. We'll see. I have quite a bit of stuff to unravel and it all has to be done by August 1. That includes totally removing all of the men I have been involved with totally. My husband will not buy in to being "friends" with men i have been having sex with regularly while I am supposedly committing to him to try to close our marriage back. I would not even go there in a conversation.

Still not sure how I am going to do all of that.

Thanks for your well wishes.
 
Thanks Anamikanon

I have a lot of work to do before I can say I saved my marriage. I think a way to put it is I stopped the timebomb from ticking.

I am in for a big adjustment. i have spent the last two years basically living the totally free woman life for 20 days a month. I could interact with men anywhere I wanted in any manner I wanted with no one around to even ask anything. He knows that. How do I convince him I am living up to my end now. I have to develop what I will call an accountability plan.

I am still a very sexual woman and attract a lot of male attention. Reestablishing the boundaries I am sure will be a bit of a challenge and refocusing all of my energy on my husband is something I look forward to but am nervous about. Like i said, time will tell.
 
How do I convince him I am living up to my end now. I have to develop what I will call an accountability plan.

I think affair recovery sites have good ideas for this. They made me itchy, but then I'm not monogamous. But basically goes along the lines of full truth (not sure you should do that), explanation of relationship forming behavior - as in what are the signs that you get interested in someone - so the partner can spot them and ask you, full access to ask questions - the part that weirded me out was giving social usernames and passwords so they can check to reassure themselves and such. There are sites. I think @Shaya had shared a good link earlier.

Basically, if you hadn't lived up to your end before, then it amounts to a betrayal, even if technically it was DADT poly. So you fix it as you would fix an affair you had concealed from partner. So those types of sites may have actionable advice for you, even if you weren't exactly having affairs.

I am still a very sexual woman and attract a lot of male attention. Reestablishing the boundaries I am sure will be a bit of a challenge and refocusing all of my energy on my husband is something I look forward to but am nervous about. Like i said, time will tell.

No idea how to do that. I tend not to get tempted to fudge boundaries at all, so while I understand broken boundaries, I have no experiential insight on what it means to struggle to maintain them. It isn't as virtuous as it sounds, basically I can't recall a boundary offhand that conflicts with my default behavior. I would guess it would involve very specific rules for yourself. If you tend to be tempted, err on the side of caution, so your have some space to turn around when your mental alarm goes off. And a reminder attached of what you risk losing if you lose his trust a second time.

So, if you have good self-awareness+control, maybe if you'd go - "no acting on any attraction to non-husband person" if you know you get tempted you go "no singling out for attention people who fit my potential sexual partner profile" - take the guesswork out of it. If the person is the type you fall for, stay away. If the reason for you singling them out isn't yet attraction, them fitting the profile guarantees attraction is likely with sustained contact. So don't go there. Because if tempted, it gets really easy to fool yourself with "not really unfaithful, just talking together" "Not really unfaithful, just texting half the night away" etc If you don't trust yourself, don't make rules that need trust, keep them verifiable based on straight actions.

Stray thought: What's wrong with going cold turkey? Send them email/text with brief explanation that you and your husband have agreed to go monogamous and you apologise for any hurt/disappointment caused, but you will not be able to continue. Sure, it is not fair to them, but you said the relationships were casual. Plus, if you are ending things anyway, you might as well end them. Maybe allow yourself a brief period where you can make any clarifications needed, but don't meet them. Period. That's a good hard boundary and you'll have a headstart to test/tweak/perfect it before your two months are up.

Sidenote: Is it just me thinking that recovering from DADT gone wrong looks a lot like affair recovery?
 
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