Shaya
New member
Hi,
You started your thread by saying that you knew he would become very angry if you told him the full extent of the boundaries you had broken. I think your gut instinct is correct, and I can see why you're wondering if you should keep it quiet, or to be honest to him.
I think you need more time.
I feel you are fearful that he will leave you now, with a desire to be honest being the second most important thing. I feel that your fear of him divorcing you caused you to ditch your 2 boyfriends. I feel that fear is making you ask him for a big sit down chat. I feel that fear is what drove you to ask this forum for help. I also think fear will not help you and your husband build back the trust and desire that you feel is missing in your relationship. There is no honesty in fear. Fear is not permanent. I feel you are searching for a permanent solution to re-unite with your husband and to heal the broken trust.
I think a counsellor will be more helpful to you than we are. I suggest finding a counsellor with a psychology degree. If you want people without psychology degrees, that's what this forum is for. I feel that fear is making you rush into things. I feel you need to slow down and plan your future very carefully. By all means, be honest with him, but have a plan for how to manage his anger and hurt at what he will feel is a betrayal. Discuss this with a counsellor who can understand psychology. Make a plan. Please don't tell him the whole truth all at once with no plan to manage his emotions. Ask a professional how you can break this news to him in the least hurtful way.
I also think you might find some healing in your spirit if you read some of the philosophy around affairs, or affair recovery. You didn't have an affair, but affair recovery philosophy is very good at healing broken trust, broken boundaries and addresses your husband's non consent to your situation.
In summary, I feel that the DADT (don't ask don't tell) agreement you had with your husband, along with the broken boundaries, makes this forum a less useful resource to you than you hope. I feel that as a forum, we can give good advice on how to do polyamory, but we are less good at how to deal with your type of broken trust. I feel a professional counsellor would be able to help you more. Finally, I feel you can safely tell him you want to stop polyamory, but please don't start telling him the more hurtful stuff without a very good plan, and please don't do it out of fear. I really hope you will find a way to talk to a counsellor about this. It may be that you will only be able to talk to your husband about this in the office of a counsellor. The last suggestion was advice I came across on affair recovery websites and I think it is the safest thing to do for you with the best hope of success.
I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated.
With kindness and a hope that things will get better for you,
Shaya.
You started your thread by saying that you knew he would become very angry if you told him the full extent of the boundaries you had broken. I think your gut instinct is correct, and I can see why you're wondering if you should keep it quiet, or to be honest to him.
I think you need more time.
I feel you are fearful that he will leave you now, with a desire to be honest being the second most important thing. I feel that your fear of him divorcing you caused you to ditch your 2 boyfriends. I feel that fear is making you ask him for a big sit down chat. I feel that fear is what drove you to ask this forum for help. I also think fear will not help you and your husband build back the trust and desire that you feel is missing in your relationship. There is no honesty in fear. Fear is not permanent. I feel you are searching for a permanent solution to re-unite with your husband and to heal the broken trust.
I think a counsellor will be more helpful to you than we are. I suggest finding a counsellor with a psychology degree. If you want people without psychology degrees, that's what this forum is for. I feel that fear is making you rush into things. I feel you need to slow down and plan your future very carefully. By all means, be honest with him, but have a plan for how to manage his anger and hurt at what he will feel is a betrayal. Discuss this with a counsellor who can understand psychology. Make a plan. Please don't tell him the whole truth all at once with no plan to manage his emotions. Ask a professional how you can break this news to him in the least hurtful way.
I also think you might find some healing in your spirit if you read some of the philosophy around affairs, or affair recovery. You didn't have an affair, but affair recovery philosophy is very good at healing broken trust, broken boundaries and addresses your husband's non consent to your situation.
In summary, I feel that the DADT (don't ask don't tell) agreement you had with your husband, along with the broken boundaries, makes this forum a less useful resource to you than you hope. I feel that as a forum, we can give good advice on how to do polyamory, but we are less good at how to deal with your type of broken trust. I feel a professional counsellor would be able to help you more. Finally, I feel you can safely tell him you want to stop polyamory, but please don't start telling him the more hurtful stuff without a very good plan, and please don't do it out of fear. I really hope you will find a way to talk to a counsellor about this. It may be that you will only be able to talk to your husband about this in the office of a counsellor. The last suggestion was advice I came across on affair recovery websites and I think it is the safest thing to do for you with the best hope of success.
I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated.
With kindness and a hope that things will get better for you,
Shaya.
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