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Update

So things have just gotten worse with the situation since I last posted. My boyfriend is now saying he doesn't want us to have anyone else involved in our relationship and wants us to be strictly monogamous. I'm pretty upset about this, because we had an understanding from when we first got together we wanted to be open and let others in. He's been involved in open relationships before and never had a problem. He's been involved with others before while we were together and never had a problem. Now that I've found someone, there is nothing but problems. He's saying he doesn't want to be with anyone else and wants me to drop this new guy. As I've said before I don't think I could (at least right now) drop to just being friends with him. I really like him. We've been spending some more time together. Me and my boyfriend have had nothing but emotional conversations for the past week or so. I understand that he couldn't have realized that he would not be ok with this, but at the same time he can't expect me to just turn off and stop something I've started. I don't think it's fair to ask me up to up and leave what I've been creating with this other guy. I don't like being told what to do period, much less when it comes to my love life. This feels no different then someone trying to tell me they don't like who I'm dating and that I should stop. It's no ones business but my own. But obviously this situation is different and that's hard for me, because I'm not used to having to take into consideration someone else with my relationship business. I still don't think he should be making me do this. I want to be able to see where it goes because I think we work pretty well together. I'm not going to be able to do that though with my boyfriend. I'm really torn. I don't like seeing my boyfriend so upset but I also can't just turn off how I feel. We both know that it might not be right away but I'm going to feel resentment about this. I already feel a ting of it now, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it when it finally comes full circle. I could really use some advice and where to go with everything.
 
I'm so sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse for you. (Virtual hug). Sounds like this has been very hard for you.

So maybe a re-frame would help here. Your boyfriend can't "make" you do anything, even if it's phrased that way. There are a few different options.

1) Choose to be monogamous. End everything romantically with your other guy and accept that while your boyfriend may never be okay with you being poly, you value being in a relationship with him over having multiple relationships. Work on your and your boyfriend's relationship and healing from the lost of your other relationship.

2) Choose to put poly on hold. Let your boyfriend know that you understand this is hard for him, and you're willing to table the conversation about poly for a period of time while the two of you work on your relationship (3 months? 6 months? What feels doable to you?). Consider couples therapy (and individual therapy if he is still struggling with depression). Let your other guy know you can't be involved romantically now. At the end of that time, you and your boyfriend revisit the poly conversation. Has your boyfriend become more willing of you being poly? Have you decided you are more inclined to be monogamous than lose the relationship? Are you both on the same page, or is a breakup healthier?

3) Choose to continue polyshipping. Let your boyfriend know that although this is hard for him, you intend to continue exploring things with your other guy, despite his discomfort. You started your relationship with your boyfriend as open, and while his desires have changed, yours have not. Offer couples therapy to work through his difficulties with you being poly. You and your boyfriend may choose to breakup, due to incompatible relationship needs.

Seeing these decisions as choices may feel more empowering and less "punitive" on behalf of your boyfriend. While none of these options may feel optimal to you, which is the one that will cause the least amount of pain?

I'll add that it's great that you're sharing on the forum. You'll get a ton of support and advice on here, which I found invaluable when I was struggling when my husband began dating his girlfriend. Hope you get through this without too much pain...
 
Sorry it's been such a rollercoaster. I feel badly for your suffering, I can relate.

I've been on both sides. NRE is fine and fun when we are the ones experiencing it, but sometimes when one's partner is in it, compersion is hard to find, and envy and jealousy rear their ugly heads.

Sounds like things are greatly compounded by your bf's SAD. I wonder if he's tried full spectrum lights and Vitamin D supplements?

Be that as it may, if he gets depressed half the year and won't seek help, or nothing works well, and he gives up, do you really want to be with him, mono or poly? Doesn't sound very good to be a nurse/caretaker for the rest of your life. It's nice to be nurturing, but only you can decide how much you are willing to give, how much of his issues you can take, and still feel healthy yourself.

NRE can only be handled if both partners properly nurture themselves and each other. If one is co-dependent, or the other is too self-centered/narcissistic, or has bad communication skills, or whatever, poly won't work without lots of talk, and probably individual and couples therapy. Poly is not for needy, weak people.
 
Wasn't sure if I should make a new post or not so I just decided to post here. The past month has been chaotic in many aspects. My bf had given me an ultimatum and told me to pick just being with him or he was ending it. I told him I wasn't picking one way or the other because I wanted to be with him, but I wanted to stay involved with this other guy as well. So he dumped me. Things with my new boyfriend are going wonderfully. The only small catch was that he asked that we be monogamous. I agreed to it because I like him and I don't feel that I'm unable to be with just one person, it probably just isn't meant for me in the long haul if that makes any sense. We're young and both don't really know where things will end up. I figure if it turns into a long term thing and me having feelings for other people comes up, then it'll just have to be dealt with when that happens.
 
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You're Fortunate

I'm happy for you that you've moved on.

You are fortunate to be able to explore this issue at an early age.

If it turns out that you decide you are monogamous you will have based that decision on your own experiences.

I wish I had known when I was your age that being non-monogamous was my preference and that it can be very successful.
 
Wasn't sure if I should make a new post or not so I just decided to post here. The past month has been chaotic in many aspects. My bf had given me an ultimatum and told me to pick just being with him or he was ending it. I told him I wasn't picking one way or the other because I wanted to be with him, but I wanted to stay involved with this other guy as well. So he dumped me. Things with my new boyfriend are going wonderfully. The only small catch was that he asked that we be monogamous. I agreed to it because I like him and I don't feel that I'm unable to be with just one person, it probably just isn't meant for me in the long haul if that makes any sense. We're young and both don't really know where things will end up. I figure if it turns into a long term thing and me having feelings for other people comes up, then it'll just have to be dealt with when that happens.

Oh boy. You told new bf you'd be mono?? Ugh, promises made during NRE... you have a high chance of repeating the same pain a year or so down the road when NRE for this guy wears off! I don't think it's a "small catch," hon. :(

Oh well, you're young. Live and learn.
 
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