New & Naive

hislittlekitten

New member
Hello! 28-y/o monogamous female currently involved with a polyamorous male who has a girlfriend and is considering opening up to more partners.

This is so new to me that it's only been a few months since I've had to consider polyamory as relevant to my life. I've always been monogamous and don't intend to find new partners, though I could be swayed to meet (and JUST meet) other men while still being involved with this poly male.

I'm choosing to accept polyamory as my beau's lifestyle and not necessarily 'participate' as poly; like I said, I've warmed up to casually dating others, but I have no intention of carrying on multiple relationships simultaneously.

I feel that joining this board will be necessary for me to have conversations and get advice about being monogamous with a polyamorous person.

I'll post more about my specific situation on other sections, but for now, hello and I hope to gain a lot of insight from this board.
 
New to poly

I too am confused as to whether this is polyamory on your part. It is certainly to your boyfriend, but you and his girlfriend are not acquainted, I wonder if it is only he that is poly. In my case, my husband and my two lovers know the situation, but we've never had anything but me and one of them.

My husband and I have had two threesomes with an old friend of his, and everyone participated. It was almost automatic that I kissed her (not a problem as I've had lesbian relationships), and we became friends.

When I developed cancer, I was not able to have sex without pain (we're working on that with positioning and pillows), so when we were in SF, I went shopping and happily left the two of them to play. I came back in the midst and no one was the least embarrassed. I think if friendship is part of it, all sorts of poly combinations are possible.

So...would you be comfortable asking to meet her? That would at least establish that he is honest. If not, I'm not sure if it's just him having multiple lovers, which I don't think is the definition of poly.

More experienced poly people, please correct me if I'm wrong.
 
Greetings hislittlekitten,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have looked at your other thread and have responded there; hopefully what I said will be of some help.

A person can be in a poly situation even if not everyone in the situation is polyamorously inclined. Meeting your metamour (his girlfriend) is a good idea and does establish his honesty, but assuming that can be done, I would say you're in a poly relationship.

Hopefully the various folks on Polyamory.com can answer your various questions as they arise. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I too am confused as to whether this is polyamory on your part. It is certainly to your boyfriend, but you and his girlfriend are not acquainted, I wonder if it is only he that is poly. In my case, my husband and my two lovers know the situation, but we've never had anything but me and one of them.

No, we are not acquainted. He has reservations about it. She is married and her husband has a girlfriend; all four of them are acquainted.

He has stated in the past that she should be worried about me and how close he and I are and that I could be a threat to her. The husband's girlfriend has expressed the same concerns and she has specifically added that I am prettier and that is a factor. She (my man's girlfriend, let's call her E) has seemed to put in a little effort (buying things for me on his behalf, helping him do things for me) and curiosity about me (she has sometimes thought she's seen me around and asked my man about it). I wouldn't mind meeting her at all.

My husband and I have had two threesomes with an old friend of his, and everyone participated. It was almost automatic that I kissed her (not a problem as I've had lesbian relationships), and we became friends.

When I developed cancer, I was not able to have sex without pain (we're working on that with positioning and pillows), so when we were in SF, I went shopping and happily left the two of them to play. I came back in the midst and no one was the least embarrassed. I think if friendship is part of it, all sorts of poly combinations are possible.

So...would you be comfortable asking to meet her? That would at least establish that he is honest. If not, I'm not sure if it's just him having multiple lovers, which I don't think is the definition of poly.

More experienced poly people, please correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. How are you doing now?

I have asked to meet her and again been met with reservations. I think it will take time for him.

On the topic of threesomes... he and I have recently been talking about this.

I'm not sexually interested in his girlfriend and it's not because I'm not interested in a MFF threesome; I don't find E attractive (and I dare never say this to him). I wouldn't know how to consider my sexuality as I am a little curious but inexperienced with the same sex; have never really messed around with any girls, not even kissed one, but recently had the thought that maybe we should find a girl to play with sometime. So I am definitely interested in a MFF threesome. I know that I've never felt uncomfortable finding girls attractive and I have always wanted to find myself in a position where I'm comfortable enough with a man who wants to explore with another girl (but oddly never wanted to explore alone). He actually seems to be having the same thoughts and came to me with that thought just a day or two after I'd given it my own (private) thought.

Will E and I ever meet? I'm not sure. I wouldn't mind that. But I have found a pattern with my beau and I think it is that he needs to think things through better before he acts, so lately I feel myself in the role of a bit of a moderator so that things don't get out of control or are executed poorly.
 
Thank you for your reply! I will sift through all of this. I'm really glad you are here greeting people and it makes this a lot more welcoming to hear from someone. Thanks again.

Greetings hislittlekitten,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have looked at your other thread and have responded there; hopefully what I said will be of some help.

A person can be in a poly situation even if not everyone in the situation is polyamorously inclined. Meeting your metamour (his girlfriend) is a good idea and does establish his honesty, but assuming that can be done, I would say you're in a poly relationship.

Hopefully the various folks on Polyamory.com can answer your various questions as they arise. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I'm choosing to accept polyamory as my beau's lifestyle and not necessarily 'participate' as poly; like I said, I've warmed up to casually dating others, but I have no intention of carrying on multiple relationships simultaneously.
It's useful to see the difference between being a poly person and being in a poly relationship. Being a mono person with a poly partner doesn't mean you have to suddenly date other people or call yourself poly too unless that works for you. I've seen a lot of people in your situation who post here asking for advice on how to shoehorn themselves into a poly box that just doesn't fit them because that's what they've been led to believe is required of someone in a poly relationship.

If not, I'm not sure if it's just him having multiple lovers, which I don't think is the definition of poly.
Which definition are you using?
 
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