Secondary and I think that's okay

Betts4, it sounds to me like you went in with your eyes wide open, and knowing what you need from this relationship. That's awesome! I'm glad the evening went so well. :)
 
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WhatHappened, not everyone wants to get on the Relationship Escalator. In many threads, you often will point out that someone's potential relationship won't be able to lead to marriage/living together/sharing finances, etc. You come off as a little more bitter each time you do that. However, lots of people don't want all that white picket fence stuff, and lots of people are a little more realistic in their expectations and want to just enjoy a relationship without worrying about where it's going or whther it will last forever, and so on - and it certainly seems obvious to me that Betts enjoys her independence and a relationship with this man would work for her, even as a "secondary." I'm someone who strongly dislikes hierarchies in relationships but it sounds like everybody in Betts' situation is being smart, communicative, and considerate. Besides, it's so early on and just beginning - why lay all that crap on it at this point?
 
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It is just starting and for what it's worth, I know this is not going to be perfect and I don't have rose colored glasses on. And things do change.

I came looking here looking to see if the thoughts I were having seemed viable and reasonable and if possible to learn about other secondary's relationships - good and bad - so I can glean information from that.

I sincerely hope that in 6 months or 2 years I am not back here saying what a dope I was falling in love with this guy and wanting to have babies and shoot his primary because he spends all his time with her. :p In fact one of the things discussed was how that happened with a past relationship. It was actually D not wanting to give up time with girlfriend when he had given up time with wife when he was sick. And this hurt the wife. My feeling on this is, I am flexible, and I have my own social circles that exist already so if I lose a day or three somewhere, because of an emergency then it can be made up later.

I can't see it as a competition for time. It's a working, changing dynamic. And that said, I am not going to let myself by steamrolled over. And I am not going to give up all my time all the time. If there are too many 'emergencies' then it would be time to sit down and reprocess the situation.

I feel I showed them that last night when we discussed things and spoke about having overnight visits. I am all for that, but he kept saying 'how about during the week'. and I said "no, I have to be to work at x in the morning need morning time so how about a fri or sat?" the wife was good with that and he decided that he wasn't going to win against both of us. :)

It was something that helped them establish parameters they have. A learning curve on what boundaries needed to be in place for future relationships (me). The growing part of this relationship will be learning those and any in the future in a way that will let the relationship continue.
 
I just want to agree with NYCindie. If you like being a solo poly and do not want to become totally enmeshed with your new married boyfriend, I think that is great.

You're 50 years old, you know what you want. You like living alone and being your own "master." Cool.

I think WhatHappened's comments were off base and out of line.

I do think your new bf and his wife are very methodical. But at least they know what they are doing! My newly ex bf was dating a couple since the spring who refused to set up a schedule, only wanting to be spontaneous and last minute. I never knew what was going on. It was a major reason I sadly broke up with my bf. I found it very inconsiderate of them to expect to have last minute dates all the time whenever they wanted, forcing me into having less time with my bf, being squeezed out.

Sure, your bf and his wife demanding proof of your tubal ligation when you're 50 and have stopped cycling seems a little over the top. But maybe they don't understand menopause, since the wife is only 30! Sheesh. I hope it didn't cost you too much to get tested for estrogen/progesterone. I was once. My gyno recommended it in my mid to late 40s. It ended up not being covered by insurance, and cost like $100. :mad:
 
Good for you, Betts4. You and your new poly people sound on the same page about how you want to be together and treat each other at this time. You guys also sound realistic enough, reasonable enough, assertive enough, prepared enough, and flexible enough.

I hope things go well for all of you.

Kudos!
Galagirl
 
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I agree with nycindie too.

Murf has NO interest in a traditional marriage. Before me he wanted nothing to do with marriage. He likes some time to himself as do I.

Even if Butch died and I legally married Murf I would so keep my home and bounce between the two.
 
I have a suspicion that the whole proof of tubal ligation or some sort of birth control is because they got burned somewhere along the way. There was something the wife said the other night and then a look between them that made me go 'hunh'.

The positive readback is appreciated.

So, I will throw this out there -- who buys the condoms? I bought a box but don't know if they are the right kind...and then wondered if I should be buying them or if he can get them in bulk or something. :D
 
That was my guess with the tubal. They got burned somewhere so are extra cautious now.

Could buy some to start to make sure you have some of your favs on hand. He can buy his favs. Better you both have condoms than have none handy. You will eventually figure out what "our favs" are. Then ask him if you can chip in on cost later or take turns buying or what.

Same as dinner out. Split the check each time or take turns? You will figure that out as you go, I am sure. It is all part of getting to know each other more intimately.

Galagirl
 
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That was my guess with the tubal. They got burned somewhere so are extra cautious now.

Could buy some to start to make sure you have some of your favs on hand. He can buy his favs. Better you both have condoms than have none handy. You will eventually figure out what "our favs" are. Then ask him if you can chip in on cost later or take turns buying or what.

Same as dinner out. Split the check each time or take turns? You will figure that out as you go, I am sure. It is all part of getting to know each other more intimately.

Galagirl

Yeah, I am going with the taking turns for dinner and such - first date he made dinner, then I made dinner, then he made it for the process meeting and I am taking him out a fave place of mine tomorrow (it's not expensive but really good food).
 
Hehe in my nightstand is a collection of condoms, some left by guys, some free ones I picked up at my health clinic. It's a secret giggle to me, when a new guy comes along and uses a condom from a box another guy brought and left.

Hey, my life has been tough lately, I get my laughs when I can.
 
So, I will throw this out there -- who buys the condoms? I bought a box but don't know if they are the right kind...and then wondered if I should be buying them or if he can get them in bulk or something. :D

How about guys buy the condoms and girls buy the lube? :D Just kidding but this made me laugh. Ah, the details of modern poly etiquette ...:eek:

When Dude and I got together I gave him a bunch of free condoms from the clinic. When he got together with Lotus, they initially used condoms from her stash, but it turns out he is much more particular about condoms than any previous partners so he ordered his preferred type in bulk.

Seriously, though, I would ask if he has a preference and then you BOTH by condoms so there are always plenty on hand.
 
How about guys buy the condoms and girls buy the lube? :D Just kidding but this made me laugh. Ah, the details of modern poly etiquette ...:eek:

When Dude and I got together I gave him a bunch of free condoms from the clinic. When he got together with Lotus, they initially used condoms from her stash, but it turns out he is much more particular about condoms than any previous partners so he ordered his preferred type in bulk.

Seriously, though, I would ask if he has a preference and then you BOTH by condoms so there are always plenty on hand.

When I was first dating my ex-boyfriend we went through a lot of condoms. I loved the fact that he had a much quicker recharge rate than my husband and I took shameless advantage of it. About a month and a half into our relationship my husband and I went to Target to buy Christmas cards and I decided to check out their stock of condoms, since I hadn't looked there before. They had 36 packs of ex-boyfriend's favorite condom, so we went through the check out stand with a box of 50 Christmas cards and 72 condoms. The checker gave us the weirdest look, which my husband found hilarious. My ex laughed when I told him about it too. :)
 
Poly etiquette indeed! When things looked like they might get sexual with the guy me and my gf are dating, we decided that it was best to be prepared and all that jazz. Being in a same-sex relationship for the past decade or more, it was kind of weird for me to be buying condoms at all, let alone with her. Weirder still having to go back to the same store the next day, to be served by the same attendant, because we needed a different size! Oops! It's definitely worth asking him about any brand/size preferences in advance if you don't want a box of unsuitable ones hanging about your house forever. :)

To address the OP's question: we operate on a 'stock your own house' principle. In practise, it means we tend to buy more than he does since we generally have more privacy and space at ours than he does at his. It's not a big deal though. He does struggle to get a good fit with off the shelf brands so we've been thinking about getting a bulk order of custom-fit ones - then we'd split the cost of that three ways and distribute them accordingly.
 
I bought a 3 pack last night just to be prepared. :)

Quite odd standing there in the aisle of Rite Aid and wondering which to get. Then having two guys walk by at different times. I wanted to grab one by the arm and say "hey, what do you prefer?". :D

And to have fun, I am also on an online forum where we play games but it's all via posts on a thread. Sounds odd but it works for the game. Well 99% of the players there are guys from 30-50ish. So, I posted the question there. Man, what a great laugh. Some of the advice was okay but most was hilarious. Guys. :rolleyes:

tenK - I like the "stock your own house" principle. I can go with that. A small price to pay for a whole lot o'fun. :)
 
I almost always bring my own, especially since I have a latex sensitivity and most people don't just have latex-free condoms laying around even if they do stock condoms.
 
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Like Rose, I usually bring my own condoms because of an allergy. (In my case, spermicide...which isn't necessary anyway since I had a hysterectomy five years ago.)

The one time I relied on the guy for condoms was S2... our first date, we didn't know where things would end up, so I didn't bring any condoms and since I was the first woman he'd gotten together with since his marriage ended, he didn't have any on hand. He rushed to the drugstore and bought extra-lubricated condoms.

Let's just say... I don't need *extra* lube. I don't even really need the typical amount of lube. I do just fine producing that.

And I kinda fell off him...

After that, I made sure to bring my own condoms when I saw him.
 
Hello Betts

Hello! Your story mirrors mine somewhat. Loads of good advice from the room, but I thought I'd add a couple of thoughts too.

I struggled at first as Secondary - issues of jealousy, that my time and enjoyment was largely on someone else's terms.. And I was spending too much time in 'wait mode' waiting for a message or mail. So a couple of things really helped, first was a link to a really great article on the Rights of Secondaries http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html this site also has excellent advice on Jealousy (although that isn't an issue for you?)

The other thing I realised I needed to do was create some balance in my life to avoid the 'wait mode' problem.. So I deliberately have a new lover, who herself is new to Poly, and introducing a FWB guy to the mix.

This is really working well, and reduces the pressure on my Primary...

Hope this is useful???
 
I can understand the "wait mode" issue. It hits me, not so much all the time but really the first 24 hours after we have had a date night. After that I get my brain moving on to some other things. And some of them are social, so that helps.

I don't know if I could handle another relationship right now but your advice is appreciated.

It's a learning process. We are building a relationship. Date night was thursday and we were both chatting online about how excited we were and then about 2 hours later he said he didn't think he could come up to my place. He was feeling really tired. Now he had been sick earlier in the week and I had told him once that we could reschedule but he said no. Now he was telling me he didn't want to mess the date up but wasn't feeling up to it. I told him okay, we can figure another day out. Then I asked if maybe I could bring him dinner and have a relaxing meal, nothing intense. His wife was out on her date, so he agreed. Dinner went well and we cuddled with me rubbing his back and scalp where the pain was. It was a nice evening.
 
Yay for communication.

Had another date, and things couldn't have gone better.

Had D over for dinner and I cooked on the grill. This relaxes me. I love grilled food. And I will grill all year even in the snow. So we had dinner and then cuddled on the couch watching some tv. He knew I wanted to ask some questions/process. He said no rush, let's relax and we did. I brought out some of things that had been bouncing around in my head and we worked thru them.

It was nice to know that a) he was receptive to listening and discussing and b)we could work thru them to satisfaction. This gives me a lot of hope for the future.
 
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