Nonsexual/sexual poly relationships

Worlock

New member
Hi everyone. :)

I currently have a girlfriend and a boyfriend. My girlfriend and I initially began exploring poly relationships a few months ago but were always open and occasionally engaged in casual encounters with other people... so it wasn't that huge of a deal for us to express interest to each other in dating other people as well. Things have been going pretty well so far, and my partners are both good friends with each other.

The only issue I'm having is that I'm not sure where I stand sexually anymore. Before I was poly, I always sort of thought there was a prescribed way to have a relationship; that it had to be both a.) romantic and b.) sexual. As it turns out, when you're poly you can kind of form unique, individual relationships with each person.

Ever since then, I've begun to wonder if my romantic orientation and sexual orientation don't quite line up. Romantically, I consider myself pan-romantic and able to have romantic relationships with people of any gender identity. Sexually, I'm not sure. I seem to favor masculine traits in individuals, kind of regardless of gender identity (but they generally end up being cisgender males). It's very confusing for me because my girlfriend is transgender, recently began her transition, and sex feels a little different with her and kind of forced at times. This was always the case, so I don't really think it has to do with her gender transition. Currently we're kind of taking a break from sex, but it's frustrating for her at times because she's so attracted to me in that specific manner. She does have other partners with which she can engage sexually, but they live out of town so she doesn't see them quite as often. It leaves me feeling intense guilt, because I have such a powerful sexual chemistry with my boyfriend in comparison. I guess I'm just not sure how to go about exploring this more and figuring it all out so that all parties are happy and getting what they need from me.

Not sure if anyone can give any advice here; I'm just feeling like an inadequate partner and would like to know that I'm not alone and that it's not weird to have different types of relationships with different people.
 
Some people do have incongruent romantic orientation and sexual orientation, and that's okay. If you're panromantic heterosexual, it's just what you are. It's not your fault and you can't change it. Every person and relationship is unique, so just because you have passionate sex with your bf, doesn't mean you have to do the same with your gf or any other partner. Explain to your gf that you're wired this way and you can't help it, even though you love her as much as you love your bf. She can choose to either live with that or leave the relationship.
 
Before I was poly, I always sort of thought there was a prescribed way to have a relationship; that it had to be both a.) romantic and b.) sexual. As it turns out, when you're poly you can kind of form unique, individual relationships with each person.
....
Not sure if anyone can give any advice here; I'm just feeling like an inadequate partner and would like to know that I'm not alone and that it's not weird to have different types of relationships with different people.

You are not alone.

EVERY relationship is unique. Because every person is unique. Including you.

In our society we are conditioned to believe that "real" relationships are only of a certain kind and have to all follow the same trajectory. Hogwash. This is not true even for heterosexual, monogamous, vanilla relationships. Relationships consist of the interactions and bonds that develops between two unique individuals over time. There are no "should"s - they ARE what they develop into. Enjoy your partners and let them enjoy you.
 
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