natalieisafox
New member
I'm a 25 year old woman in a monogamous relationship with my 24 year old boyfriend. We have been together for three and a half years, and I'm very in love with him. We have all the same values and same family goals, we want all the same things in the future. We have mostly everything in common, we enjoy each other's company and have a lot of fun together. He's handsome and I'm very attracted to him, even though our sex drives don't quite match up (his is very little while mine is through the roof). He's my best friend, and I can't picture my life without him.
In early spring of 2012, I worked with a young man who is about 7 years older than me, doing assisted living. We spent a lot of time together, mostly alone and though we remained 100% professional throughout the whole thing, we clearly enjoyed each other's company. He left at the beginning of the summer. It was sad, because I really enjoyed his company, and even though I was in a relationship and felt guilty, I was extremely attracted to him and crushed on him hard. Harder than anyone in a long time. I don't find myself attracted to people often, so it was exciting to feel that feeling with someone again. He never once let on that he was attracted to me, so I just dropped my little pipe dream fantasy and worked on my rocky relationship after he left.
About a month later, he contacted me on Facebook. It was very laid back and friendly, but it was mostly just to say sorry for disappearing from work and that he hoped there was no hard feelings. And also, to invite me to a weekly poker night he hosted. I didn't go the 1st one, or the 2nd one, or even the 3rd, 4th, or 5th one. I didn't go until the last week in August. I didn't play poker with then, but we were in each other's sight all night. Finally when everybody left, we had a couple hours alone. We ended up really enjoying ourselves and by the end of the night he made a move. I tried to resist, I finally told him I had a boyfriend, he immediately replied, "So?" And then proceeded to say something about how if I never took the chance, I would always wonder what would have happened...We didn't have sex, but other things happened...My boyfriend found out and was really hurt...we broke up. And I immediately found myself seeing the other guy.
We saw each other for three months and got even closer than we were before. We only saw each other every other week, but we had an amazing time when we were together. We were very comfortable in each other's company. There was an intense feeling that we didn't talk about, but were aware of. And the sex was amazing.
But my boyfriend and I didn't really ever stop seeing each other either. We did for the first month, but then we started hanging out again, then eventually, basically
dating once more...At the end of the three months, my boyfriend found out that I continued seeing the other man, and that we were having sex. This was devastating news for him, but he wanted to stay with me, and he wanted me to stop seeing my co-worker and work things out with him. So I did. I immediately broke it off with the other man. But I never stopped thinking about him...and apparently he never stopped thinking about me either, because two months after everything ended, he called me. I didn't answer. He called my phone every few weeks, but I never answered. I just let my heart pound every time it rung and I saw his number.
I let it happen for a couple months, then finally I have him my email and asked him to write me. We only talked for a little because my boyfriend found out and ended it. It stopped for a little, then started up again. In November of the year after we saw each other, I stopped by his house to see him for an hour in between work shifts. It was so overwhelming, I could hardly handle it. He tried to kiss me when I left, but I didn't let him. I wrote him after the visit and pleaded for him to tell me what it was about me that kept him coming back. It was at this point where he told me how he felt about me and explained his views on relationships and dating. He had open relationships, and encouraged me to try it. He always talked about what a shame it was because that I wouldn't give myself the chance to explore and that I limited myself to only one experience. He admitted that he would have a monogamous relationship with me, but was willing to have an open one if I was, but I wasn't.
The writing and occasional phone calls never really stopped. They would for a few months, but then we would write back and forth for a few weeks, then I would panic for fear that I would get caught and I would cut him off, then miss him and contact him again. This viscous cycle lasted forever...We were/are almost psychically connected. Every time I found myself missing him and thinking about him really hard, he would find a way to contact me and then we would begin the whole dance over again, until either I was caught, or felt too guilty. Our conversations were always appropriate. I was terrified of "cheating" on my boyfriend, since I had been labeled one after the whole incident, so I wouldn't let him talk about anything inappropriate. So we just asked each other questions, and answered them at length. I found myself waiting impatiently every week, in anticipation for his responses.
We ended up speaking on the phone one time, and it made me physically feel pain. I missed him a lot. We ended up seeing each other three times at the beginning of this summer. We did not have sex, or even kiss. It was so overwhelming, but I loved every second of his attention, as he did mine. I cut him off AGAIN. This time I did it over the phone, as I felt I owed him that. He was really heart broken, I could hear it in his voice. He admitted to me this time that he was attached to me. It hurt really bad to let him go, because I was attached to him too.
About six weeks later, he messaged my friend on Facebook (a channel in which he had become accustomed to getting in touch with me without actually contacting me). She informed me and I immediately emailed him on an email I knew I wouldn't get caught on. We story told and question asked again, and this time it got a little x-rated, but all in good fun. Just stuff we enjoyed doing and turn ons, and such. I know all of this is wrong...or at least I feel like it is...we are still talking now at this point in time.
My boyfriend and I have been steadily working on our relationship, but things only improve for a little bit. He is very dependent and needy. He typically doesn't have a job, he can only hold one for a few months at a time. I'm support us mainly by working two jobs. He always has a legit excuse why he doesn't have work; right now he has a work related injury...he's depending on me to take care of him and work and pay the bills and even fill out his workers comp paperwork...
But the other man doesn't leave my thoughts. And even though we don't talk for weeks, sometimes even months, I know we are on each other's minds a lot. Its a happy, warm, strong, comforting feeling that rests in my belly and my heart. Him and I talk a lot about relationships and what they mean to us. He has an open relationship going with one woman and has expressed his care for her. He also wishes that I would not make myself feel awful with all this "baseless guilt" as he calls it. He feels that if something feels this good, and this right, then why should we deprive ourselves of it? My argument is that it's not fair to my boyfriend. Then he argues that I'm not going to do something that I want to do, just because it isn't fair, is silly...
But it's not right, is it? I can't just carry this relationship on, it's not healthy...it would be healthy if my boyfriend knew about it and was okay, but he doesn't know about it, and he wouldn't be okay...I just don't know what to do. Every few months that go by, things get more emotionally serious with the other man. We clearly care for each other, and even though we don't necessarily want to be monogamous (even though it has been discussed and I think we would have ended up that way if my boyfriend had never been in the picture) we cannot let each other go. A few months can go by, but by the end of it, we are on each other's minds often and are getting ready to contact the other when the other will beat us to it.
I love my boyfriend, and my feelings have not changed. I want to marry him, I fantasize about our wedding and future often, and how much I love his family and how I love being a part of it. And how I love studying energy with him, and chakras and the zodiac, and I love cooking with him, and playing music with him. I love laughing and cuddling and watching movies. I can't wait to travel with him and show him places he's never been. I love camping with him and canoeing and being in nature with him. I want to learn to farm with him and do woodworking with him. I love him. And I know that. I've thought about it a lot over the past two years...
I have beat myself up a lot over this. A lot. The dread and the shame that I feel is unbearable sometimes. I feel like I am doing so much wrong and I cut him off and bury the feelings away and force myself to stop thinking of him...then he will pop back up and I am suddenly aware of the hole again and how much it hurts because he's not in my life.
I don't know what to do. I just want to have my cake and eat it too, but I know I can't keep this going...I really want to tell my boyfriend how I feel, but I don't know how to do it, and I don't know if I can handle the emotional upset that it will cause...But I feel selfish and I feel like I'm basically cheating, even though there is no sex involved. I don't know what to do...I'm getting to the point where I would rather be all alone than to break anymore hearts...
...Any advice..?
In early spring of 2012, I worked with a young man who is about 7 years older than me, doing assisted living. We spent a lot of time together, mostly alone and though we remained 100% professional throughout the whole thing, we clearly enjoyed each other's company. He left at the beginning of the summer. It was sad, because I really enjoyed his company, and even though I was in a relationship and felt guilty, I was extremely attracted to him and crushed on him hard. Harder than anyone in a long time. I don't find myself attracted to people often, so it was exciting to feel that feeling with someone again. He never once let on that he was attracted to me, so I just dropped my little pipe dream fantasy and worked on my rocky relationship after he left.
About a month later, he contacted me on Facebook. It was very laid back and friendly, but it was mostly just to say sorry for disappearing from work and that he hoped there was no hard feelings. And also, to invite me to a weekly poker night he hosted. I didn't go the 1st one, or the 2nd one, or even the 3rd, 4th, or 5th one. I didn't go until the last week in August. I didn't play poker with then, but we were in each other's sight all night. Finally when everybody left, we had a couple hours alone. We ended up really enjoying ourselves and by the end of the night he made a move. I tried to resist, I finally told him I had a boyfriend, he immediately replied, "So?" And then proceeded to say something about how if I never took the chance, I would always wonder what would have happened...We didn't have sex, but other things happened...My boyfriend found out and was really hurt...we broke up. And I immediately found myself seeing the other guy.
We saw each other for three months and got even closer than we were before. We only saw each other every other week, but we had an amazing time when we were together. We were very comfortable in each other's company. There was an intense feeling that we didn't talk about, but were aware of. And the sex was amazing.
But my boyfriend and I didn't really ever stop seeing each other either. We did for the first month, but then we started hanging out again, then eventually, basically
dating once more...At the end of the three months, my boyfriend found out that I continued seeing the other man, and that we were having sex. This was devastating news for him, but he wanted to stay with me, and he wanted me to stop seeing my co-worker and work things out with him. So I did. I immediately broke it off with the other man. But I never stopped thinking about him...and apparently he never stopped thinking about me either, because two months after everything ended, he called me. I didn't answer. He called my phone every few weeks, but I never answered. I just let my heart pound every time it rung and I saw his number.
I let it happen for a couple months, then finally I have him my email and asked him to write me. We only talked for a little because my boyfriend found out and ended it. It stopped for a little, then started up again. In November of the year after we saw each other, I stopped by his house to see him for an hour in between work shifts. It was so overwhelming, I could hardly handle it. He tried to kiss me when I left, but I didn't let him. I wrote him after the visit and pleaded for him to tell me what it was about me that kept him coming back. It was at this point where he told me how he felt about me and explained his views on relationships and dating. He had open relationships, and encouraged me to try it. He always talked about what a shame it was because that I wouldn't give myself the chance to explore and that I limited myself to only one experience. He admitted that he would have a monogamous relationship with me, but was willing to have an open one if I was, but I wasn't.
The writing and occasional phone calls never really stopped. They would for a few months, but then we would write back and forth for a few weeks, then I would panic for fear that I would get caught and I would cut him off, then miss him and contact him again. This viscous cycle lasted forever...We were/are almost psychically connected. Every time I found myself missing him and thinking about him really hard, he would find a way to contact me and then we would begin the whole dance over again, until either I was caught, or felt too guilty. Our conversations were always appropriate. I was terrified of "cheating" on my boyfriend, since I had been labeled one after the whole incident, so I wouldn't let him talk about anything inappropriate. So we just asked each other questions, and answered them at length. I found myself waiting impatiently every week, in anticipation for his responses.
We ended up speaking on the phone one time, and it made me physically feel pain. I missed him a lot. We ended up seeing each other three times at the beginning of this summer. We did not have sex, or even kiss. It was so overwhelming, but I loved every second of his attention, as he did mine. I cut him off AGAIN. This time I did it over the phone, as I felt I owed him that. He was really heart broken, I could hear it in his voice. He admitted to me this time that he was attached to me. It hurt really bad to let him go, because I was attached to him too.
About six weeks later, he messaged my friend on Facebook (a channel in which he had become accustomed to getting in touch with me without actually contacting me). She informed me and I immediately emailed him on an email I knew I wouldn't get caught on. We story told and question asked again, and this time it got a little x-rated, but all in good fun. Just stuff we enjoyed doing and turn ons, and such. I know all of this is wrong...or at least I feel like it is...we are still talking now at this point in time.
My boyfriend and I have been steadily working on our relationship, but things only improve for a little bit. He is very dependent and needy. He typically doesn't have a job, he can only hold one for a few months at a time. I'm support us mainly by working two jobs. He always has a legit excuse why he doesn't have work; right now he has a work related injury...he's depending on me to take care of him and work and pay the bills and even fill out his workers comp paperwork...
But the other man doesn't leave my thoughts. And even though we don't talk for weeks, sometimes even months, I know we are on each other's minds a lot. Its a happy, warm, strong, comforting feeling that rests in my belly and my heart. Him and I talk a lot about relationships and what they mean to us. He has an open relationship going with one woman and has expressed his care for her. He also wishes that I would not make myself feel awful with all this "baseless guilt" as he calls it. He feels that if something feels this good, and this right, then why should we deprive ourselves of it? My argument is that it's not fair to my boyfriend. Then he argues that I'm not going to do something that I want to do, just because it isn't fair, is silly...
But it's not right, is it? I can't just carry this relationship on, it's not healthy...it would be healthy if my boyfriend knew about it and was okay, but he doesn't know about it, and he wouldn't be okay...I just don't know what to do. Every few months that go by, things get more emotionally serious with the other man. We clearly care for each other, and even though we don't necessarily want to be monogamous (even though it has been discussed and I think we would have ended up that way if my boyfriend had never been in the picture) we cannot let each other go. A few months can go by, but by the end of it, we are on each other's minds often and are getting ready to contact the other when the other will beat us to it.
I love my boyfriend, and my feelings have not changed. I want to marry him, I fantasize about our wedding and future often, and how much I love his family and how I love being a part of it. And how I love studying energy with him, and chakras and the zodiac, and I love cooking with him, and playing music with him. I love laughing and cuddling and watching movies. I can't wait to travel with him and show him places he's never been. I love camping with him and canoeing and being in nature with him. I want to learn to farm with him and do woodworking with him. I love him. And I know that. I've thought about it a lot over the past two years...
I have beat myself up a lot over this. A lot. The dread and the shame that I feel is unbearable sometimes. I feel like I am doing so much wrong and I cut him off and bury the feelings away and force myself to stop thinking of him...then he will pop back up and I am suddenly aware of the hole again and how much it hurts because he's not in my life.
I don't know what to do. I just want to have my cake and eat it too, but I know I can't keep this going...I really want to tell my boyfriend how I feel, but I don't know how to do it, and I don't know if I can handle the emotional upset that it will cause...But I feel selfish and I feel like I'm basically cheating, even though there is no sex involved. I don't know what to do...I'm getting to the point where I would rather be all alone than to break anymore hearts...
...Any advice..?