Their relationship is affecting me, but they're leaving me in the dark... help

Mignonne

New member
I am presently in a relationship with a couple and it's fairly complicated.*

The thing that is the most troublesome about it right now, is that the issues they (Igor and Baby) are having in their relationship also effect my relationship and interactions with both of them.

Yet, I have NO clue what's going on half the time because they won't talk to me about it. I'm left in the dark because it "has nothing to do with me," but it's having a ripple effect.

Communication shuts down, he is irate or detached and I am left on the sidelines feeling the tension and negative energy. So usually until their issue is worked through, intimacy shuts down and I kinda... don't exist until it's solved.

I don't want to butt-in on their personal business... (is it theirs? ours?) but sometimes, it really puts a wrench in the gears and I'm left not knowing what to do. I am helpless, and I have no tools with which to fix the situation.

I only have a vague idea of what's going on, and it has something to do with Baby's behavior. She's a bit delayed, maturity-wise... but, other than that I only get snippets of these altercations.

For example, Igor and I were having a really lovely evening the other night. Energy was good and we were both in high spirits. Then... I don't even know what, she called or texted him something. And all I could hear was her nondescript wailing in the background. He went outside to talk to her and by the time he got back, everything just shut down.

I will sometimes timidly ask him or her, but the response I always get is "We needed to talk" or "It's between her and I, it doesn't have anything to do with you." This is usually followed by her not really speaking to me (because they're working it out?) and him just zoning out and being detached, and then they have like more talks and private time. Sometimes this cycle only takes a day, sometimes longer, until I can re-engage on an intimate level without their being occupied by whatever is happening.

I really do not know what to do. As I type this, right now, I am lying in bed and they're having an argument. I saw Igor for a bit and he just said it's an issue they've been having for a couple months and he didn't want to talk about it. I quietly nodded and I guess they're going to spend time tonight.

He groaned something about having two girlfriends, and I just stared sort of blankly because I had been only resting quietly in bed.

Like, does any of this make sense? Do I have a right to know... any of it? It's messing with my relationship progression with him, and my friendship with her, and our ability to help eachother. I'm stressed, and I can't really afford to be with my health and all... I want to do or say something but I feel like I can't.

It's moments like these that make me loathe being a secondary, when I was recently told I was equal to all parties. I'm sorry I'm upset, but this is bullshit.
 
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They're right it's their issue to figure out, you can't fix it. If it's bleeding over into your relationship that's something you need to discuss with them. "I agree that this is your issue to work through but it it affecting me and my relationship with you. This is not acceptable to me..." Maybe they need time to work on things but you need to decide whether you want to give them that time and go your separate ways. It doesn't sound like they're mature enough to handle a relationship of this type or maybe even a relationship at all.
 
It doesn't sound like they're mature enough to handle a relationship of this type...

My thoughts too, I guess, but mostly with the girl. They'd be pretty devastated if I outed myself, especially because of this. I have a very strong bond w/ Igor, but neither of us can control what Baby does. Not completely. He is trying to make it work, I can tell, but there seems to be little I can do.

These events have been going off and on since about 2 months ago. We've been together maybe... almost 7 months.

Igor spoke with me about what it was, but it was after he had been perched behind me a moment. He probably read part of it, not that I mind. I couldn't quite find the words for how it is affecting me/us and the whole situation.

I don't want to put more pressure on them or him when they're dealing with this but, I can't just... leave without saying anything.
 
It sounds to me like she is trying to sabotage your relationship with Igor by always interrupting and/or spoiling your time with him by throwing some kind of hissy fit so he will pay attention to her and not you. This is a very common tactic, usually used by partners who agreed to poly on the surface, but didn't actually want to.

That's just the first thing that occurred to me while reading your post. I would suggest you get out and see your friends, date other people, occupy yourself with things that you like to do, so you don't have to sit around and wait for them to finish their bullshit.
 
Can they work on their relationship on their time and she not call him while you guys are having your time? I think that would be a reasonable boundary to have.
 
It sounds to me like she is trying to sabotage your relationship with Igor by always interrupting and/or spoiling your time with him by throwing some kind of hissy fit so he will pay attention to her and not you. This is a very common tactic, usually used by partners who agreed to poly on the surface, but didn't actually want to.

That thought had crossed my mind but, the reason I hesitate to make that assumption is that she appears to be attached to me and refers to me as her girlfriend, but more importantly, she is the only one of the three of us having outside sexual relationships (Igor and I do not deviate outside the V).

Tonight she is supposed to go to a sex-type party, I guess, and already has another couple she plays with. I am alright with this, even though I have very little insight into what she actually does. I'd be very confused if she wants to interfere with Igor and I romantically.

My brain is scrambled eggs right now. :confused: I feel kinda bad for Igor really...
 
Can they work on their relationship on their time and she not call him while you guys are having your time? I think that would be a reasonable boundary to have.

Yes! This is always what I'm thinking. I think it is reasonable as I tend to keep to myself when they are talking or whatever. I don't mind them having time together esp. if nothing is urgent, of the three of us I am the least (outwardly) needy.

I always defer to her over myself every time if she wants him. I need some poly friends to chat with... seriously :(
 
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My now-ex boyfriend and his wife had long-running issues which occasionally prompted him to ask to put our relationship on hold for a while while they worked on the latest iteration of the problem. The first time I was fine with it. The second time I was happy to help. By the fifth or sixth time I was starting to get annoyed. I eventually told him that I wasn't willing to be in a relationship that had the rug pulled out from under it at irregular intervals and as a consequence I was going to take another such request as a sign that we were fundamentally incompatible. Guess what happened?

What I'm trying to say is that their issues are their issues, but that doesn't reduce your right to be treated with basic decency. If you're not getting what you need from your boyfriend it's up to you to make that known to him, and if it becomes clear you're still not going to get it you need to take reasonable steps to protect yourself from that. In my case that meant walking away.
 
I'd be very confused if she wants to interfere with Igor and I romantically.
Well, it wouldn't necessarily be done out of jealousy. It could just be a need to be in control, or to stake her claim as primary, queen bee. I know I would never put up with it as much as you have. i'd be telling them, "I'm out of here until you get your act together, people. Respect me or I'm done."

Never make anyone a priority who makes you an afterthought.
 
Tonight she is supposed to go to a sex-type party, I guess, and already has another couple she plays with. I am alright with this, even though I have very little insight into what she actually does. I'd be very confused if she wants to interfere with Igor and I romantically.

While it is logical to think that if Baby has relationships outside of Igor, she ought to be able to handle Igor having a relationship outside of her. But it often doesn't work that way. Having outside relationships and being able to handle your partner having outside relationships are two different set of skills.
 
You say Baby is "delayed" maturity-wise. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that, but given her age, I could see her being not entirely mature even without a "delay."

It sounds like she is being disrespectful of your time with Igor. That's difficult enough, but it also sounds like Igor is allowing her to behave this way. He could choose not to answer her calls or texts when it's your time. He isn't making that choice.

As Bookbug said, Baby having outside relationships doesn't necessarily mean she's capable of handling *Igor* having another relationship. When Hubby hooked up with another woman, even though it was almost purely sexual (they were friends, but that was it), I almost lost it. I was afraid she was better than me. Afraid he would find her easier to deal with. Afraid she was more fun. Etc. Even though *I* had already gotten together with three other men (the third was that same night...that was Guy), and Hubby had no problem with it.

I've matured a lot in my ability to handle things like that, but I am still conditioned to compare myself unfavorably with others, so I'm usually thankful that Hubby has decided he doesn't want to be romantic *or* sexual with anyone else.

It may be that Baby, particularly if she's aware of her flaws, fears that Igor will like you better, so she interrupts your time to make sure he remembers she exists and so she feels she's more important to him than you are. She might not even be conscious that she's thinking that way... or that might not even be it. Just a possibility I'm bringing up based on my own experiences.
 
So much food for thought...

I will respond appropriately tonight if I can. Short answer is I stated I wasn't okay with the arrangement and Igor does -not- want to lose me. Baby is hardly returning my messages, I offered to just have a nice relaxed chat about things, but I'm still waiting.

Igor seems to be on board. I need some time to think... and observe.

I will expound upon the comments on my metamour, as it seems to be the primary problem.
 
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Here's my understanding: Baby calls/texts/does something that upsets Igor's emotional equilibrium while he is with you. Igor then shuts down emotionally around you. And you have crap time together as a result. This has been a consistent pattern for a few months.

Side notes: Why does Baby call you her girlfriend? You don't 'read' as involved with her. You are in a V with Igor as the hinge, no?

Gently, Baby isn't the problem for you. It's Igor's refusal to manage his emotions in response to her that is causing issues for you. If they were having issues, but he wasn't emotionally withdrawn and/or weird, acknowledged there were issues, and was still emotionally present with you, then you would likely be happier. He doesn't need to put on a fake happy face for you, that would be worse than withdrawn in my opinion, but he needs to figure out how to set aside his upset with Baby and be present with you when he is with you.

You need to call him on it. Tell him it is affecting you, how he and Baby figure out whatever their deal is (other posters have some likely scenarios as to what is going on), is up to them but he needs to be present with you.
 
If this were an occasional occurrence then, meh, sucks but it happens, but it sounds like this is an ongoing drama. I'd talk to Igor about it and then withdraw to the periphery for some time (weeks, months) until they sort their shit out.

As to Igor "managing" his emotions better (per opalescent) - that may be easier said than done. When something is majorly wrong between me and MrS, I am barely functional when it comes to dealing with ANYTHING else. I make my way zombie-like through work and can't interact with anyone on more than a superficial level. (When I was in counseling a few years ago and this happened, the therapist just sent me home since I clearly could not focus enough to even really comprehend anything he was asking.)

For us, however, this happens infrequently (once every 18-36 months maybe) and is generally short-lived (a day or two) - so rare, in fact, that they generally get titles after the fact ("The coffee pot incident of 1997.") Dude has witnessed one such event in the three years he has been living with us. I did not handle it well - he tried to mediate and I ended up telling him to "GET OUT" - I knew he was hurt but I literally had NO emotional energy to spare, as I was using everything I had just to keep myself intact.

Sometimes you have to weather the occasional storm, ok you hunker down and wait it out...BUT if you find yourself living on the edge of an active volcano? You might want to consider moving your hut out of harms way.
 
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