Hi everyone,
A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, and my mind/heart is spinning trying to digest it all. It’s been a fruitful, painful, exciting, sad time. This post is very long; I’m a bit self-conscious about that. For those of you who do choose to read the whole think, thank you. I do have some questions at the end, but a lot of this I’m sharing in the hopes that it might help someone else…
I had mentioned Steve and I were going away; we ended up doing an improvised DIY couples retreat. I printed out a bunch of stuff I found on the web on communication, and other relationship issues. It went well; hard as hell, and I wish I’d initiated this months ago—but at least we did it. It was loving, honest, we were both very present and committed to the process despite how hard it was. I learned a lot, about myself and him and us. Some of it surprising, some of it humbling. We had a big breakthrough about his frustration blow-ups/stonewalling behavior when he’s feeling overwhelmed (wow, time-outs REALLY work—who knew J) It was a sweet, deeply connected, heartbreaking experience. I have a lot of clarity (as does he) about where we are.
I’ll divide this post up into parts, as it’s so long.
My part in it:
First off, one of the humbling realizations: I saw my part in the date cancellation incident. Now, this happened against a background of many cancelled dates (due to scheduling mishaps on his part, his overcommitted life, and other stuff). And months-running discontent on my part with not feeling taken into account enough by him. So in a sense, I was primed for another cancellation when he first mentioned he was having discomfort around that date and wanting to change things. I went to a place of immediate anxiety and mistrust. Also, fear of abandonment and loss is a pretty big issue of mine, and while I try to not let that run the show, it does influence it.
We scheduled this talk about the date; the intention was to state needs and then compromise so we both got some of what we needed. I felt pretty hopeful going into that conversation, but also nervous & not fully trusting. He went first, and he described feelings of wanting to be a free agent at the concert, and to flirt freely, and to not feel attached to anyone in particular, and anxiety about hurting people’s feelings by accidentally doing the “wrong thing” (his wife was going to be at the concert too). He said he wanted to be free to play with the out-of-town guest.
He and I have had miscommunications in the past where he’s used the words “want” and “need” interchangeably; where he was just expressing a feeling, and I heard him stating a decision. Sometimes I get confused about this differentiation too. I’m trying to learn more. So, neither of us is super skilled with that (although he is much newer to the concepts than I).
So when I heard him stating these wants and needs, I did this thing I do, that I kind of knew I did, but am now much more conscious of. It goes like this: 1) I sense a loss, a betrayal, an abandonment. I get scared and assume the worst. I don’t want to be in the discomfort of not fully knowing the story. Not knowing exactly what’s going on when I sense a threat can be extremely difficult for me to tolerate (perhaps those with alcoholic parents can relate). I want it all just to be over and know the dreadful truth. Then I can protect myself (by withdrawing, usually).
So, 2) I “push” things a bit (again this is a largely unconscious behavior on my part—until now). I push the person into articulating precisely what it is they’re saying, telling me what they’re going to do. If they don’t articulate it, I will, and ask them if that’s what they’re saying. If the other person is pretty verbal and self aware, this isn’t a problem because they’ll just come back at me with “No, that’s not what I’m saying. Slow down and listen.”
But if the other person is not so skilled in the language of feelings, and has a harder time figuring out what’s going on inside them and what they need, they might just say “yes” because my summary seems close and sounds reasonable. And also maybe because they feel pressured.
This is what I did with Steve. When I heard him say “I want to feel like a free agent, I need to not be tied to any one person, I want to play with this person in the evening”, I immediately went to “He’s canceling on me. That’s what this all means. Put two and two together. The fact that he’s not just coming out and saying it is just him not wanting to deal.” This mental process has a feeling of “rush to the end, get this over with.” Hurt and anger propel it. So I said to him “So what I hear you saying is that you want to cancel your date with me. I mean you’re saying you want to be a free agent, and you want to play with this girl in the evening, so yes that is effectively canceling our date. Please just come out and say it and don’t beat around the bush. Right?” I was upset. And I remember him looking a little…confused?…and saying something like “yeah, I guess” in a not-totally-sure tone. Or at least that was the feeling of it.
As it turns out, that wasn’t what he was saying at all. He was describing his feelings, and truly wanted to negotiate with me around the evening. And it turns out that when we’d each been mentally planning for the conversation, we’d each had the same idea for compromise--which is that we’d keep the portion of the date that was the performance; and for the second half of the date, he’d go off and play. Which both of us felt truly okay with.
He told me at the retreat that he had felt at the time like I was putting words in his mouth, trying to get him to say a certain something that he didn’t want to say because it wasn’t right. But at the time he wasn’t quite sure, and it was a very loaded conversation, and figuring out what he needs is hard for him, so he just went along with me because it all sounded logical, I guess…
I kind of feel like I steamrolled him. Ugh, it’s like I know I have an advantage over him in this area and I kind of used it? I think I used to do that with people when I was young, not so much anymore…I don’t know…none of this was conscious. Anyway, I’m not beating myself up over it, but I’m glad to become more conscious of it.
And of course, there’s that problem that’s dogged us all along: the built-in lack of opportunity to right misperceptions. The fact that we’re not primaries, don’t live together, see each other just once or twice a week if we’re lucky, and he doesn’t like to communicate via email, means it’s difficult to correct misperceptions, follow up on discussions, etc. So misunderstanding can float along uncorrected. And we get really tired of processing when we do see each other. Of course if we were more compatible there would be less processing. But still, I do find this to be an issue particular to poly.
A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, and my mind/heart is spinning trying to digest it all. It’s been a fruitful, painful, exciting, sad time. This post is very long; I’m a bit self-conscious about that. For those of you who do choose to read the whole think, thank you. I do have some questions at the end, but a lot of this I’m sharing in the hopes that it might help someone else…
I had mentioned Steve and I were going away; we ended up doing an improvised DIY couples retreat. I printed out a bunch of stuff I found on the web on communication, and other relationship issues. It went well; hard as hell, and I wish I’d initiated this months ago—but at least we did it. It was loving, honest, we were both very present and committed to the process despite how hard it was. I learned a lot, about myself and him and us. Some of it surprising, some of it humbling. We had a big breakthrough about his frustration blow-ups/stonewalling behavior when he’s feeling overwhelmed (wow, time-outs REALLY work—who knew J) It was a sweet, deeply connected, heartbreaking experience. I have a lot of clarity (as does he) about where we are.
I’ll divide this post up into parts, as it’s so long.
My part in it:
First off, one of the humbling realizations: I saw my part in the date cancellation incident. Now, this happened against a background of many cancelled dates (due to scheduling mishaps on his part, his overcommitted life, and other stuff). And months-running discontent on my part with not feeling taken into account enough by him. So in a sense, I was primed for another cancellation when he first mentioned he was having discomfort around that date and wanting to change things. I went to a place of immediate anxiety and mistrust. Also, fear of abandonment and loss is a pretty big issue of mine, and while I try to not let that run the show, it does influence it.
We scheduled this talk about the date; the intention was to state needs and then compromise so we both got some of what we needed. I felt pretty hopeful going into that conversation, but also nervous & not fully trusting. He went first, and he described feelings of wanting to be a free agent at the concert, and to flirt freely, and to not feel attached to anyone in particular, and anxiety about hurting people’s feelings by accidentally doing the “wrong thing” (his wife was going to be at the concert too). He said he wanted to be free to play with the out-of-town guest.
He and I have had miscommunications in the past where he’s used the words “want” and “need” interchangeably; where he was just expressing a feeling, and I heard him stating a decision. Sometimes I get confused about this differentiation too. I’m trying to learn more. So, neither of us is super skilled with that (although he is much newer to the concepts than I).
So when I heard him stating these wants and needs, I did this thing I do, that I kind of knew I did, but am now much more conscious of. It goes like this: 1) I sense a loss, a betrayal, an abandonment. I get scared and assume the worst. I don’t want to be in the discomfort of not fully knowing the story. Not knowing exactly what’s going on when I sense a threat can be extremely difficult for me to tolerate (perhaps those with alcoholic parents can relate). I want it all just to be over and know the dreadful truth. Then I can protect myself (by withdrawing, usually).
So, 2) I “push” things a bit (again this is a largely unconscious behavior on my part—until now). I push the person into articulating precisely what it is they’re saying, telling me what they’re going to do. If they don’t articulate it, I will, and ask them if that’s what they’re saying. If the other person is pretty verbal and self aware, this isn’t a problem because they’ll just come back at me with “No, that’s not what I’m saying. Slow down and listen.”
But if the other person is not so skilled in the language of feelings, and has a harder time figuring out what’s going on inside them and what they need, they might just say “yes” because my summary seems close and sounds reasonable. And also maybe because they feel pressured.
This is what I did with Steve. When I heard him say “I want to feel like a free agent, I need to not be tied to any one person, I want to play with this person in the evening”, I immediately went to “He’s canceling on me. That’s what this all means. Put two and two together. The fact that he’s not just coming out and saying it is just him not wanting to deal.” This mental process has a feeling of “rush to the end, get this over with.” Hurt and anger propel it. So I said to him “So what I hear you saying is that you want to cancel your date with me. I mean you’re saying you want to be a free agent, and you want to play with this girl in the evening, so yes that is effectively canceling our date. Please just come out and say it and don’t beat around the bush. Right?” I was upset. And I remember him looking a little…confused?…and saying something like “yeah, I guess” in a not-totally-sure tone. Or at least that was the feeling of it.
As it turns out, that wasn’t what he was saying at all. He was describing his feelings, and truly wanted to negotiate with me around the evening. And it turns out that when we’d each been mentally planning for the conversation, we’d each had the same idea for compromise--which is that we’d keep the portion of the date that was the performance; and for the second half of the date, he’d go off and play. Which both of us felt truly okay with.
He told me at the retreat that he had felt at the time like I was putting words in his mouth, trying to get him to say a certain something that he didn’t want to say because it wasn’t right. But at the time he wasn’t quite sure, and it was a very loaded conversation, and figuring out what he needs is hard for him, so he just went along with me because it all sounded logical, I guess…
I kind of feel like I steamrolled him. Ugh, it’s like I know I have an advantage over him in this area and I kind of used it? I think I used to do that with people when I was young, not so much anymore…I don’t know…none of this was conscious. Anyway, I’m not beating myself up over it, but I’m glad to become more conscious of it.
And of course, there’s that problem that’s dogged us all along: the built-in lack of opportunity to right misperceptions. The fact that we’re not primaries, don’t live together, see each other just once or twice a week if we’re lucky, and he doesn’t like to communicate via email, means it’s difficult to correct misperceptions, follow up on discussions, etc. So misunderstanding can float along uncorrected. And we get really tired of processing when we do see each other. Of course if we were more compatible there would be less processing. But still, I do find this to be an issue particular to poly.