Banging my head against a wall. Chime in?

DsmEvolution

New member
A little back history. In a relationship of now almost 14 years (Same sex male couple), my alpha. To my side, I have what can only be described as a beta. Wasn't intentional, but we both enjoy it. My Alpha knows about him and he calls him my boyfriend and they're even pretty friendly with each other, get along well, and there's no jealousy issues. It's really quite nice. My beta, we'll call him Louis. Louis is 25 years old, highly intelligent and mature, but he's also Aspberger's Spectrum Autistic. This doesn't bother me at all and i've even had many talks with him about how I feel about it and what it means to us.

The biggest problem we have is that he doesn't understand the things that I do that are motivated by emotion. We have to have marathon talks about these things where I have to describe for him the why of what I do. I also have to explain these things in the most logical terms possible. To others, our conversations during these times could almost look cold and callous, but it's the only way for me to get through to him.

None of these conversations ever upset either of us, we just seem them as necessary and we're both much more comfortable and happy at the end of them.

He did tell me something tonight that is very out of character for him to actually voice as what he feels, rather he shows me how he feels. He did tell me that he thinks about me daily and that made me feel great.

The second problem that we have is his girlfriend (They're a poly couple like us). She proclaims all the time that she is fine with both of them being poly and she's good with me. I also hang out with her as well and we're friendly. Only problem is, if he at all shows any affection to me while she is in the room, she automatically spirals down and takes it as an offense to her. So i've taken the road of no contact with him when she's around, but I can see that it hurts him.

I don't know if i'm looking for advice or just needing to vent. Most likely vent, but banging my head against a wall seems like a good option right now!

Oh well, on to my next engima!
 
In typical poly parlance, you have a primary partner, and a secondary.

Having just gotten out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with a guy with Asperger's, you have my sympathies. Also, my dad has Asperger's. It's a lot of work, but it can be worth it. Good luck with those conversations.

PDAs in front of a metamour can be tricky. It doesn't bother some, but it does bother others. It's the responsibility of your (secondary) partner, as the hinge of the V, to look out for the comfort of both you and his gf. You 3 could have a conversation about PDAs and figure out the best course of action, so you are all on the same page. It's best to clear the air and not make assumptions.
 
Not being able to show PDA can be hard. If she's that uncomfortable, you may have to resort to just spending time alone with him, without her. Whether or not you're touching probably doesn't matter. Seeing the two of you interact at all may be painful.

Unfortunately, that solution definitely damaged the relationship between my partner and metamour, since he couldn't have me around her. He would have to take time away from her every time.
 
I can imagine that these conversations with your boyfriend must be pretty exhausting at times. I once had a colleague with Asperger's and it was quite frustrating, but also rewarding - you tend to learn quite a bit about your own feelings and motivations when you have to spell them out for someone who can't relate. Glad to know you're comfortable doing it, I'm sure your boyfriend appreciates the effort.

My question about the PDA thing would be if you're really content with not having any contact with him when she's around? If the answer is yes, I would reassure your boyfriend, maybe he's hurt because he thinks you're unhappy with the situation. If you're friendly with his girlfriend, I'd also say that the three of you should have a nice chat to clarify things and find a solution together.
 
I'll reply from the POV of someone who's had issues with PDA. It may help if Louis talked with his GF and figured out what's problematic versus what's not.

In my case, I don't like feeling like a third wheel. I don't mind "family-friendly" PDAs, but if I'm feeling like I ought to leave the room (we don't live together), then I have a problem. I'm also neurotic about the "they're all looking at me" thing if Chops is trying to hold both our hands in public, or something like that.

For the latter, I know it's my problem, so I just separate myself. It feels better than the "all eyes are on me" feeling.

For the former, we've all talked about it, and we try not to act in a way that excludes anyone.

I'm not sure if that helps your particular situation, but Louis should talk about it with her and see where the issues lie... then maybe they can start working on them. PDA=bad doesn't get down to enough granularity to fix it, unless "no PDA" is okay with you.
 
My husband has Aspergers and I recognise your description of having to explain wants and emotions to him. I think it's something that you just get used to and it gets easier over time. It took my husband a long time to understand that the two women in his life have different needs and we react differently to things. At first his other partner found it very difficult to see him being close or affectionate towards me but gradually over several years she has adapted to it. She loves him very much but I don't think their relationship would have lasted this long if we hadn't become friends because he can seem thoughtless at times, but together we have manage to work things out and overcome the problems.
 
My husband has Aspergers and I recognise your description of having to explain wants and emotions to him. I think it's something that you just get used to and it gets easier over time. It took my husband a long time to understand that the two women in his life have different needs and we react differently to things. At first his other partner found it very difficult to see him being close or affectionate towards me but gradually over several years she has adapted to it. She loves him very much but I don't think their relationship would have lasted this long if we hadn't become friends because he can seem thoughtless at times, but together we have manage to work things out and overcome the problems.

It's nice to know that there are others who know what it's like being with someone who is Autistic. It can be trying at times. One of the main issues we've had is that I can sometimes go a while without hearing from him. I fully understand why as his logic tells him that he doesn't need to make contact unless he has enough new topics to discuss that can fill a conversation.

I messaged him the night I posted this to talk to him and see how he was doing and he couldn't understand that. We spent an hour discussing why my emotions would drive me to contact him and see how he is. Explaining emotions without using emotions is VERY difficult, but he's starting to understand my motivations now.

His primary on the other hand, I think she lacks any understanding of his condition and she just puts him through the wringer sometimes. It hurts me to see him get upset over these things.
 
Actually my exbf was/is quite emotional. I have read that Aspies can and do have emotions, it's just that they have a really hard time understanding why anyone else would have an emotion in a certain situation that doesn't match their emotion. This can make them seem very selfish, self-centered, unsympathetic.

My ex and I would chat online every morning for a good 30-45 minutes, and then on and off throughout the day, if we weren't going to actually be together. He liked feeling connected. He is all about "connection." Unlike many people on the spectrum, he also loved eye contact. So, not as Aspie as some, but still enough to make communication around certain things highly problematic. He seems much more detached than a neurotypical. He doesn't have a jealous bone in his body and doesn't understand jealousy at all, for example.
 
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