Redpepper's journey

So, other stuff going on:

I wrote on here long ago about a friend of mine that I helped through a big break-up. He became close to me and I to him as a result. We have remained friends for years now and he recently got married to a woman he adores and respects. He no longer identifies as poly as with her; his needs are met. I respect him and his choices and am very happy for him. I have found in the last few years that his story is common to many people I have known over the years. It warms my heart that people have gone from hectic lives in poly to quiet and happily simple lives in monogamy, yet have a different and fresh take on relationships as a result. Yay poly philosophy. It really can transfer and create happier mono-styled relationships.

I digress.

This friend of mine was also friends with Mono and still is. Recently I regained my strength enough to host a monthly pub event to watch the UFC fights (guilty pleasure). I used to go with Mono and his military friends, but after we broke up they all began watching the fights at one of the guy's houses. I was disappointed that after my years of hosting, only a handful expressed any concern for me and my wellbeing. More didn't respond to my texts and some even unfriended me from their FB accounts. Shameful how men stick together in the face of one of their buddies disrespecting their woman. I was sickened.

My friend, at the time, decided to also go with the guys to the fights at one of their houses, but has remained a close friend of mine. He has been supportive in terms of helping me understand how to do things around the house I now own, helping me with my motorbike and listening to me try and figure out my heart and head, etc. I have been grateful for him, but have seen that my asking for help has been wearing thin, as he now has a wife and wants to spend all his time with her.

This past week, when I asked if he wanted to go to the fights with me and some new friends, he said no. He said that Mono had never done anything to him and that he was going to go where his buddy went.

I was very hurt and triggered. If I had been raped, or beaten up and abused in any other way, would the men I once loved and cherished respond in this way? Does a woman always have to expect that the men in their lives will condone other men's behaviour by ditching women who have been traumatized and used? I believe that it's time men took a stand on cheating, just as they should with other forms of abusing their power. I feel strongly that the culture of rape, cheating, physical, emotional and mental abuse has to stop. I honestly have not seen it change with the times. If anything, with online websites that promote deviant behaviours and other forms of behaviour stripped of ethical principles and values, things are getting worse before they get better.

Part of me thinks, "Fair enough. He is friends with him and why shouldn't he be? Maybe I just need a little break and then I can face that with grace." The other part of me thinks, "What do you mean he didn't do anything to you! He traumatized and abused the woman who you have been calling your best friend for years! How can you possibly think that it is okay to even be seen with him?"

I ended up saying, before we said good bye, "I think you need to find better friends. There are a lot of decent men out there who don't treat women the way he does. You would be doing yourself a favour to find them." We parted. I wonder if he will ever call me again.
 
Last edited:
I have been processing the men I now have in my life. I have drawn some men in that are similarly needy and cowardly, as Mono was. They don't face the truth about their lives and continue to believe that they are in a position where they should benefit from the privileges they have been given, simply because they were born as men. They have privileges they don't deserve and have not worked towards. Frankly, I'm often stunned and appalled that they think I would ever put myself in a position to allow them into my life. Who do they think they are, that I would jeopardize my hard-earned and awarded freedom because of the bullshit flirting and fake attention they want to give me?

I find myself entirely done with anyone that doesn't show up and earn a place in my life. If they have nothing to offer but half-ass, seen-it-all-before wishes of getting close to me by pulling me into their web of entangled bullshit about themselves, I won't even respond any more. I need proof of respect, helpful solutions to my new-found practical dilemmas (this house ownership is baffling sometimes), interesting and stimulating conversation about what I want to talk about sometimes, rather than droning on and on about their lives and interests, and most of all patience, as I process my new-found life and situation.

I honestly feel a sense of sympathy for them. I really am worried about the entitlement that some men have when it comes to relationships with women. Women can survive without men quite nicely, thank you very much, but men seem to wither away and don't understand that they need to get their act together and GIVE in ways that they just don't seem to get when it comes to women.

Of course, this is all based on my own observation and opinion where I sit at this moment in my life. Other people are going to disagree and have a different perspective and that is fine. I actually would welcome some other point of view, because in my loneliness, I wonder if I will ever find that I am totally satisfied with any partner ever again, due to my eye-opening experiences that have left my heart wearily open, but cautious and doubtful.

I am hopeful. I have one man I am keeping my eye on who is close to me. So far, I see none of the traits mentioned above. I think there might be men still out there with something I cannot live without. They're just hidden from my jaded point of view right now.
 
Last edited:
I hope things work out with that one guy. Sorry the others haven't been supportive.
 
I haven't been able to write for some time here because, frankly, I am just tired. I come home to my empty house and sleep every day after work and still wake up tired after my naps. I wake up in the morning tired and go to bed tired. Still I carry on and fight it every day. I am hoping that the spring sun and the warm air that is coming, bringing with it blossoms of pink and flowers of yellow will also shine some light on my heart and soul. It is coming slowly. The leaves unfold with new life.

I have gone to the island to visit my parents twice since last spring. Not enough. I can't seem to find joy in going there, as it is steeped with memories and haunts that are unpleasant and confusing.

Last weekend I went with my boy, LB, and my closest and best friend, my ex-wife. We are closer than ever now that we have deception from someone we love as a common understanding. My co-workers and friends wonder if we will be lovers again, but honestly, friendship/family is stronger than romance in the end, it seems, and we stick to our boundaries. Besides, I have often thought that romance turns into a friendship of sorts, that is long lasting and just as loving. It seems that, for me, sometimes the love and connection is just as strong, just not sexual.

The island was like a dream. I walked around in a daze of memories and had strong dreams at night there that reminded me of the past times of going there with Mono and how we created a feeling of always being together, just the two of us. At least, I created that feeling. It was one sided.

Probably the hardest was walking through a park we spent time in. The grass was beginning to grow, the leaves returning, the flowers blooming and the bees buzzing. Such a happy little eco-system of loveliness and sadness. Mono and I spent our last moments together there last spring, walking in silence, nothing left to say, yet having so much to say. If only I'd understood what it was that consumed him and caused the chaos that I could see in his face when he held my hand in those last moments.

Every day, still, there are moments, hours, of pain and confusion. I still find it hard to believe that someone who had become my right arm in life has deceived me and consequently been ripped from my life. It makes me soften sometimes and I wonder what it is that I feel the need to yearn for. When I ask myself what it is I want, I honestly don't know...

I want it all back without the deception and lies. I want the feeling of loving so hard that I am willing to turn over my soul and heart to someone in complete trust. I will never have that again. I want to be woken from the nightmare I live daily still, and for Mono to tell me that the actual lie is that he is what I thought he was and that all the words he said about loving me and focusing on us and what we could build together were the actual truth. They aren't and I will never hear that...

It's confusing. I am confused as to how and why someone would do that to me, or anyone. What is it that draws such evilness out of someone, so that it becomes their life? Why didn't he fight it? Why didn't he see that it was all wrong? Why does he have no feeling AT ALL except for his own preservation and maintenance?

It's a game he plays whereby he has to figure it out in order to self-preserve in a world he just doesn't seem to understand in any other way than to become a master of disguise within it. How lonely and sad. Really, my heart goes out to anyone that is like him. I intend to stay well away, but I find it really unbearable to empathize with. I can move on. But how can he move on from what he created, other than to lie and deceive again?
 
Last edited:
My ex-wife has bought a house down the street from me. She moves in soon with her gf and is all a-buzz with happiness and excitement. It's been a long journey for her to achieve this goal. I am so happy for her.

I am concerned, however, that our strong bond and connection will be a barrier to me getting to know her elusive gf of 18 months. We have only met once, but my ex talks of her often and I feel as if I have an understanding of who she is. I think it may be a hard transition for all of us and this leaves me expectant of what the results might be. I am breathing through it and intend to do so as they adjust to being together every day, after only seeing each other once a week. I am keenly aware that I have to find ways to adjust, also, and possibly fill my time in other ways.

Thankfully, gardening season is coming and I will have a lot to do. I am taking my traffic course for motorbike riding and have a lot to learn on my bike, or possibly on a new bike. I have trips planned and a full summer of festivals and fun lined up. There has never been a dull moment in my life, and that continues, regardless of anything else going on. Now I see my full life as a necessity and a positive that I bring to others.

There is really no one I know that can top the pace I keep. Anyone who wants to be with me has to keep up. I have found no one yet, so I go my own way and people tag along. ;)
 
Last edited:
My boy has turned into a man, complete with moustache, stinky towels on the bathroom floor and a deep voice that bellows through the house. He is protective of me. I feel my age now as I grow shorter and older before his eyes. I have to wear reading glasses to help him with his homework!

The other night he had an email from Mono that left me worried.

I had dropped off the last reminder of Mono in my life in the form of a box that was becoming a thing of shame for me. (I was feeling ashamed that I couldn't conjure up any more courage than I already had to deal with it somehow.) It had lived under my table for months. I was holding onto it out of fear of having to somehow get it to him. I could've thrown it out, but it was filled with memories of his, and personal items. Even though he had done me wrong, I didn't feel it would be right to get rid of things I know he valued.

I was having anxiety and re-traumatizing myself by thinking about whom I could ask to take it to him. So, one night, I went and put it in his truck. (He'd left his spare key behind.) I think he had forgotten he'd told me the area he and his new gf live in, because he sent a text saying he found it a bit disconcerting that I'd done that and wondered how I knew where his truck was.

It wasn't difficult to connect the dots and find his truck, and when I did, it took less than 10 seconds to open the door, put the box in, lock the door and throw the key inside. I drove away, the weight lifted, feeling courageous and free. It was never about what he wanted to see happen to it, and everything to do with what made me feel most comfortable. I was satisfied that I had done the right thing for myself, and ended it there.

Unfortunately, I'd poked the dragon. He seems to have taken it as a sign that it's okay to reach out, when it isn't. This is my way of reaching out to say it isn't. My boy was angry and concerned and felt the need to find a way to protect me. He is worried that Mono is going to hurt me more. He has seen me at my most fragile and never wants to see me that way again. Now that he is growing older, he is beginning to show signs that he wants to look after me, and while I appreciate that about him, I am glad he talked to me about it, because I don't want him to think he has to do that. He is my child. He needs to feel that I am in control of my life and his until he is fully grown and not a minor anymore.

We talked about it and I think he sees that I am fine and that he doesn't have to do anything about our situation. I will handle it.

We had a family discussion. All emails are to be forwarded to me. Any correspondence to other family members I have asked to be informed about. I have asked that under no circumstances are any family members to pass on information about our lives. I again feel safe enough.

I am now waiting for the trauma to pass. I am working hard in therapy to create something positive out of the last years that have left a scar on the course of my life.
 
Last edited:
I have had someone in my life now for 6 months. I have been cautious about talking about this man, but I feel prepared to share more about him now. He has been single for over ten years. He has kept himself busy working (driving truck) and attempting to get time with his son. He has fought with the boy's mother since the time she found out she was pregnant and announced she didn't love him, need him or want him in HER child's life. This situation has led to his own amount of damage and struggle in life, a complete lack of trust of women and just about anyone else that isn't family.

He comes from a large Chinese-Canadian family. They have been very welcoming to me and my son. They are happy to see my bf has found someone who is willing to stand by him, regardless of his mistrust, and fight for the values that show I am real and willing to put effort into something solid. I am welcoming them into my life. New connections are building with some of his siblings and his mother. I've become especially attached to his boy. :)

What do we have in common? Family is most important. He is becoming my family and I his. Our kids are most important. His boy is a year younger than mine, almost to the day. Integrity and honesty are most important; if we do something that we find hard to tell each other, then chances are we shouldn't be doing it. He has had no history of cheating, affairs, one-night stands, involving himself in anything that is untoward or frowned upon by anyone. He is a straight-up good guy with, from what I can tell, a flawless past based on hard work and family values. I admire this and have been enjoying sinking into a form of love I have never thought would be attractive before, one that I feel I can trust and rely on into the future. No more bad guys with their fucked-up lives. I am all over a new perspective of this good guy getting the best I have to offer.

So, poly? Well... that's an issue, as you can imagine, with this new man in my life. He shudders at the thought of it. But as I am, and always will be unable to love only one, I am finding it hard to convince him that he has no need to fear. I will be faithful and focused completely on building a life that involves only him romantically. I have no need or desire to add lovers to my life while I am with him, but it is highly important that he understand that I will not be willing to change who I am. I continue to meet friends, make new ones and build close and connected relationships with everyone around me, just as I always have, without the added pressure and frankly, burden, of the friendships going anywhere that I don't want it to go. I am active and social in my local poly community still, and don't intend to change that. I need to be where my people are, and my people, whether I am dating them or not, are most often poly people. I continue to run the women's group I have run for 7 years now, a thriving and growing group of poly women. I continue to attend events around town.

As usual, nothing is set in stone. Life changes and grows, as do I. I am finding that being loved by someone is healing and nurturing and that not being on the relationship escalator is suiting both of us. Remaining true to myself, while offering reassurance and being my giving and loving self is creating a wonderful new relationship and paving a new path. Lots more to come on this journey.
 
Last edited:
Glad to hear about the new guy, he sounds like a good egg.
 
I'm always wary of people who experience a bad personal interaction and then struggle to not see everyone else superficially similar as a threat. Example: bad experience with ethnicity/gender/orientation causes suspicion of all others of that ethnicity/gender/orientation as individuals. It lends to the possibility that they always saw that ethnicity/gender/orientation as the enemy to begin with and their personal bad experience just gave their prejudice validity.
 
I'm always wary of people who experience a bad personal interaction and then struggle to not see everyone else superficially similar as a threat. Example: bad experience with ethnicity/gender/orientation causes suspicion of all others of that ethnicity/gender/orientation as individuals. It lends to the possibility that they always saw that ethnicity/gender/orientation as the enemy to begin with and their personal bad experience just gave their prejudice validity.
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here.... could you elaborate please? thanks. ☺
 
Sure. You said his experiences have left him with "a complete lack of trust for women" rather than, say, a wariness of relationships, a lack of faith in his judgment, or even simply trust issues. I get being relationship-shy, but to specify a gender for why one is wary suggests a group of people has become one entity and all have the same negative attributes. It also absolves him of responsibility in the breaking down of a relationship. It wasn't him at all-- it was the woman.

When we decide to "other" a person, to not see them as an individual, but rather an ethnicity, gender, or orientation, something happens to us. We stop being able to see the contradictions to this new opinion and only feel comfortable around the people who will end up supporting our belief. It's a set-up.

And look at this guy-- he doesn't trust women, so he gets involved with one that has values he can later look to as excuses for not trusting her. I'm not saying you are untrustworthy. I'm saying to a mono-minded person with little exposure to poly, you are a wild card of potential heartache and drama. He has every reason to feel confirmed in the suspicion that you will prove him right, at some point.

It's nice that you want to assure him you're not like all those other women, but all those other women being alike is an illusion to begin with. I've watched (and made the mistake myself) a lot of time get wasted trying to convince someone you're not like all the others, only to later realize you forgot that you deserved someone proving a thing or two to your heart. But you made all these excuses for them and their wounds, rather than whether or not they were who you should be with. Don't forget self love, the assurances you need and what else there is to bond over, other than that you've both been betrayed.
 
When we decide to other a person, to not see them as an individual but rather an ethnicity, gender, or orientation something happens to us. We stop being able to see the contradictions to this new opinion and only feel comfortable around the people who will end up supporting our belief.

I had a brief email exchange recently with a woman who, upon realizing I was bi-sexual/bi-amorous, immediately told me that she'd just had terrible, awful break-up with a former boyfriend who was bi. I explained that it felt as if she were lumping all of us bi-folk into one single lump: "bi-men are crap," because of her experience with this bi-man. (Side note. I think "bi" should always be followed by a hyphen, to indicate that not all bi-sexuals are also bi-amorous, and vice versa. But that's another story.) She said she wasn't really wanting to lump us all together, but my assurances were of no use, as she immediately stopped communicating with me. (We "met" on OkCupid.)

The thing to do in such cases is bring up eye and hair color, which I actually did. I said to her that I have had two terrible break-ups with a rude and insensitive man and woman who were brunettes. :D I think she may not have gotten my point.
 
Sure. You said his experiences have left him with "a complete lack of trust for women" rather than say.....wariness of relationships, lack of faith in one's judgment, or even simply trust issues. I get being relationship shy but to specify a gender for why one is wary suggests a group of people become one entity and all have a negative attribute. It also absolves him of responsibility in the breaking down of a relationship. It wasn't him at all; it was the woman.

When we decide to other a person, to not see them as an individual but rather an ethnicity, gender, or orientation something happens to us. We stop being able to see the contradictions to this new opinion and only feel comfortable around the people who will end up supporting our belief. Its a set up. And look at this guy - he doesn't trust women so he gets involved with one that has values he can later look to as excuses for not trusting her. I'm not saying you are untrustworthy. I'm saying to a mono minded person with little exposure to poly, you are a wild card of potential heartache and drama. He has every reason to feel comforted in the suspicion you will prove him right at some point.

Its nice that you want to assure him you're not like all those other women, but that all those other women are alike is an illusion to begin with. I've watched (and made the mistake myself) a lot of time get wasted trying to convince someone you're not like all the others only to later realize you forgot that you deserved someone proving a thing or two to your heart but you made all these excuses for them and their wounds rather than whether or not they are who you should be with. Don't forget self love, the assurances you need and what else there is to bond over than that you've both been betrayed.
I really like your point here. I understand more clearly now. Thank you.

I asked him about this, and he said he believed at one point that all women would do him wrong. It was almost a reactionary thing. His sister says he had a chip on his shoulder and he agrees. He had an accident earlier this year that left him rethinking his beliefs and came to the conclusion that he would be alone forever if he didn't decide to trust again. Trust anyone, really. And so began his process and journey back to trust and believing that everyone is going to bring different things to his relationships.

My role, so far, has been to be a soft place to start. It's a soft place for both of us. He pushes and challenges me, but I hand it right back to him. I am not interested in proving him wrong or right, nor am I going to accept his anger as anything other than directed at someone else. I continue to do what I want to do and when he expresses his fear in various ways, I challenge him to look at it. He has a hard time understanding, but unlike relationships I have had in the past, I decide how much I am willing to explain and take on. I have shut down a few conversations that could've ended in his frustration and circular arguing.

I am likely limited in this relationship, but I don't care. It serves me right now, and until it doesn't anymore, I intend to be present, kind, caring and offer him all I have to offer, while holding my cards close to my chest.

Hopefully both of us will continue to find gentle loving in each other until such time as we have healed and are ready to move on with renewed strength. Maybe that will be in a short time from now, maybe not.
 
Last edited:
Sure. You said his experiences have left him with "a complete lack of trust for women" rather than say.....wariness of relationships, lack of faith in one's judgment, or even simply trust issues. I get being relationship shy but to specify a gender for why one is wary suggests a group of people become one entity and all have a negative attribute. It also absolves him of responsibility in the breaking down of a relationship. It wasn't him at all; it was the woman.

When we decide to other a person, to not see them as an individual but rather an ethnicity, gender, or orientation something happens to us. We stop being able to see the contradictions to this new opinion and only feel comfortable around the people who will end up supporting our belief. Its a set up. And look at this guy - he doesn't trust women so he gets involved with one that has values he can later look to as excuses for not trusting her. I'm not saying you are untrustworthy. I'm saying to a mono minded person with little exposure to poly, you are a wild card of potential heartache and drama. He has every reason to feel comforted in the suspicion you will prove him right at some point.

Its nice that you want to assure him you're not like all those other women, but that all those other women are alike is an illusion to begin with. I've watched (and made the mistake myself) a lot of time get wasted trying to convince someone you're not like all the others only to later realize you forgot that you deserved someone proving a thing or two to your heart but you made all these excuses for them and their wounds rather than whether or not they are who you should be with. Don't forget self love, the assurances you need and what else there is to bond over than that you've both been betrayed.
Double post.
 
LB finds out about his dad, PN's transition to female today. I'm really having a hard time coping. My coping skills are nil these days. Too much change.
 
I would think that this stuff drains all the energy out of you - you try to do your best but it just keeps on coming, without a break. Very hard to deal with, and to do so (for me, at least) a good support structure is really helpful.
 
It's been over a year since I kicked Mono out of my life, folks. Soon it will be a year that PN left and then a year since she started her journey to womanhood. It's almost been a year since I've been in my own house, in my own world that revolves around me, a year of facing my demons alone.

I haven't had a lot of poly to talk about, just poly-survival stuff, namely: when people have told me to deal with my jealousy, to look at my self esteem, to look at where my control issues are, it has all been bullshit, because they, and I, were fed the rhetoric Kool-Aid that comes along with poly and how to live the lifestyle.

There is nothing wrong with being jealous. Listen to what's behind it. Maybe it's time to leave because the relationship is dying. There is nothing wrong with having self-esteem issues; maybe it's been too much of a push and one that takes you away from who you really are, who you love yourself to be. There is nothing wrong with wanting control; wanting and needing control indicates to me that someone else has control and that they are calling the shots. Needing control can also mean that someone is inflicting something on you that isn't working for you.

Really, I am no different than anyone else who has had poly caught in their throat, was trying to force it in, and is just done with the whole situation and doesn't know what to do. I should have left, walked away, RUN! There is nothing wrong with me; there never was. The shit was hitting the fan and I should have ended all of it long before I did. I would have ended it sooner if I'd known about Mono's immense amount of cheating.

Yes, I am still very hurt and angry. I doubt very much that will end any time soon. I was never cut out to be polyamorous in action, only in heart. I am too emotional and empathetic to deal with it. My skin is not as thick. I love more deeply than most. That caused major damage and was fodder for the abuse I received.

Anyone whom I chose to love should be grateful for that love. They should feel honoured, especially as I will likely never love that way again. That pure love I felt for others is gone. I feel it for no one now. I have lost what made me special. I am now humdrum and a walking shell of what I once was. There is no reason to love me or expect love in return, because I don't exist anymore, at least not where I am willing to show it.

I am unable to consider that people have my best interest at heart when they make decisions. Really, everyone is out for themselves. When I found myself in a situation where I was doing well in poly for many, many years, there was always the consideration that things could change. Rather than getting out when I could, when I was less invested, I decided to invest more, call people I loved "family," trust more deeply, have more faith. This was so wrong. It was a time to retreat and look after myself, and keep them at arm's length.

I spoke here about how well poly works and how it can benefit you with a deepening trust and responsibility to one another, creating deeper commitment. But there was less commitment, and in Mono's case, none. It was an illusion-- an illusion built on bullshit and lies.

The balance of poly-family life is very precarious. There are false illusions of stability. Nothing is stable. Nothing can be, because it's all changing. If you can't go with the change and if people don't speak to that change WHEN it happens, you have NOTHING, absolutely NO foundation.

Poly must allow for change; poly must allow for expansion; poly must allow for honesty to oneself and others. Poly must never be the centre of my world again. I am the centre of my world! Investing everything into my poly relationships was foolish and naive. It was not safe. I was not responsible for myself. Poly is not what should be invested in, just to say you're poly. Relationships, as they are, should be what is invested in.

There is no formula, no book, no mantra to yell. There is only one person and another, in relationship. Anyone outside of that is another one person and relationship. That is it. That is all I learned. Poly is as big an illusion as life itself.
 
Last edited:
I suppose we do get caught up in the idea that if we adhere to certain well-known poly "rules" or principles, all will be well. Your experience has shown that such is not the case. You can be doing everything "right" and still lose it all.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. :(
 
Damn cheaters.
 
Back
Top