Its amazing how life work's in baby steps.
I've gone from not being able to walk up steps, to walking 5 miles easily in 3 years.
I've gone from not knowing a thing about business, too helping launch 5 buildings in my current job in less then 2.
I've made many new friends and slowly developed into a young woman.
Yet it also works in giant leaps.
I'm not going to list those, as they are mostly negative and personal.
Tonight I'm struggling, but at least I'm learning a little more every night. I've learned not to lay in bed and wallow when I'm feeling down. I just made myself get up and go out for a walk. I reassured myself with good thoughts and tried to not allow myself to give into "disaster thinking." I assume so many things mean "the end of the world" that I send myself into a tail spin.
I'm feeling down, but I don't feel out and weepy anymore and I'm happy about that.
Sent L a few texts. Nothing really came of it. For the most part, radio silence. I know he's really perturbed by his health issue, so I'm learning not to be so narcissistic and give him the space he needs. This isn't all about me. Yes, I probably deserve better or more time (or maybe not?), but still, I'm learning I can't control things and becoming clingy or worrisome because that does nothing but cause me more pain and drive people away from me. So, instead of worrying about how I can't see him or drawing some conclusion, I've been asking myself what I need. Most of the time, it's surprisingly simple.
I took another big step today. I actually took time to write down some goals. They are broad at the moment, but they are down on paper and I'm going to take some time to really dissect and break them down into manageable steps. It made me feel a lot better about life in general because I'm starting to see how much I can do in one day or over time to get where I want to be. It gives me something to grasp when I'm other wise flailing.
Dock and I went to look at places to stay in the area if we decide to aggressively pursue a permanent transfer. We made a lot of progress and then stopped for lunch. He's going through family drama and I listened to him. Amazing how the people who are supposed to be closest to you can hurt you the most. I told him some of mine. We both agreed we are both struggling to learn how to cut drama out of our lives without being caught up in guilt and over thinking.
C can't wait for me to come back. I can't wait to see her.
I reached out and scheduled a play date with my ex's current girl friend. She and I want to take the kids out together and just have mommy time with both of them. I'm really looking forward to that. Despite the strangeness of it all, I feel no hostility toward her. In fact, we are becoming quite close as she is struggling with a lot of things I have, works practically the same job, and is helping raise my son. I also love her son, who's full of life and intelligent. I can't wait to play games with the kids and just let go.
L just texted good night. Right back at him.
I scheduled a time to go out to the local S/M club in the future. I've gone before and had a terrific time. Just hearing the BDSM lingo was comforting enough. I could be myself with other people and not worry about it.
Oh and a brand new PS4 awaits me when I visit home this weekend.
Yes.