Out of the ashes

I also have read a woman in your own right, when going through divorce and struggling with codependency. Keep up the good work and great that you're having fun and being kind to yourself :)
 
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Its been amazing at the job site. I'm learning to run multiple departments at work - and that I still have a lot to learn about management and keeping a cool head. Still, what I have done is remarkable and I'm giving myself immense credit for it. I've formed partnerships with a lot of people who traveled to the site with me. One of them has become pretty close to me. I'm going to call him Dock. Simply, he helps me run the shipping department. :D

I haven't been able to work with the bots since I've been moved to a different part of the building. I got a lot more work dumped on me then I expected. Still, I got to meet even more people!

I'm continuing to work on better self care. Even little things, like letting myself use the restroom when I'm buried in work has gotten much better. I noticed that stress doesn't get to me nearly as much, though I had a pretty bad slip up yesterday.

I'm not talking to L as much. It's not that I'm actively trying to avoid him, but as I said in a previous post. I'm not pouring in nearly as much effort if it isn't reciprocated. I'm stilling doing my BDSM agreement duties, but for the most part, a simple text or two or an email here and there. He's been a bit more talkative on certain days, others, one text or two. It's strange. I think we're both coping with the distance. We both don't want to be on each other when we are both dealing with issues that are temporarily keeping us apart. The messages that have gone through are very loving on both sides though, so its definitely nothing to complain about.

Dock and I headed to NYC for the day on Saturday and had a GREAT time. Then we went hot tubbing yesterday. C called me last night and we had a great chat and are making plans to go hiking when I get back.

They are teaching me a brand new system at work. VERY excited about that.

Going to focus on changes I want to make to my personal life and setting a few more goals. I mean I'm really going to take the time and write them out, in detail and see what I really want. This active life style is doing me wonders. I feel hope seeping back into me and my depression has really faded.

It's going to be tough going home. But on the other hand, I'm coming back a far better version of myself.
 
How is it that you can feel on top of the world for days at a time and then suddenly get hit with paralyzing depression? My emotions were crazy today. A few triggers set them off, but to feel the amount of despair I felt was unsettling.


It makes it hard to trust my own instincts when stuff like this happens.
 
Brain chemicals can be delicately balanced things and you have had plenty going on to knock them off. Don't forget good stress, like having exciting new work and making new friends, and bad stress both add up to more stress.

Leetah
 
Brain chemicals can be delicately balanced things and you have had plenty going on to knock them off. Don't forget good stress, like having exciting new work and making new friends, and bad stress both add up to more stress.

Leetah

Thanks Leetah! I'll keep that in mind.

--

Interesting development with L. He's going to come out to his parents/family about his poly ways. I don't know why the sudden change. I think it has to do with his health issue. He hasn't been to work for over a month (he's got paid leave ATM).

I was going to ask why, but decided against it. I really don't want to know at the moment because I already have enough on my plate.

For the record, I am out with my family and friends. They know I'm poly or should I say, I share my partner. My friends fully know the entire situation. Heck, even some co-workers do. (Those co-workers have known me for years though and they are very secretive). I generally get met with curiosity and the occasional "how can you stand him with another woman?!" questions, but for the most part, acceptance.

Still, really curious about this twist of events.
 
I'm feeling very discouraged today. Very.

I just don't see anything working out. I feel despair about everything, not just my career, but my relationship with L, everything..

It's just been so hard, dealing with the dizzying highs and the crushing lows. I've eliminated a lot of drama in my life, but a lot of it still remains and honestly? I don't trust my own judgement on a lot of calls I need to make.

I've been crying a lot more than I've wanted too for the past 48 hours.

L has been...acting weird. I sent him a small email, saying politely if there was anything wrong. I used "I" statements and tried not to sound accusatory in anything. Just, hey what's up? I noticed changes in X, Y, Z...

and I was on top of the world a few days ago.

It's time like this I feel so weak. And it's times like this I wonder if I'll ever have any better people in my life or if I will get better myself.

This has been a dark tunnel. And yes, I've chosen to walk it. But honestly, I just thought things would be better than this.

This could be a temporary depression spell for all I know. I just know right now, I feel god awful and very very discouraged.
 
The more I read people's blogs, the more I realize there is so much better out there.

Dock talked to me last night. He really tried to help me understand that the world is full of drama and that relationships come and go. He said so many things I needed to hear. He's 8 years younger than me to boot. I really admire his maturity. We talked about our careers. Both of us love and want the same things in our jobs. He also has been hurt a lot recently.

C called me and also talked. Said I have never taken the time for myself and seen what I really want.

Got me thinking, that is for sure.

L fulfills the kinky side of me I've wanted for so so long, but it's become pretty clear I want more than he is capable of giving.

At least I have plenty to consider for the next few weeks before I come home.

Relationships aside, there's too much drama and uncertainty in my life still. Feeling like this has made it clear that something needs to give.
 
I have decided today that enough is enough. No more drama, no more excessive worrying, no more bull shit.

I've made the mistake of putting my life on hold for L. And I'm not going to do that anymore. I have tried to build my plans around him and ask for his input, everything I thought a dedicated partner should do, but I realize that that is only going to get me hurt and disappointed in the end. That's not a stab at L. I believe he's actually trying, I just think I want more than he can give, and given how we met, I can't blame certain things for being true. We came together under...less than ideal circumstances.

So, I'm focusing even more on myself. My self care has improved. Despite my dramatic drop in mood yesterday, I got up, got exercise, kept my routine up and didn't stay in bed moping or other wise ruminating. Had some dark hours, but still a big step forward to what I used to do.

Dock and I talked a long time today. Nearly 10 hours! He and I were working on the same project and both found out we love nature, love martial arts (or should I say, always wanted to learn them), love the out doors, and love logistics and both are commercial drivers! He recently went through a bad break up himself and is struggling with being alone. That was a great conversation and very very encouraging. I didn't feel like such a failure for having so much trouble adjusting myself. We shared some great stories and both want to pursue our careers as drivers when our futures let it. He gave me so many great business ideas! I can't wait to see where all this leads.

We both love our job site, but both must depart from it in a few weeks. Both of us would stay if we could afford or the job would permanently transfer us, but that doesn't look too likely. Gah. Let's see how things pan out.

C wants me home next weekend. She's been instrumental in helping me through my dark times. Says I'm not allowed to go out for Christmas, so I must be home. I had to promise her I would make time for her for the holidays. I welcome it with all my heart! Very happy to be wanted back at home.

My good friend of over 20 years now, who I will call Silver, has also been more active in my life recently. Been really talking to her about a lot things I've been keeping to myself. This was met with a lot of acceptance which I'm pleasantly surprised. Her husband, who I will call Guard, has also been very supportive despite his religious background. All of my friends know I'm poly. Dock knows it too now. It's nice to not have to hide.

Work was terrific tonight. We were able to get the system really flowing and train two new people on running the system itself. They are picking it up so fast.

Thanksgiving was great! One of my co-workers knew we couldn't make it home, so invited us to eat with her family. I went and had an awesome time. They were Jamaican so it was one spicy thanks giving. And the beer was fantastic 8). We watched the Macy's day parade and the football game. Wish I could've enjoyed my stay longer, but work had us in by 9 o clock. We each got a pumpkin pie to take home though in the end. LOL work perks.

L called. Might see him next weekend. Not sure yet. His health issues have him bouncing from doctor to doctor, so that might cut into our time since the only time I can really see him is Sundays when I can make the two hour drive home to see the rest of my family..

So many interesting developments in one day. I think God heard my prayers for the last few days because man, I prayed real hard.
 
Got rid of a big piece of drama today. I finally told my family what I really thought. I was diplomatic. I could've been a bit more nicer on some issues.

Basically, if they want something, they are all over me. And when I don't give them what they want, they are all about guilt trips. I finally told them to back off. No one owes anyone anything. I don't believe a mother owes her daughter anything or vice versa. Parents don't get brownie points for doing what they are supposed to do. And my mother doesn't owe me shit past the age of 18. I'm tired of them in my life. I told them if they want to chat, feel free, but I'm not stopping my life any more to help with their shit. No more. I'm not indulging this shit anymore.

L message he isn't feeing well. I wish him the best and told him let me know if I can make things easier. But basically, I'm not worried about his shit any more. People were right - he was full of weird drama and I'm not letting it interfere with my life any more either.

Anyway, will write more later. Tired now and need to rest. But I've had a hell of a two days. A great day in the city with Dock and more success at the new job site. I'm happy here. I'm going to start really seeing if I can make this move permanent. I'm leaving a lot of crap behind. People in my first thread were dead on the money - I'm leaving all this weird drama behind. I got too much to live for for this bull shit any more.
 
Its amazing how life work's in baby steps.

I've gone from not being able to walk up steps, to walking 5 miles easily in 3 years.

I've gone from not knowing a thing about business, too helping launch 5 buildings in my current job in less then 2.

I've made many new friends and slowly developed into a young woman.

Yet it also works in giant leaps.

I'm not going to list those, as they are mostly negative and personal.

Tonight I'm struggling, but at least I'm learning a little more every night. I've learned not to lay in bed and wallow when I'm feeling down. I just made myself get up and go out for a walk. I reassured myself with good thoughts and tried to not allow myself to give into "disaster thinking." I assume so many things mean "the end of the world" that I send myself into a tail spin.

I'm feeling down, but I don't feel out and weepy anymore and I'm happy about that.

Sent L a few texts. Nothing really came of it. For the most part, radio silence. I know he's really perturbed by his health issue, so I'm learning not to be so narcissistic and give him the space he needs. This isn't all about me. Yes, I probably deserve better or more time (or maybe not?), but still, I'm learning I can't control things and becoming clingy or worrisome because that does nothing but cause me more pain and drive people away from me. So, instead of worrying about how I can't see him or drawing some conclusion, I've been asking myself what I need. Most of the time, it's surprisingly simple.

I took another big step today. I actually took time to write down some goals. They are broad at the moment, but they are down on paper and I'm going to take some time to really dissect and break them down into manageable steps. It made me feel a lot better about life in general because I'm starting to see how much I can do in one day or over time to get where I want to be. It gives me something to grasp when I'm other wise flailing.

Dock and I went to look at places to stay in the area if we decide to aggressively pursue a permanent transfer. We made a lot of progress and then stopped for lunch. He's going through family drama and I listened to him. Amazing how the people who are supposed to be closest to you can hurt you the most. I told him some of mine. We both agreed we are both struggling to learn how to cut drama out of our lives without being caught up in guilt and over thinking.

C can't wait for me to come back. I can't wait to see her.

I reached out and scheduled a play date with my ex's current girl friend. She and I want to take the kids out together and just have mommy time with both of them. I'm really looking forward to that. Despite the strangeness of it all, I feel no hostility toward her. In fact, we are becoming quite close as she is struggling with a lot of things I have, works practically the same job, and is helping raise my son. I also love her son, who's full of life and intelligent. I can't wait to play games with the kids and just let go.

L just texted good night. Right back at him. :)

I scheduled a time to go out to the local S/M club in the future. I've gone before and had a terrific time. Just hearing the BDSM lingo was comforting enough. I could be myself with other people and not worry about it.

Oh and a brand new PS4 awaits me when I visit home this weekend.

Yes. :)
 
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Dock and I have started riding together in the same car at work and having almost all meals together. It's like I have a work husband :D Really enjoy his company more and more every day. His intelligence is so refreshing. And his laughter is contagious - and we laugh a lot.

Our shift was pretty laid back, but we got to do a lot of system management and practice some stuff that we weren't always the best at. We also did some IT maintenance and set up on some of the computers. Dock took the lead on that since I was busy poking around with keeping the shift politics and information rolling. It really is amazing when big wigs have no idea what's going on right in front of their noses! Training took place with a few people today, but it was full of holes due to constant system errors.

The place lost power for 20 minutes and set everyone in a tizzy. Literally everything had to be restarted and it's no small thing to restart all of those blasted computers. And as anyone who works with computers knows, there's always that handful that never want to turn back on...

Dock and I toured an apartment he's interested in in the area and we talked with the management on a permanent transfer. Not sure what direction it's headed in, but it's looking a bit more hopeful by the day :)

L chatted for a little while yesterday via text and email. (Wondering if I should call him Bear? Might do that next post). I think he's hiding how fearful he is about his health condition, but I'm not going to prod. Giving him space seems to be helping him a lot, so I've continued my trend to pull back a bit. It's giving me more time to breathe too.

C (I'm going to call her Mist next post...) is calling me twice a day, checking in on me. My depression flared wildly the last few days and it hasn't been pretty some hours. But still, I'm taking better care of myself every day. Small things, like drinking 3 glasses of hot tea and eating healthier meals.

I guess you could call this a month a real transition. At least today, I am excited to see what tomorrow brings...
 
Dock and I had lunch, dinner, and breakfast...and yeah you know the drill by now.

We had an incredible time lately. The company took us out and showed us several major systems we have both always wanted to see and we learned so much. We were swimming in our knowledge and couldn't stop talking about it. We were too elated to care about how exhausted we were when we came home. On top of that, I had a chat with a very important big wig about more system talk I've always wanted to talk about - and he talked to me for almost an hour. I asked so many questions.

Before work, Dock and I had lunch and talked about NYC. We both plan a final trip together, just us, soon. We even thought about over night accommodations, though I'm not sure our paychecks will be friendly enough. But we'll shall see. He wants to take me out to several clothing stores and there are a few things I want to see. But for the most part, we are both just absorbing the energy and the awesomeness of being in a big city. Both of us have never really been in one before and not on this scale. So this is all a big novelty to us both.

Bear (formerly known as L) has been messaging frequently, saying he can't wait to see me Sunday. :) It's going to be a quiet day since his health issue has been flaring up quite a bit. I haven't really said much, just provided encouragement and love when needed. I can't wait to see him either. We haven't really seen each other in nearly 3 weeks, and compared to most people in my life, barely talked at all.

I'm finally starting to see it. I see a different, better life. I see one full of happiness and endless possibilities again. I'm starting to feel like my old self and after all the revelations at work and at personal life, I feel like I'm starting to remember what I was like before my problems in my marriage and the drama with Bear. It's like the sun breaking over the distant horizon.

Mist (formerly known as C) can't wait to see me when I get home. We're going to have a party on Monday and have a great time with friends.

May the positive vibes continue :D
 
Saw Bear today, finally, after a long 21 days.

He's sick. His health issue is worse then I thought. He didn't want to freak me out by not telling me the full scale of the issue - and I totally understand why. However, I did mention that from now on, I'd rather him be fully transparent with me so I can understand why things are the way they are. I would've been a lot more understanding of certain things if I knew he had been struggling so much. I had suspected that something was up, because his behavior had been erratic as of late. Either way, I'm maintaining my detachment. I'm learning patience. I found out his wife has been the reason why he hasn't been talking much himself. She still really doesn't like it when he communicates with me. Given the circumstances on how we got together, I can understand it. Still...it hurts. Not going to lie about that.

We had a long emotional conversation, on both sides. Both of us confronted a part of our past we hadn't talked about since June. It was NOT easy. But a lot of unfinished business was resolved. I won't post about it here, but it was good closure and a good understanding of what I can and cannot expect.

On a happier note, Dock texted me and kept me "virtual company" as I call it all night long. I came home to visit and found out it was harder than I thought. Since I've been away for nearly two months, I've been able to separate myself from a lot of things at home that has really dragged me down. Now that I've come back, I'm reminded of all the stuff that has been hurting me.

I feel numb. I thought after seeing Bear that I'd feel the normal revitalization and crazy NRE that I've felt in the past. Truth is, I feel like a wall is there now. Not a bad one, but one that keeps things at a distance. Maybe I finally have a grasp on the reality of things? I definitely think I'm looking at this, and other relationships, in a much more mature eye.

Still I got a sinking feeling that the worst of the year has yet to come. On the other hand, I'm feeling hopeful that I'm finally getting over a major wall in my life that runs very deep. It's a strange mix of emotions.

Such is life.
 
Took a stand for myself last night. Told Bear that I can't take the relationship the way it is anymore.

No I didn't end it.

I don't know what's going to come of it.

But I refuse to keep torturing myself.

One more step for acceptance

But it hurts.

It hurts like you wouldn't believe.

But I'm determined to keep on this healing trend.

But God it hurts.....
 
I am proud of myself. It's hard not to cave in and obsess over Bear. I've significantly reduced contact with him and have not been following our rituals. The past few nights have been tough. And I admit, it's like going through withdrawal. I really opened up to Dock and Mist about what's going on and they've been instrumental in helping me make it through the initial pain.

I have kept up with my self care. I refuse to not get my physical needs met anymore. Staying hydrated, showering, eating, and keeping groomed has been my top priority while I struggle with things. The ex-hubby decided to give me more grief and I finally told him if he wanted to make a move in the divorce, do it, stop playing games with my friends and everyone around him. He made some demands - I listened. I didn't really respond. He says he wants to keep it out of court. I was so angry and confused, it just brought up a slew of emotions. I let myself feel them and didn't act. The storm has passed for now.

My assignment at the job site is complete and I just returned home. Mist was overjoyed. I've been laying with her since, just glad for her company next to me. We talked throughout the morning until I got up for exercise.

Dock took me to NYC and helped me talk about self care goals and our long term goals in our career and personal stuff. It was helpful. it was magical. Helped me realize how much I truly hadn't cared for myself in a very long time - in fact, I wonder if I've ever put me first at all. We tried on more clothes and talked about diet among other things. He told me about his new relationship budding during our time at our job site. I was eager to listen and happy for him.

Now that I'm home, I'm turning further inward. I just finished the book "Codependent No more" and now reading a book, "Women who Love too Much."

Bear wants to talk on Tuesday. Not sure if that's really going to happen. But I'm tired of worrying too much about him and focusing on the negative. I feel tired and fragile, but I feel a sense of peace I haven't felt before. But it's going to be a long tough journey. I'm looking into therapy again - I still don't feel ready to go.
 
Hugs poly snow. Thanks for your posts. I understand, it's hard. Just take it one step at a time. :)
 
Now that I'm home, I'm turning further inward. I just finished the book "Codependent No more" and now reading a book, "Women who Love too Much."

I found Codependent No More to be really helpful. It took a little while to process the whole thing, but the idea of just being responsible for yourself and letting other people just be responsible for themselves finally sank in.
 
@Starlight - thank you for your kind encouragement

@Reverie - I'm not sure it has fully sunken in for me yet, but I think it's happening slowly.

--

I feel sick this morning. Bear texted last night he was coming up to see me. I just texted back "ok." I got caught up on what I "should" be doing and how I "should" be reacting. I realize I need to do what I feel is right - so I'm going to give him a chance to come talk it out and see what happened. I forgot to ask exactly when he'd be up, and he's damn near impossible to get once he's asleep, so I'm guessing, lol. Then again, it's not the end of the world if I'm not home the minute he calls. Christ, I really do have a problem.

My mother called last night. I just stared at the phone and stupidly picked it up. I'm still angry as hell at her.

I talked rather casually, but I was even angrier at her when I hung the phone up. She called to apologize. We haven't spoken in over a month. She said she was sorry for what she did to me when she saw me last. "I know it was shameful." She said.

Was that all she cared about? How shameful the act was? Never mind how badly it hurt me and how disgusting she acted. No. She was more concerned that my friends were around when it happened and that everyone else found out she was thieving addict. She asked how my job deployment went and I talked about it. But I couldn't bring myself to immerse myself into the conversation, so I ended it on a stiff note. I hope she doesn't call back anytime soon. I'm not sure i'll answer again if she does.

On top of that, my Aunt saw my NYC photos on my Facebook and texted me "don't take this the wrong way, but we need to discuss your wardrobe."

So I don't have much. I don't spend money on clothes or myself. I've blown so much money taking care of everyone else, I don't even know what my own style is.

I felt even more anger after that. My family looks at me as a problem to analyze and fix. I'm nearly 30 and they still treat me like I'm a child. I feel they are always looking for something to fix. If they are genuinely concerned - it's because they want something back.

I spent a good night with my young one and got his lunch ready. Hard going to the daycare to pick him up because I swear the teachers are giving me these mix between resentful looks and looks of pity. I know I'm not around a lot. I know I'm a career oriented mother. It could just be paranoia, but like many other things in my life, I'm worried about what others think about me and I know what I'm doing what's best for all of us at the moment.

Right now I'm glad I got out of bed, unpacked, cleaned up a lot of trash, had fun with my little one, and managed to not be paralyzing by this sick feeling I got. I'll take whatever small victory I have.
 
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Struggling. Badly.

But proud of myself.

I had just finished eating breakfast (homemade!) :cool: and grief set in. Grief over a lot of things.

Normally I'd curl up and neglect myself. I looked in the mirror through the tears and said "screw you depression. If I'm going to lay in bed and cry, I'm doing it with sparkling teeth, brushed hair, minty fresh breath, and fresh pajamas!"

Took a lot of effort, but by God I did it. Laying down now. Score one for self care.


Small victories.
 
So...

Bear had quite a bit to say when he finally made it over to my place. I won't post all the details here, but short story is, his health issue is scaring him a lot more than he has previously admitted too and things in his home life are not going well. Turns out his wife has been a lot more hostile toward him then I realized.

I simply said that he needs to take care of that and that I'm not going to be his secondary partner whom he can jerk around. I told him if it comes to that, then he needs to go on with his wife and let me go. Or I'll walk. One way or the other, this drama will not be a part of my life any more.

We talked a long time after that, but we both agree we took our relationship to fast in a few areas. In the end, we both agreed to focus on getting healthy. He needs to get on his feet with his issue, and I need to continue working on myself. We both want to interact with each other in a non-manipulative way, not tainted by over blown expectations and hurts from the past.

I haven't been emailing him regularly and I haven't prodded into his life since. I realize I can't rescue him or try to control him. It was hard to admit I was.

as I've written in so many other posts, self care has been the forefront. I actually am eating enough during shifts, getting more sleep, and I'm seeing more of my friends and getting a lot of things done that I've been neglecting. My depression still flares quite a bit, but those dark moments don't seem nearly as threatening as they used to be.

Dock has a boyfriend that might be interested in him :) But unfortunately, theres complications. He's handling it so well, its inspiring. He and I are going to meet up and fire up our PS4s on Tuesday. We are both glad to be back at our home site, but still miss our remote site a lot. We are also missing NYC a lot. It was addicting.

Mist made me dinner and my lunch. She helped me through my latest depression flare. As she always does. I am so lucky to have her. She and I are going to plan to re-do our home and get the stuff we need after New Years. Really looking forward to that.

Ironically enough, ever since I've pulled back from Bear, he's contacted me more and has even visited more often. Strange how that works. He surprised me with tickets to Star Wars as well :) Looking forward to that.

It's hard not to dwell on all the other stuff and other people's problems and just keep focused on what I need to do, but it seems to be getting easier. I know I've just begun, but it really is amazing how these changes are impacting me.

Work, I swear, is trying to kill us with overtime. I have so much more to write, but am too exhausted to continue.
 
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