Mya's search for balance

That sounds exciting, Mya! Big questions, definitely, and it will take some time to find the answers. But, it will be worth it! Take your time, stop to listen to your inner self - you will find the answers. Also, keep your eyes, ears and heart open to see the possibilities around you. Good luck!
 
Thanks Nadya, I will definitely try to keep my eyes and heart open to all the possibilities. :)

In other news: I'm so in love with Jasmin it's ridiculous. :eek: NRE is super strong in both of us at the moment. It feels good. It feels soothing. And it also feels scary. But I'm going with it, trying not to be scared of getting hurt. Everything just feels so right with her. The compatibility, the love, the sex. I hope it lasts for a good long time. :)
 
I'm starting to have some ideas about where to move next and what to do there. It feels exciting. I'll probably stay in my current country for a good long while still, maybe a year or more. But there will come a point when I'll leave, and it's good to start planning. It also seems like mine and Jasmin's life plans could fit together quite nicely. :) I've visited her home country once a few years ago and ever since then I've had that as one of my options for places to live since I really liked it there. And my other choice is a country that she is also considering as her next move. So three options seem likely: 1) we both move to her home country 2) we both move to a same new country X 3) I move to her home country and she moves to country X. For my part Jasmin's home country appeals to me more than country X for career/study reasons, but I'll definitely consider country X as well. There's also a third country that I'm considering, but at this point I'd only consider it if the other two weren't viable options for some reason. Luckily me and Jasmin still have loads of time in the current country to see how our relationship develops and how much we want to take each other into account when deciding where to live. So don't worry readers, I'm not jumping into any decisions right now while still heavily in NRE. :D

And speaking of NRE, me and Jasmin took a weekend trip and it was amazing! A whole weekend for the two of us, it was so perfect. <3 She is a great travel companion and we wanted to do similar things while there, so it all went very smoothly. It was like our own little love bubble for a weekend, I think I'm still a bit high from all the happy hormones. :eek:
 
So rory and I are no longer friends. We met up recently and afterwards he sent me an email stating that. I don't really want to get into details about the conversation or the email, but the whole situation led to huge amounts of anxiety for me and I felt I could barely breath for a couple of weeks. :( I'm starting to feel better now which enables me to even write about it. Also, I went to a weekend event last weekend and shared a room with Hank. We had booked that room a year ago when we were still together. I was really nervous about that, but it went pretty well and we were able to be amicable and not get into any heavy conversations. But in the end I'm unsure whether that friendship can be saved either. Hank and rory have each other now, and I have Dahlia and Eddie. Maybe it's just best to go our separate ways, as sad as that makes me.

Living with Dahlia and Eddie is pretty great. The three of us have very similar living habits and values, so we haven't gotten into any arguments about household stuff so far. It took me a little while to get over the fact that Dahlia doesn't want to have a romantic relationship with me anymore, but she has shown me in several different ways that she definitely wants to be close friends, and I believe her. I want that too.

In more exciting news, I've had a few casual experiences with new people recently and I've really enjoyed them. It has just confirmed that this is what I want for now. I love Jasmin and what we have is really great. I don't feel like getting into other serious relationships at the moment. But having that variety and frequency that having sex with other people can bring is also really nice. Of course at some point something can come along that starts out as casual and evolves into something else, but so be it then. I'm willing to take that risk, but also trying my hardest to only seek out situations that are less likely to lead to romance. For example last week I met up with someone who was only visiting my city for a week. We had sex on the day we met and the next day, and I'll probably never see him again. I still feel like we had a connection and it wasn't completely emotionless. So it was just perfect. :) I also had some really cool experiences at the weekend event I mentioned earlier. And today I'm meeting up with someone who lives in a different city (although only about 1½ h away) and is in an open relationship, so not poly. Could be a start of a nice FWB situation if there's chemistry. Wish me luck!
 
Me and Jasmin are pondering future possibilities. She has decided that she will move out of the country in 6 months. She's going back to her home country. And I'm very much considering going with her. I've been thinking about a career change for a while now and there's a place I could study my new subject in the city where she'd possibly want to move to. It all seems to fall into place. :) I might not go immediately when she goes because she's planning on staying with her parents for a bit and finding a new job while she's there. But once she's found a job, I could move as well. Luckily I can do my job remotely, so that won't be a problem for me. At the moment we're considering living together in her home country, although we haven't completely decided that yet. Even if we decide not to do that, we would still like to live near each other, like walking distance apart. We have that 6 months to decide though, which is great. No need to rush into decisions just yet. 6 months from now will be very close to our first anniversary. I think a year seems like a reasonable time to have been together in order to make a decision this big. I've actually never waited that long before. :p Me and JJ (my ex-husband) moved in together after a few weeks of dating, me and Hank after 6 months and me and Dahlia were already looking for a place together before we even started dating. :D The only exception is rory, but that was because first we were in a LDR and then he was already living with his then-partner and didn't want to change that situation. I would have been ready to live with him much sooner than when it happened. So, all in all, I'm being more careful this time than previous times.
 
I am really really happy right now. :) I'm glad that I made the decision not to start seriously dating new people for now. That has made my life quite a lot easier/simpler. And it helps a lot that I get so many of my relationship needs met with Jasmin, she is just amazing. We see each other 1-3 days a week and text almost every day. Also, I have pretty much decided to move to her home country later this year! Exact time is still up in the air because even Jasmin doesn't really know her moving time yet. But we're making plans about our shared apartment, and I just love that. It's awesome to dream together. <3
 
Yay! Always glad to see you are doing well.
 
Thanks MeeraReed! :)

So I have apparently also got myself into some kind of a casual D/s situation after meeting a guy at a Femdom club (where I went with Jasmin). So now I...have a sub? Well, maybe that's going a bit too far since we've only met twice. But we do have plans to keep meeting up for D/s purposes until I leave the country. He's very busy though, so we're not going to see each other very often. Which is probably good in terms of things not getting emotionally too serious - neither of us wants this to turn into a romantic relationship. But it's been a lot of fun so far!
 
So I have apparently also got myself into some kind of a casual D/s situation after meeting a guy at a Femdom club (where I went with Jasmin). So now I...have a sub? Well, maybe that's going a bit too far since we've only met twice. But we do have plans to keep meeting up for D/s purposes until I leave the country. He's very busy though, so we're not going to see each other very often. Which is probably good in terms of things not getting emotionally too serious - neither of us wants this to turn into a romantic relationship. But it's been a lot of fun so far!

Well that one didn't last for long, which is fine, but it did have one effect: I now want a sub/bottom. A summer-long subby fling. :D So I'm back on OKC, seeing if I can find one.

Meanwhile, Jasmin has a new partner. I'm feeling a little insecure about it. Mainly I just hope that it won't change her mind about moving to another country with me. She seems pretty smitten with this new person. But she's doing a pretty good job of reassuring me, so I think it will be fine as soon as I get used to the idea of a new important person in her life.
 
I've been on a few first dates recently. It's been pretty fun! I've made it clear on my OKC profile that I'm planning on moving out of the country at some point, so I'm not looking for anything long-term. I've been on three first dates and I have one more coming up this week.

The first one I went to was with someone who sent me a really nice first message that made it clear we had quite a lot in common. He isn't submissive though, which is a bummer, but he's not dominant either, so I was willing to give him a chance. He is in an open relationship and moves around a lot, so I suggested meeting up after a few messages. I thought I might still have a nice evening with him even though he's not exactly what I'm looking for at the moment. We ended up having some really nice conversations and at the end of the night I initiated making out and after that asked if he'd like to come back to mine. He seemed really surprised by that, but said yes. We had a good night and he was open to some kinky activities in the end, so that was great. I'm seeing him again tonight.

The second one was quite an interesting one. He was a 24 year old virgin who was interested in...not being a virgin anymore. So he also doesn't identify as submissive or anything kink-wise, but I'd imagine that's mainly because he hasn't really explored kink in any way. So we, um, explored a little. :cool: I'd like to see him again and show him more stuff, but I'm not entirely sure where he stands on that. We'll see.

The third one... Oh my. He was such a sweetheart. So smiley, gentle and nice. Really cute. Submissive and masochist. Totally my type. We had a great time chatting on our date, but he had to go home that night. We set up a next date, made plans for him to come to my place then. I'm sooo looking forward to it, I think we will be very compatible kink-wise. :)

Then there's the fourth one that's coming up this week. He also identifies as submissive, so that's a great start. We've been talking a lot leading up to the date and I'm starting to get really excited. We seem kink-compatible, he seems funny and interesting. I'm looking forward to this one!

After all this, I feel really slutty, and I like it. :D I love sex, especially kinky sex, and I'm not ashamed to act on it. My life is pretty great at the moment. <3
 
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Another thing that happened recently was that me and Jasmin took a trip to the countryside over Easter. We both did some art, she painted and I played an instrument, sang and wrote a song. We slept a lot. We took a nice nature walk. We talked about a million things and bonded a lot. We had great sex. We came back feeling recharged, relaxed, creative and more in love than ever. It was the perfect trip. :)
 
I had a very interesting conversation with Jasmin yesterday. We talked about the fact that she has this new partner that she's in deep NRE with (plus one longer-term partner besides me) whereas I don't have other partners at the moment, but I sleep around with others. I mentioned that one guy I slept with is in an open relationship, and Jasmin asked how does that differ from a polyamorous one, so I tried to explain how I understand it. I then realised that I do many of the same things that I know some people in open relationships do in order to avoid getting into a second serious relationship, because I also don't particularly want that at the moment. For example don't sleep with the same person more than a few times, or if you do and you start having feelings, don't act on them, don't start making too many commitments and promises etc. Jasmin joked that it's kind of like she's in a polyamorous relationship and I'm in an open relationship. We laughed, but it does feel like that to me sometimes, and it's kinda weird. Jasmin's new partner is also not dating anyone else, so she is the sole provider of romantic interaction to two people. She said that she kinda likes it, even though she obviously won't stand in our way if either one of us wants to have another partner. Then I also talked about my feelings regarding her NRE with the new person, and how that has increased my desire for outside company. I don't think it has affected our relationship negatively, which is great, but I still feel this imbalance when she's so heavily into someone else and I'm not. So I think my dating has been influenced by that, at least a little bit. But there are other factors too, of course. In the beginning of the year I said I don't want to get into new relationships in a while. It was the right decision and I'm glad I let my heart heal a bit from all the break-ups. But now I feel like I'd be ready for a new emotional connection again, maybe. Although the timing is not great at the moment because of the leaving the country issue. But if there wasn't that, I would consider getting emotionally invested again. And maybe I will seek that out in the new country.

In the meanwhile, I'm sooo looking forward to my date tomorrow! I've been talking to this person for quite a while now and I really like the dynamic we've built virtually. I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground because he might be completely different in real life, but I'm hoping he isn't. He doesn't live in my city, so he's coming down for a weekend (even though I'm not spending the whole weekend with him). We're meeting up on Friday evening and if things go well, will hang out until Saturday afternoon. Fingers crossed everything will go well. :)
 
In the meanwhile, I'm sooo looking forward to my date tomorrow! I've been talking to this person for quite a while now and I really like the dynamic we've built virtually. I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground because he might be completely different in real life, but I'm hoping he isn't. He doesn't live in my city, so he's coming down for a weekend (even though I'm not spending the whole weekend with him). We're meeting up on Friday evening and if things go well, will hang out until Saturday afternoon. Fingers crossed everything will go well. :)

So, this date happened. It was quite interesting. We had a good kinky dynamic that I enjoyed very much. And he was VERY cute. But we also had a few quite basic incompatibilities that I'm pretty sure will prevent us from becoming anything more than occasional lovers/fwbs. I mean, that and also the fact that he's not poly. :p I'm pretty sure he's ultimately looking for the one and I'm just someone to do fun stuff with in the meanwhile. Which totally works for me right now.
 
I wanted to share a funny/sweet moment between Jasmin and I. We were talking about sex with other people and I fondly remembered one person I slept with in February. I spent two really awesome nights with him. Jasmin said in a cheerful voice: "Ah, [name]. We like [name]. He's a good man." I laughed and asked how come "we" like him since she never met him. Jasmin said: "He made you very happy for two days. I remember how you were beaming the day after. So that means I like him." :D :eek:
 
Thanks PinkPig! :)

A bit of an update to this situation:

Meanwhile, Jasmin has a new partner. I'm feeling a little insecure about it. Mainly I just hope that it won't change her mind about moving to another country with me. She seems pretty smitten with this new person. But she's doing a pretty good job of reassuring me, so I think it will be fine as soon as I get used to the idea of a new important person in her life.

The thing I feared is kinda happening. Jasmin is having second thoughts about moving. It's not only because of her new partner, but he is a big part of it for sure. She still sees the downsides of our current city and will most likely want to leave eventually, but she's asking if we could delay the plan. I've said we can, I'm not in a hurry to leave. So now we're talking about leaving next year maybe. But it's all up in the air and I'm just waiting on her decision really. It's a little frustrating because I can't plan my life while she's undecided. But I also want her to make a genuine decision, as in only move with me if she really wants to, not because she said she would. So I'll wait.

All of this also puts me in a different place when it comes to other relationships. I've been keeping people at a distance on purpose, trying not to get too involved in order to avoid heartbreak. But if I'm leaving next year, that does leave a lot more room for possible romance. Well, sort of short-term romance, but still. Aaand... I kinda like one of the people I've been seeing recently. This one:

The third one... Oh my. He was such a sweetheart. So smiley, gentle and nice. Really cute. Submissive and masochist. Totally my type. We had a great time chatting on our date, but he had to go home that night. We set up a next date, made plans for him to come to my place then. I'm sooo looking forward to it, I think we will be very compatible kink-wise. :)

We had a second date last week and the sex was really hot. We seem pretty compatible in other ways too. So, who knows.

I guess I'll just try to go with the flow.
 
Last weekend Jasmin had a party. That was the first time I properly talked to her new partner. I should probably name him since he's coming up a lot these days - let's call him Kaspar. So we kind of dove straight to the deep end. We had barely had any small talk before, but at this party something came up that the three of us - me, Jasmin and Kaspar - needed to talk about. Since they started dating Jasmin has talked to me about a few things that Kaspar has done, nothing major, but still things that have made me a bit wary of him. At the party Jasmin said to me that she can see that I'm a bit uncomfortable around Kaspar and asked if we could talk about it. So me and Jasmin talked about it first and then she asked if I would consider talking about these things to Kaspar himself as well. I value transparency, so I said yes. And we did.

It started as a three way conversation until Jasmin had to go do other things and me and Kaspar continued without her. It was actually pretty great. The conversation eased a lot of my worries about him. He seemed to really take in everything I said, he even made notes! Much of what I said were feminist observations, things he actually does want to work on and was really grateful to get feedback about. Some of it was also poly stuff, since he is very new to poly. Seeing him really wanting to work on things made me feel relieved. We'll see how it goes, but at least the willingness is there. :) We talked for so long that by the time we were done, it was really late. I was supposed to go home that night and Kaspar was supposed to stay over at Jasmin's. In the end they asked me to stay in Jasmin's bed with them, so I did. She has a nice big bed, so it was actually pretty comfy. So from my first proper conversation with my metamour I ended up in bed with him. :D Nothing else than sleeping and cuddling Jasmin from both sides happened, but I think that alone made her super happy. And I was happy to be there too. :)
 
I organised a birthday surprise to Jasmin a week ago. It combined a few things I know she likes, and it ended up being a great success. She loved it, and I loved making it happen. :) It was such a happy day! She wrote a post about it on Facebook and added some pictures as well, one of them was us kissing. It felt like a huge deal to me. It felt so good to be recognised as a romantic partner in the eyes of all of our friends. It makes me feel like she's proud to be my partner and isn't afraid of showing the world that she loves me. And I love her so much! :eek:

At the moment Jasmin is abroad with Kaspar, it's their first trip together. She's not texting me as much as she usually does, which is totally understandable, but it makes me feel a bit sad and I miss her quite a lot. I had a few plans for the weekend, but most of them fell through and I ended up not doing much. Today she sent me a great message where she detailed some of the things she values in me and our relationship, and that made me feel really good. At the same time Dahlia also sent me a message expressing how grateful she is for the things I do for her and the house. So today I'm feeling really appreciated. <3
 
Hope things continue to go well!
 
Thanks Meera!

I've now had four dates with the guy I've mentioned in the last few posts, the one I said I quite like. I think this is becoming something, so I'd better name him. Let's call him Marco. On our last date we had a conversation about what we're feeling and where this is going. It was a good conversation. So we both like each other, but neither of us wants to commit to this thing too much. He said that he gets burnt out quite easily, so he wants to be careful about how he spends his energy and time. And you know my situation, so I also don't want to start building a big thing out of this. He said that this feels like more than friends with benefits but less than partners. And I agree. So I guess we'll see how that evolves, if it does. At the moment I'm really enjoying what we have: some feelings (but not too intense), very good sex, compatible kinks, mutual interests, good conversation, keeping in touch (but not too much) and being on the same page about what we want out of this. So far so good. :)
 
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