I thought it was time to start a blog. I keep a paper journal, and it's nearly full, so that's part of the motivation. The other is that I think I could occasionally benefit from other people's input. When I have days where I am struggling with my relationships, I'm not my usual rational self. I tend to be reactive, and to catastrophize, and although I feel I'm getting better at not doing that with time, it usually takes me longer than I like to realise what a numpty I'm being and get back on track. Perhaps that process will be sped up by gentle interjections or insights from others. I'm also quite okay if no one feels like making any comments too. I have learnt a lot from reading other people's experiences in this section, and it's good to just get stuff out sometimes in a venting kind of way. Hopefully there will be chronicling of good bits of these travels too though.
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Anyway, I might as well just dive straight into things. I'm having a bit of a crappy morning. Last night Nina and I went to poly meet. It took a lot of cajoling to get her there in the end, because although she wanted to go, she'd had a crappy day at work and we are both stressed out about our house renovation work and she wasn't in the mood. I was keen to go because I had made plans to talk to a friend of ours - I'm going to call him Rhythm - about meeting up with him next week for a movie night. Recently, Rhythm and I ended up making out with each other after a night out, and we haven't really talked about that beyond saying it was fun and that we have no expectations. The movie night was his suggestion, and it seems clear that it might be an attempt to arrange some time to be alone with each other…but, with Rhythm, it could just as easily be a social invite, and that he's expecting Nina and/or other friends to tag along - I wanted to talk to him about that a bit rather than making assumptions.
I was also expecting to see Scandi there. We haven't seen each other all summer, although we've kept in touch a bit through text and did meet up briefly at a refugee vigil we were both attending at the weekend. I was with work colleagues who I'm not out as poly to, so we couldn't really talk, but we made tentative plans to meet at the group last night, and/or grab a drink this week. He's been going through a lot of changes in his life of late. He's divorcing his wife (who he is financially dependent on), moving in with one of his girlfriends…it's a lot. So I totally understand why he's not been very available of late. I wanted to find out how he's been handling that, and (perhaps selfishly) where that leaves me and him.
Anyway, we arrived at the meet very late, but with Nina in a much better mood (yay!). However, as we are walking in the door, Rhythm and his girlfriend are having to leave to chase a bus. So that was kind of bad timing. We spoke very briefly and just confirmed that we were both free Tuesday, but I guess I will have to message him to clarify what his expectations are, which me being the classic indirect Brit that I am just makes me feel a bit cringey, awkward and presumptuous. But there you have it. I know it's something I have to get used to or face the wrath of crossed wires at a later date. Anyway, Scandi was there, so we sat near him and we got to talk a bit. The long and short of it is that he and his girlfriend are having some problems and have decided to close their relationship while they solidify stuff between them. I'm a bit bummed by that, but I guess it wasn't really unexpected. I guess I'm a little hurt by the way he delivered the message though - he just sort of announced it at the table to everyone, rather than speaking to me individually about it, but hey. I think he was confident enough that I wouldn't be upset that he thought it best to just get it out there - I saw he was also getting hit on a bit by a new guy, so fair enough!
Anyway, so my crappy mood today is a bit to do with that, a bit to do with the amorphous situation developing with Rhythm, and a bit to do with some of my insecurities and I guess, being honest, some 'attention-envy' with Nina. Let's break this down.
I guess my main issue with Rhythm right now (and Nina called me on it this morning) is that *I* don't know what I want from the situation. He's a really good friend, I like him a lot. I'm not massively attracted to him physically, but he's a very open and loveable person, very upbeat and full of positive vibes, and I do find that his personality makes him more attractive to me. He's a good kisser too, and experienced in both poly and sex, and that also draws me in. But after how things ended with Jay and Lily (I'll explain that at some point) I'm a bit wary of mixing sex and pre-existing friendship. Also, I worry that his feelings and mine might be out of synch. That I'm looking for something less intense than he is. Anyway, brain is buzzing over all of that today. I guess I don't know if I trust my motives, because I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment, and he's giving me a lot of attention that I'm craving right now. I don't want to jump into something with him just to find out later on that it doesn't feel right, and have both of us left with hurt feelings.
As for my insecurities. Well, they are obviously my own to deal with. At the moment they seem to be manifesting in really unhealthy ways though, and I'd like to fix that. Like I'm hyper-aware right now that Nina is full to bursting with dating options, and I wrestle with making comparisons in my mind which leave me feeling like the ugly duckling. My girlfriend is incredibly hot. I know I'm not as conventionally attractive as her, but I also know that she thinks I'm beautiful, and on a good day, I see that too. After not really having much luck in the online dating thing, she's finally found someone cool that she enjoys having sex with, and there's another guy that she'd really like to meet up with, and last night she was also being hit on by a girl at the group. I don't know. Maybe it's was just the contrast last night, sitting around the same table seeing that while she is on the cusp of lots of exciting new opportunities, I was basically getting dumped. And that while I do have opportunities of my own, I don't feel entirely relaxed about them.
Just to top off the morning, last night Nina mentioned something about how she'd like us to find some time this week to talk about a potential sex-party thing that Aries might be hosting - and that he'd said it was basically up to us to decide what we wanted. I had been unaware (although she says she told me) that the two of them had gotten into any of the planning details, or that she and I would even be part of that process at all - I thought we were going to talk about what we were jointly comfortable with, and find out from him a bit more about who he was inviting and how these things generally work (total sex party newbies here), but it turns out it's kind of for us to decide, which is actually a lovely considerate thing on his side. Anyway, my logical brain knows it's a minor thing, but she showed me their messages on the issue and it seemed to me that they had basically planned the whole thing already without me, and emotional brain freaked out. I already have issues with feeling like Aries is way more into Nina than he is with me. I can actually wrap my head around that objectively and see that some degree of disparity is only natural, and that it's not like he *doesn't* find me attractive at all. He clearly enjoys the group sex in and of itself, and I think if he wanted one-on-one time with either of us he would ask. Where I worry is that in the moment I sometimes end up feeling like an unwanted plus-one, which then, surprise surprise, makes me distance myself a bit and then of course I can't tell if I'm excluding myself or being excluded. And now I feel excluded from this sex party thing, and like I'm just being dragged along for the ride (pun intended), but that it's now about satisfying their shared fantasies. And that essentially what will happen is I will go, sit nervously in the corner, and watch every single person in the room want to fuck my girlfriend. And that's so not the point of this. It's meant to be a fun thing for everyone, and I think I'm just going to ruin it for myself by being utterly primed for rejection before it even starts. Gaaaah!
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To summarise: Confidence and self-esteem are such catch-22 phenomena. If you have some, it seems to make a self-fulfilling prophecy of positivity that gives you more of both. If you're at a low ebb, it can end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of negativity and strip you down even more.
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Anyway, I might as well just dive straight into things. I'm having a bit of a crappy morning. Last night Nina and I went to poly meet. It took a lot of cajoling to get her there in the end, because although she wanted to go, she'd had a crappy day at work and we are both stressed out about our house renovation work and she wasn't in the mood. I was keen to go because I had made plans to talk to a friend of ours - I'm going to call him Rhythm - about meeting up with him next week for a movie night. Recently, Rhythm and I ended up making out with each other after a night out, and we haven't really talked about that beyond saying it was fun and that we have no expectations. The movie night was his suggestion, and it seems clear that it might be an attempt to arrange some time to be alone with each other…but, with Rhythm, it could just as easily be a social invite, and that he's expecting Nina and/or other friends to tag along - I wanted to talk to him about that a bit rather than making assumptions.
I was also expecting to see Scandi there. We haven't seen each other all summer, although we've kept in touch a bit through text and did meet up briefly at a refugee vigil we were both attending at the weekend. I was with work colleagues who I'm not out as poly to, so we couldn't really talk, but we made tentative plans to meet at the group last night, and/or grab a drink this week. He's been going through a lot of changes in his life of late. He's divorcing his wife (who he is financially dependent on), moving in with one of his girlfriends…it's a lot. So I totally understand why he's not been very available of late. I wanted to find out how he's been handling that, and (perhaps selfishly) where that leaves me and him.
Anyway, we arrived at the meet very late, but with Nina in a much better mood (yay!). However, as we are walking in the door, Rhythm and his girlfriend are having to leave to chase a bus. So that was kind of bad timing. We spoke very briefly and just confirmed that we were both free Tuesday, but I guess I will have to message him to clarify what his expectations are, which me being the classic indirect Brit that I am just makes me feel a bit cringey, awkward and presumptuous. But there you have it. I know it's something I have to get used to or face the wrath of crossed wires at a later date. Anyway, Scandi was there, so we sat near him and we got to talk a bit. The long and short of it is that he and his girlfriend are having some problems and have decided to close their relationship while they solidify stuff between them. I'm a bit bummed by that, but I guess it wasn't really unexpected. I guess I'm a little hurt by the way he delivered the message though - he just sort of announced it at the table to everyone, rather than speaking to me individually about it, but hey. I think he was confident enough that I wouldn't be upset that he thought it best to just get it out there - I saw he was also getting hit on a bit by a new guy, so fair enough!
Anyway, so my crappy mood today is a bit to do with that, a bit to do with the amorphous situation developing with Rhythm, and a bit to do with some of my insecurities and I guess, being honest, some 'attention-envy' with Nina. Let's break this down.
I guess my main issue with Rhythm right now (and Nina called me on it this morning) is that *I* don't know what I want from the situation. He's a really good friend, I like him a lot. I'm not massively attracted to him physically, but he's a very open and loveable person, very upbeat and full of positive vibes, and I do find that his personality makes him more attractive to me. He's a good kisser too, and experienced in both poly and sex, and that also draws me in. But after how things ended with Jay and Lily (I'll explain that at some point) I'm a bit wary of mixing sex and pre-existing friendship. Also, I worry that his feelings and mine might be out of synch. That I'm looking for something less intense than he is. Anyway, brain is buzzing over all of that today. I guess I don't know if I trust my motives, because I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment, and he's giving me a lot of attention that I'm craving right now. I don't want to jump into something with him just to find out later on that it doesn't feel right, and have both of us left with hurt feelings.
As for my insecurities. Well, they are obviously my own to deal with. At the moment they seem to be manifesting in really unhealthy ways though, and I'd like to fix that. Like I'm hyper-aware right now that Nina is full to bursting with dating options, and I wrestle with making comparisons in my mind which leave me feeling like the ugly duckling. My girlfriend is incredibly hot. I know I'm not as conventionally attractive as her, but I also know that she thinks I'm beautiful, and on a good day, I see that too. After not really having much luck in the online dating thing, she's finally found someone cool that she enjoys having sex with, and there's another guy that she'd really like to meet up with, and last night she was also being hit on by a girl at the group. I don't know. Maybe it's was just the contrast last night, sitting around the same table seeing that while she is on the cusp of lots of exciting new opportunities, I was basically getting dumped. And that while I do have opportunities of my own, I don't feel entirely relaxed about them.
Just to top off the morning, last night Nina mentioned something about how she'd like us to find some time this week to talk about a potential sex-party thing that Aries might be hosting - and that he'd said it was basically up to us to decide what we wanted. I had been unaware (although she says she told me) that the two of them had gotten into any of the planning details, or that she and I would even be part of that process at all - I thought we were going to talk about what we were jointly comfortable with, and find out from him a bit more about who he was inviting and how these things generally work (total sex party newbies here), but it turns out it's kind of for us to decide, which is actually a lovely considerate thing on his side. Anyway, my logical brain knows it's a minor thing, but she showed me their messages on the issue and it seemed to me that they had basically planned the whole thing already without me, and emotional brain freaked out. I already have issues with feeling like Aries is way more into Nina than he is with me. I can actually wrap my head around that objectively and see that some degree of disparity is only natural, and that it's not like he *doesn't* find me attractive at all. He clearly enjoys the group sex in and of itself, and I think if he wanted one-on-one time with either of us he would ask. Where I worry is that in the moment I sometimes end up feeling like an unwanted plus-one, which then, surprise surprise, makes me distance myself a bit and then of course I can't tell if I'm excluding myself or being excluded. And now I feel excluded from this sex party thing, and like I'm just being dragged along for the ride (pun intended), but that it's now about satisfying their shared fantasies. And that essentially what will happen is I will go, sit nervously in the corner, and watch every single person in the room want to fuck my girlfriend. And that's so not the point of this. It's meant to be a fun thing for everyone, and I think I'm just going to ruin it for myself by being utterly primed for rejection before it even starts. Gaaaah!
---
To summarise: Confidence and self-esteem are such catch-22 phenomena. If you have some, it seems to make a self-fulfilling prophecy of positivity that gives you more of both. If you're at a low ebb, it can end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of negativity and strip you down even more.