Sailing Solo

I had a phone chat with Kip, about half an hour. We rarely talk on the phone, we either see each other in person or chat online. He spent an inordinate amount of time ripping my accent. Apparently he had forgotten about it since we haven't seen each other in over a week :rolleyes: and took great delight in repeating things and comparing me to Monty Python characters. Fabulous. Nothing makes me happier. However, it is sweet that he picked up the phone. It is rare we don't see other weekly.
I have my night with Prof this evening. I had to do a swap :( I spent most of the day convinced it was Wednesday as that is usually his night. We were going to do a bonus night last night but he didn't finish work until 10 and I was already in bed. I really have to stick to only one late night during the week.

Was chatting a bit about poly with a co-worker. Our birthday's are 1 day apart, so we were discussing presents, I said one boyfriend paid for my concert tickets and I don't know about the other. He knows I have 2 boyfriends, which BTW answers my own question as how to I refer to them, "boyfriend" seems to work fine for general use.

He asked how that worked, was very surprised when I said they had met, had a cup of tea and a chat, I didn't mention the 3way part of the meeting ;) I said it was not cheating, we all know about each other, I haven't met their partners but everyone is aware.

I am fairly "out" . My family knows, friends, a couple of co-workers who are friends too and the tech guy at work, we tell each other everything, in gory detail. It's a hoot. Interesting on-going BDSM discussions. He is not into it but is interested in hearing and asks questions.

I am trying to take my own advice and not mess with things. Number 1 on my list is weekends. will...not....mess.....
 
Sailing along smoothly.
Had a nice time with Kip today. He was in a very silly mood and spent more time laughing and playing than anything else. He called it MSR, massive sperm retention, the male equivalent of PMS! He is very busy at work and took the opportunity to blow off a little steam. It was nice to laugh and relax, I was incredibly stressed this afternoon and it all melted away.
Prof is due for a very short visit tomorrow. I personally doubt he will make it. He had to cancel Weds this week due to work commitments. I am touched that he is trying to make a little time, but he will be flying in and leaving again the next day, I think he needs to take a few minutes to go home and get grounded before leaving again. Of course I want to see him but I don't want to be a drain on over taxed resources.
We are all overwhelmed with work, I have school in addition, it is a struggle to make time to just have fun, hopefully things will calm down again soon, but the relationships are all good. :D
 
Prof did make it, for a little over an hour. He was obviously tired, but I was touched that he made the effort, we kissed, cuddled and chatted a bit, then he went home. I won't see him again till probably Weds next week.

Kip and I made it to the one year mark. He came round again today, he said to make up for Monday, the laugh fest. I said there was no need to make up for anything. Monday was fun, but was very glad to see him.

So this also marks one year of learning about open and then onto poly type relationships. Very interesting and educational journey it has been/is being.
Both the guys would say they are in open relationships, but it is polydeeplycare (all one word) for me. I cannot define romantic love, I have read many definitions. NYCIndie posted a good one on a thread which resonated with me. I should try and dig it up.

Today's visit with Kip was quite extended. We had a long early dinner. He asked me if I had anymore questionnaires for class, he said he enjoyed doing them and me asking him questions about his work. That was probably one of 3 questions he asked me, the rest was share, share, share.
Prof is the same, once he gets going share, share, share. I am bad but I have timed them. Once they start, they can go for about an hour and a half. I shit you not. It's like being at work but I don't get paid.

It is not all one-sided. I was quite surprised how insightful Kip was in completing my questionnaires, he might not have any idea of how many siblings I have, but he has a very good handle on many of my personality traits.

I care deeply for them both. They treat me with kindness and I hope they would say I show kindness to them too.

On a different note. I am having doubts about Prof's birthday present. He has a calendar page from 2009 with a picture on it of something he enjoys. I got a nearly poster size giclee copy of it, but the colors are different to his one. He is quite particular about certain things. Now I think this was a bad idea. What do you do with a large art piece that you don't like? Like horrible lamps form your mother-in-law. Should I keep it and get something different?
 
Prof seemed genuinely pleased with the print. He said he was going to put it where I thought it would go, nice :)
Kip was a bit of a git and ignored my messages on Friday. We had a vague plan to meet but he did not reply when I tried to firm it up. Did not reply till Monday! Bit rude I thought, turns out he was having a difficult weekend with his wife and did not feel like replying. hmmmmmk.
I did bring up that he likes a quick response and will make multiple phone calls and BUZZ on IM if he doesn't get a reply. I usually reply to most things within the hour. Retort to that? Yes, there is a double standard and that's how it is. :rolleyes: Bit of a laugh, at least he admitted to it.
Prof brought up the rules yesterday. Another partner committed what S took to be a violation and she had a melt down.
I asked why they had all these rules in the first place. He said they didn't have any in the beginning but outside partners lacked personal boundaries, and it seemed better to approach new people with some rules in place. Makes sense.
Yes, I am in a agreeable mood, lots of lots or really good sex over the past few days.
 
I had a bad day yesterday.
I had agreed to help a work colleague/friend with a personal project, a large project. It turned into basically "can you do it?" I slaved over it at the weekend, and had already put hours into it previously, then on Tuesday my own work schedule blew up and I found out some things about the ex and alcohol which will require lawyer time and court. I told the colleague that I really couldn't be responsible for the project, I could help but I was overloaded for the time being. He did not take it well, he ended up hanging up on me and then left a mean spirited voicemail.
I ended up in alomst in tears in the car and after not getting through to the support network, I IMed Kip. He was in a meeting but said tell me what's up? He was a great support, said I was not being unreasonable about backing out of the project and said that offering help was good but not wanting to be responsible for virtually the entire thing, did not make me a bad friend.
I rarely say no. I agonized over the decision even down to contemplating delaying my next class to help the guy. Kip pointed out that I am a single parent with 2 small kids, alcoholic unreliable ex, full-time job and Master's program and no family to physically help. That put it into perspective.
He called after the meeting too. Not bad for a guy who said no to emotional attachment way back when.
This all ties in to ColorsWolfs thread about open relationships and limits.
I am surprised at how far Kip and I have come with healthy attachment and support.
Kip asked me today if I miss him. I said I won't admit to that, would he? He said yes, I miss you. I saw him twice last week and once this week, but this week time was short. It is hard for me to ask for help but he has been there for me on more than one occasion.
I saw Prof 4 times this week. Very handy being 10 minutes away. He seems to enjoy popping round after the kids are asleep for a cup of tea, chat and bit of tv. Of course we had our regular evening and sleep over too.
Considering I see him faaaaar more than Kip, I didn't even contemplate calling him on Thursday. I suppose I knew he would be busy, but I didn't even try.
Why not? I don't think I have even been stressed or out of sorts when I see him, he always gets the calm, stable me, which I am most of the time. In times of crisis I turn to family, time difference allowing, friends, work schedule allowing. It's me. As I have noted before, it takes a long time for me to open up, it is easier in writing, so I suppose as Kip and I IM incessantly, he gets to know the side of me that I don't often verbalize. Yo has experienced a few meltdowns via text.
Prof is a dear. He is like me in that we are best at offering practical help. My work laptop is on the fritz again. I am typing on his spare right now. I made us dinner last night, I used bottled vinaigrette, he offered to make me a batch of his home made vinaigrette. I shared some of my concerns over the ex and the booze. He said he can get some papers that will help when I meet the lawyer. He says I am a very strong woman. I haven't shared that I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill. We text but I don't really share. He just texted me a funny news story. It's on me. I keep coming back to the same issue, I am not good at sharing emotions.
 
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...r/201310/solo-polyamory-singleish-single-poly


Very interesting read and also comments section. I particularly related the comments about veto. A poster rated veto as buckets a-c. Prof and S have C, the blanket veto.
I see others on here have relationship restrictions, particularly those in primary type relationships. I wonder if I am over-reacting. there are only a few that actively irritate me. No vacations, no weekends away and veto.

I read the solopoly.net blog regularly.

…"Solo polys, though, often do not want what primary romantic partnership has to offer. Instead of trying to weasel their way into a primary role or hoping to undermine an established relationship, most solo polys simply want a full and equal voice in the conduct of their own relationships.”

Yup, yup, yup.
 
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Terribly tired.
I had to take one of my cats to the vet last night, a late night for all of us. She is still unwell :( 5 days to see if things improve.

Work is crazy busy.

I think I got a "B" on my last class, just didn't have the time to focus more.
The next one is last the last till internship section, hopefully it will be slightly more spread out. I have items due every 4 days with posted discussions, so it is difficult to crank out a bunch and then sit on them for a while. I should try and do something now :(

I had a couple of hours with Kip yesterday, my selfish me-time. It is his selfish him-time too, we agree on that. Next week isn't looking good for selfish me-time.

He has been very supportive of me recently. I feel at the end of my rope. My friend commented that the steady truckers need a crash and burn every once in a while. This is not like me, I just get on with things. Kip said I put on a good front, a true assessment. He can be quite insightful at times.

I haven't had much contact with Prof, just the odd text. I assume I will be seeing him tomorrow. I don't feel much in the mood right now.

I have some good things to look forward to this weekend, my event thing with Yo. Concert in 2 weeks and the parents in less than 3.

I also have a POF date on Friday, if the ex takes the kids, and chatting to another nice man as well.

Early night for me I think.
 
Still feeling fragile...
Got an A- in class, so that was ok. I am very glad there is only one before I skip December.

The fun event is next week not this, I still haven't printed the tickets out. This is good, I was going to wear a costume but ran out of time and energy to get it together. So the extra week let me order some things from ebay.
Prof cancelled Wednesday, I was quite relieved, it gave me time to catch up on life. Once the house was sorted then I felt I could focus on school work.

I find it hard to function in a mess, I find order and cleanliness to be calming. This does not however extend to my closets or files. I like clean and clear surfaces. If i can shut a closet door on it so much the better :)

I saw Kip again on Wednesday, fun sex and lunch, it was great. I am taking it as trying to be kind to me time.

I had the POF date last night, we meet at 8:30, had a drink played pool and then a little after 10 my body decided it was time to go home and go to bed. He then texted, had a fun night etc, and he was at a local live music place, wished I was there with him. He didn't actually mention it when we were together and even then I would have declined and gone home. So then he asked why I was going to bed at 11 on a Friday night. I replied single working mum, tired and have things to do. "Why was I tired if I didn't have the kids?".
He asked that twice. I didn't respond the second time and went to sleep.

This is such a big thing for me. I posted before about telling Prof I can't do 2 late nights a week. I am a big sleeper. 8 hours is really the minimum and it is rarely uninterrupted. I think non-parents can't quite grasp the fact being woken up 4 times a night by little kids means 8 hours can feel like 2. and do that night after night....when I do get a chance to sleep alone and uninterrupted it is a gift. I didn't feel like I should have to explain that to someone I only met once. Single working mum, tired and have things to do should suffice. Sensitive ME?????yes.
So he texted a few minutes ago.. I think I should give it a go, I am aware that I am taking things quite personally and feeling defensive.
We didn't discuss relationships and what we are looking for, which was nice. I am going with non-exclusive. I don't feel like sharing much else. I am open to being mono at some point, maybe...
I am going out for dinner with my best friend tonight, we rarely get to spend time together without the kids and she works Saturday, so Sunday tends to be family time. Her hubby and kid are out of town for the weekend so the mummies get to play!
Prof is alone and in town this Sunday, which is rare. He was supposed to be flying out on Sunday but that is cancelled, so we might get to spend some day time together. I don't think we have done that before.
But before the fun starts... I have to get back to floors, beds, laundry, banks, studying :rolleyes:
 
I got back on my feet in time for the next round life slapping you upside the head.
A death, very young, 17, victim of violence. Kip to the rescue with tea, biscuits and a shoulder to cry on. It is always hard to lose one so young. It's an ongoing shock.
I'm not sure if it is my place to write the next part, but it will be coloring things for some time to come. S is unwell. Prognosis is bleak. I saw Prof briefly last night, obviously upset. My lover's lover is dying.
We went out on Weds before it was confirmed. He asked me to provide distraction, give him a break from the stress. I let him know I am here for him and also fine to keep well out of the way, whatever it is he needs.
 
Kip is being an incredible support. I'm not entirely sure how he ended up in this role. He just seems to be around when things are tough and able to drop what he is doing to help out.
I had a second date with the new guy. We like each other :) Still not talked relationships. We are texting a lot, and the conversation turned to BDSM. He says he is into light play, blindfolds, light restraint and being Dom. He hasn't asked what I have done. Hahaha. I didn't offer up any information. Prof, Kip and Yo have all commented that I come across as ultra restrained and vanilla in the real world but very adventurous when naked. Best to let these things come out slowly, I think.
New Guy is coming to the concert with me next week. He knows the artist and is very keen. Prof pulled out due to S.
Yo pulled out of today's event due to a funeral, yet more bad news. I am taking the kids with me. Mummy has green 60's back-combed hair and and a very sparkly outfit, complete with silver go-go boots They think I look pretty, I did a test run last night to show Prof when he came round. It was a weird moment. We went from fun costumes to S is terminal. It's a shock, I am in shock.
 
That is terrible news about Prof's partner S. What a shock.
 
Thanks Mags.
It's hard to know what to do. I am thinking the best thing is to simply keep out of the way, let him contact me when he needs to talk or needs a break. She has lots of family in the area, they have a network of friends, they both have a lot of support.
 
Today is Wednesday, Prof texted to confirm on Sunday, but I haven't heard from him since, I did text yesterday as I will have the kids. A case of quiet night with tv or cancel. No response. I can only imagine what is going on, none of it good.

Kip, I won't be seeing until Friday. I have taken some time off Friday morning because of the concert and the fact I am frazzled.

New Guy, will be seeing at the concert tomorrow and maybe over the weekend. the dude has free weekends! A man with weekends, it could be crunch time with the other 2.

I had another weekend with virtually no contact from Kip or Prof, I am secondary :( While that has been ok for a while, the weekend thing never has been. So while it is early days with new guy, what is on offer is more aligned with what I want and get from the other 2. I think I want to give it a go.

Very thought provoking initial post from "Shipwrecked" about polyships. Made me have a real think.

No sudden moves yet, I am not all caught up in NRE, but definitely open to the possibility of change. I want to go out and have fun, no rules, no restrictions, just organize something and go.
 
The concert was fabulous, he played a 3 hour set. I was so moved by the music. Simply wonderful. I was very glad I took the morning off work as I didn't get back to 1:30 am.

New guy is fun to hang out with, he did make a few comments about not usually dating "tall skinny" girls, he likes them "chubby and short". Fabulous :rolleyes:3 of them. I get we all have a preferred type, but do we need to point out how the other person does not fit into that!

New guy loves to text. He is very good at it, very sweet, full of compliments, totally highlighted how crap I am at expressing myself.

Apropos of this...Prof came round Wednesday. Said lots of sweet complimentary things, I replied with yes, very kind and thank-you. Thought about it after he left, and sent a text saying I found him very attractive, considered out time together important and special too, and that I should have said so at the time.

I am so lacking in this skill. I am good at verbally praising and being appreciative of acts and behaviours, but terribly poor at the general physical and personality type compliments. I understand that people like them, I like to hear them! But find it hard to spontaneously come out with similar.
Funny how dating highlights the flaws.

Prof has found himself a job to do with S. It is connected with one area of his research and could genuinely help. I am glad he has found a focus for his energy and mind. He is a solutions based person and needs to be constructive. I saw a difference in him on Weds, a bit more positive.
I do wonder at the lack of interaction between us between meetings.

Dirtclustit necroed an old post from a tertiary struggling with the commitments of her 2 BFs who were in existing primary type relationships. Much thought on this and the replies.

I don't really feel an much of an emotional connection to Prof. I am forever contemplating breaking up with him. I feel somewhat duped with the rules, and being told that they were working at relaxing them and removing a few. It hasn't happened and is not likely too at this point. I don't think trying to renegotiate is an option at this time either. So I it let it drag on. Of course the whole situation with S means I feel like breaking up with him right now would be doubly hurtful. I like him, enjoy his company, he says I am important to him and our time is special. I think I don't feel and have never felt that he would be there for me if I needed him. His responsibility is to S first.

Funny that Kip is in the same situation, but I do feel like he would make time for me in a crisis, as long as it was Monday-Friday 8-5:50.:rolleyes: I know I could call him after hours if I needed to. I have never felt that with Prof.
Maybe I could talk to him, but again feel that it was adding a burden to an already overloaded person.

And I have noticed the connection with my lack of communication and not having needs met. The man is not psychic. I will say something this week, "there is no try, only do or do not." Yoda.

Kip is very interested in New Guy, firmly in the camp of not telling him about him and Prof until he asks. Kip said he is happy to wait on the sidelines if I want to pursue in a mono style, laughing hysterically was the implication. He thinks there is no way one man will keep me happy. Yo and Prof have also said the same.

But interesting view from the couple-centric side of the fence. Kip does not want me to have anal with new guy, said my "ass is his". As we are nowhere near that point I avoided answering, haven't even got naked yet. Haven't talked STD status. More conversation needed. Argh, any conversation needed.
I need to take a communication class, this is really getting pathetic.
 
Operation Share More...
Going slowly....
Kip: I really love holding you and being together.
Me:
Kip: This has become the most special part of being together.
Me:
Kip:Is this ok for you? Are you comfortable? I know cuddling is not your favorite thing.
Me:yes
Moments later after remembering to this weeks "share more" goal..Me: me too

I tried texting Prof about the lack of connection thing, got as far as...I think we don't have much of a connection outside of meeting time. Then got distracted by smut :p

Add to this, I was giving my neighbour a ride. He doesn't drive so I often give him a ride to the bus station and appointments.

He vented all the way to the bus station, and said you are the best free psychiatrist, you listen and never say much.

On the plus side, I am good listener.
 
Had a bit of chat of a chat with Prof about the emotional connection thing. He said he has heard that before, out of sight is out of mind and doesn't communicate regularly with anyone outside of things he has to do for work.
He said I should call him if i needed him but the implication was not to if he couldn't help in a practical way. He added that he enjoyed the fact I was relatively drama free as he has more than enough with S right now.
We had a super fun play session on Tuesday and quiet night Weds. He should have mentioned that we see each other in the flash quite a lot. I was thinking that later. I see him more than anyone else apart from one work person!


I also asked him what he wanted to know about my seeing other people, he nothing apart from condom use. Was a bit surprised that I had been seeing someone else apart from Kip.

Kip wants to know all the juicy details, not that there are any at this point. He was asking all sorts of questions and there was a hint of jealousy, I thought. One one hand he is happy I am having fun on the hand not so happy it is with a man. But I did clarify that he wants to be told what is going on.

So one tell wants me to tell all, one tell nothing.

I have a date with new guy tonight, sex is not the table but a nice restaurant and a drink is.

I don't think we can actually get naked time until December. It's nice to go slowly.

Work friend thinks I should do 50's dating and not tell him about the other 2 until he asks. Do not assume exclusivity until it is discussed. He thinks I should not make the other a 2 a priority as I am not a priority for them.
 
I broke up with new guy last night.
I told him we could go out for a wee bit Tuesday and then a late night Saturday. But when I felt it was time for me to go he started asking the why questions. Why are you leaving? Why can't your parents look after the kids in the morning? Not the first time we have had this conversation, every time I have to go he starts on about it. "Can't you just pay the sitter double time and stay out later?"

We had a nice smooch in the parking lot and then when I am home he sends me a text about not "attacking" him enough. Apparently I should have been more over him in public. I already told him I not into huge grope sessions in public.

Plus he lives with his mum and has no intention of moving of moving out, he sleeps on the couch in the living room. While I think it is great he is taking care of his mum, I am not doing all the hosting around at my place. I dated some one before who lived with his mother to take care of her, So he was always round and my place, with the dog, ( such a sweetie but this is not a huge apartment) demolishing the contents of the fridge and wanting to watch tv.

The red flags were waving for a while but I really liked him.
I did the bad thing and broke up by text. It was after 12 and everyone here was asleep. He sent some mean texts, said I was leading him on, he adored me and I was cruel to him, he is devastated and I am a terrible communicator. This was date #5.

I feel bad. I really do. I simply cannot be what he is looking for. Late nights, flexible schedule, sleep over host and unrestrained in public.

I am so tired today, very down, I snapped at mum and she got all upset. She was telling me that I need to be more on top of cleaning out the fridge. I was very sorry, she was only trying to care. I already felt like a failure.

I have to get ready to meet Prof. At least he lets me to go to sleep when I am tired and then potters about doing his own thing. Never complained once.

This is what dating is about, no? You meet, go out a few times and then come to the point where you think things will work out or things will not. Someone's feelings get hurt if they aren't on the same page. I feel like a heel. But better now than later, no?
 
Very fun night with Prof.
We had a lot of communication type talking, if that makes sense. Discussing how we communicate. He pointed out that I am an "initiator" I ask questions, am a positive listener, but rarely say, "I need to discuss something." All my training has been as a receiver of information and reflecting, not actually putting my own thoughts out there.

S has has asked him to shut down adding new partners or dating for the time being. I must admit I thought that would include shutting down me too. I didn't actually ask if that had been discussed. But am pleased that we are still ok.

I do appreciate how flexible he is and understanding about the ex, who is still couch surfing and not taking the kids.

Also, I feel asleep at about 11:30. I asked him if it ever bothers him that I struggle to stay up late. He said no, as we usually have long play sessions, we tend to start that earlier and then do dinner or what not after. Works fine for him, then he also gets time to catch up work stuff and watch me sleep :) And I wake up early and want morning sex, which he loves.

Prof has me, and infrequent partner "L". That is it for now.
He asked me what I told my parents about my relationships. I said I am seeing 2 people who also have other partners. They haven't really asked much, which is unusual but a bit of a relief.

Kip and I have IMing as per usual. It is weird not having seen him for nearly 2 weeks.
I decided to not be a slave to scheduling for a few days, he thought I was smoking crack , it was funny seeing him push for me to plan. I am stuck until I know what the ex is doing. Paying for the extra daycare would be crippling again, so I am not rushing to book that until i know more. That means I can't schedule in Kip, so why stress it for a few days? Apparently that is out of character for me.:rolleyes:

I did sit and think about the crazy scheduling and I have only been like this since the kids started school. There are too many activities to not keep organized, such is singelish mummy life.
 
I am seeing Kip tomorrow, taking the afternoon off. We both think it would be nice to reconnect with a longer block of time. We have been IMing regularly but it is not the same as face-to-face time.

Prof came round last night to meet the parents, he picked me up and took me out. He bought a couple of bourbons round to my place to try, which dad enjoyed.

The ED issue occurred again. We have discussed it a little on previous occasions, stress, lack of food etc he is on meds and has been for a while. I didn't want to talk about it again. I get that it happens, but I do find it disappointing.

I removed Yo from my sig. We were supposed to meet last week for lunch. I gave him a ping the week before but couldn't be bothered to chase him up again. I am happy to see him when it suits but not going to put much effort into. There is no chance I would reconnect on a FWB basis.
 
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Bittersweet meeting with Kip today, lots of good play time, then the news that is he is away for nearly 2 weeks over Xmas and New Year. So we will only get to see each other for a few more hours before he is away. It was a funny conversation, he asked about Prof which he rarely does. It was so out of character that I asked if he was feeling jealous. He said not jealous that Prof is seeing me but jealous of the time that he has with me. It was bit sad really.
I asked again if we could play tennis and he said no, he didn't want to waste time like that.He explained the time we have is so limited that he simply wants to be with me. Time, time, time. He even cancelled a golf game to make today happen. I was flattered in the extreme :D
Much of the conversation was about time. My schedule is jammed for the next few weeks. I am soooooo glad I am not taking a class over December, smart move. But jammed schedule+plus couch surfing ex means we won't be able to see each other much. :(
I was touched that he expressed dissatisfaction with the amount of time. He is usually is more laid back with a "We will make it work," attitude. For him to actually say he was jealous over time is quite a big thing.
 
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