Starting out - potential everywhere? (Poly & Bi question)

BrianneGoddess

New member
So my poly life seems to be starting up in earnest now. I've been on a couple of dates with people I met online...

My question is: Is it normal to contemplate relationships with good friends who are supportive of my poly lifestyle choice? Both those who identify as actually poly and those who are open to the idea?

For me its coloured by my new acceptance of myself as bisexual too and I'm trying hard not to let that be an excuse for suddenly acknowledging attraction to many of my friends. I understand that I do not have to act on every attraction.

I'm just wondering if it's normal to feel the friendship affection growing so easily into attraction now that I've "given myself permission" (in a nutshell) to accept all my feelings. And for several friends at the same time.
 
For me it's not only normal but preferred. Every person I dated seriously was always a friend first. Blind dates with strangers -- did not work out so hot. With friends I knew going in I had some things in common already.

You can have be your preference be whatever you want.

Galagirl
 
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I'm just wondering if it's normal to feel the friendship affection growing so easily into attraction now that I've "given myself permission" (in a nutshell) to accept all my feelings. And for several friends at the same time.

You're asking on a poly forum if this is normal? Yes, it's normal. ;)
 
Hi BrianneGoddess,

Re (from OP):
"My question is: Is it normal to contemplate relationships with good friends who are supportive of my poly lifestyle choice? both those who identify as actually poly and those who are open to the idea?"

Sure ... it's okay, and normal. (Says I)
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
haha - I love you guys! The validation that my new normal is totally okay is just what I needed to remind myself of why I chose to acknowledge this desire to love more in the first place. :)

And it does make sense GalaGirl - my close friends are people I share connections with already, affection growing from there seems so natural as the next step in our friendship.

LOL FallenAngelina - touche haha

nycindie, Kevin T - I so like this normal. it feels]/i] so natural - my normal I guess!
 
I would examine each of those friendships with a potential relationship in mind. Think about the individual people involved. Think to yourself, "if we had a relationship, and things went sideways, what would likely happen with this person?"

Would you simply decide that a romantic or sexual relationship isn't the best idea for you both and go back to being friends?

Would there be lots of drama?

Would you lose your friend?

A lot of that just depends on how you and they operate as human beings. Some people can move on as friends and some can't. I've declined intimate opportunities because I could sense and tell that the person would get very attached and would be extremely hurt if it didn't work out, and I preferred to keep the friendship as it was. And I'm doing my best now to only involve myself with mature and easygoing (low drama) people, and I strongly believe that if our life choices took us in different directions, we'd still be friends. That is important to me.

And of course there are layers to relationships that can keep things relatively chill or bring opportunities for friction. Living together is probably the biggest one in my own opinion...and I refuse to do that at all. I'm too much of a control freak, and I put up with things that make me angry and lose respect for people when they don't live up to my standards. Cohabitation is just problematic in my world. So I'm avoiding that. But I've had friendships get absolutely destroyed by just trying to be roommates before, no relationship involved. So...that's a whole other animal. Needs to be thought of separately. Will any of these people have a strong need or desire to hop on that escalator and eventually cohabitate? Will you? That whole "this relationship is going nowhere" thing?

So I'd say, "yes it's normal" but I'd also advise to carefully think it through before you take action.
 
So my poly life seems to be starting up in earnest now. I've been on a couple of dates with people I met online...

My question is: Is it normal to contemplate relationships with good friends who are supportive of my poly lifestyle choice? Both those who identify as actually poly and those who are open to the idea?

For me its coloured by my new acceptance of myself as bisexual too and I'm trying hard not to let that be an excuse for suddenly acknowledging attraction to many of my friends. I understand that I do not have to act on every attraction.

I'm just wondering if it's normal to feel the friendship affection growing so easily into attraction now that I've "given myself permission" (in a nutshell) to accept all my feelings. And for several friends at the same time.

"Normal" is a loaded word, and I think largely meaningless. Feelings are feelings, and it's not surprising that you are attracted to those close to you who are supportive. It's worth taking a step back and looking at the "why" of those attractions before you pursue them, though. Others have made really good points about friends and relationships, so I'll leave that there and move on to a few other points.

-You likely feel safe with these people, which can naturally and easily make them the objects an attraction that is otherwise new and a bit scary to you (poly and bi). That isn't to say it's not genuine attraction--some of them may be--but, some of the attraction to them may be the safety and acceptance, rather than compatibility and attraction. Only you can know this, of course, I just wanted to bring up that it can happen, kind of like first crushes for many adolescents are teachers.

-I am supportive of many lifestyles, and identify as bi and relationship-flexible. That's caused some issues in the past with friends or new acquaintances assuming that, because I am supportive of them and/or identify in a way that they like, I must be open/interested in a relationship of whatever kind with them. Which, at least for me, is far from accurate (I am attracted to very, very few people of either sex, for example). In a dating pool that is already constricted (bi/LBGT/poly/etc), it's easy to get caught in the "Hey, we're both X, so...relationship!" trap. It's caused some very uncomfortable situations. So, before pursuing your supportive friends, try and take a step back and look at whether they're giving you signals of mutual attraction, or just being supportive. It's very possible, of course, that they are also attracted to you! It's just worth taking a breather and looking at it a bit more objectively.

All that said, some of my best relationships have been, unsurprisingly, with people I knew on some level before romance developed. Let us know how it goes!
 
Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful words! I gathered a lot of insight here.

And the words and advice here have helped me better sift through my emotions and feelings and realise which is actual attraction and which is just close friendship. Thank you GreenAcres for this!)

Spork speaks the truth - a lovely friend who is also Bi and poly has been talking to me, supporting me through the emotional minefield of recovery from my sadness and being there to have me bounce ideas and questions off.

And now her and I have developed into a new and starting relationship. we are on the same page with everything about this. her husband is supportive and accepting. (so so amazing!) and I think my husband is working hard on learning to accept things.

I'm so happy right now. Things are fun and light and easy going and I'm just having a great time getting to know her better. I can't wait to see her again. (hehe)

It's good :) NO DRAMA!! yay for that :D
 
IME, BrianneGoddess, reread EVERY WORD of what Spork says above. :eek: You seem to have just said, "Wow, Spork's advice is so totally awesome & dead-on accurate, so I'm gonna hop in the sack with my BFF because our husbands are cool with it."

You should ALWAYS be wary of the relationship escalator: behaving as though this much is working out great, so let's go ahead & pile MORE expectations on it.

It's a manifestation of "the Peter Principle" in management: great managers get pushed up higher & higher until the new jobs exceeds their abilities, & there they sit for the rest of their career, like a partially clogged drain -- slowing things down, but not badly enough to be fixed.

What if you were to data-dump your fleeting fantasies on a friend in full Technicolor glory? Do you see where this might chase away someone who's perfectly comfy in the present situation? And let's say it all sounds like a mutual whee, you f*ck like weasels... then one of you doesn't particularly feel like doing it again -- will this NOT throw a wobble into your friendship?
________________

Also, words both indicate how we think, & affect the way we are able to think. You're thinking about "relationships with good friends" -- is friendship somehow NOT a relationship? :confused:

And what exactly do you mean by "friend"? Someone you trust with your checkbook & credit cards (or at least your life)? Someone you met a few hours ago & really enjoyed chatting with?
________________

IME, most people who wave the "NO DRAMA" flag tend to be the biggest Drama Queens in the room. (One with that flag five times in her user profile apparently had a life that was one self-created "accident" after another.) Those DQs who fare best are aware of their tendency.

Okay, so I'm a Drama Queen myself -- I haven't done theatre since college, but I write stuff & play in rock bands. So long as it's a performance, not somehow straight-faced Reality, then (IMNSHO) there's nothing wrong with lots of dramatic flourishes.

However, most "drama" I've witnessed is better characterized as cheap melodrama,
in which the plot, which is typically sensational and designed to appeal strongly to the emotions, takes precedence over detailed characterization. Characters are often simply drawn, and may appear stereotyped.
Someone utters the standardized meme, unpacks the usual tropes, foreboding music plays to tell us what's about to happen, & despite everyone knowing the preordained conclusion, they all cheer the hero & hiss the villain, & wonder if maybe the denouement will be somewhat original.
 
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... And let's say it all sounds like a mutual whee, you f*ck like weasels...

These words filled my mind with effervescent giggle stuff. Thank you.

I'm not going to assume that the escalation of this(these?) friendship(s?) is a bad thing. I just wanted to put some thinking points out there for her to kind of run some mental scenario filters before she jumped in. If she feels that things check out, hey...by all means. Nothing wrong with a relationship with a friendship for a foundation.

Regarding drama... I'm one that will say that I'm a "no drama" kind of gal, but actually it's more like I endeavor to be. I definitely don't explode into hysterics or high emotion easily like some people I know. In fact many people have told me that I'm one of the most emotionally stable and mellow people they have ever known. Friend after friend has called me, "a rock." The problem I've got though, is that I let people into my life sometimes, that I should not. And I'm working on this. I'm too forgiving and have a tendency to martyr myself, having ridiculous expectations of myself and trying too hard to "own" (take responsibility for) everything I touch in life, while not "imposing" expectations on other people.

So when I say "no drama" I'm both referring to the fact that no one will ever see me throw a fit, because I don't ever, and I don't drink or do drugs, and the fact that I'm deliberately trying to keep people out of my inner circle who have the kind of drama going on that can harm me. A friend of mine, I hooked up with once, is lonely and wants a relationship very much. I cannot consider it. He has serious medical problems, his car just quit working, he lost his job, he needs a new place to live...his entire life is complete chaos right now. I don't have the resources to take on a rescue case, I just don't. While that seems superficial to me, to judge someone I like a lot based on such factors...I've learned the hard way that sometimes you just have to. Especially if your budget is as tight as mine already is. I'd be stuck in a perpetual state of "I hate to watch you suffer and want so badly to help, but I can't." And I saw the aftermath of his last breakup...a rift in his entire social circle, and deep emotional injury for him...and I know that if I'd dated him and it went badly there would be social repurcussions I don't want. So we are just friends, still friends, if not super super close friends.

That is conscious drama avoidance. Another valid question for friends considering romance would be: "Do we have mutual friends who, in the event of a breakup, would feel a need to choose sides or be put in awkward positions?"

Anyhow. As long as it's well thought out, that's all I'm sayin'... :)
 
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