Dealing with Feelings

yoyomatso

New member
Hello community friends. I'm new to polyamory. My partner and I had been together for 8 years before opening up to poly. We joined OKC. She immediately got an influx of messages from guys. I hear that is common for women. However, for me, I didn't get any replys back. (not so great for my self-esteem). So she started dating a few guys while I've been stuck in the wings.

I've gone on a double date with her and another couple, which was fun. She recently had sex with a guy on their first date. Then the next night, another guy came over to our house to hang out.

I'm struggling with my feelings. I feel a little left behind. I feel like a third wheel on her dating extravaganza. I can deal with her having sex with someone else, but at the same time I have insecure thoughts. "Is she comparing me to him? Was it better? Why has she never wanted to be with me in a public place, but she will with a stranger?"

It seems to be easier to hear that she had a good time on a date, than actually being there on the date and seeing her flirt and kiss on someone else. I want to be the center of attention when I'm with her, and I don't get that when she has a date around.

I'm not sure if any of those feelings will change once I am able to meet someone else. I understand her desire to give love to men that she adores. I want to give love to women that I find special. I hope that once I'm able to do that, I will be more open to seeing her give and receive love with others. Right now, I just feel secluded.
 
From what I understand, this is a common thing when opening up a relationship. Do you have to go on dates with her? I go on dates without my husband because it makes getting to know someone else easier.

Anyway, I really think you should talk to her about all this. These feelings can cause a huge void in your relationship and the longer they go unaddressed, the worse damage it could do.
 
Yeah, even if you are not the jealous or envious type it can be hard to deal with someone close to you getting something easily when you can't get it at all. Career advancements, friends, or skills, can be just as sensitive areas as dates/relationships if one partner is getting more than the other. You seem to be handling it pretty well though.

If you search around here I remember reading more than one thread advising how to write your OKC profile so as to appeal to the kind of people you want to meet, also advice on how to message people to increase your chances of getting a reply.

Mainly what helps is patience and making sure your life is otherwise full of satisfying activities. If double dating or hanging out with your partner and her dates is not satisfying at this time be sure to tell your partner. You may never get comfortable doing that and that is OK. It is just a personality thing.

Have you looked elsewhere than on OKC? There are polyamory meet up groups in many areas where you could go and make friends. Also I'm told there are dating sites that focus on non-standard relationships, some people here recommend FetLife even if you are not particularly into kink as the people there are very open to alternative lifestyles.

Leetah
 
Hi yoyomatso,

I don't know if I'm reading this right, but it sounds like you never get to date alone with your partner, instead you are along for the ride when she dates other guys. If so, that is a problem. I am thinking you'd be better off declining to join her for these dates with other guys; instead let her know that you need her to date you by yourself.

You'll need to be very patient with OKC, it works much faster for women than it does for men. If you can find a local poly group in your area that might at least give you an opportunity to meet some people in person. Friendships can form, and then eventually some friendships can grow into something more.

Anyway those are some of my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey, Thanks for the responses.

I will be talking with her soon about my feelings. She has gone on some dates alone. I've only been on a couple of double dates with her. A situation where her date also brings their significant other. Of course we have been on many dates in the past by ourselves. But the other day when she had a guy come over, I just felt awkward. I think part of it is jealousy. Part of it is envy. Part of it is insecurities.

I'll try googling for some poly meet up groups in my area. I tried joining FetLife, but after signing up it said it sent me an email that I never received. I checked my spam folder, and nothing.

For my own dating experiences, I tried Tinder. I didn't get one single match. I'm considering POF, but I don't know if I like online profile dating. My experience with OKC and Tinder has been nil. I've searched on Craigslist, but that seems to be a lot of people just wanting a quickie. All I can do is be patient. Since I haven't really dated anyone else in the past 8 years, I've kind of lost my charisma for flirting with other women.

Thanks again.
 
My experience and impression is that most poly people do not hang out with their partners while on dates. Threesome and foursome dating is very rare. You certainly can be poly and let your parter go out without you. Having people over to your place is also very optional. You seem to be pressuring yourself to be cool with seeing her with other lovers.
 
My experience with OKC and Tinder has been nil.

I highly recommend that you ask for feedback on your profile. Yes, poly women in general have a much easier time than poly men, but gather impressions about what you're putting out there. A lot of people say that they have "no luck" with online dating when their profile and messaging skills could use a good sprucing up. If you want us to take a look at your profile, let us know. A few of us women are on OKC and we'll offer valuable feedback about how you're presenting yourself.
 
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