Here I am New here and New to Open Marriage

Open

New member
Hi,

Im 28 and me and my husband have been married for 7 years and we recently decided to attempt an open marriage.

I guess I am looking for stories. People that are in my spot. I feel kind of alone in this because its not something we have talked about outside of possible people to "date" for a better lack of words. My actual friends don't know anything about us.

It was my husbands idea and it is was more my husbands idea. and a little one sided right now with him being more active than I.
 
Welcome! Just a little looking around here will show you many posts from people in similar situations. Use the Advanced Search option for more specific searches. The Stories and Blogs" area has people describing their longer term experiences in and out of polyamory. If you have specific questions you can ask people for their thoughts in the Relationships area. Lots of viewpoints here so chances are you will find information and advice that will help.

Leetah
 
It's hard when you feel you have no one to confide in in your day to day life. For me, I felt a lot better when I started being more open with my friends. For me, hiding was not an option, and I certainly didn't want people to think I or my partner was cheating on the other if we were seen out and about on dates with other people. I don't necessarily go out of my way to tell everyone, but my closest friends know and it makes a huge difference. How else are you expected to meet people if the whole world thinks you are off the market?

You mention that at the moment things are a bit one-sided with your husband getting more dates than you. Are there any practical reasons for that? Do you guys have kids that you tend to spend the bulk of your time with? Does he work somewhere where he meets lots of people? Sometimes you need to look at the big picture when opening up a relationship - it's not always enough just to say 'well, we're both free to date so let's get on with it', but sometimes you need to work together to grant each other equal opportunities to date and make connections. It's unlikely to ever be exactly equal between you all at any given point in time, so if you are wrestling with feelings of envy, then know that that is often quite normal. As long as you are getting the chance to put yourself out there and meet others then it helps. If there's a deeper imbalance at play, then it's easy to become frustrated and resentful.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. I too opened up my relationship at my partner's request (although I had been in open relationships before), and I remember in the beginning that it was all a bit of a struggle since I had no one in particular 'on my radar' so to speak, and would have been happy with just the one relationship. After a while I did find lots of reasons to stay in a poly relationship for myself though, and it became less about doing this for her happiness and more for my own. I think that's really important. It needs to work for everyone involved, so if it isn't, then don't be afraid to speak out!
 
Greetings Open,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Definitely explore our Life stories and blogs, you will find a lot of the kind of thing you are looking for. There's also a book you may find helpful, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.

Hopefully that helps for starters. Let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
It's hard when you feel you have no one to confide in in your day to day life. For me, I felt a lot better when I started being more open with my friends. For me, hiding was not an option, and I certainly didn't want people to think I or my partner was cheating on the other if we were seen out and about on dates with other people. I don't necessarily go out of my way to tell everyone, but my closest friends know and it makes a huge difference. How else are you expected to meet people if the whole world thinks you are off the market?

You mention that at the moment things are a bit one-sided with your husband getting more dates than you. Are there any practical reasons for that? Do you guys have kids that you tend to spend the bulk of your time with? Does he work somewhere where he meets lots of people? Sometimes you need to look at the big picture when opening up a relationship - it's not always enough just to say 'well, we're both free to date so let's get on with it', but sometimes you need to work together to grant each other equal opportunities to date and make connections. It's unlikely to ever be exactly equal between you all at any given point in time, so if you are wrestling with feelings of envy, then know that that is often quite normal. As long as you are getting the chance to put yourself out there and meet others then it helps. If there's a deeper imbalance at play, then it's easy to become frustrated and resentful.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. I too opened up my relationship at my partner's request (although I had been in open relationships before), and I remember in the beginning that it was all a bit of a struggle since I had no one in particular 'on my radar' so to speak, and would have been happy with just the one relationship. After a while I did find lots of reasons to stay in a poly relationship for myself though, and it became less about doing this for her happiness and more for my own. I think that's really important. It needs to work for everyone involved, so if it isn't, then don't be afraid to speak out!



Pregnant so while I could talk to people we agreed Nothing else till after baby
 
Pregnant so while I could talk to people we agreed Nothing else till after baby

Am I reading correctly that he's dating while you're pregnant, but you're not (I get the not having sex with anyone else, given the issues with possible STDs and a developing fetus, but why no kissing or anything--it's going to be difficult to find a person who doesn't want physical contact with someone they're dating)? Am I also reading that it was "his idea" to open, while you're pregnant, and you're not totally on board with it?

And, what is going to happen once you have the baby? We see a lot of stories like this, unfortunately. If you do a search, you'll see many stories of men who decide that opening the marriage while their wife/partner is pregnant and/or there are babies to be taken care of is a good idea. It's not. In any way. It's a terrible idea on so many levels it's hard to even detail all of them.

Opening your marriage now is not something most poly people would encourage or recommend. Many people who are already poly close or stop taking on new partners during early-childhood rearing--it's simply too time-consumptive and energy draining.

You both need to slow down.There's no fire. You can open later, when you're not pregnant and/or rearing a baby/toddler, and there is more energy for stress management (and opening will be stressful, that's just how it works).
 
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We actually opened prior to me getting pregnant we had just left it open. He had a girl that had moved away shortly after getting pregnant and has been really just us till recently now their is a potential new thing but she wants us both involved....


It's good to know how other ploys do it though. I do feel like a fish out of water not knowing if others do things anything like we are attempting
 
There isn't a one right way to do this, but given that you're not enthusiastic, and you are on the verge of having a high-intensity, high-needs new member of your family, I want to make really sure you know that you don't have to agree to open your marriage under any circumstances. If you think it sounds good, absolutely! But even if you generally thought that, now might not be a great time.
 
We actually opened prior to me getting pregnant. We had just left it open. He had a girl who moved away shortly after I got pregnant. It has been really just us till recently. Now there is a potential new thing. But she wants us both involved.

This sounds all about what your h wants, and now what his new potential gf wants (both of you!). What do YOU want?


I feel like a fish out of water not knowing if others do anything like we are attempting

Married couples with kids do do poly. But it's a huge learning curve while daddy and mommy should be focusing on the new baby. This sounds like trouble.
 
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