Thursday when I saw S2, things felt really off. He knew what time I was going to get there, but when I arrived, he wasn't home. A few minutes later, he texted me to ask when I was going to "stop by" and I told him I was sitting in his driveway. He was out running a few errands; he came back, picked me up, and took me out to dinner before finishing his errands, which was nice.
But it felt off, like I said. Hard to explain, but it isn't like him to forget things like what time I'm supposed to show up at his house. And the "stop by" thing still gets to me even though I know it's his manner of phrasing and not meant to imply that it's just a casual visit.
I had almost decided not to even go to his place because I had such a strong sense of "something isn't right here." I'm glad I went; I did manage to enjoy most of the time with him. But I haven't been able to shake that sense, even now.
It sounds stupid as I type it, but I've gotten it stuck in my head, based on a few things, that he's either found someone else he plans to start seeing or is now actively looking for someone else. I'm probably way off; it's probably depression fucking with me again. But as I said, the belief is based on a few external factors, not just me sitting here thinking it.
Our agreement is that if he sees someone else, he tells me. He doesn't have unprotected sex with anyone else until sexual health has been established, and he doesn't EVER cancel plans with me to see someone else. The way he's talked about the possibility or not of seeing others ever since he had that one date back in September implies that he considers me his primary.
All well and good, I guess... but when I really stop and think about it, I don't know if I'd be able to handle him seeing someone else. It's completely fear-based.
He can't tell anyone at work, or most of his friends or family members, the whole truth about our relationship. His workplace is ultra-conservative, and while they couldn't fire him solely because of his involvement with me, they could keep it in mind as a factor in considering his "job performance." He worries that his friends wouldn't understand, and he's already dealing with family drama because of his wife coming out as a lesbian, and he doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. Many of his friends, and the family members he speaks to most frequently, do know he's seeing me, but only one friend knows the whole situation, i.e. the fact that I'm married and polyamorous.
I'm afraid if he started seeing someone else, she would be single, and would therefore be someone he could talk about, and even introduce, to his friends and family.
And because of the relationship status, I'm also afraid if he started seeing someone else and she was single, that he would decide he wants exclusivity with her because that's something she would be able to give him, whereas I can't. I can be closed with him and Hubby, but I can't be with only S2.
I have talked to him about that latter fear, and he's said that right now, he doesn't want complete exclusivity, but people and their wants and needs change over time. Despite what he's said when I've brought it up, I'm still afraid that once his emotional wounds from his divorce have healed, he'll decide he wants to be monogamous again.
I'm well aware of my mental health issues. Even though I've so far managed to mostly keep them quiet and controlled around S2 (that's pretty much the only benefit of only being able to see him 2-3 times a week), he has seen me at a low point. I'm afraid if he started seeing someone else, she wouldn't be as fucked up as I am and would be easier for him to deal with, so he wouldn't want to be with me anymore.
And, along with all that... If he starts seeing someone else, I'm afraid she might turn out to be a cowgirl. S2 and I aren't in a deeply committed relationship, but a lot of the women I know (who are on the site S2 would be likely to meet someone else through) wouldn't be very happy or tolerant for long of being "one of two" in a guy's life. S2 has a good sense of people, and he isn't ignorant or oblivious by a long shot, so I doubt he would be easily manipulated. But anything's possible.
Because of my issues and my past, it is very hard for me to trust anyone fully. It's hard for me to trust most people at all, to be honest. And because of everything, for me it isn't so much a matter of wondering *if* I'll get hurt by someone in my life; it's a matter of wondering *when*. Because everyone in my life whom I've trusted to the extent of letting them past the friendship line and into my heart has hurt me. I want to believe S2 won't. He hasn't done anything so far that gives me a reason to believe he will. But I'm still just bracing myself and waiting for him to hurt me.
Ugh. My brain is a really shitty place to live sometimes...
But it felt off, like I said. Hard to explain, but it isn't like him to forget things like what time I'm supposed to show up at his house. And the "stop by" thing still gets to me even though I know it's his manner of phrasing and not meant to imply that it's just a casual visit.
I had almost decided not to even go to his place because I had such a strong sense of "something isn't right here." I'm glad I went; I did manage to enjoy most of the time with him. But I haven't been able to shake that sense, even now.
It sounds stupid as I type it, but I've gotten it stuck in my head, based on a few things, that he's either found someone else he plans to start seeing or is now actively looking for someone else. I'm probably way off; it's probably depression fucking with me again. But as I said, the belief is based on a few external factors, not just me sitting here thinking it.
Our agreement is that if he sees someone else, he tells me. He doesn't have unprotected sex with anyone else until sexual health has been established, and he doesn't EVER cancel plans with me to see someone else. The way he's talked about the possibility or not of seeing others ever since he had that one date back in September implies that he considers me his primary.
All well and good, I guess... but when I really stop and think about it, I don't know if I'd be able to handle him seeing someone else. It's completely fear-based.
He can't tell anyone at work, or most of his friends or family members, the whole truth about our relationship. His workplace is ultra-conservative, and while they couldn't fire him solely because of his involvement with me, they could keep it in mind as a factor in considering his "job performance." He worries that his friends wouldn't understand, and he's already dealing with family drama because of his wife coming out as a lesbian, and he doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. Many of his friends, and the family members he speaks to most frequently, do know he's seeing me, but only one friend knows the whole situation, i.e. the fact that I'm married and polyamorous.
I'm afraid if he started seeing someone else, she would be single, and would therefore be someone he could talk about, and even introduce, to his friends and family.
And because of the relationship status, I'm also afraid if he started seeing someone else and she was single, that he would decide he wants exclusivity with her because that's something she would be able to give him, whereas I can't. I can be closed with him and Hubby, but I can't be with only S2.
I have talked to him about that latter fear, and he's said that right now, he doesn't want complete exclusivity, but people and their wants and needs change over time. Despite what he's said when I've brought it up, I'm still afraid that once his emotional wounds from his divorce have healed, he'll decide he wants to be monogamous again.
I'm well aware of my mental health issues. Even though I've so far managed to mostly keep them quiet and controlled around S2 (that's pretty much the only benefit of only being able to see him 2-3 times a week), he has seen me at a low point. I'm afraid if he started seeing someone else, she wouldn't be as fucked up as I am and would be easier for him to deal with, so he wouldn't want to be with me anymore.
And, along with all that... If he starts seeing someone else, I'm afraid she might turn out to be a cowgirl. S2 and I aren't in a deeply committed relationship, but a lot of the women I know (who are on the site S2 would be likely to meet someone else through) wouldn't be very happy or tolerant for long of being "one of two" in a guy's life. S2 has a good sense of people, and he isn't ignorant or oblivious by a long shot, so I doubt he would be easily manipulated. But anything's possible.
Because of my issues and my past, it is very hard for me to trust anyone fully. It's hard for me to trust most people at all, to be honest. And because of everything, for me it isn't so much a matter of wondering *if* I'll get hurt by someone in my life; it's a matter of wondering *when*. Because everyone in my life whom I've trusted to the extent of letting them past the friendship line and into my heart has hurt me. I want to believe S2 won't. He hasn't done anything so far that gives me a reason to believe he will. But I'm still just bracing myself and waiting for him to hurt me.
Ugh. My brain is a really shitty place to live sometimes...