So I made a minor fuck up yesterday with Boots...
We went out to our usual Thursday lunch, and were talking about my meeting Glow the other night. I said I love the way he and she look when they talk about each other, that "glowing" kind of expression, and then jokingly said I hoped someday he would look that way when he talks about me. He got really quiet, then stammered something about how it took a long time to get to that point with Glow.
I assured him I wasn't trying to push anything or insinuate my way into his life in any role other than what he's okay with, but I felt like he thought I was being too pushy. I told him if I said something that bothered him, I needed him to tell me, and he said it didn't bother him... but his reaction said otherwise, and I'm still having trouble believing someone (either him or Hubby) when they say something I do or say isn't a problem, because S2 said that about so many things and was lying.
Boots acts uncomfortable with me sometimes anyway, and I honestly don't know if I'm perceiving it wrong, or if it's because of something that has nothing to do with me personally, or if I am doing something and he doesn't want to tell me.
I don't think it's the last one. I've told him all along that if something about me is a problem for him, I want him to tell me. He knows why; he knows about S2's dishonesty and the problems it's causing for me. And I don't have any reason to believe he *wouldn't* be honest...but right now it's hard for me to trust anyone who says I'm not a problem, even Hubby, because that specifically was what S2 was the most dishonest about.
Not fucking happy with myself for letting the fallout from S2 interfere. I am working on it, and I am trying to separate my emotional reactions from my logical ones and not let the emotional ones out around Boots. He doesn't deserve to be impacted by issues someone else caused for me.
Meanwhile, in addition to our standing Thursday lunch dates, Boots and I agreed yesterday that Saturdays will be one of our regular nights, and that we'll try to have a few hours together one weeknight a week. The weeknight probably won't be the same every week; he's taking voice lessons, and the day of his lesson changes from week to week. So what I think is going to happen is he's going to schedule his voice lesson each week, then let me know which nights he has available the following week. But he did say he likes the idea of seeing me one night a week after work as well as Saturday nights.
We won't be seeing each other tomorrow, though. Shine is going to be away for the entire weekend, so Boots and Glow had already planned to spend the weekend together. Knowing how tightly Glow schedules things, I'm inclined to believe that, other than the moving, their plans for this weekend were made before I even met Boots, so I have no problem with it.
He apologized for not being able to see me tomorrow, and for not telling me sooner, and I told him that as far as I'm concerned, Glow takes priority, particularly if plans have already been made or even tentatively discussed. But I also told him that if we're going to have a regular night or two together every week, I would prefer that *I* be the priority for those nights and that he not change plans unless there's a solid reason. He looked surprised that I even thought I needed to say that; he didn't completely understand why I thought there was a possibility that he *wouldn't* make me the priority when we have plans together. (It's another piece of crap from S2; over the summer, on three occasions he bailed on plans with me that we'd made weeks or, in one case, months earlier. One of those times, he canceled an hour before I was supposed to go to his place.)
So since Boots and I aren't seeing each other tomorrow, we're getting together Monday after he gets out of work instead. I'm debating whether to bring up the discomfort I've noticed on his part; I don't want to make him feel self-conscious or like I'm being pushy or clingy or whatever, but on the other hand, if I don't ask him about it I'm going to keep wondering whether I'm doing something wrong or whether I'm seeing something that isn't even there or what.
We went out to our usual Thursday lunch, and were talking about my meeting Glow the other night. I said I love the way he and she look when they talk about each other, that "glowing" kind of expression, and then jokingly said I hoped someday he would look that way when he talks about me. He got really quiet, then stammered something about how it took a long time to get to that point with Glow.
I assured him I wasn't trying to push anything or insinuate my way into his life in any role other than what he's okay with, but I felt like he thought I was being too pushy. I told him if I said something that bothered him, I needed him to tell me, and he said it didn't bother him... but his reaction said otherwise, and I'm still having trouble believing someone (either him or Hubby) when they say something I do or say isn't a problem, because S2 said that about so many things and was lying.
Boots acts uncomfortable with me sometimes anyway, and I honestly don't know if I'm perceiving it wrong, or if it's because of something that has nothing to do with me personally, or if I am doing something and he doesn't want to tell me.
I don't think it's the last one. I've told him all along that if something about me is a problem for him, I want him to tell me. He knows why; he knows about S2's dishonesty and the problems it's causing for me. And I don't have any reason to believe he *wouldn't* be honest...but right now it's hard for me to trust anyone who says I'm not a problem, even Hubby, because that specifically was what S2 was the most dishonest about.
Not fucking happy with myself for letting the fallout from S2 interfere. I am working on it, and I am trying to separate my emotional reactions from my logical ones and not let the emotional ones out around Boots. He doesn't deserve to be impacted by issues someone else caused for me.
Meanwhile, in addition to our standing Thursday lunch dates, Boots and I agreed yesterday that Saturdays will be one of our regular nights, and that we'll try to have a few hours together one weeknight a week. The weeknight probably won't be the same every week; he's taking voice lessons, and the day of his lesson changes from week to week. So what I think is going to happen is he's going to schedule his voice lesson each week, then let me know which nights he has available the following week. But he did say he likes the idea of seeing me one night a week after work as well as Saturday nights.
We won't be seeing each other tomorrow, though. Shine is going to be away for the entire weekend, so Boots and Glow had already planned to spend the weekend together. Knowing how tightly Glow schedules things, I'm inclined to believe that, other than the moving, their plans for this weekend were made before I even met Boots, so I have no problem with it.
He apologized for not being able to see me tomorrow, and for not telling me sooner, and I told him that as far as I'm concerned, Glow takes priority, particularly if plans have already been made or even tentatively discussed. But I also told him that if we're going to have a regular night or two together every week, I would prefer that *I* be the priority for those nights and that he not change plans unless there's a solid reason. He looked surprised that I even thought I needed to say that; he didn't completely understand why I thought there was a possibility that he *wouldn't* make me the priority when we have plans together. (It's another piece of crap from S2; over the summer, on three occasions he bailed on plans with me that we'd made weeks or, in one case, months earlier. One of those times, he canceled an hour before I was supposed to go to his place.)
So since Boots and I aren't seeing each other tomorrow, we're getting together Monday after he gets out of work instead. I'm debating whether to bring up the discomfort I've noticed on his part; I don't want to make him feel self-conscious or like I'm being pushy or clingy or whatever, but on the other hand, if I don't ask him about it I'm going to keep wondering whether I'm doing something wrong or whether I'm seeing something that isn't even there or what.
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