Beginning stages or the end?

missb1129

New member
Hey there! The name is Miss B! I'm a 27 year old female in a long term mono relationship. He is 32 yearsold and we met online! He's my best friend but we have had some rough patches in our relationship.

As of now, my boyfriend and I are in a very confusing state. We were engaged but just ended it. I've moved out as well. However, we have still talked and he admitted that his frustration and moody attitudes were based that he wanted an open relationship. He's defined that he wants other sexual partners and not anything long term. Since we do love each other so much and see each other as life partners, I am wondering how we can establish this and make it work.


I also have to admit that my boyfriend and I have been through some very hard times. I have had a suicide attempt which he had took care of me after it. We were broken up for a year and then decided to try again. We had a separation for a month. All of these situations were based on his "hermit mode" and based on lack of open communication. He feels very afraid to talk and he also grew up with a family that NEVER talked about anything. I know it is hard for him but he has progressed so much that I find it unfair of me to even blow him off because of his communication skills. He has been there for me through counseling and all of my own personal demons.

We have tried swinging clubs but we never felt comfortable. I like the idea of me meeting people on my own terms and so does he. we tried meeting online for threesomes but no one was ever "real". But he addressed to me that being completely monogamous is not for him.

I feel afraid that he would leave me for someone better. He has assured me that it doesn't change his feelings for me. But where can we start even though I've
Moved out? Or should I just not even bother? We really do love each other so much.


Thanks!
 
Well, I think you should take it slow, and be open-minded about where you're going.

You've broken up with your boyfriend twice. Unless you really step back and reassess what you want and need, I think committing to try and make anything work with him is only setting the two of you up to break up a third time.

You just moved out. Now is a great time to settle in to your own space, and get really comfortable. Keep going to counseling. Don't worry about establishing anything with anyone but yourself right now.
 
I agree with BlueShoes. I am not saying that you shouldn't bother, but I think that you need to take time mull this over thoroughly and really think about what you want. Since you have just ended it and moved out, now is a perfect time for you to be introspective.

IMHO, I do not think that this sounds like a good start for an open relationship. You've mentioned that he has difficulty communicating, and open and honest communication is something that is going to be of paramount importance. Even if you get past the initial discussion of boundaries, you are going to need to check in with each other regularly to make sure that everyone is still doing okay and that those agreed upon boundaries are still acceptable.

Additionally, something you need to think about is how are you going to feel being involved in an open relationship? You haven't mentioned anything about you yourself being interested in seeking out additional partners. I am not saying that all open relationships required both parties to be taking on additional partners, but what do you foresee yourself gaining out of an open relationship? You have already said that you are concerned about him leaving you for someone better and, for myself, I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I feel like I need to always worry about that.
 
I feel afraid that he would leave me for someone better. He has assured me that it doesn't change his feelings for me. But where can we start even though I've
Moved out? Or should I just not even bother? We really do love each other so much.

I think if you've got together over and over and he assures you that he wants an open relationship and that doesn't change his feelings for you, you should give yourself a mental break and take it at face value, unless his behavior with you indicates disinterest.

It will give you space to feel grounded in your own life after moving out and do yourself and your relationship with him a world of good.

It does sound like both of you have been through a lot together and have made things work over and over. You also have broken up over and over. I am a little odd in many ways, but I think getting together and breaking up are just decisions or status updates. What you feel can't flip like a switch based on them. So I'd see this as a lot of commitment to a relationship, but also problems that make one or both of you uneasy and needing an escape.

If you want to make it work, a good idea could be to nurture yourself so that you are at your peak emotionally and work on your relationship, including seeing how there could be space for you or him to find other relationships without distress to either of you.

Men who can't talk about things are difficult. I am with one right now and am at the tail end of a rough patch between us. But I have learned with time, they do communicate their love and commitment through actions over and over, even if they aren't aware of feeling it or unable to articulate it as well as someone grounded in their emotions can. I find that very reassuring, because words can be invented, behavior cannot.

Good luck, and love yourself.
 
Hi Miss B,

I suggest you read a couple of books on open and poly:

  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
They're both really good books and will help you get an idea how to approach all these things. I recommend for both of you to read them, and see if you have any questions for us on this forum while you do.

It might also help to see if there are any local poly groups in your area. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city; something might turn up.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? Here is what pops out at me from your post. Blue is mine.
  • Because of his "hermit mode" and lack of open communication?
    • We were broken up for a year and then decided to try again.
    • Then we had a separation for a month.
    • Then we were engaged and broke that off. I moved out.
  • he admitted that his frustration and moody attitudes were based on that he wanted an open relationship. (And in all that time he never said what he wanted up front? )
  • He has progressed so much that I find it unfair of me to even blow him off because of his communication skills.

You don't have to blow him off. Just be friends and accept you two are not a match for romance.

Don't try continue a romance if you have already broken up several times and you now live separately.

He simply doesn't meet your personal standard for the level of communication you want in a romance. Maybe he meets it good enough for your personal standard for friends. You don't have to feel bad for having the personal standards you do.

He's defined that he wants other sexual partners and not anything long term

And he can have that -- without you being part of his sexual network.

Bottom line is -- if you don't like the lack of communication so much that is causes break ups repeatedly? You don't like the idea of being in his sexual network as he explores Open because you worry he will dump you later? He has gotten a little better but still not that great at communication? You could not sign up for romance with him. Much less Open romance with him.

Why go for another ride on that merry-go-round? :confused:

His being there for you in the past? Well... friends can do that. Friends can be there for you too.

That is not a reason for you to get back into a romance shape with someone you have already determined does not work for you as a romantic partner.

Or should I just not even bother? We really do love each other so much.

In my opinion? Take some time out to fully heal from the stages of grief after this latest break up.

When healed? It seems less stressful to focus on establishing separate romantic lives and being there for each other as friends. Don't keep trying to force a romance only to break up again. That's rough and you have already done it a few times with him. Don't square peg/round hole.

If you love each other, you both could let it change to a relationship shape that DOES work -- friendship. Trying to force something romantic -- that's a good way to build resentments.

Galagirl
 
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I'm going to go in a little different direction here than the others...

"The end" of what was..."The beginning" of what will be.

It seems to me that you have tried and determined that the "monogamous, co-habitating" relationship model doesn't work for your relationship. So that ends. You grieve, you heal...

BUT, the love is still there. While it is true that "Love is not enough." the question remains, enough for WHAT?

IF part of his communication issues were that he was truly not comfortable with a monogamous situation and didn't feel that he could talk to you about that for all this time...THEN, now that that barrier has been breached, maybe he can learn to actually communicate with you on an entirely different level (which will take time and practice and patience - a habit of silence is hard to break).

Once the healing and mourning of the "old" relationship are complete? For me? - that then opens up the possibilities to whatever NEW shape the relationship takes. Friends? Lover-friends? Queer-platonic friends? Occasionally romantic-friends? I have a long-time (decades-long) lover-friend that is my friend always but my lover only when the situation is right...although I can envision more in the future (or less) should that come about. It is OK with us if the "romance" part sits on the back burner and simmers while the rest of our lives play out however they will.
 
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