Bf doesn't want sex with me if I am intimate with someone else

I posted here before about a situation similar to this but I'm seriously at a loss on what to do.

I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks now. He and I want to meet and hang out. My bf spirals into a depression about this but tells me to do what makes me happy. BUT if this guy and I have sex it's possible bf may not want to have sex with me ever again. Supposedly because he can't bear the thought of me and another person being intimate. Not because he would find me unattractive or disgusting. (His wording)

How am I supposed to be happy if my happiness causes him grief and possibly destroys our sex life???
 
I am sorry you struggle. I think being up front could be best here.

Ask BF if he prefers monogamy/Closed. If he does, then you could decide if that is your preference too.

If you prefer polyamory/Open, you could accept you two are not compatible. You break up, heal, and then poly date people who also want polyamory/Open.

I can imagine it feels really hard. But the actions are pretty straight up. Find out if you guys are deeply compatible or not.

Galagirl
 
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For a starter it's great that you have been discussing all these things with your bf before doing it rather than after.

Your bf telling you he wants you to be happy is a first great step, but if you're serious about being poly, this is something that he needs to accept as something holistically, as opposed to just some isolated occurrence.

Have you spoken about poly, is this something he is aware about, and understands what it takes to live in a poly way? Educating himself about that is quite important, clearly he is very confused about how he feels regarding the situation (or you are?), given the 'it's possible he might not want to have sex with me...'.

It would help if you tried to have him articulate what it is that makes it unbearable: is he afraid to lose you? Is it out of principle? Surely you've had sex with other guys before, so in what way is having sex with that guy any different?

It is also important for you to be clear about what the potential outcome could be with that other guy: is he going to be a lover on the side, or could he become as or more important than your bf. Would you dump your bf because the other guy would not want to 'share' you with someone else? If you don't know the answers to these questions, then it is understandable that your bf, who's not even in your head, can feel terrified at the possible consequences of all this happening.
 
I had a brief look at you older threads. Please correct me if I'm wrong: You have a husband, who is ok with you seeing other people, and bf, who is not (or no longer) ok with it, may want to be monogamous and on top of it struggles with mental illness.

Sadly, I have no advice that you would like to hear for you. I seems your bf intellectually acnowledges your freedom, but emotionally he has reported where he stands: You sleeping with others might cause him not to want to sleep with you again. (My monogamous ex was that way, so that's how some people can feel.) You will have to make the decision, if you prioritize a sexual relationship with bf, or seeing other people :(
 
Polygone, we are poly. Or at least I am. I'm currently married and have been for several years before bf came along. Hubby made some booboo's a little over a year ago that suddenly set off a spark in bf. He realized that seeing me hurt like that was something he couldn't tolerate and jealousy suddenly set in. So bad to the point that even sex with my husband sets him off in to a depression. This has been going on for a while now. But due to a medical condition with my husband, we currently do not have intimacy.

We talked a little this afternoon and agreed to compromise on a few thing.

Thank you for your insight :)
 
Tinwen, yes you got it correct. I truly want a full relationship with bf. Sexual, romantic, etc. And to also keep our "Daddy/babygirl" relationship. But with the things we lack in our lives I feel like I need to seek out elsewhere so I don't torture him with it :p he sees it as him being inadequate and worthless no matter how much I tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. It's like talking to a brick wall :(
 
It's like talking to a brick wall :(

This usually indicates that there's a struggle inside of you that your partner is merely reflecting.

Talking to a brick wall means that you're trying to convince someone of something that you're not completely at ease with about yourself. If you were completely at ease in your own mind about "the things we lack in our lives I feel like I need to seek out elsewhere so I don't torture him with it" then you and he would not be locked in a struggle over them. Something would fluidly give, one way or another. The way forward is not to keep pressing him to understand or accept "the things," but for you to look inward at your own internal conflict. We think that things would be just fine if only the other person saw them our way, but it's always the other way around: things go our way with the other people in our lives when we see things just fine.

Be honest with yourself about your feelings around "the things" you're referring to.
 
Hi Daddysboogerbaby,

You mentioned that you (you and your boyfriend?) talked a little a few days ago and agreed to compromise on a few things. What things did you agree to compromise on?

It seems to me that your boyfriend has real problems in trying to support you being poly. Would you agree? You mentioned he has episodes of depression; has he seen a counselor for that?

I hope you guys can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin, I thought we compromised on me meeting other people but we ended up arguing about it again. Even if the possibility of me having intimacy with another guy is there he is turned off and gets angry. Just to put it out there, he does not direct this anger toward me in any way. He confessed this morning that he finds men as a threat. He's never been comfortable around them. He took a chance with my husband when we first started talking bc he (bf) was new and knew that I was happily married. Now that my husband had broken me he doesn't want that to happen again. BUT is perfectly fine with me seeing women. Basically a OPP.

He has seen a counselor but just recently and it hasn't helped thus far.
 
Sounds like he's offering you a One Penis Policy. That is the offer on the table.

You can say "Yes" to the offer or you can say "No" with regrets. He's not sounding up for anything you counteroffer.

To me you sound like you want to say "No" with regrets.

How am I supposed to be happy if my happiness causes him grief and possibly destroys our sex life???

I think you could tell him that if he doesn't want to be lovers if you date other men, you will respect that. But you do want to see other men. This isn't "destroying" your sex life with him. It's changing your sex life with him.

He is in charge of his consent. You are in charge of yours. That is fair.

His grief? He's already sad now and will be sad after. I think letting it end so he can be sad and not dreading all the time is the less stinky sad. Maybe then he can finally heal. It's not fun, but I think the kindest thing to do sometimes is to let go.

As for you being happy again? You too could heal. And then move on.

I don't think dragging this out helps either of you. :(

Galagirl
 
I agree that it sounds like you're not ok with a OPP, so I'd suggest that you tell him that you can't agree to that restriction and that you're sorry that it makes him uncomfortable, but that's your decision. Who knows, maybe once he works though those initial feelings of jealousy or insecurity, etc. he'll realize that he doesn't need to worry and be more accepting of it. But you shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness for his. If I were you I'd either end it, or tell him that you plan to be intimate with other male partners and he can choose to stay with you or not, but you won't be made to feel guilty for it.
 
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