The Conversation

Thanks for commenting on my thread Infinite. Last night we had a calm, discussion and she said "I know you are not monogamous and having friends makes you happy" this was said with a kinda sad resignation.

Ignore my previous post. It was written before I read this.

So I guess we may be moving closer, but it still doesn't feel good to me. I think there will be lots more discussion, setting boundaries, rules etc. So the process continues.

You seem to be decided unilaterally that the process continues even if it doesn't feel good or you are saying that she is open to further discussion beyond the resignation which sounds fifty kinds of wrong?

I need to find a way to give her what she needs. She wants us to go back to when we first started out, the NRE, my focus on her. I can try, but sustain that for the next 20 years? I guess some extraordinary people can pull it off.

I have found that when I am able to tap into some NRE, things get way brighter and more fun. I think it is easier with NRE than without to sustain a relationship, but that is just me. I think it is very positive that she is also looking at brightening what you have together. It is a huge plus from your worry earlier that you could lose her. 20 years is a scary way of putting it. Sounds like a phenomenal duty, when I doubt your NRE felt like that. How about getting some fun in now and living the moment?
 
Take this for what it's worth, but coming from a mono with self esteem issues as well, the words going into one's ears don't always sound the same as they do to the one whose mouth they come from.

When you say things like "This will make me happy. I can be a better partner", etc... Please understand that to someone like your partner, it sounds very much like "You are not enough to make me happy", or it can come across as though you're not willing to be a "better" partner unless you have your way.

I don't know if you have siblings or not, but it's often used as a comparison for loving more than one person. Now, consider this... Imagine a parent telling their only child that having another child will benefit him/her, because it will make them better parents. From the child's perspective, it's essentially irrelevant. It also causes them to question why you feel you NEED a second child in order to be happy, or a better parent. And so they feel as though they are not able to make you happy, or that he/she might even be the reason you feel like a sub-par parent.

Another thing... Please stop with trying to suggest to her that she could feel better by also finding another partner. I'm not saying that it doesn't work from time to time, but in most cases, monogamous partners only do this to distract themselves, by getting into a situation that they don't really want, in order to balance out another situation that they never wanted. it comes across as trying to turn two wrongs into a right. (Not saying that poly is wrong, but it's not what monogamous people want). Generally, when monos try this, the secondary relationships feel hollow & empty, and provide no real satisfaction for anyone.
 
Hi Tom,

If your life partner is ever going to be okay with you opening up your side of the relationship, it is likely to take a year or more, and of course you will have to keep talking about it from time to time during that year. Just in case, you may want to figure out whether (and how) you'll accept it if she never warms up to the idea. And how long you're willing to wait.

I am doubtful that she'll ever want to open up her side of the relationship, I just don't think she'll be interested. If I'm wrong, great and maybe that will help her see things from your perspective, but I wouldn't count on it. At best you can maybe hope for a mono/poly relationship.

I take it the concept of open relationships is one you've been thinking and learning about for a long time. For her it's still new, and probably really scary. If her self-esteem is flagging that is another problem, something to seek out a (sex-positive) therapist for.

I hope this post is of some small help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin and others who chimed in. I realize it may take some time. Though a year seems like a long time when I am 59 and my years of enjoying my sexuality seem limited.

I have been wanting an open relationship for most of my adult life. But out here in redneck rural America, the opportunities to find compatible partners is very limited. I know they exist everywhere, but people here are so closeted about any deviation from the "norm". I had given up till I met my current lady friend over a month ago. For the time being, we are keeping it platonic, but having tasted the forbidden fruit, its really hard to keep it friendly.

My life partner shows little interest in finding partner's of her own. But I would support it 100% if they aren't creeps etc. I won't force the issue either. I just want her to be happy and content.

anamikanon: "You seem to be decided unilaterally that the process continues even if it doesn't feel good or you are saying that she is open to further discussion beyond the resignation which sounds fifty kinds of wrong?"

Its her resignation that doesn't feel good, to pursue an open relationship when she isn't in a more supportive position. Hopefully we can get there. I agree some NRE and fun is in order at this point. I really need it after all the stress.

Her main sticking points are:
1. "someone will get short treatment" if you are trying to have a relationship with more than one person". I agree time and energy is very limited in my case with starting a new business. But I think with clear rules and scheduling it could work.

2. "This is a pattern with you" I proposed Polyamory with my second wife so I could also be with my current life partner". In that case, my second marriage was going down the tubes. Its different this time. I am truly happy and have no desire to change primary partners for anyone else. I keep telling her, I have every intention and plan to grow old (older) with her.

Thanks again everyone for commenting. Sorry I couldn't address all of your comments and questions.
 
I think it's your life partner's sticking points that make me think this is going to take a year. But hopefully I am overestimating.
 
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