Polyamorous and demisexual?

tecklemino

New member
How common is this? I am the only man i know of that is both polyamorous and demisexual. Reading profiles on meetme and okc, i dont see it very often. I have only come across a couple, and both were female.

Its kinda annoying sometimes. I can usually build an emotional connection with someone over time, but its nearly impossible for me to build one as fast as other people seem feel connected to me. Which makes sex a bit awkward for me. Usually, i end up having sex with someone before i feel an emotional connection to them because they are pretty much pushing for it.

This may sound bad, but i usually see sex as a tool to help my partner feel more secure. At least, early on in the relationship anyway. I do my best to please, so i have had no complaints so far lol. The longer i am in a relationship, the more likely i am to start desiring them.

Is it really that rare? I think it must be, since nobody seems to believe it when i first tell them. Then, afted a while, when i have talked their ear off about a zillion topics and learned a lot about them, they start to wonder why i havent brought sex up. Then i remind them and let them know that i am not opposed to having sex, i just feel no desire for it until i have started to feel close to them. Which often leads to awkward conversations about where my mind goes in order to maintain an erection lol.

Anyone else had to deal with this combination? It certainly makes things difficult for new partners... they know i want my wife all the time and dont really understand why i dont want them the same way, early on. Especially since the NRE chemicals are driving them batty... made worse by the fact that i have never experienced NRE...
 
I am somewhat demisexual, but it doesn't take me a long time to have an emotional connection. Of course, being quick to fall for someone has it's own set of problems.
 
Hi tecklemino,

I get the impression that your focus is on serving the other person, you put yourself second. Which is fine, more than fine in fact. I couldn't do it, I'm too selfish. It does however create an unusual situation for you, with your demisexuality. I'm not demisexual, but I've heard a lot from people who are. So it does not seem very surprising to me. The combination with selflessness is unusual, however.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm also polyamorous and demisexual! It makes online dating difficult and frustrating for sure. But it's also pretty freeing in the sense that I don't feel like I'm depriving my all allosexual partner of all sexual expression when I'm not in a place to want to have sex with them (yet or, in existing relationships, when I'm feeling extra asexual for whatever reason).

It's pretty common for people on the asexual spectrum to have sex with people for reasons other than sexual desire. I enjoy making my partners feel good, and I love the bonding feeling of skin to skin contact. You want to help them feel more secure. As long as you're consenting to the sex and not harboring resentment over it, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I tend to experience NRE in the "wanting to spend all my time with you" way more than the "wanting to have sex with you all the time" way, unless I'm starting a relationship with someone I'm close to to begin with.

Demisexual is still a pretty rare sexual orientation identity. I tend to find more women with men that label themselves this way. I wonder if sexuality socialization has anything to do with it.

Anyway, you're not alone!
 
Lol, its good to know that i am not the only one!

Yes, it certainly does impact online dating. Usually, i just want to chat with people, but it seems that 99% of people who do online dating would rather flirt right off the bat. I think that even when they are trying to pique the intellectual and emotional interest of another person, they will still still try and turn the conversation flirty/sexual.

Now, i am a diagnosed sociopath. I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder when i was 18, and attachment disorder well before that. I was a pretty terrible person growing up. It wasnt until i heard my time of death being announced by a doctor that i realized that i hated myself. That was when i was 22. At that moment, i realized that i had wasted my entire life, and i wasnt getting any more chances. I had spent my entire life thinking that i hated people, when i really just hated myself. Somehow, my heart started beating, my liver and kidneys started working again, and i woke up alive.

I decided that i would never hate another person again, nor will i hate myself ever again. I wanted to be someone i could love. And how can i love myself if i dont love everyone? As disgusting as i was, if i can love myself, then how can i not love others?

There was just one problem... i dont emotionally respond the way most people do. But, i cannot discount or discredit their emotions, they are just as real to them as mine are to me. And that is why i DO have sex with people who are trying to get closer to me.

A new partner usually wants to have sex with me. But i usually want to go explore a swamp with them. To me, exploring a swamp is the most intimate thing i can do with someone. It doesnt make sense to anyone but me, unless you know that i grew up in a swamp and escaped into it on a regular basis when i was growing up. My mother suffered from dissassociative identity disorder... she tried to stabb me to death more times than i care to count. She cracked my skull twice with old whiskey bottles that she used to collect... she broke a couple chairs on my back... once, she slung scalding water on me, which blistered off half the skin on my right arm. My safe place was the swamp. Nobody could hurt me there. By the time i was twelve, i was expert at vanishing into the swamp without a trace. Despite the snakes, wild hogs, and all the things that go bump in the night, the swamp was my safe place. It was the greatest place in the world. I could explore everything there and be as fascinated as i wanted to be. At one point, i vanished in the swamp and didnt come out for three months. Not even search dogs could find me, even though i watched many of them searching. I just wasnt ready to come out...

All that to say that i figured people want sex because it makes them feel as good as i feel when i am in the swamp. I feel home. I feel safe. And, oddly enough, i feel loved in the swamp. Like i belong there. Like i am welcomed there.

My wife has gone into the swamp with me. She still does. She goes to my happy place with me. Even though it initially scared her. I think that is why i feel safe with her, in our own home. So far, she has been the only person willing to enjoy my joys with me. So far, anyway. Nowadays, i take my swamp with me everywhere i go. If that makes any sense...

I guess, what i am trying to say is, if i want them to go into my world, i had better be willing to go into theirs? I dont feel resentment for sex when i am not yet wanting it. I rather think of it as being willing to go into their swamp...
 
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Okay, I think I have a better understanding now, of what you mean. Willing to go into their swamp -- interesting.

I'm very sorry about the way your mom treated you -- that's horrible.
 
Yeah...

I think the way i experience love is hard for most people to grasp. I have been beaten, tortured, and even declared dead. I have fought in three wars as combat arms and have lost enough close friends to fill half a company.

Hell, just recently the team i was origionally supposed to deploy with lost four guys. Im still pissed that they didnt bring me. They decided that they didnt want/need my capabilities. I could have warned them of the of the ambush. Instead, they decided not to take me. So i ended up firing three rounds for our fallen instead of doing my job of protecting them. Ill probably be pissed for a while yet...

The world is a scary place. We just go because... well, thats just what we do. Whenever i see someone who is willing to step outside their comfort zone, it excites me. It give me hope.

For instance, my wife and i just went to a local polyamory meet and greet. A coffee night. We met an amazing lady who just kinda clicked with my wife. I can see them becoming at least very close friends, if not lovers at some point. But, my wife was scared shitless before the event because of her social phobia. But she still went, she worked through it. She just DID it. And she saw that the fear was bigger than the fact. She had a wonderful time.

I feel very close to my wife this morning. Like she is more able to know me because she went through the things that i go through on a nearly daily basis. See a fear, face the fear, and do it anyway.

Every day i confront my own fears... most of what i do i do with the intention of making fear "not matter". Fear of abandonment, fear of loss, fear of death, i want to either live without them or LIVE with them. And i want my partners to LIVE, really live, as well. Everyone has fears... but they dont have to be ruled by them.

I guess i am a sociopathic romantic? Who knows. Whatever it is, it works for me.
 
How common is this? I am the only man i know of that is both polyamorous and demisexual. Reading profiles on meetme and okc, i dont see it very often. I have only come across a couple, and both were female.

Correction: You're the only man you know who identifies as polyamorous and demisexual.

In our culture, it's socially expected that you go on a few dates with someone before you drop your pants, and people who sleep with others on the first date are considered slutty and easy. I think this is a terrible way to view people who are comfortable and open with their sexuality, but it speaks to the notion that some form of demisexuality is the expected way to have sex in our culture. That's already a huge relaxation of waiting for marriage, after all.

I get the impression that "demisexual" is one of those labels that some people use because it clarifies a dissonance they've always felt, but other people just take what it means for granted. Most people never even come across the term unless they research asexuality, and discover demisexuality as a way to describe the grey area between asexual and allosexual.

Then we get the whole gender thing into it. I suspect this dissonance would be even more flagrant for men, being surrounded by other men who are on missions to get laid as much as possible. If you prefer to get to know a woman before you want to have sex with her, then you're more likely to feel abnormal than a woman with the same preference, since that preference is socially expected for women.

I suspect most people just don't think about it that much, and so probably don't come across the word let alone wonder if it applies to them. So basically my answer to your questions is that I think it's actually fairly common, but that not a lot of people are identifying as it explicitly. Especially among people who identify as polyamorous and make a point of distinguishing themselves from swingers, which is more about sex.
 
I would say that my husband falls into this demographic.
 
Correction: You're the only man you know who identifies as polyamorous and demisexual.

In our culture, it's socially expected that you go on a few dates with someone before you drop your pants, and people who sleep with others on the first date are considered slutty and easy. I think this is a terrible way to view people who are comfortable and open with their sexuality, but it speaks to the notion that some form of demisexuality is the expected way to have sex in our culture. That's already a huge relaxation of waiting for marriage, after all.

I get the impression that "demisexual" is one of those labels that some people use because it clarifies a dissonance they've always felt, but other people just take what it means for granted. Most people never even come across the term unless they research asexuality, and discover demisexuality as a way to describe the grey area between asexual and allosexual.

Then we get the whole gender thing into it. I suspect this dissonance would be even more flagrant for men, being surrounded by other men who are on missions to get laid as much as possible. If you prefer to get to know a woman before you want to have sex with her, then you're more likely to feel abnormal than a woman with the same preference, since that preference is socially expected for women.

I suspect most people just don't think about it that much, and so probably don't come across the word let alone wonder if it applies to them. So basically my answer to your questions is that I think it's actually fairly common, but that not a lot of people are identifying as it explicitly. Especially among people who identify as polyamorous and make a point of distinguishing themselves from swingers, which is more about sex.

This is exactly why I've never understood this demisexual label.
 
I am polyamorous and demisexual AND sapiosexual AND asocial and have been known to have asexual spells altogether. Which basically means I'm single till someone I really like comes along, and then I get disillusioned/disinterested very easily so it doesn't work out and haven't been lucky enough to find TWO people who click at the same time, so I am yet to get around to earning my "poly" claim, mostly because chasing potential partners seems to be too much effort. :rolleyes:

I even joined Tinder and found one chap - a musician who seemed very interesting and the chat was all flirty and hot and very super. And then the second time I met him, he passed an extremely juvenile (not sexist/offensive, just plain idiotic) comment about a random woman on the street and just like that, all my "hot" had evaporated.

I've started calling it the "Kiss a prince and he turns into a frog" fact of life. Sad fact of life is that emotional connection AND intellectual connection seems to be too much to expect from most men I've come across.

Back to Spexy being my only partner and me proclaiming long and loud that I was NOT monogamous.... :D
 
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I approach the demisexual label with some uncertainty like I have approached the polyamorous label. However, it makes the most sense for me as I have the best sexual relationships with those who I have clicked with emotionally first.

Like the better I get to know someone, the better the sex tends to be. I've hooked up with people before without talking to them at all and the sex always is lackluster and mostly forced for their benefit. Getting to emotionally know people beforehand though can also lead to heartbreak though when they no longer want to see you or you are unable to see them any longer.

It's nice to know that I'm not alone though.
 
Both my soon-to-be ex husband and my current boyfriend exhibit some demisexual tendencies.

The ex has had less than a handful of sexual partners in his life, despite being 50+ years old and not shy. He won't have sex until the word love has been uttered in a meaningful sense and preferably within a context of a committed relationship.

My current male partner has engaged in plenty of casual sex, in the past, while single... however he doesn't "need" it and has gone long periods NOT having sex, by choice. He has a lower than average libido and I think sometimes he prefers to masturbate than actually have sex with another person.

Before he and I got together, his sex life consisted of random, fairly rare casual sex, but rather than find "new" people to hook up with, he preferred these encounters to be with FWB he'd known for a long time and with whom he was comfortable and familiar.
 
Seems a bit like there's been so much worry about singling out people who have/want regular sexual encounters, & thus making them uncomfortable, that we've instead singled out those who DON'T have/need regular sexual encounters & happily made THEM the oddballs.
 
How common is this? I am the only man i know of that is both polyamorous and demisexual ... Anyone else had to deal with this combination? It certainly makes things difficult for new partners... they know i want my wife all the time and dont really understand why i dont want them the same way, early on.

It seems to me that most people, including a fair number of people who claim to be living a poly lifestyle, either don't get polyamory, or have poorly substantiated and self-serving views about it. So right away you're part of the misunderstood minority. Add being demi and you might gain some and lose some. A lot of people experience a need for some sort of emotional connection before getting physical, and besides that, it's probably a safer way to live provided that you use the getting-to-know period to assess STDs and other potential health and relationship issues. So the ones you lose are probably the better ones to not get involved with anyway. Basically, you're fine, and it's the rest of the world that's messed up ... lol.
 
I’m also demisexual! I don’t generally describe myself as polyamorous because I’m not commited to a lifetime of nonmonagany. Personally I can see myself happy and fulfilled in either a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship (I’m currently in a triad with my boyfriend and girlfriend). I am a fairly sexual person in that I do enjoy sex but I don’t often experience sexual attraction and only when I know someone on a very personal level and I seek out people with a particular kind of personality. Like OP mentioned, it’s not even the sex itself but the closeness to another person. If I were in a relationship that just consisted of cuddling and touching and physical closeness I could be just as satisfied. If I’m feeling particularly unsatisfied one day it’s due to a lack of closeness rather than a lack sex.

Dating sucks as a demisexual, I have had no luck on dating sites at all (of course I’m not using them anymore) and I don’t think I’d bother going back to them if I found myself single. I personally don’t know anyone else who is demi, and sometimes my partners have a hard time understanding that my desire for physical affection is generally non-sexual, especially my boyfriend because we were fwb for a year before we started dating. I liked having sex with him, and it was because he was my best friend and the person I knew most intimately. We’d often go out together just to meet other people, and try to wing for each other, and more than once brought someone home together for a bit of 3-way fun but I never enjoyed those much because I didn’t feel the same kind of attraction as he did (don’t get me wrong though, it was a good time). It wasn’t until I met my girlfriend (we were friends for a good while before getting involved romantically) that I could really appreciate being with another woman and fully enjoy myself, because I was attracted to her on an emotional level. I’ve never dated a woman before and I’ve learned a lot about myself through her, to the point where if we broke up (and God forbid because I love them both to dearh) I’d be much more confidant in myself dating women whereas before though I was open to the idea I was very insecure in myself to be able to be with a female partner (and I’m still learning a lot).

Anyway, that’s my personal experience. To finish up this thought I’m very lucky to have my partners and with them it doesn’t matter that I’m demi, and we all do a fairly good job of taking care of the others’ needs whatever they may be. I hope you have the opportunity to make some demisexual friends but in the meantime it sounds like you’re doing pretty well for yourself. Keep your chin up, you’re not the only one.
 
It's so nice to find a thread about other people who are both polyamorous and demisexual. I don't know if any of you still hang around here, but I'd sure like to chat if you do.

Since I'm also bisexual, I've found that some people don't know what to make of me at all. Their brains kind of spontaneously combust at the thought of someone who is attracted to all genders but isn't interested in sleeping with anyone on the first date. LOL! (Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not how I'm wired).
 
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It's so nice to find a thread about other people who are both polyamorous and demisexual. I don't know if any of you still hang around here, but I'd sure like to chat if you do.

Since I'm also bisexual, I've found that some people don't know what to make of me at all. Their brains kind of spontaneously combust at the thought of someone who is attracted to all genders but isn't interested in sleeping with anyone on the first date. LOL! (Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not how I'm wired).

I'm bisexual and sort of "demisexual" -ish. Especially lately. Probably simply because I'm getting older. (I'm 53.)

This article says "A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone." That's not me. Nor am I in any sense on the asexual spectrum. But sexual arousal, for me, is so deeply intertwined with emotional connection and bonding that while I may find someone sexually attractive in the first two minutes of seeing them I couldn't really get aroused with them in a hurry. I first need to establish trust, mutual affection and some sense that the person isn't going to disappear five minutes after we "sleep" together. (Sleep, what a strange euphemism!)

Attraction and arousal are two different things altogether. And while I can become visibly aroused rather easily, the level of arousal necessary for satisfying sex is a couple of notches above the level required for visible arousal. (I hope I don't have to spell out what "visible arousal" refers to, LOL.)

When I was much younger I could -- for a period of a few years -- meet someone and go to bed with them within ... let's just say a period of time less than a day. Then, attraction and arousal were both relatively easy to get to. Now, attraction isn't enough. Arousal requires those features I mentioned above (e.g., trust, connection).

It's interesting.... When I stop and think about it the "bonding" I mentioned as part of the necessary feeling tone which allows for a satisfying level of arousal doesn't seem to be dependent on some sort of plan for a long term relationship, per se. It's measured more in quality than quantity of time! That is, predictable / probable future time expectation. That part isn't so important. What's important for me to experience strong, satisfying arousal and strong satisfying sex is my perception that we are both really, really enjoying and liking one another -- and not just because we like what we see. We need to like who we are. Together. Both of us. And then my erotic choo-choo will tear up the tracks! My yummy monster can come out and play! Without THAT feeling..., nothing much happens that feels good.
 
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Since I'm also bisexual, I've found that some people don't know what to make of me at all. Their brains kind of spontaneously combust at the thought of someone who is attracted to all genders but isn't interested in sleeping with anyone on the first date. LOL! (Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not how I'm wired).

Why on earth would you want to fuck someone immediately on a first date just because you're pansexual, attracted to all genders?

It makes as much sense as any straight woman wanting to fuck any random dude that takes her out for dinner.

I'm not demi-sexual but I'm sapio-sexual. I only date intelligent people who can carry on a very interesting conversation, who are literate, who have traveled, who are adventurous eaters, who appreciate the arts and sciences, history and languages, etc.

That said, I won't date a genius asshole. I need to trust someone at least somewhat to get naked with them. They might be an ax murderer. They might be a narcissist psychopath. They might be cynical and angry. They might be lonely and have low self esteem. They might be a drug addict or alcoholic. They might smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. They might have the emotional quotient of a mosquito. They might be in terrible physical shape and have bad hygiene. They might be any number of unappealing or dangerous things.
 
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