BlindBrick
New member
First, some background for context: My boyfriend and I lived together with our children (from previous marriages, none together) for 12 years. It wasn't a pleasant 12 years as far as romance goes, at least the last 5 were not. Almost no sex, and no affection shown from him at all, and my affection always had strings tied or was used to manipulate. We really were in a very toxic relationship, but we had a good friendship and even though we were both quite broken, we did care about each other. We broke up last spring and sold our house. We each took our two kids and bought our own places. Immediately, I hit rock bottom. The loss was almost more than I could take. Many nights the panic attacks were so bad I thought I would die. I got help from counselors and energy healers, and fixed a lot of issues I had, that I was not aware of. I became a completely new person and for the first time in my life I am truly happy, grounded, I love myself, and I have confidence.
Meanwhile, he spent the summer having meaningless sex with whoever he could. We had talked throughout the 12 years about his possible sex addiction, and after our breakup he confided in me that he had cheated on me quite a few times in those 12 years, with meaningless hook-ups. This was hard for me to take at first, but I came to a point where I accepted it and I actually understood why he did it. He didn't want to break up our family, but he had needs that I was refusing to meet. His summer of sex gave him just as much insight and growth for his own issues as my summer of therapy did for me. He became a changed person too.
This fall, we got back together again. We live separately, but have the strongest and most loving relationship either of us has ever had. The gratitude we each feel towards each other is huge. We have been so honest and I just can't explain in words how wonderful things are between us!
One of the things that has come out with our honesty is that he may be poly. Over the years he would comment about this, that it's unnatural to have one spouse and that's why marriage fail, yadda yadda. So, I agreed that I would try this and "let" him have sex with other women if he wanted. He's done that twice. Both times he was honest with me, and it was hard for me, but the honesty and how he cares about my feelings has made it ok. I feel ok with this if these are just hook-ups and nothing more. I understand the need, even though I don't share in it.
Well, he's since let me know that he wants to have a more intimate relationship with other women and would like to have two girlfriends. As we talked he even said it might be nice to live with both of us someday (whoever the other one will be....he hasn't met her yet). But, he's afraid of losing me, so he's afraid to try it.
I am mono through and through, I have no desire for anyone else. I wish he was too because in my mind there is safety and security in a monogamous relationship. But, I don't want to deny him of who he is. I completely understand poly and that it's nothing he can change. So, I said that I would be ok trying it if he could still provide me with the safety and security that I need in the relationship.
But, I am really scared. I am having a really hard time seeing how I can do this! Imaging him having sex with someone else is something I was able to get through....imaging him loving someone else I don't know if I can. Logically, I should though. When I had my second child, I didn't love my first any less. Is that what this will be? He can love two girlfriends the same? Anyone go into this reluctantly, and then made it work? Give me advice and hope please! I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose myself either!
Thanks!
Meanwhile, he spent the summer having meaningless sex with whoever he could. We had talked throughout the 12 years about his possible sex addiction, and after our breakup he confided in me that he had cheated on me quite a few times in those 12 years, with meaningless hook-ups. This was hard for me to take at first, but I came to a point where I accepted it and I actually understood why he did it. He didn't want to break up our family, but he had needs that I was refusing to meet. His summer of sex gave him just as much insight and growth for his own issues as my summer of therapy did for me. He became a changed person too.
This fall, we got back together again. We live separately, but have the strongest and most loving relationship either of us has ever had. The gratitude we each feel towards each other is huge. We have been so honest and I just can't explain in words how wonderful things are between us!
One of the things that has come out with our honesty is that he may be poly. Over the years he would comment about this, that it's unnatural to have one spouse and that's why marriage fail, yadda yadda. So, I agreed that I would try this and "let" him have sex with other women if he wanted. He's done that twice. Both times he was honest with me, and it was hard for me, but the honesty and how he cares about my feelings has made it ok. I feel ok with this if these are just hook-ups and nothing more. I understand the need, even though I don't share in it.
Well, he's since let me know that he wants to have a more intimate relationship with other women and would like to have two girlfriends. As we talked he even said it might be nice to live with both of us someday (whoever the other one will be....he hasn't met her yet). But, he's afraid of losing me, so he's afraid to try it.
I am mono through and through, I have no desire for anyone else. I wish he was too because in my mind there is safety and security in a monogamous relationship. But, I don't want to deny him of who he is. I completely understand poly and that it's nothing he can change. So, I said that I would be ok trying it if he could still provide me with the safety and security that I need in the relationship.
But, I am really scared. I am having a really hard time seeing how I can do this! Imaging him having sex with someone else is something I was able to get through....imaging him loving someone else I don't know if I can. Logically, I should though. When I had my second child, I didn't love my first any less. Is that what this will be? He can love two girlfriends the same? Anyone go into this reluctantly, and then made it work? Give me advice and hope please! I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose myself either!
Thanks!