I wish I could let go of Poly and just be Mono

zackteach

New member
That's where my head has been at for the last few months. I've been wishing that I could just turn this...intrigue off. Wish that I could turn off my desire to keep on searching even when I had someone. It almost feels like an obsession, and my head tends to treat it as such.

I guess I end up feeling this way because I see so many people on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid that look like they might be a good match for me. The main problem? They're not Poly. So it feels like there's no point in even talking to them, because if we DID hit it off, then I'd feel like crap for missing out and leading them on.

I've been trying to find poly people for approaching 3 years now. Maybe my location isn't the best for it, I'm in Tulsa Oklahoma. But I know there are poly people out there, I've seen some on the dating sites/apps, I've been in Oklahoma and Tulsa-related FB Poly Groups, I've seen them on Fet-Life. But nothing's ever solidified with anyone.

I know of several people who were formerly in the Poly lifestyle, who eased off it and seem to not give much of a care about getting another partner or exploring it again and seem to be fine with just 1 partner and man I wish I could just do that. But I think a problem for me is that I haven't even actually experienced a successful poly relationship yet for any length of time, so I can't just...stop. My mind won't let me. Not until maybe I get one and it blows up in my face, I don't know.

I mean just today someone on Bumble, this intelligent and well spoken and beautiful girl matches me on Bumble and I wish I could've kept talking but she hadn't read my profile before messaging me and when I brought it up, she was very nice about it but yes, that's another missed opportunity. Someone else who may have been awesome for me, but because we're looking for different things, I'm shooting myself in the foot. That's what it feels like.

But I don't trust myself to stop. I don't know that I could be with any 1 person and not ever feel the urge to look for someone else, emotionally or sexually. I worry that I'd just end up hurting them if I was only with 1 person.

But I also worry I don't have the desire to maintain 2 or more relationships. Like, I want to, but I don't know that I'd actually put the time into it.

I guess more than anything, I wish I could just turn it all off and be an asexual hermit.
 
Hello zackteach,

Polyamory can be a rough road to travel, not in the least because it is wildly unpopular. That's starting to change, but it has a long way to go. OKCupid and FetLife are often good places to look, but what's difficult is finding someone in your local area. Perhaps you could find a local poly group if you google "Tulsa polyamory" or even "Oklahoma polyamory." Also you may have some luck if you try a fringe activity such as sci-fi conventions, indie concerts, Ren faires or that sort of thing.

Ultimately, you must be the judge of whether mono or poly is the best fit for you. You don't want to get into a monogamous relationship and then start to resent that. Carefully consider how strongly you feel about poly.

I have to sympathize, I have tried myself to find someone willing to do poly and I know how impossible it can be. :( Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Dunno how active they are: Tulsa Area Polyamory
a polyamory meet-up that hosts semi-monthly public meetings in Tulsa, and monthly private, pot-luck discussions for members of its by-invitation, private FB group. For info, contact group co-owner, Penelope Connor, or look for posted public meeting info in the OPeN FB group.

If Fargo/Moorhead (ND/MN) (pop. 160,000 total) can have a poly community, I don't see how Tulsa (pop. 400,000) wouldn't.

Yes, I remember being at a point where monogamy seemed MUCH simpler/easier. Then it occurred to me that living under a bridge & foraging in dumpsters would be simpler still, & I decided that I can deal with some complication. ;)

Maybe I'm missing something, but my impression is that Bumble & Tinder & the like are mostly about getting laid, NOT speed-shopping for a Life Partner, so being polyamorous would be inconsequential.
 
Yes, I remember being at a point where monogamy seemed MUCH simpler/easier. Then it occurred to me that living under a bridge & foraging in dumpsters would be simpler still, & I decided that I can deal with some complication. ;)


animated-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif
 
Haha, that's a good analogy. Thank you for that.

Also, thank you for that group link! That's so much bigger of a group than the one I'm in already. My FB Poly group is only at...maybe 70ish members? This one is near 800. That's stellar.

You guys are alright :)
 
Yes, I remember being at a point where monogamy seemed MUCH simpler/easier. Then it occurred to me that living under a bridge & foraging in dumpsters would be simpler still, & I decided that I can deal with some complication.

Literally guffawed! :) I will have to add this to my list of quotes to remember.

My wife and I were actually discussing this very issue a couple of nights ago - especially now that we both have other loves in our lives. Poly often DOES seem much more complicated than monogamy - sometimes to the point where one really does have to do some honest evaluation..... But ultimately, for us right now, the rewards are very much worth the complications.
 
Literally guffawed! :) I will have to add this to my list of quotes to remember.

My wife and I were actually discussing this very issue a couple of nights ago - especially now that we both have other loves in our lives. Poly often DOES seem much more complicated than monogamy - sometimes to the point where one really does have to do some honest evaluation..... But ultimately, for us right now, the rewards are very much worth the complications.

As a not-that-serious gamer, I always called poly "relationships on hard mode" - and as we all know from video games, hard mode DEFINITELY gets you the better rewards. :D
 
As a not-that-serious gamer, I always called poly "relationships on hard mode" - and as we all know from video games, hard mode DEFINITELY gets you the better rewards.

Nice analogy. :) And undoubtedly true with many other things in life as well.
 
Been there. In fact, I am sort of their now. However, I know I wouldn't be able to maintain a mono relationship for any length of time. I may not necessarily have to go full poly, but I would have to have some sort of open relationship.

But I'm wondering. Do you have to be on The Hunt? Do you only date people with whom you hope to ride an escalator? Maybe dating just for the sake of dating would set something in motion.
 
As I raised in another thread, it's not that nonomonogamy is harder, it's mostly just less familiar.

From birth (maybe before) we've been bombarded constantly with "here's how to be monogamous!!" propaganda & nonsense. All we have to do is ride the escalator, play out the standard scripts, & everything will be easy-peasy. :)

If your relationship doesn't live up to the hype? Well, then that's because YOU suck, or your PARTNER sucks, or someone ELSE is dragging you down :eek: -- NOT because you're playing a game that's rigged against you.

In nonomonogamy, we have given up that upholstered Hell of willful ignorance. The "easy life" has actually taken a LOT of effort from every single one of us.

To be nonmonogamous, we have to constantly step back & calmly THINK ABOUT what's going on & what we want to do with it, because the old "plug & play" myths don't work in this world.

And once we've had to learn how to do that, even if only for a brief period, we're kinda too "messed up" to easily return to Monogamism, because the inadequacy of the old myths is so obvious.
 
I agree. An open relationship would be fine to me as well, but I'm afraid of dating someone just to date someone if I know they're not poly or open. It feels like I'd just be wasting both of our time with something that isn't going to work out if 1 of us doesn't decide to change our expectations.

And you hit the nail on the head Ravenscroft...I constantly wonder if my relationships failed because I suck, or if it were my partners, or both. I tend to land more on me, though, and not being able to get anything going poly-wise for nearly 3 years helps reinforce that. I try not to let my head run away with me on that, but it does cross my mind.

Fudge
 
Ravenscroft wrote:
As I raised in another thread, it's not that nonomonogamy is harder, it's mostly just less familiar.

From birth (maybe before) we've been bombarded constantly with "here's how to be monogamous!!" propaganda & nonsense. All we have to do is ride the escalator, play out the standard scripts, & everything will be easy-peasy.

If your relationship doesn't live up to the hype? Well, then that's because YOU suck, or your PARTNER sucks, or someone ELSE is dragging you down -- NOT because you're playing a game that's rigged against you.

In nonomonogamy, we have given up that upholstered Hell of willful ignorance. The "easy life" has actually taken a LOT of effort from every single one of us.

To be nonmonogamous, we have to constantly step back & calmly THINK ABOUT what's going on & what we want to do with it, because the old "plug & play" myths don't work in this world.

And once we've had to learn how to do that, even if only for a brief period, we're kinda too "messed up" to easily return to Monogamism, because the inadequacy of the old myths is so obvious.

Good post and I agree with much of what you say - especially as I have spent the last year making an intentional effort to de-condition myself from my own monogamy based cultural conditioning.

However, it does seem to me that - in the simplest terms - the smaller number of moving parts does make monogamy inherently less complicated.
While it is true that most who are monogamous do feel the pressure to follow the standard scripts with their built-in expectations - and therefore built-in conflict, since expectations can obviously never be perfectly met. I have often thought of expectations as the "root of all relationship evil" - but they are inherent as they are an integral part of the human equation - in monogamy and polyamory. And in polyamory, you have the expectations of multiple partners. And although the expectations might be "less" from a given partner, there are expectations from all the partners, and often conflicting with each other - thus creating an even more complicated relationship equation. Anyway - just another perspective. As I have gradually transitioned to a more poly mindset - I find the added complications worth it. And it beats living under a bridge. Al

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