Not sure what it looks like

Daysie

New member
Hello, I am new, obviously. I have recently met the gentleman around 4 months ago. He is very attentive to me and nice and kind. In the time that I have known him we have had sex twice. I am at the age where I am quite aware of my needs. So yesterday we talked. He said "you being who you are, I knew it would come up." I let him know my needs and he pretty said that that is just not his priority. He is a bit older and said he is older and that is not important to him. He is willing to take care of me and fill my needs in all other ways. He did say that if I needed it that he had no problem with me going out to get what I "need" with someone else. Ok so this is new to me. What does that mean? What does that look like? Is this poly? I don't know the rules. Can someone please enlighten me? He did say I am attractive and sexy and he always compliments me. Just not sure he wouldn't want me. Please help me.
 
I am not sure what you mean. So I'm going to guess. Please correct me if I guess wrong.

  • You met a guy 4 months ago and started dating. In that time, you shared sex twice.
  • You let him know your need for X. (which is more regular sex?)
  • He said he's not up for X because he's older and doesn't feel the need for that. He also said he's ok with you seeking X (regular sex?) with another partner.
  • He said he IS willing to meet your needs for Y areas, just not X.

Is that it? :confused:

Ok so this is new to me. What does that mean? What does that look like? Is this poly? I don't know the rules.

You and your partner(s) figure out what your shared boundaries/rules/expectations are. There is no one set of rules for all. Every person/grouping creates their own.

Including which Open Models you might be up for and which ones you are not.

Basically... it's up to you to figure out what kind of relationship shape you want, and if this Partner fits in there or not. Your partner(s) will have their own wants and you have to talk to see what lines up and what does not to see if you are even compatible for whatever non-monogamous arrangement you are trying to practice together.

I don't know if anything here might help you:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

Galagirl
 
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I am not sure what you mean. So I'm going to guess. Please correct me if I guess wrong.

  • You met a guy 4 months ago and started dating. In that time, you shared sex twice.
  • You let him know your need for X. (which is more regular sex?)
  • He said he's not up for X because he's older and doesn't feel the need for that. He also said he's ok with you seeking X (regular sex?) with another partner.
  • He said he IS willing to meet your needs for Y areas, just not X.

Is that it? :confused:


Yes that is it. Sorry for the confusion... I am not used to this kind of situation and did not even know if this is the correct forum for it. So I guess I play it be ear and see what it will look like.
 
Greetings Daysie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I suppose you should stay with that older gentleman as long as you feel comfortable with what he is suggesting. Keep us posted on your situation as you go along, and we will continue to try to help (with advice and info and whatnot).

For now, I just want to say that I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you. Well here is more of me. I was married and separated and then divorced in 2009. Since then I have been single and raising my kids. All was my choice so no major issues there. I was having an affair with a married man for about 3 years. He broke it off with me around 2 years ago. So since then I really thought that that was my only option. Get married again or find another MM. But after a while of not finding anyone worth getting attached to(emoitionally) I stopped looking and then this guy found me. When I say he is older, he is 5 years older than me. I am used to playing with younger guys, so to me this is older. :)
So that is where my first story starts. I have been with him for 4 months and he is quite eager to turn this into a LTR. I was pretty cautious and careful and worried because I have my playmates and I didn't want to lose him especially since this older guy was not interested in sex. So when this proposition came up I was intrigued... best of both worlds I suppose. Without the guilt. Now I know that having an A is different than the type of relationship that I am currently evolving into. So that puts me at ease a bit. The extra without the scheming and scamming.
His whole situation that he is offering is fantastic so far. but who knows what the ecpectation is.
I am not sure how to start the conversation as far as where the limits are drawn and is it don't ask don't tell... or do I need approval. So I do know there are allot more questions and more conversations to be had. But where do I start...Just live in this part for a moment and let it evolve? Thank you again.
 
I think my suggestion is to initiate "the conversations" with him soon. Make sure the two of you have compatible boundaries. Don't wait too long for him to start the conversations, go ahead and start them yourself.
 
I have recently met the gentleman around 4 months ago. He is very attentive to me and nice and kind. In the time that I have known him we have had sex twice. I am at the age where I am quite aware of my needs.

So what ages are you? Some 30 year olds don't want much sex. Some 60 or 70 year olds want lots of sex. If you're only 5 years younger than him, it's not an age thing, per se, just personal preference or libido... As a woman, my sex drive increased after age 40. My ex h was only 2 years older than me, but he was thrilled and took good advantage of my newfound drive. But on average, I do tend to date wo/men in their 40s or younger, because of higher libidos and better health. I'm a 60 year old woman and I like to have sex several times a week. My partners are 27, 38 and 42. Between the 3 of them, I almost get enough sex lol

So yesterday we talked. He said "you being who you are, I knew it would come up." I let him know my needs and he pretty much said that that is just not his priority. He is a bit older, and said he is older, and that [sex] is not important to him.

Again, 5 years difference is not a big deal! But if he's basically asexual and just wants companionship, that's his choice.

He is willing to take care of me and fill my needs in all other ways. He did say that if I needed it [more sex] that he had no problem with me going out to get what I "need" with someone else.

Ok so this is new to me. What does that mean? What does that look like? Is this poly? I don't know the rules. Can someone please enlighten me? He did say I am attractive and sexy and he always compliments me. Just not sure he wouldn't want me. Please help me.

... I really thought that that was my only option. Get married again or find another MM. But after a while of not finding anyone worth getting attached to (emotionally) I stopped looking and then this guy found me. When I say he is older, he is 5 years older than me. I am used to playing with younger guys, so to me this is older. :)

So do you love him? Does he seem like he'd be good to live with and be bonded to legally? Or are you just gold digging? Just using him?

So that is where my first story starts. I have been with him for 4 months and he is quite eager to turn this into a LTR.

Do you mean he wants to move in with you? After only 4 months? Why not wait a year, until the NRE wears off? Maybe he will turn out to be a jerk. Maybe he will tire of you. It is way too soon to tell.

I was pretty cautious and careful and worried because I have my playmates and I didn't want to lose [the older guy], especially since this older guy was not interested in sex. So when this proposition came up I was intrigued... best of both worlds I suppose. Without the guilt.

Now I know that having an affair is different than the type of relationship that I am currently evolving into. So that puts me at ease a bit. The extra without the scheming and scamming.

His whole situation that he is offering is fantastic so far. But who knows what the expectation is?

Ask.

I am not sure how to start the conversation, as far as where the limits are drawn, and is it don't ask don't tell? Or do I need approval? I do know there are a lot more questions, and more conversations to be had. But where do I start? Just live in this part for a moment and let it evolve?

NO, absolutely not! Do not "live in the moment." Search your soul to see if this is what you really want. Make some plans, get some conversation going!

Does he know you have several sex play partners? If not, tell him ASAP! You're not being specific here. When he says he wants this to be a LTR, but he doesn't expect you to be mono, but he wants to support you financially, do you trust him? Does he trust you? Is this purely mercenary for you, and, for him, just wanting arm candy and someone to wash his socks? Does that sound fun?

Let him know you you are fucking others. Tell him their names, where they live, how often you see them, and how you will continue to do so, since you need sex. Maybe he will think that is hot. A hotwife thing. Maybe he will just kind of not care and give his blessing to let you go have your sexual needs met, as if you're going shopping or out to lunch with a woman friend. Beware though, if he forbids you from falling in love. And what if you do fall in love with one of your sex partners, and vice versa? Do you dump the "old" dude?

Just jump in and discuss this thoroughly. Don't just "let things happen." What might happen is a train wreck. You aided a married man to cheat for many years. Polyamory takes pristine ethics. You might need to change your mindset around relationships to embark on this without hurting your older mostly asexual beau.
 
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So what ages are you? Some 30 year olds don't want much sex. Some 60 or 70 year olds want lots of sex. If you're only 5 years younger than him, it's not an age thing, per se, just personal preference or libido... As a woman, my sex drive increased after age 40.

I am 48 and he is 53 so I know that I am more sexual than most men my age and I have a guy that is 38 that I was seeing before I met this guy and had a 34 year old and yes they almost saitfyied me.



So do you love him? Does he seem like he'd be good to live with and be bonded to legally? Or are you just gold digging? Just using him?
I am not using him. I wasn't even looking for anyone after a whiole he started offering me his deal. I don't love him but I do like him a lot and am getting used to being with him and enjoying his company.



Do you mean he wants to move in with you? After only 4 months? Why not wait a year, until the NRE wears off? Maybe he will turn out to be a jerk. Maybe he will tire of you. It is way too soon to tell.

He is not asking to move in just being friends right now and living separately.


NO, absolutely not! Do not "live in the moment." Search your soul to see if this is what you really want. Make some plans, get some conversation going!

Does he know you have several sex play partners? If not, tell him ASAP! You're not being specific here. When he says he wants this to be a LTR, but he doesn't expect you to be mono, but he wants to support you financially, do you trust him? Does he trust you? Is this purely mercenary for you, and, for him, just wanting arm candy and someone to wash his socks? Does that sound fun?
Yes sounds familiar. I don't think he is looking fro someone to clean for him he enjoys it and cooking as well just asking for company. I do trust him I haven't gotten any sense not to..yet. He doesn't know who I play with he hasn't even asked. I guess I should offer to let him know and see how he reacts.

Let him know you you are fucking others. Tell him their names, where they live, how often you see them, and how you will continue to do so, since you need sex. Maybe he will think that is hot. A hotwife thing. Maybe he will just kind of not care and give his blessing to let you go have your sexual needs met, as if you're going shopping or out to lunch with a woman friend. Beware though, if he forbids you from falling in love. And what if you do fall in love with one of your sex partners, and vice versa? Do you dump the "old" dude?

Just jump in and discuss this thoroughly. Don't just "let things happen." What might happen is a train wreck. You aided a married man to cheat for many years. Polyamory takes pristine ethics. You might need to change your mindset around relationships to embark on this without hurting your older mostly asexual beau.
thank you for your comments. there is a lot more going on than I thought of for sure.
 
I have been with him for 4 months and he is quite eager to turn this into a LTR. I was pretty cautious and careful and worried because I have my playmates and I didn't want to lose him especially since this older guy was not interested in sex. So when this proposition came up I was intrigued... best of both worlds I suppose. Without the guilt.
So, are you saying that you already had other lovers when you started dating him? And you were afraid he wouldn't want you to see anyone else at first? Then he said he's cool with you having sex with someone else - so will you get back with your playmates again? And is he also cool with you having relationships with others, as well as just sex?

His whole situation that he is offering is fantastic so far. but who knows what the ecpectation is.
Well, certainly none of us know! The only way you'll find out what his expectations are is to ask him.

I am not sure how to start the conversation as far as where the limits are drawn and is it don't ask don't tell... or do I need approval. So I do know there are allot more questions and more conversations to be had. But where do I start...Just live in this part for a moment and let it evolve? Thank you again.
Well, how did you start the conversation to tell him you need more sex, more often? You obviously know how to bring up intimate or awkward topics to discuss, and this would just be a continuation of that.

Here is a possible way to bring it up:
"Honey, remember when you said I could seek sex elsewhere? I've been thinking about that a lot. I've never had this kind of arrangement before, and I am not sure how it would work, so I'd like to talk about it and I have a few questions.

I'm used to things being either casual and non-committal, or committed and exclusive. So, what would be your expectations if I did have sex with someone else? Are we casual or committed? Do you want to know about my other liaisons, or would you rather not? Would it be okay with you if I develop feelings for another lover and want to see you both?"​

But remember, you only need his consent. That means he is consenting to be in a non-monogamous situation. You are your own person and your body belongs to you - so don't start getting into asking for his approval or permission on who you date and what acts you do with them. That's ridiculous, especially since you've only been dating a very short time.

You do need to talk about your safer sex protocols, getting tested regularly, etc. Obviously, you'll have to use condoms with him and anyone else. Besides that, you will just need to figure out how to manage your time.
 
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