New here (of course) and looking for friends and advice

VelvetArt

New member
Hi!
My name is Rayne. I'm a 38 year old mother of two, in a very loving and devoted marriage to my very best friend of 15 years.
13 years ago, we opened our marriage to swinging. Then it kind of morphed to just being open to random hookups so long as my husband knew about it.

A little over 2 years ago, my husband went over the road as a truck driver. We decided to leave the marriage open to random hookups. Then, I met my friend's husband. They were in the process of opening their marriage, and didn't quite know what they were yet.

I've been seeing him for 2 years now, he's my best friend in my husband's absence. I don't love my husband any less, yet I care VERY deeply for my boyfriend. My husband knows all this and has been very accepting and even encouraging. My boyfriend's wife was my friend first, and I'm glad she's accepting and supportive as well.

HOWEVER... I am out of my comfort zone. I was previously never supposed to get attached. I don't know if this is even a true poly situation, as my boyfriend's wife and I are just friends, and my husband and my boyfriend have literally NOTHING in common but me.

We all toss the word "polyamory" like we know what all it entails, but I'm not sure we do.

I'm looking for open minded, non-judgmental friends who can help me figure out what's happened in my life, and what steps to take next... or not take.
My marriage is most important to me, but I also want to preserve what I have with my boyfriend.

I've been on a few other sites where I've been kinda ripped into and told I'm a swinger with an over attachment issue, and that doesn't feel right to me either.

HELP?
 
There's nothing that says a poly relationship has to fit The One True Configuration (usually assumed to be a triad) or you get kicked out of the clubhouse.

You are in more than one loving relationship? Sounds poly to me.
 
Not everyone in a poly tangle needs to be romantically or sexually connected to all the individuals. It is enough for a situation to be poly if one person has more than one love - the simplest is a V configuration where one person has two lovers, and there is no romantic connection between the two.

I wonder where does this idea comes from that "it ain't poly if everyone is not fucking everyone"? Actually, those type of poly configurations are the most unstable ones.

Welcome, you have come to the right place! Read more here and you'll learn of the variety of polyamorous ways possible :D Also, feel free to post any questions you might have - people will try to help you. And, after two years of living polyamorously, you definitely have experiences and insights to share with the rest of us - don't hesitate to post that, too.
 
You've been seeing him for 2 years. Clearly, in addition to whatever level of physical intimacy, you and he are friends. You like him. Or you would not have been seeing him, for 2 years.

Hi! Congrats, you are totally polyamorous!

High fives, secret handshakes, and welcome to the club. ;)

(Sorry, I'm a snarky wench, cannot help it.)

And now...now...what? There's some emotional intimacy? What has changed, 2 years in, I wonder? Suddenly realized you're feelsy, attachy, maybe a bit vulnerable? Hey, I am right there with you! Yes, it's confusing and makes you feel like you should be asking all sorts of questions and whether you're ok with feeling this way or allowed to, if you are wronging anyone in the process.

If that's where you're at, then I wanna give you a hug, sister, I feel like we're rowing in the same boat.

So here's the deal... The consensus I've been seeing is that poly folks and swingers are two kinds of thing that fall under "ethical non-monogamy." Maybe you started out with the INTENTION of being a swinger. You and your hubs would be free to get your nookie needs met on the side, no feels allowed. But when you went down the road of seeing the same dude for 2 years...I think it's only natural that feelings would be a possibility. And that feels an awful like like "a relationship" rather than just casual hookity-uppity. Ya know? And so whatever you intended in the beginning, you have gone beyond swinging and into poly-land.

So you're straight, and so are the guys, and your guy isn't getting it on with the other guy's wife...all of that is no big thang. YOU are still poly, and so is your boyfriend. If the wife has no other partners, then she is mono, and that other marriage, is a poly/mono match. Your hubs? Maybe he's a swinger, maybe if he's got a special somebody, he's more poly-ish. *shrug*

All of that just defines what you are DOING. What you identify as, like your personal identity/orientation...you get to make that up. It's whatever you say it is, for whatever reasons matter to you. Yay freedom!

Check out my signature line at the bottom of this post. None of the men (and there are 3 of them) are sexually or romantically involved with each other. Analyst and Hefe are friends. Zen is merely an acquaintance, mostly linked through me, to the others. Fire and I have almost never had sex, but I feel very romantically affectionate and emotionally close to her (more than friends.) And Zen is mono, even though I am poly....unless or until he should choose to be or do otherwise. And my network, we call it a "polycule" because it's a bit more complex than dyad, triad, or even quad. For me it's a quad plus one, but Fire has other lovers as well!

Do what you like and call it what you will...
 
Greetings Rayne,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I certainly agree with the others that your situation sounds poly to me. Sorry the other sites didn't treat you too well. :( I think you're doing fine, and that you'll continue doing fine. Certainly you can post here at any time, we're here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi and welcome!

The definition of Polyamory is generally understood to be the " practice of, or desire for, having more than one sexual, loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.”

(Of course, for asexuals and grey-a's, the sex may or may not be a part of their definition)

So, it looks to me like you are practicing polyamory with everyone's knowledge and consent. Your marriage would apprear to be "open" and perhaps your husband prefers swinging to poly, but that doesn't mean that you are not in a polyamorous arrangement.

I hope you stay for a while and participate here. You are more than welcome, no matter what you call your arrangement.
 
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I'm not ignoring you're responses....

I've had some family drama... I knew it was coming, but it still hit kinda suddenly.

I'll be back in a few days, thank you for your logical yet kind responses.
 
I hope that drama goes away quickly. :(
 
So, my drama is mostly over now. It was as follows:

My husband's recently widowed mother moved in 7/10 of a mile from my house. I went to help her move in, because she doesn't have a lot of people to count on. She's uneducated but highly intelligent and we aren't "out" to her yet, so it makes me nervous to hang around with her because I'm not a natural liar, people can tell if I'm leaving things out. The next time my husband comes home, we plan to out ourselves... but that could be months.

Seven days ago, my boyfriend's wife went out of town. When she leaves town, I care for him like he's my own. When she's in town, we still see each other, but we get much less time. However, Just because my MIL is now right down from the road from me, I have no intention of not seeing someone I care deeply for and rarely get quality time with, but worrying about getting caught and accused of cheating weighs heavily on my mind.

My BF has been introduced to my MIL, last summer, as my best friend. It explains why I spend so much time with him, and why he helps around my house so much. HOWEVER, my husband's family consists largely of jack Mormon rednecks, and my BF is a level 90 nerd. When they met him, just thinking he's my friend... they talked SO MUCH SHIT. They don't understand why I would hang out with him, probably because they've never truly understood me. I ADORE my husband, but I always have been and always will be, at my core, a HUGE nerd. My husband and I have lots in common, usually people watching, and an ability to escape into a world of silly nonsense that's just our own. However, I actually have more in common with my BF, and he has more in common with me than he does with his wife. That said, coming out as a poly family to my MIL is going to be very hard to deal with, because she has openly expressed such intense derision toward my BF.

Then, the other day I have her over for breakfast, because she's all alone and I know she isn't eating right. She comes over, and asked me "Don't you ever worry that they think you two are fucking?" I'm like "worry about who?" and she says "Your husband and his wife"... and because I'm too chicken to come out without my husband by my side, I said "You have to understand.. we have a very OPEN..... and HONEST..... relationship" Ah, I love semantics.

Anyway, the BF's wife came home today, the MIL hasn't asked any new questions, and things have calmed down again. I just feel like I'm constantly lying to people I care about. I just want the stress to end...
 
Sorry to hear that your in-laws have been giving you crap. It is hard to live in the closet; coming out can be hard too. :(
 
Thank you. I don't expect coming out to my mother in law to be easy, but at least I won't feel like a liar anymore.

I still can't tell my dad.. he'd be disappointed in me, but try really hard to be supportive... but lucky for me, he's several counties over. It's easier to keep from him without direct lies..
 
Life never goes as planned

So my husband came home for the first time in 7 months. It was wonderful to see him, and I wish he could have stayed longer than 28 hours. However, I'm very happy because that was 18 more hours than I thought I was getting.

It was an eye opening experience for me.

First, we didn't come out to mom. I'm kinda glad we didn't though. The hubby seems to think it's already been handled, and he told me to just keep doing what I'm doing.

Second, I know how to share space better with my boyfriend than I do with my husband at this point. That worries me. Makes me think the hubby isn't home often enough for this poly thing to work. I am madly in love with my hubby, and care deeply for my boyfriend, and I KNOW I'll always choose the hubby if I'm made to choose.... but what message does it send to him that he's practically a stranger to me? Thanks to my husband's medical issues and how awkward we were with each other, sex that used to be boring and routine (and PERFECT) is now awkward, and full of excuses. Yet sex with the BF is, if anything, more passionate, better than ever, and totally in sync ...

Last, and probably worst... when I was in tears because my visit with my husband didn't go as I hoped... wanna guess who I was texting for comfort?

.... I still adore my husband, and he knows this. I just have to wonder if I'm too attached to my BF.
 
Seven months away from anyone will result in some awkwardness. How long will your husband be away before you see him again?
 
I honestly don't know.
Some times I see him every other week for a month.
Sometimes I see him twice a year.
He's a truck driver, where we live isn't on major trucking lines, and the company works for is three hours away from us.
Plus this year we're only barely the black. The truck is costing us a lot, and he missed several weeks when his dad died.
 
I didn't know that truckers had to pay for their own rig, I figured their parent company would foot the bill. It must be stressful, not knowing how long he'll be away.
 
I think it's perfectly natural that you feel closer, and more sexually connected, to your bf right now. You have a long distance relationship with your husband. It's usually the other way around. Wives live with their husbands, and might have a LDR thing with an OSO.

It's quite understandable that sex would be stilted and awkward after 7 months apart. You're kind of like a military wife, where a man is deployed for years at a time, with only infrequent visits home. Seeing your h for just one day after 7 months apart, and no idea how long he will be gone now, sounds like torture to me.

I say, thank goodness for your bf! Otherwise you'd be so lonely!
 
No, not every trucker has to pay for his rig. My hubby and I were baited in by higher "by mile" pay, and low truck payments (relative to by mile pay). He's working so that I can take classes full time. I'm his retirement plan.

Last year, money was GREAT. First year making payments on the truck, taxes mostly paid, and LOTS of good miles. This year, started off with a fizzle. His dad was diagnosed with throat cancer, and started Chemo and Radiation. Within a couple weeks a once strong, mightily bearded man was a bald, shriveled ghost of the man he once was. Then he had a brain aneurysm. He had surgery, and slipped into a coma. My husband, to whom family is EVERYTHING, took 3, almost 4 weeks off to sit by his side, as a good only child should. But it hurt us financially, ESPECIALLY since the truck took a shit on us, and needed almost $20,000 of repairs. We only had about $8,000 in our maintenance accounts.
Being a Lease Operator is expensive, but when you have as bad of credit as we do, it's a lease on a new life as well. It was the right decision for us.... Except my husband has full body arthritis. Think Rheumatoid, but it's actually untreated gout. (He hates pills). The plan is for him to be OTR until I get my bachelor's degree, and then he comes home, hires another driver to drive his truck, and I work full time.
I'm down for all this. He's the only person that 100% "gets" me, I'll do anything to take care of him.
but, I still have 2 years of school left, and his healthy is beyond shitty, and I'm scared I won't be ready to take care of him when he truly needs someone to take care of him... PLUS... at this point, I feel like I communicate better with my married BF.

The BF, as much as I do NOT want to dump him.... is feeling like a complication to an already complicated situation...yet in my husband's absence... I feel like the BF is my sanity, my rock (which is ironic because he's not very stable himself)

[today on Days's of our VelvetArt...](yeah I feel like a soap opera)
 
I think it's perfectly natural that you feel closer, and more sexually connected, to your bf right now. You have a long distance relationship with your husband. It's usually the other way around. Wives live with their husbands, and might have a LDR thing with an OSO.

It's quite understandable that sex would be stilted and awkward after 7 months apart. You're kind of like a military wife, where a man is deployed for years at a time, with only infrequent visits home. Seeing your h for just one day after 7 months apart, and no idea how long he will be gone now, sounds like torture to me.

I say, thank goodness for your bf! Otherwise you'd be so lonely!

Thank you. I really wanted to hear this. My BF is around a lot more than my hubby... and while I'm pretty sure his wife is the only woman who can deal with his shit long term... I love him more than I care to admit.

that said, I thought he was going to take the sting out of my visit with my hubby. He said he'd be over to see me "as early as possible" so I could vent... but it's 5pm, and he's still not here, and I'm starting to feel like an afterthought to both of them.
 
two full time men in my life.. and an open hall pass...

and I feel so alone....

Maybe because I'm not a priority to anyone...
 
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