New here (of course) and looking for friends and advice

It is a sad situation and having such a brief time with the husband they love would make anyone sad. Not having enough time to properly connect makes it worse. The fact that he did make the effort to come see you says to me that you are a priority for him.

Leetah
 
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You don't have to take up the "poly" label if you don't want to. :) You're still welcome to be in the clubhouse & consider yourself a member just as much as you please.
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Despite often being a very emotional guy, I'm known for being a bit hyperrational, too, so take the following in that context, 'kay? ;)

It sounds as though you & your husband are in a difficult situation -- not perilous, but definitely troublesome.

And I'd say that you having a steady "outside" relationship is playing a major role in keeping your mariage together.

He can get pulled away from you yet be certain he'll at least still have a home to return to, & that you're not likely to suddenly replace him.

You can be certain that the man you loved enough to marry will return to you, & in the meantime that you won't drive yourself crazy from loneliness & possibly leap into an ill-advised relationship.

Guessing a little, it seems as though your boyfriend has two women who love him.

It's far from ideal, sure, but from what you've said thus far it appears manageable as you build toward something less overall stressful.
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Are there long-separation stresses? Yep -- as Kevin said, military deployment does a lot of this.

My wife was never shipped out, but at one point she spent half a year in Monterey, stopped off in Minneapolis for a weekend, then did four+ months at the Pentagon. Before she went west, though, I warned her that if she got any ideas about not coming home, she'd better know it couldn't be retracted. Naturally, she took it lightly, said I was getting panicky, but agreed to abandon all claims on our house & property if she left me.

Actually, I wasn't any more worried than usual. I knew her very well by then. :cool:

She did a lot, saw a lot, learned a lot, & met all sorts of new people. Months after her return, she finally admitted that she came back intending to file for divorce; our contract made her stop & think, though. It was almost like a sort of negative NRE where everything & everyone & everywhere else were all wonderful, & all she could focus on was how badly I looked in comparison.

I loved her, & I worried about her, & I knew it was impossible to argue with. I was ready to take the property, accept the divorce, & split the cost of legal mediation.

Meantime, I encouraged her to keep in touch with her exciting new friends & lovers. It took more than a month for her to remember what a great team we were, & by then she was already losing interest in chasing off after new experiences.
 
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I feel like the "poly" label is the only one that fits.

I adore my husband in a very real and passionate manner... he's the only man I could ever see myself living with. Before he went on the road we lived together for 13 years. He's only been OTR for two years, and yet I worry we've grown apart too much...

My boyfriend.. is my best friend. He's not very emotionally stable himself, plus he has a family, full time job, and two side jobs. He doesn't usually have time for me. It usually doesn't bother me.

Last night though, I texted him because EVERYTHING was going wrong with the hubby. He was kind, supportive of our marriage, and volunteered to come see me today.. share a smoke, gimme a hug, some place safe to vent...

Then today was the postponement game. I realized at like 10am that "early as possible" was a lie... and at least left the house and accomplished something. Then, an hour before he said he wasn't coming at all, I was already drinking, because I knew I was alone.
Then he got sassy with me, said he won't make promises anymore because they always result in someone mad at him.
I'm not mad. I'm just alone. I'm sad. I really could have used a hug and a shared smoke. I wasn't looking for hours of sex. Just a hug.

That's ok. I'm tough. I'll drink tonight, and be strong tomorrow.

FML. I often wonder what's wrong with me, that no one feels I'm worth BEING with... even my husband, he left to be on the truck. I know he says it's so he can support me while I go to school.. but when no one else has time for me either... I suspect the problem is with me.
 
I ask this gingerly and gently but are you sure the drinking is helping the sad feelings? You could read your post from 3 this afternoon to remind yourself how good the plan with your husband is.

If your boyfriend cannot keep promises then indeed he should not make them.

Leetah
 
the drinking certainly isn't helping.

but since none of the involved are here to see the bad side of it, I see no reason not to take solace in it.

I am aware it's a problem I should deal with. It's just not one I'm ready to deal with yet. Thank you for your cautious and polite concern though.


That's really sweet and I appreciate it.
 
Hey VelvetArt,

I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through all this stuff. And I don't blame you if you don't have any great way to cope; believe me, I've been there. The only difference is I can't carry as much pressure as I can see you are carrying.

Hang in there, and please post here whenever you need to.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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