Been a while

Moonglow

New member
Hello Polyfriends,

I haven't been here in a while but I wanted to say hi. I am bumping along in life and for a while poly was working. I had a V but inexplicably my secondary decided certain things and as usual I have no say in how things go because it is a long distance relationship. When he visits he no longer stays with us. My primary relationship is the same, rock. My DH is ok with things but the V is broken for sure. He was not amused at the disruption of vacation plans and felt it was manipulative and calculated. The end result was a beautiful vacation planned, half with sec and then the second half all of us... just became husband, and a non romantic friend and me. part was scuba and sec was supposed to be dive buddy, non romantic friend became dive buddy)

I keep in contact with secondary daily by texts but the inexplicable behaviors have broken my heart where I keep him at friendly arm's length. He seems to think we are still in love, but my bruised heart will no longer allow me to utter the words "I love you" to him.

I just haven't been lucky in poly. I don't know if it is still right for me but I hope someday it will be.

I started reading the threads again.
 
Hi Moonglow,

Sorry to hear things are on the rocks with your secondary. :( Don't give up, sometimes we have bad luck in life but sometimes we have good luck too. Think about the good relationship you have with DH, that's something to be glad about.

I don't know whether you'll be able to patch things up with secondary, but regardless I hope you end up with a happy poly ending.

We are here to listen, support, and advise if you want.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks!

I wish I could get him to talk about it. But it will never be the way it was. He can't take all the stuff back he said. I think in a way he was going to break up with me because he decided to tell me what he thought about my husband and some of the things I kind of already knew about. Nothing that I don't accept because it is him. I can't fix that part, I can only hope at some point he will be more tolerant toward him but I am not pushing it. I am not hoping for the reconciliation of the old relationship though, when it worked it seemed really good and that is kind of sad. I am solid at home. I am still sort of working the secondary but not like it was, just trying to be friends right now.

You all are great.
 
Sounds like there's been some sort of conflict between secondary and DH. Everybody has faults; he shouldn't just write DH off if that's what he was doing.

I guess sometimes you just have to let the romantic part go and work on being friends instead. Angry words can't be taken back; maybe secondary just didn't realize that.

Sorry he won't talk about it.
 
not sure

I don't think there was a showdown or anything. DH is passive and I think sec. just made a decision about something and will not discuss.

I have been steadily stepping back. It would seem the more I step back, the more seconday says, "we are fine" and I don't feel it is. I am not pushing the issue any more and honestly that has given me a lot of peace.

Interestingly enough someone new started chatting with me about life and told me about a relationship that worked for years. So that gives me hope. :) Funny how the universe answers.:rolleyes:
 
Maybe to secondary, "We are fine," means he doesn't want as much of a relationship as you originally thought? that he is comfortable at arm's length?

In any case, poly relationships do work so don't give up hope.
 
well

we are fine means, he gets what he wants. I went through a couple of weeks of really missing him, and it made me out of sorts. I feel sometimes like a yo yo... up and down, up and down. I know that I probably want more than I am getting from this but trying to discuss this objectively has become more of a hassle to get anywhere.

I think maybe just the struggle with communication has taken a toll from how I feel.
 
It's lopsided if he gets what he wants, but you don't get what you want. Maybe he is looking at this from a point of view of his own self-interest? and maybe he isn't very good at being a listener? That would explain why communication with him is such a strain.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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