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Inthedark

New member
Hi everyone!
I am returning to the forum after nearly 18 months and I hope that I can get some of the same types of advice that I was given before.
So my wife and I have been living the lifestyle since 2014. In that time she has had one boyfriend and multiple more casual encounters. I personally have had no relationships outside of the marriage. There are several reasons for this. One, I am not very outgoing. Two, I feel that I want to focus mainly on my wife right now. But that brings me to my issue.
My wife was in a wonderful relationship with a man named Bill. They had a great time together and the best part was that her relationship with him really enhanced our marriage. But it turns out that Bill was a charlatan and they broke up. After I helped my wife through her first poly break up, it seemed that she and I were closer than ever. It also seemed that she wanted to take a break from the lifestyle. This was fine with me but unfortunately it led to a long dry spell fro us. Lately, I have been trying to rekindle the flame. On occasion I have had success but for the most part I have been getting pushed aside.
You see, over the past several months, my wife has become very involved with several members of certain Facebook groups that she belongs to. At first it was no problem but after a while she began spending all of her time chatting with these people and it became very hard for me to communicate with her. Two weeks ago, she told me that she wanted a divorce so that she could run off and be with one of her FB guys. This was the first time that I realized that she was creating relationships with some of these people. I was devastated. I felt like I was being cheated on because she violated our first rule of being open and honest. Well, she decided that requesting a divorce was silly and that she was just caught up in things, and she apologized for hurting me. After two weeks of trying to talk things out and figure out how the FB relationships work in the framework of our poly marriage, I learned that many of the people that she chats with are just idle chit chat but there are several that are more serious. She has allowed me to see some of her conversations and she has talked to me about two or three people. But here is the rub, or at least part of it. She has told many people that she is divorced or getting a divorce. With one exception she will not allow me to have any insight into her relationships with those people. That worries me and it bothers me.
The next part of the problem is that she is ALWAYS texting these people. One guy, I found out last night, is who she calls her "New Bill." He knows about me, he is willing to follow the rules and he seems like a great dude. No problems with her being involved with him. The problem is that she is spending all of her time and focusing all of her energy on him and several other more casual relationships and I am kind of left with little or nothing. It leaves me with an emotional void. Even if I had someone else, that void would still be there because my wife is my universe! Every time I try to tell her that it bothers me that she is spending so much time with them, she gets angry. IF she does put the phone down she to spend time with me it seems like she is doing it out of obligation and not desire. I am also being led to believe that I have to compete with several (I don't know how many) other people. It's killing me.
So, Am I over reacting?
What advice do you all have for me? Thanks!
 
No, you are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid.

Your wife is lying to you and frankly, was cheating on you. She is breaking your agreements about being open and honest.

Of course, there are degrees of being open and honest. No one needs to tell their SO every detail of their other relationships. In fact, that could be detrimental.

How much, specifically, do you want to be told? When she just gets a crush? When she sets up a date? Etc.

She is in NRE with several people. Poly newbies can handle their NRE very badly. Right now, she is extremely focused on her other potential partners. She is definitely neglecting you. If she is resentful of meeting even a modicum of your needs, to the point of acting all pissy if you request a few hours of her focused time, what will YOU do?

It's up to you to make a choice. Ask for her to go to counseling with you? Throw in the towel and split? You're in charge of getting what you want and need. You don't need to be content with her crumbs. It's very disturbing she is throwing around the divorce idea without telling you. Yuck. Maybe you'd both be happier if you split and made fresh starts. Time to be assertive and make some choices.

It is concerning she is "your whole world" though. This smacks of co-dependency. This is a common theme in the monogamous world, but really, it's an unattainable goal and not particularly healthy.
 
There are three sides to every story; what I say, what she says and what's really going on. I have only given my side. Right now we are working on figuring out what's really going on. One of our rules, and its a hard rule, is that I will be told when there is another person. I don't want to know details but I do like to know their name, where they are, and what they do. I'm a little voyeuristic so from time to time I like to know some other things but usually very little. I am hurt because I do think that she began this whole thing all wrong, but I believe that it wasn't done to hurt me. I'm no innocent angel and I make her life as hard or as wonderful as she makes mine! LOL. I do appreciate the advice. And we are seeking counseling. Its hard to find a poly friendly counselor though. The only one we know of in town would have a conflict of interest because she is also see's our daughter. But we are working it out. We are very happy together. Just hit some bumps from time to time.
 
Although you're right that your daughter's counselor would probably not be willing to see you and your wife due to conflict of interest, she might be able to recommend other poly-friendly counselors to you. As a professional herself, she's probably more aware of and better able to find out about that type of thing than you.
 
Hi Inthedark,

It sounds like you need to sit down with your wife and have a long heart-to-heart with her. You need to tell her how much she means to you, and how you are hurting because it seems like you are losing your connection with her.

I know this must be a hard time to go through.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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