FloorChicken
New member
Hi, everyone. I realize this subject has been beaten to death, but I'm desperate for some advice.
My husband of 10 years has made it clear from the onset that he and other men have a desire to sleep with other women. Over this ten-year period, he's brought up the subject of being in an open relationship frequently, but it's only been in the last few years that both the frequency and urgency has increased.
This last time, he's revealed that he NEEDS to sleep with other women and if he continues on as he has been, he'll slip up and cheat on me eventually. He's told me repeatedly that he loves me, he only wants me, and wants to keep the life we've built together, but we just need to get over this "hurdle." He promises that he can have sex without any kind of emotional attachment. He feels that he's doing the right thing by being honest with me and he was hoping bringing the subject up over and over would lead to my eventually accepting it.
He initially proposed a "don't-ask-don't-tell" arrangement where he would never let it interfere with our time together and I'd be none the wiser. I said absolutely not and furthermore, I would not be sitting at home while he was out with other women. I don't want to date or sleep with other men, but I'll do it if he pushes this. He said that's not ideal for him, but it'd only be fair that I'm allowed to do the same, although he's expressed concerns that I might find someone else and leave him. I told him that's a possibility.
I am monogamous in heart, body, and mind and if there was ever a person who would never cheat or want to sleep with someone else, it'd be me, so naturally I'm struggling with this a great deal. I acknowledge that he may have needs, but I'm not convinced that our relationship wouldn't change despite his proclamations to the contrary. Even if he can have sex without emotional attachment, can the other women? If I sleep with other men, I know I'd get attached. I also don't think I could just allow him to come home and snuggle up with me knowing he'd just slept with another woman.
Despite the great deal of pain I'm experiencing from this, I offered to let him sleep with an escort or a woman he'd never see again because I think that would significantly reduce the chances of any kind of emotional attachment. He didn't like that idea and would prefer to have something more ongoing. This indicates to me, and I told him as much, that if I give him an inch, he'll want a mile. He can tell me he won't get attached all he likes, but we're all human beings and you can't fully predict your emotions in matters such as these.
I spoke to someone online who is polyamorous, and she said that he's living in a fantasy world if he thinks he can just have sex with other women and continue to have the same wonderful and loving relationship he has with me. We really do have a loving and wonderful relationship in every other way, but I'm starting to worry that we're sexually incompatible and we'd be better off with other people who were better aligned with our needs.
He's since decided he's never going to bring this subject up again and he wants to pretend it didn't happen, but I'm concerned he's just resigned himself to cheat on me. We don't have children, I own the home, and I'm financially independent, so I'm not bound to him, but I love him dearly. I'm concerned we're just not compatible and he only loves me as a friend. We used to have sex all the time. Now we have it very infrequently, but I almost never say no to him and I'm quite enthusiastic when it happens--he just never initiates it anymore.
I know this kind of question gets asked and over and over again, but I'm hoping someone can give me insight and I could perhaps get him to read your responses. I don't think what he wants will work because he seems to think we'll just be introducing sex with other people, but our relationship won't change.
Thank you so much!
My husband of 10 years has made it clear from the onset that he and other men have a desire to sleep with other women. Over this ten-year period, he's brought up the subject of being in an open relationship frequently, but it's only been in the last few years that both the frequency and urgency has increased.
This last time, he's revealed that he NEEDS to sleep with other women and if he continues on as he has been, he'll slip up and cheat on me eventually. He's told me repeatedly that he loves me, he only wants me, and wants to keep the life we've built together, but we just need to get over this "hurdle." He promises that he can have sex without any kind of emotional attachment. He feels that he's doing the right thing by being honest with me and he was hoping bringing the subject up over and over would lead to my eventually accepting it.
He initially proposed a "don't-ask-don't-tell" arrangement where he would never let it interfere with our time together and I'd be none the wiser. I said absolutely not and furthermore, I would not be sitting at home while he was out with other women. I don't want to date or sleep with other men, but I'll do it if he pushes this. He said that's not ideal for him, but it'd only be fair that I'm allowed to do the same, although he's expressed concerns that I might find someone else and leave him. I told him that's a possibility.
I am monogamous in heart, body, and mind and if there was ever a person who would never cheat or want to sleep with someone else, it'd be me, so naturally I'm struggling with this a great deal. I acknowledge that he may have needs, but I'm not convinced that our relationship wouldn't change despite his proclamations to the contrary. Even if he can have sex without emotional attachment, can the other women? If I sleep with other men, I know I'd get attached. I also don't think I could just allow him to come home and snuggle up with me knowing he'd just slept with another woman.
Despite the great deal of pain I'm experiencing from this, I offered to let him sleep with an escort or a woman he'd never see again because I think that would significantly reduce the chances of any kind of emotional attachment. He didn't like that idea and would prefer to have something more ongoing. This indicates to me, and I told him as much, that if I give him an inch, he'll want a mile. He can tell me he won't get attached all he likes, but we're all human beings and you can't fully predict your emotions in matters such as these.
I spoke to someone online who is polyamorous, and she said that he's living in a fantasy world if he thinks he can just have sex with other women and continue to have the same wonderful and loving relationship he has with me. We really do have a loving and wonderful relationship in every other way, but I'm starting to worry that we're sexually incompatible and we'd be better off with other people who were better aligned with our needs.
He's since decided he's never going to bring this subject up again and he wants to pretend it didn't happen, but I'm concerned he's just resigned himself to cheat on me. We don't have children, I own the home, and I'm financially independent, so I'm not bound to him, but I love him dearly. I'm concerned we're just not compatible and he only loves me as a friend. We used to have sex all the time. Now we have it very infrequently, but I almost never say no to him and I'm quite enthusiastic when it happens--he just never initiates it anymore.
I know this kind of question gets asked and over and over again, but I'm hoping someone can give me insight and I could perhaps get him to read your responses. I don't think what he wants will work because he seems to think we'll just be introducing sex with other people, but our relationship won't change.
Thank you so much!
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