Hello,
I hope you can help me!
I have identified poly for 15 years and been in various forms of poly relationships in that time. I met my now husband and was open with wanting poly. We did some but not much with it and we were functionally monogamous with a few several month flings. I am hierarchically poly and have always been even when I was the second or third.
Fast forward to now - I have 2 small children (under a year and 3 years.) 2 years ago my husband met a wonderful woman (call her K) that I adore. Nothing sexual between us unfortunately but I am looking forward to a larger house where we can live together and she really embodies everything I think of when I hear sister wife. When she came into our lives I was newly pregnant and needing help - we established time rules where she watched my son so I could have a date night with my husband and I would then have my son alone at night so she could go on a date. Perfect.
1 year ago my husband met a woman who is anarchist poly, call her J. K and J dated briefly but it didn't work out. J is not comfortable around kids alone and is more introverted in general. There was initial friction between J and K because the rules were different- K "pays" for her date night by watching my kids so I can get a date night as well. J doesn't want to do that which is fine, but then she isn't contributing the same effort to the success of the bigger family that K is.
I agreed it was different but felt like K was at a different place than J. K has become a close friend and the only thing stopping her from moving in and Co parenting is the size of our tiny house. J was just 1 date a month girl and I will fully admit my fault in not putting the same effort into building my relationship with her.
Add onto this my husband works frequent overtime.
Last month my husband and J expressed a desire to deepen their relationship. However I am struggling. I don't know where extra time for J could possibly come from short of me feeling like a single parent. I don't want to be a bitch but I need my husband home helping with chores and bath time. K gets more time with us and John has expressed jealousy, but K creates room to get time - she comes over and makes dinner, last night she helped fold laundry so husband could go to bed faster and therefore have more time for 1:1.
Last piece in the book. Recently a close friend who sonetime watches our kids also expressed interest in my husband. I found myself more willing to take on more work for that relationship to succeed because I feel like she is invested in the family as a whole (me and the kids and K.)
Saying you have to work for your date time sounds horrible, but it is in essence how I feel. How would you navigate this? Is it fair to say if you date him you are dating the family and if it isn't ok, how do I deal with the different effort levels without resentment and preferences building?
I hope you can help me!
I have identified poly for 15 years and been in various forms of poly relationships in that time. I met my now husband and was open with wanting poly. We did some but not much with it and we were functionally monogamous with a few several month flings. I am hierarchically poly and have always been even when I was the second or third.
Fast forward to now - I have 2 small children (under a year and 3 years.) 2 years ago my husband met a wonderful woman (call her K) that I adore. Nothing sexual between us unfortunately but I am looking forward to a larger house where we can live together and she really embodies everything I think of when I hear sister wife. When she came into our lives I was newly pregnant and needing help - we established time rules where she watched my son so I could have a date night with my husband and I would then have my son alone at night so she could go on a date. Perfect.
1 year ago my husband met a woman who is anarchist poly, call her J. K and J dated briefly but it didn't work out. J is not comfortable around kids alone and is more introverted in general. There was initial friction between J and K because the rules were different- K "pays" for her date night by watching my kids so I can get a date night as well. J doesn't want to do that which is fine, but then she isn't contributing the same effort to the success of the bigger family that K is.
I agreed it was different but felt like K was at a different place than J. K has become a close friend and the only thing stopping her from moving in and Co parenting is the size of our tiny house. J was just 1 date a month girl and I will fully admit my fault in not putting the same effort into building my relationship with her.
Add onto this my husband works frequent overtime.
Last month my husband and J expressed a desire to deepen their relationship. However I am struggling. I don't know where extra time for J could possibly come from short of me feeling like a single parent. I don't want to be a bitch but I need my husband home helping with chores and bath time. K gets more time with us and John has expressed jealousy, but K creates room to get time - she comes over and makes dinner, last night she helped fold laundry so husband could go to bed faster and therefore have more time for 1:1.
Last piece in the book. Recently a close friend who sonetime watches our kids also expressed interest in my husband. I found myself more willing to take on more work for that relationship to succeed because I feel like she is invested in the family as a whole (me and the kids and K.)
Saying you have to work for your date time sounds horrible, but it is in essence how I feel. How would you navigate this? Is it fair to say if you date him you are dating the family and if it isn't ok, how do I deal with the different effort levels without resentment and preferences building?
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