I understand exactly what he is saying OR what you said he said...
First post I felt compelled to, register, and reply.
I am going to give you some background so you can understand my perserctive.
OK, I understand EXACTLY what the Writer is going through. My wife earlier this fall all the sudden decided she was going to date other people weather or not I was ok with it because 5 years ago I told her it was ok to explore her sexual needs desires and wants. I am not saying 5 years ago I would have been ok with it in actuality, but it came out of the blue this year. It caught me completely flat footed. Also our relationship was having a fair amount of problems that we had let go to their own devices and they had compounded in our neglect.
Now I have a tendency to have the mentality that sex is sex it doesn't mean anything other than a good time (that’s not to say it isn't special it just doesn't have to be tied to love). This is the swinger mentality I have and operate from. I would rather just pay for sex and not deal with the emotional upkeep needed in a relationship (I am not really poly). The Wifey however cannot let someone touch her unless she feels comfortable with some one after a couple of dates. This bothered the living hell out of me in the beginning. Until I figured out she is poly and I am, not I am more of a swinger. We were at odds until I learned what poly is and that there are words to describe. Having a name for it and a set of terms that WE agree upon (me and her, the rest of the world can argue about definitions until they are blue in the face). So that when we have a conversation we are speaking the same language. I had a real hard time in the beginning, dealing with jealousy, envy, and separation anxiety. She had a real hard time communicating her wants/needs and managing her/our time.
I knew I had a real me problem with the jealousy, I was jealous that I wasn't getting to spend time with her and she didn't want to spend her free time with me. It was later that I realized I was also envious that she got to go on dates with other people and I didn't (not that I really had the desire to, but I didn't even get the option) I was also envious of her dates because we didn't go on dates together. I really need her to reassure me that she still loves me and wants to be with me and I am still her primary and that she isn’t replacing me. However until we learned that I needed this reassurance I was probably a bit too aggressive in my sticking my nose into her business and wanting to be informed of involved with things, it made me feel like I had control of the things that were affecting me. When in reality it was probably just making me an annoying ass. During an exceptionally bad anxiety spell I went on a walk and I had all the thoughts of well I need to put limits on how many times she can see a person or how many times a week she can go out and who she was chatting with on OKC. I realized before i even made it back home from my anxiety walk that most of those things wouldn't work and were not any of my business. And no amount of rules and protocols are going to do a damn thing except point out where we failed. I am still curious about who she chats with on OKC as I am trying to figure out her "type" and what she finds attractive or at least what she is bothering to go after but I try to ask only after she is obviously texting someone new. Is this any of my business, probably not but it is a huge source of curiosity (its a me problem).
She did help me work on my “me” problems, by going on dates and making me face my jealousy and envy, and helping me by reassuring me and talking through what was going on in my head. We know now that She is after "Secondaries" (friends with benefits) and that I get very annoyed if she goes on more than 2 dates a week. We also figured out she gets ragged if she goes on more than 2 dates in a week and that puts a strain on all relationships. We also both know that she still wants to spend 6-7 days a week with me. I still have a problem when she is texting incessantly, I don't care whom with but I get more annoyed when it is with her OKC friends. I still feel she has a problem texting too much.
I really want her to go on dates and what not, but I know I am a bit closed off after she spends time with other people, some times for a day or so. I feel a bit pushed away so I push away, I am trying to be better about it but I am human with 30+ years of habits.
So let me now give you some pointed advice. If what I have said made any sense already…
Don't ask permission, per se. You have wants/needs/desires too Say something like I am going to go for coffee this week probably Thursday, unless there is something WE need or want to do that day. Be assertive but not demanding and don't coddle his negative behavior it only makes it worse. Like wise it is rude to say to anybody who you/they have assumed will be spending time together due to ingrained patterns or unchecked assertions that, oh by the way I am going to fuck off for a couple of hours to have coffee with someone (no matter who it is paramour, mother, the pope). You are the nexus point of several relationships it is your new job to manage your and their time, energy and effort. You need to be a bit better about making plans and less spontaneous at least until you get the hang of your relationships and what they need.
You need to be clear with your paramours that if you don't feel its right to answer the phone that they should leave a message and you will get back to them. If you wouldn't answer the phone if your mom or a bff were calling because it isn't the right thing to do, then don't answer your paramours call either... be phone courteous. If you know it bothers him be polite and don't answer it like wise if you wouldn't answer one of those calls in front of your mother don't answer it in front of him. At least until he has dealt with or is better dealing with his “me” problems.
MAKE HIM DEAL WITH HIS “ME” PROBLEMS. It is real damn easy to hide from them and let them fester. Tell him to describe what he is feeling or thinking as if he was describing it to a 5 year old. This will make him use his base language set and he can cobble words to get his feelings across. Jealousy and envy thrive in solitude, communication destroys solitude. Deal with the discomfort of communicating or deal with a break up (several probably). He isn't communicating. Ask him what are his wants/needs/desires that come from your relationship. I am guessing he needs/wants more of your time and attention.
Learn the difference between triggers and motivations, for example I am triggered by the wife going on dates or becoming too focused on her phone. I am really jealous of those things, nope, what I am jealous of the lack of attention to me (or possibly just annoyed that she isn't respecting us time and spending too much time on the phone, it can be both)
Talk about how much time is ok for you to be together vs being apart in a given period of time. You know what talk about everything communication is the key. You need to be a vast resource of communication, that isn’t so say you have to tell him everything all the time but you need to be very open with the information he needs to know, and forthcoming with the information he asks that is appropriate to give him.
Does he need a hobby? I know I will get yelled at or at leas looked down upon for saying this but yes in some small way I view the wive's dating as a hobby it helps me deal with it in a form that isn't threatening to me. I decided that I needed to work on a hobby while she is dating; it helps me not to let the darkness in. I can love her and photography; she can love her paramours and me. Likewise if you view it from the point of view hobby time you might understand how it can be annoying to him that you spend so much time on your hobby. (I know it might not be what some people consider an appropriate perspective but it is how I can better relate, and I see so much of myself in what she has described writer as)
I really want to suggest you and he listen to this podcast
http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/22...e-entitlement-the-gentleperverts-social-club/
Listen to it separately then listen to it together and discuss. They bring up a lot of really good points and perspectives.
I feel that being poly or mono is really a part of who we are as people just like gay or straight, bi… It is also the descriptor for a style of relationship. At the end of the day we, like our relationships, are all unique. Only in retrospective can we describe them perfectly until then we have to constantly reevaluate them and redefine them in a constantly changing way. Good luck and Have him join or relay messages to us we are here to help BOTH of you.
I can't tell if it posted so second attempt.