Confused

kimmie

New member
Hello everyone!

I have been in polyamorous relationships in the past, but I always figured that it was because my "main" relationship wasn't fulfilling enough.

I find myself in a situation where I have the best boyfriend in the world. He treats me better than I've ever been treated in my life, and we are planning on getting married next year.

However, we have been in a long distance relationship for over 3 years. I have been faithful to him the entire time... up until about a month ago. I ended up meeting a man who totally understands me, emotionally. I have never connected with someone so quickly! One thing lead to another and we fell in love.

Now I'm in love with both of them. My boyfriend found out about the other relationship, and surprisingly, he's willing to work things out and still allow me time to see my other guy. My other guy already knew about my current relationship and has expressed that he's into polyamory and wants to be a "second"

Things seem great! But I know that my current boyfriend is suffering. This is hard for him, but he's really trying to make it work. I know deep down that it hurts him to share me with someone else.

I have been doing everything in my power to assure him that my love for him has not changed.. and in fact has grown because I see that he cares about me enough to try to make this work. But I know that deep down, he's wondering what he could do differently to be 100% of what I need.

He and I are actually moving in together in the next couple of weeks... I'm not sure how I will navigate my relationships with these two incredible men without hurting one or both of them. I hope that being on this forum will give me some insight.
 
Greetings kimmie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You have two men to care for. You will have to do a balancing act.

Your fiancé has said that he is okay with you spending time with the other guy. You should take him at his word. If he has reservations, it could be nerves in general and something he can work on himself, something he wants to work on. That's different from actually not wanting you to have the other relationship (and lying about his non-consent).

With the misgivings you have, you might want to postpone your wedding. In other words, don't plan a wedding date until things have stabilized.

Those are my initial thoughts anyway.
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I have been faithful to him the entire time... up until about a month ago.

Does that mean you and fiance agreed to be exclusive and you cheated on the agreements? :confused:

If so, might want to put the brakes on. There may need to be some healing time first.

But I know that my current boyfriend is suffering. This is hard for him, but he's really trying to make it work. I know deep down that it hurts him to share me with someone else

You could hold off on the wedding til you sort all that out. I'm a fan of loooong engagements.

If he initially signed up to be Engaged to consider (Closed marriage) with you, and now you are changing the offer? You are now suggesting he sign up to be Engaged to consider (Open marriage with you as a hinge with a BF)?

Don't be in a rush to marry. Sit down an really consider!

To me a successful engagement ends in one of two ways:

  • The people find they ARE deeply compatible and move on to wedding planning.
  • The people find they are NOT deeply compatible and end the engagement. They save themselves the wedding expenses, sad marriage, and divorce costs.

I'm not sure how I will navigate my relationships with these two incredible men without hurting one or both of them.

One way is to encourage BF not to be signing up for a new thing just because he wants to avoid a break up. Guard against sunk cost fallacy. Really consider if this is good fit for him or not.

If he's going to sign up for a new offer of (married and poly) he has to be sure he is (monoamorous in his love style but poly friendly in relationship model) or (polyamorous himself in love style and poly friendly in relationship model).

If he is at core (monoamorous in his love style and wants a monogamous shape for his romances)? That means he really wants a 1:1 model. Him signing up for a 1:1:1 model is him going against his grain.

As the hinge if you see him hurting himself doing that, you could NOT accept his offer to go there against his grain. You could say "Thank you. I see that you want to. But this isn't how you really want to live. Not even for me should you sell yourself short like that."

There's trying to make things work and there's trying to make a kite that won't fly, fly anyway. YKWIM? Figure out which kind of problem you have here.

Since Engagement time is a time for deep thinking, I suggest you both take advantage and take all the time you need. Do not rush on to wedding planning.

Galagirl
 
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But I know that deep down, he's wondering what he could do differently to be 100% of what I need.

This bit, RIGHT HERE.

For me, it is part of the appeal of polyamory that we should not feel pressured to be All The Things to our partner(s). If one tries to change to be All The Things, they aren't getting that you love them for exactly who they already are. It's a measure of really loving and accepting someone that you might find what you need with more than one instead of expecting a partner to change to suit you. If that makes any sense? It's how I feel anyhow.
 
I hope you find a way....

My wife and I recently began a polyamorous relationship another man (I say we because we are best friends and he is her lover). She tells me much of what you are saying about your boyfriend. I am trying hard myself to figure out a way to make this work in my head. My heart says this is right... he gets along with our kids. I love the guy myself like a brother and honestly he is the best friend I've ever had. I just am so nervous. I can't seem to shake it. My heart says it's ok... my head is screaming no. My wife is trying very hard to keep my confidence high and it helps a bit. I to have had those thoughts of what I could have done to make her feel more fulfilled and I know time is probably the best solution...but it's damn hard. Blessed be and I hope you guys figure it out!!!!
 
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