New to Poly & Feeling Outcast

Txbbw0211

New member
I've recently begun a poly relationship with my roommate. He'd also been talking to a girl in OH about creating a vee. I'm open to this arrangement, but I'm constantly feeling like I'm on the outside looking in. I've tried to share my feelings and self doubts and while I've been told things will change, there really don't appear to be any results. We started a group chat so she and I could learn about each other, but that only lasted 24 hours. I work FT, he works PT and she doesn't work. This gives her 24/7 access to him as he's constantly answering her messages and they have an arranged phone call every night at bedtime. I know I'm feeling jealousy, but I don't know how to deal with it. Given that I've already tried to discuss my feelings, how can I make it clear that I'm feeling left out without sounding like a petulant child? Even time that he and I have set aside for the two of us is marred by his constant responses to her texts. I'm not sure if I should give up on poly so quickly, figure out a way to tough it out or seek out another partner that will give me what I feel I need. I've mentioned that I think that part of the problem is balancing 2 new relationships at the same time. While I've been told it'll all work out, I'm losing sleep and having more detrimental feelings, including self-doubt.
 
To me, it seems very disrespectful of him to text his other partner during his time with you, especially since your time with him is much more limited than hers. Does he also constantly text you when he's with her?

My partners and I have agreements that we will not call or text other partners or potentials when we're together. It's slightly different with Hubby, since we live together and don't actually have "couples time" with each other, nor does he have or want other partners. But with my two non-husband partners, who do see other people, the agreement applies. Unless it's an emergency, we do not make or respond to calls or texts from any other partner/potential partner. (If one of us goes to the bathroom or something, the other might check their phone, but the phone gets set aside again as soon as the one comes back.)

I would advise suggesting a similar agreement to your partner. Since you refer to him as your roommate, I'm assuming you live together, so I wouldn't suggest that you ask him not to text his other partner *anytime* you're together. But if it's time that has been specifically arranged for you as a couple, there is no need or reason for him to be in contact with this other woman. So just say to him, "It hurts me when we're spending 'couples time' together but you're constantly texting her. That causes me to feel like I'm less important and our time doesn't matter to you. I would prefer that you not respond to her during our time, and I won't text or call anyone else either. If that isn't something you're willing to agree to, I'm not sure I can continue seeing you, because I can't be in a relationship where I don't feel valued or respected."

Don't tell him he "can't" call or text her during your time; that would be an attempt to control his behavior, and you can't control others. Just tell him what you would like to see happen (him not texting or responding to her during your couple's time) and what your boundary is ("I can't be in a relationship where I don't feel valued or respected.") Let him respond to you. Discuss it. See if you can compromise if necessary.

But you deserve to be and feel respected, and it sounds like he's not giving you that. Asserting your needs isn't being a "petulant child." You have the right to speak up for yourself.
 
Since the two of you live together it will be virtually impossible for them to always communicate only when you are not around. Because of this, you guys need a schedule, or at least an understanding.

When I was home with my wife, my LDRs would simply ask if I could talk or would understand if I didn't answer right away. Your hinge needs to work that out. It's not going to just correct itself as they hope.

It might also help to see it from her perspective. You get to see him a lot. She doesn't get to see him at all. It is hardly fair to consider any time you two are in your shared space together as your time.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if my opinion could help you any. FWIW, here it is.

I have to admit to going "What?" when I read that you recently began a poly relationship with your roomie.

In dating that's starting out pretty involved. It's not "I'm dating a person and then I go back to my home." It's more like "We just starting dating AND we instantly moved in together."

That's rough all by itself even without adding the poly stress on top of it. When do you get down time? :confused:

Given that I've already tried to discuss my feelings, how can I make it clear that I'm feeling left out without sounding like a petulant child?

Could stop talking about your feelings. Could start asking for concrete behavior changes on your side of the V.

Like...

"Could you please be willing to arrange some of your phone dates at a different time and only sometimes at bed time? Rather than 7 nights a week at bed time? I would like to spend date time with you at nights too. I'd like a schedule, please."

"Could you be willing to repsect (you + me) space when we are together on a date by turning devices off and being present? I am willing to respect (you + her) space when you are having phone/computer dates with her so you can be present without interruptions on those dates."

He can say "Yes" or he can say "No" but you get to see what behavior he's ACTUALLY going to put in to helping this all work out. Or not. Then you can decide if you want to keep on with him as a hinge or not. Is this "all talk no show" from him so far?

I've tried to share my feelings and self doubts and while I've been told things will change, there really don't appear to be any results.

Change by when? And through what behaviors? I think that's the missing part of the conversation.

I'm not sure if I should give up on poly so quickly, figure out a way to tough it out or seek out another partner that will give me what I feel I need.

If you have already clocked enough time in this to know it isn't a runner? Drop out now. Why drag it out?

If you want to give it more time, pick a reasonable deadline in your head. Another X weeks or months. But certainly not 50 years! If his behavior doesn't start to improve and/or you don't see some effort being made toward more balanced V behavior by X date? Bow out then.

This is YOUR dating life. Take charge of it. You choose what you do/do not participate in. Not anyone else.

While I've been told it'll all work out, I'm losing sleep and having more detrimental feelings, including self-doubt.

If you experience poor behaviors here? I think it is OK to doubt whether or not you have put yourself in a good dating situation or not. It makes you re-assess if you still want to be here or not. I encourage you to do the soul searching you need to be doing.

I could be wrong... but to me? It sounds like you aren't being told what behavior he will do from his side to help it "all work out." You sound like you are being asked to have blind faith. And then you experience poor behaviors: Being caught up with texts while on a date with you. Every night having a call with her. Poor time management. That's a vote for "I have no confidence in you, hinge" rather than "I have confidence in you, hinge." Just because he's agreed to be the hinge doesn't mean he's automatically GREAT at being a hinge and GREAT at managing multiple partners.

It also sounds like maybe you are possibly making the hinge be in charge of all rather than you being in charge of YOUR dating life and your stuff. Stop worrying about "sounding like a petulant child." If basically your needs are not met here, they just are not met here. Rather than complain again to no avail? Make a decision. Can you live with it like this or not? YOU be in charge of you.

When you agree to date someone... that doesn't mean they are automatically long haul compatible. That's what dating is FOR. To sort out who is compatible and who is not.

So if it turns out he's not someone you want to do poly with? And you already know it? Let it go sooner rather than later. Maybe poly date someone else who has it better together. Or not do poly any more. Whatever feels good to YOU in your dating life. Because it is YOUR dating life.

And possibly rethink the roomie situation in future. I would put roomies on the "messy people" list. People that I do not want to date because if it goes wrong, it gets messy. I don't want to be stuck living with an ex. Or have the hassles of changing apartments/homes at an awkward time financially.

In future -- regardless of how this turns out -- maybe consider having that boundary for yourself. "Roomies are messy. No dating them unless one of us moves out first."

Then when you date them, it can be "I'm dating this new person. And then I go home." Rather than "I'm dating this new person, AND we instantly moved in together AND we are doing new poly." That's too much stress to me. The only down time you might get from all that is at work, and then that's not really down time because that has work stress over there.

Galagirl
 
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Feeling left out of what? Their relationship is their relationship not yours. Just because you share a partner doe not mean you magically get to be privy to their relationship.

His partner doesn't need to be your friend. Heck she doesn't even have to like you. Only thing she should be is respectful.

Your issue is with your shared partner. If you want quality time without an interruption ask for it. Do not place the blame on her because guess what he is the one who continues contact by answering.
 
As you and roomie/lover live together, the other woman may very well feel the same way about you (i.e. that it's you who gets way more time with hinge) despite your work schedule. Therefore, she may feel a need to stay in near-constant contact with him in order to feel like she is getting "equal time".

All of this leads to jealousy - envy, to be more precise - and an unhealthy sense of competitiveness between you and the other woman.

What can you do about this? Well, as the others said, you can and should advocate for your own needs and express your boundaries to your partner. Only YOU can decide what these are.

For example, no phonecalls or texting before or after a certain time each day. OR pick a couple of days during the week that are all "yours/partners" and a couple of days where he and his OSO don't have any limits on contact. You get the picture. Whatever works well for you BOTH, after you've discussed the issue and come to some form of compromise.

Having said all that... a lot of this depends on how long you have been in this relationship and if you've already tried and failed to work this issue out.

It sounds like you're very new to this kind of relationship structure and I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself to have it "all figured out" already - especially considering your lover is also your roommate which doesn't really allow for much decompression time or space away from each other.

By the very nature of your living situation, you're constantly exposed to what is going on in the other relationship, even if only by proxy. I'm not sure this is healthy this early into a transition to poly. You may want to think about living separately if you wish to continue dating this guy.
 
Hello Txbbw0211,

A lot of good stuff has been posted on this thread so far, and I am hopeful that you will find some of it helpful. For my part, I'll just suggest that you ask your partner/roommate to set aside a certain time each day that will be just for you and him ... and ask him to turn off his phone during those times. This way you don't have to be watching him text her all the time.

I can sympathize with your frustration when you see that she can talk to him any time she wants, while you have to work full-time and she doesn't have to work at all. I just hope the three of you can work out a compromise. Something all of you can live with.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I've recently begun a poly relationship with my roommate.
Nope, I'm gonna stop you right there.

How EXACTLY is it "a poly relationship"? How many ongoing sexual partners do each of you already have? How long has each of you managed to successfully balance two or more intimate relationships?

Your scenario runs downhill from there. He shouldn't dump his "vee" plans on you -- that's NOT polyamory. He shouldn't be cruising the Internet for strangers he can plug into his threesome fantasy -- that's NOT polyamory.

Someone might aspire to eventually developing the necessary skills to be polyamorous, but I have the feling that's a long way off, & might not ever encompass all three of you.

Either commit to exploring polyamory (probably with someone else), or commit to walking away from it. Do not reach for the High Drama of being forced away by one amazingly stupid experience.

Do not read ANY "how to deal with jealousy" bullshit. Most of it is useful only for telling you you're a bad person & not deserving to have feelings or doubts. (Unless, of course, that sort of ragdoll masochism is what you're into.)

Please consider the possibility that he might be a self-absorbed dick. In the meantime, though, sit down & actually speak with him about all this stuff. Make clear statements; ask clear questions; get clear answers. If you can't make yourself clear, that is partially his failure to properly draw you out, to give you assurance of being heard.
 
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