I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if my opinion could help you any. FWIW, here it is.
I have to admit to going "What?" when I read that you recently began a poly relationship with your roomie.
In dating that's starting out pretty involved. It's not "I'm dating a person and then I go back to my home." It's more like "We just starting dating AND we instantly moved in together."
That's rough all by itself even without adding the poly stress on top of it. When do you get down time?
Given that I've already tried to discuss my feelings, how can I make it clear that I'm feeling left out without sounding like a petulant child?
Could stop talking about your feelings. Could start asking for concrete behavior changes on your side of the V.
Like...
"Could you please be willing to arrange some of your phone dates at a different time and only sometimes at bed time? Rather than 7 nights a week at bed time? I would like to spend date time with you at nights too. I'd like a schedule, please."
"Could you be willing to repsect (you + me) space when we are together on a date by turning devices off and being present? I am willing to respect (you + her) space when you are having phone/computer dates with her so you can be present without interruptions on those dates."
He can say "Yes" or he can say "No" but you get to see what behavior he's ACTUALLY going to put in to helping this all work out. Or not. Then you can decide if you want to keep on with him as a hinge or not. Is this "all talk no show" from him so far?
I've tried to share my feelings and self doubts and while I've been told things will change, there really don't appear to be any results.
Change by
when? And through
what behaviors? I think that's the missing part of the conversation.
I'm not sure if I should give up on poly so quickly, figure out a way to tough it out or seek out another partner that will give me what I feel I need.
If you have already clocked enough time in this to know it isn't a runner? Drop out now. Why drag it out?
If you want to give it more time, pick a reasonable deadline in your head. Another X weeks or months. But certainly not 50 years! If his behavior doesn't start to improve and/or you don't see some effort being made toward more balanced V behavior by X date? Bow out then.
This is YOUR dating life. Take charge of it. You choose what you do/do not participate in. Not anyone else.
While I've been told it'll all work out, I'm losing sleep and having more detrimental feelings, including self-doubt.
If you experience poor behaviors here? I think it is OK to doubt whether or not you have put yourself in a good dating situation or not. It makes you re-assess if you still want to be here or not. I encourage you to do the soul searching you need to be doing.
I could be wrong... but to me? It sounds like you aren't being told what behavior he will do from his side to help it "all work out." You sound like you are being asked to have blind faith. And then you experience poor behaviors: Being caught up with texts while on a date with you. Every night having a call with her. Poor time management. That's a vote for "I have no confidence in you, hinge" rather than "I have confidence in you, hinge." Just because he's agreed to be the hinge doesn't mean he's automatically GREAT at being a hinge and GREAT at managing multiple partners.
It also sounds like maybe you are possibly making the hinge be in charge of all rather than you being in charge of YOUR dating life and your stuff. Stop worrying about "sounding like a petulant child." If basically your needs are not met here, they just are not met here. Rather than complain again to no avail? Make a decision. Can you live with it like this or not? YOU be in charge of you.
When you agree to date someone... that doesn't mean they are
automatically long haul compatible. That's what dating is FOR. To sort out who is compatible and who is not.
So if it turns out he's not someone you want to do poly with? And you already know it? Let it go sooner rather than later. Maybe poly date someone else who has it better together. Or not do poly any more. Whatever feels good to YOU in your dating life. Because it is YOUR dating life.
And possibly rethink the roomie situation in future. I would put roomies on the "messy people" list. People that I do not want to date because if it goes wrong, it gets messy. I don't want to be stuck living with an ex. Or have the hassles of changing apartments/homes at an awkward time financially.
In future -- regardless of how this turns out -- maybe consider having that boundary for yourself. "Roomies are messy. No dating them unless one of us moves out first."
Then when you date them, it can be "I'm dating this new person. And then I go home." Rather than "I'm dating this new person, AND we instantly moved in together AND we are doing new poly." That's too much stress to me. The only down time you might get from all that is at work, and then that's not really down time because that has work stress over there.
Galagirl