Advice Needed on Boundaries

To me it's weird that the first place his mind would go is "if she knows who my friend is she will sabotage things."

I thought that was weird too.

Is it because that's the first thing HE would do? And he thinks everyone else thinks like him? :confused:

Or because there's hinky going on he doesn't want revealed and he's doing damage control/assessing risks to himself? Like "Busted! Fucked it up with swede123. Wait... did swede123 make it so I'm busted over there too? And I'm fucked there too?" :confused:

The whole thing is just so distasteful to me. I don't care if my partner wants to date other people. Just do it on the level, treat all partners respectfully, and without all this weird like he's always trying pull something over on someone somewhere.

I cannot trust a person who behaves like that. If I cannot trust and feel safe here? Then I don't want to be in the relationship. I'm not up for shenanigans.

Galagirl
 
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Agreed, it's like some sick validation that he's better/smarter than her and I. I got pulled into his circus for a long time because of my own need for validation. The one thing C has done without realising it is helping me to grow and be able to validate myself And understand that validation from someone like him isn't validation at all.
 
Don't you think that's a bit... bizarre?

I have every right to be uncomfortable with how someone else lives their life.

I have every right to ask that they change.

I have every right to withdraw if we can't find compromise.

Damning someone else's feelings as immaturity ("insecurity") seems unproductive at best.[/QUOTE

Not as bizarre as I find this misreading.

Or, honestly, the idea that you deciding what someone FEELS as they date someone else is. I’m stumped by that— not the DESIRE but the practicality. No one can control how they feel or their connection with someone else. Deciding not to feel a connection is a promise we can’r keep

And you misread me if you found that a condemnation and not one of two plausible alternatives. Granted, it could have been better written.

It’s a rather common position in poly that you have the right to control what you do with someone and how stretched you are willing to go- but your partner gets to decide how accommodating they are able to be and what they ultimately do. And it’s healthier for you to concentrate on YOIR relationship- not theirs. For your sake. For me, this was really helpful for me in navigating poly— recognizing autonomy was necessary in it partner’s other relationships.

And you don’r really have a right to ask your partner to change, always. If it’s harmful to someone else, or them, it’s kind of untenable.

(I would like you to stop abstaining from murdering your ex when you feel angry at them- a no go. “I would like you to stop falling in love with someone that you are in relationship with@— is also harmful to both parties. Not to the same degree- but no, you don’t get to ask someone else to not feel something. It’s a common mistake to think you can. And in practice, I believe, controlling- thogh societally acceptable- to ask.
 
1234567 you are absolutely right that no one else has a right to control how someone feels but the point I was making is that if we agreed something together I have a right to expect him to honour that agreement and if something needs to be discussed, I have a right not to be lied to.

The point is moot now as I have made a decision to go my own way as I cannot be in a relationship with anyone who does not respect me enough to be honest.
 
"C then told me he has never felt as close to any woman as he did to me in that moment."

Red alert! This is what a jackass/player/manipulator says to the woman he is manipulating, in order to get out of a situation in which he was caught being a jackass. Run run run!

Dump this guy immediately. No need to waste more time with him.

I guarantee that he has been lying to the other woman as well as to you. I'm sure she believes she is his girlfriend.

This guy seems to be the type of dude who lies to women, cheats, says whatever he needs to say to get his way--and then blames the women for "stirring up trouble" if something goes wrong. He tries to keep the women in his life separate, ostensibly because they'll have cat fights over him if they meet each other, but in reality because when the women compare notes, they'll figure out he was lying to them both.

If he were emotionally mature, responsible and kind-hearted, he could be very happy as a genuinely poly guy with multiple girlfriends. But even so, he would not be the right guy for you, because you don't want to be polyamorous.

Also, he's a jackass.
 
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