BelleRose
New member
Hi, everyone. You may remember me from two years ago when I attempted to have my first relationship with a poly person, only to be pulled into a really crappy V with a guy and his mono gf. Anyway, I tried to go back to mono relationships. I thought it was all just too hard. Being objectified by men I'm interested in because they don't hear poly, they just hear sexually available. Feeling like I couldn't have the things I wanted, like commitment, love, and maybe kids, if I was openly poly. Like maybe I could try being...I don't know...monogamish, as it were, and maybe that would be enough. But the fact that I am and have probably always been poly by nature has torpedoed everything I tried. And I want to say that that's why I'm giving it a real try now. Because I'm all brave and strong and enlightened. But really it's because I fell in love with someone I can't avoid. Wouldn't want to avoid if I could. And it finally got to a point where the fear of being with him no longer outweighed the pain of being without him.
So I'm trying. And honestly, it's been mostly effortless. He has a girlfriend he's been with for eight years. He introduced us...well, no. We'd met. I just hadn't realized who I'd been meeting at the time. I thought it would be awful. I thought I'd feel jealous and insecure and have to grit my teeth and fight through it, but it was just the opposite. She's lovely. She was welcoming, and kind, and honestly I like her a lot and look forward to getting to know her. I thought that if she didn't make me feel threatened, this amazing woman he's shared his life with for nearly a decade, that no one else would. And then I found out that wasn't true. I can feel all those things. The fact that I didn't feel it with her is a testament to the kind of person she is. Who she and my partner are. But other people...
So at the risk of being too honest. We work together. We didn't always. He works at my favorite bar, that's how I met him. And now I work there too. And that's always complicated - work relationships - because in a way it's like high school, all the different personalities shoved into a microcosm. And then add booze - and other stuff, for some - and it gets even more fun. I think the difficulty comes with everyone sort of having their roles; their respective labels. I don't even want to guess at what mine is, but for him, people see him as a ladies man. Like a player type. One of the things that's been so hard about embracing a relationship with him is knowing that people I'm surrounded by on a regular basis will devalue it, chalking it up to sex. Making it feel insignificant - making me feel insignificant.
In any case, we were out the other night with friends from the bar, in the bar, and there was a fair amount of PDA. We were sitting next to a woman who used to work there but she's still a part of our bar family. I would consider her a friend. Not a good one, mind you, but someone I'm on good terms with. She's engaged but in the last few weeks she's been off the rails. Sort of going on benders. I'm fairly certain alcohol wasn't all she was on that night. In any case, she was sitting next to us, and being sort of hostile toward me. That's never happened before and I didn't want to dwell on it but I assumed it had something to do with my obvious involvement with my partner. Apparently I was right. The next morning he told me that she followed him into the bathroom and propositioned him. And nothing happened because he knows her fiancé. And told her to talk to him about it first. Or, if you interpret the way that I heard it, his decision not to have sex with her in the bathroom in that moment was about not wanting to be a part of her cheating on her fiancé, not about the fact that I was sitting at the bar. And that hurts a lot more than I expected.
I'm confused because if I'm okay discussing his relationship with his girlfriend, with his girlfriend, then why is this upsetting me so much? I suspect it's about the lack of respect. I already felt offended and hurt by the way this woman treated me at the bar that night, even before I had all the information. The idea that he would have been game if she hadn't been involved with someone else hurts me even more.
There are still boundaries without exclusivity, right? Am I being unreasonable for feeling like that would have been cruel somehow? I didn't even realize how upset I still was until writing it all down. I just wish I knew what was at the core of what's bothering me. Is it the idea of him having sex with someone else while we're on a date (that seems reasonable, though, no?)? Is it the idea of him sleeping with someone else with me in an adjacent room? Is it him having sex with someone who is actively hostile regarding him to my face? I don't know what it is, which is making it really hard for me. Because I feel like I need his support in this, but because I'm not entirely sure what's bothering me, I don't know what to ask him for.
When he brought it up and I expressed discomfort - albeit in a joking way, because nerves - he seemed to be focused on the fact that she was clearly on drugs and alcohol and had been off the rails lately. But he also mentioned that she'd expressed interest in him before and clearly returns it. Which I have no issue with on it's face. But I just wonder - is this a thing I have to worry about? If we go to dinner and he meets an attractive woman on line for the bathroom do I need to be ready for him to come back to the table and tell me that he just had sex with someone else? I don't think I can handle that. I sort of don't think I should have to.
Advice?
So I'm trying. And honestly, it's been mostly effortless. He has a girlfriend he's been with for eight years. He introduced us...well, no. We'd met. I just hadn't realized who I'd been meeting at the time. I thought it would be awful. I thought I'd feel jealous and insecure and have to grit my teeth and fight through it, but it was just the opposite. She's lovely. She was welcoming, and kind, and honestly I like her a lot and look forward to getting to know her. I thought that if she didn't make me feel threatened, this amazing woman he's shared his life with for nearly a decade, that no one else would. And then I found out that wasn't true. I can feel all those things. The fact that I didn't feel it with her is a testament to the kind of person she is. Who she and my partner are. But other people...
So at the risk of being too honest. We work together. We didn't always. He works at my favorite bar, that's how I met him. And now I work there too. And that's always complicated - work relationships - because in a way it's like high school, all the different personalities shoved into a microcosm. And then add booze - and other stuff, for some - and it gets even more fun. I think the difficulty comes with everyone sort of having their roles; their respective labels. I don't even want to guess at what mine is, but for him, people see him as a ladies man. Like a player type. One of the things that's been so hard about embracing a relationship with him is knowing that people I'm surrounded by on a regular basis will devalue it, chalking it up to sex. Making it feel insignificant - making me feel insignificant.
In any case, we were out the other night with friends from the bar, in the bar, and there was a fair amount of PDA. We were sitting next to a woman who used to work there but she's still a part of our bar family. I would consider her a friend. Not a good one, mind you, but someone I'm on good terms with. She's engaged but in the last few weeks she's been off the rails. Sort of going on benders. I'm fairly certain alcohol wasn't all she was on that night. In any case, she was sitting next to us, and being sort of hostile toward me. That's never happened before and I didn't want to dwell on it but I assumed it had something to do with my obvious involvement with my partner. Apparently I was right. The next morning he told me that she followed him into the bathroom and propositioned him. And nothing happened because he knows her fiancé. And told her to talk to him about it first. Or, if you interpret the way that I heard it, his decision not to have sex with her in the bathroom in that moment was about not wanting to be a part of her cheating on her fiancé, not about the fact that I was sitting at the bar. And that hurts a lot more than I expected.
I'm confused because if I'm okay discussing his relationship with his girlfriend, with his girlfriend, then why is this upsetting me so much? I suspect it's about the lack of respect. I already felt offended and hurt by the way this woman treated me at the bar that night, even before I had all the information. The idea that he would have been game if she hadn't been involved with someone else hurts me even more.
There are still boundaries without exclusivity, right? Am I being unreasonable for feeling like that would have been cruel somehow? I didn't even realize how upset I still was until writing it all down. I just wish I knew what was at the core of what's bothering me. Is it the idea of him having sex with someone else while we're on a date (that seems reasonable, though, no?)? Is it the idea of him sleeping with someone else with me in an adjacent room? Is it him having sex with someone who is actively hostile regarding him to my face? I don't know what it is, which is making it really hard for me. Because I feel like I need his support in this, but because I'm not entirely sure what's bothering me, I don't know what to ask him for.
When he brought it up and I expressed discomfort - albeit in a joking way, because nerves - he seemed to be focused on the fact that she was clearly on drugs and alcohol and had been off the rails lately. But he also mentioned that she'd expressed interest in him before and clearly returns it. Which I have no issue with on it's face. But I just wonder - is this a thing I have to worry about? If we go to dinner and he meets an attractive woman on line for the bathroom do I need to be ready for him to come back to the table and tell me that he just had sex with someone else? I don't think I can handle that. I sort of don't think I should have to.
Advice?
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