just too much

neopoly

New member
Hi, i am feeling as doing something completely wrog. I am happy im polyamory in triad with my two boyfrieds - they love each other and the both love me. We live for four years in the same household. It is kind of dream.
But I always spent lot of time just being crazy in love with someone. I keep falling for other people, other men. It is kind of ok - my partnerss have also their secundary partners. But my relationship never really worked out. I have just some good friends and broken heart. Like I always have to love someone, who is distant and unavailaible. Maybe it is just me - being already with two partners. Right now i just dont know, if i just choose too monogamous people or if i am just mistaken my myself and dont need more relationships. I am still in contact with two my ex-secondary-in hope I still love them and kind of want to have polyamory realitionship with them. But i am also deeply hurt by their party-rejection. Right now i just dont know, if close myself and try to not feel anything outside my primar realationship triad or try hard or dont try at all. I know this is a little chaotic and little hard to answer, but even suggestion helps.
dont know, how name this...maybe polyexhaustion
 
Maybe you are an NRE junkie. New Relationship Energy is the high we feel when we meet and start being with someone new. It wears off after awhile. So maybe you are just addicted to falling in love.
 
Dont know

Thanks for suggestion, but I am usually "in love" for like year and hlaf or in one case it is more than three years. Yes I like nre but ore too. Maybe I just miss the feeling of being special for someone. Even if I actually am special for same people. Maybe I am just melodramatic melancholic and or maybe I just need this oneside,little plaronic relationships...dont know.
 
Hello neopoly,

From what I can tell, you could probably use a break from dating outside your triad. Not that you should stop dating outside your triad forever, just that you should take a break for now. You sound a little worn out from all the drama from your ex-secondaries. Maybe after you've rested a little, you'll be able to try some more outside dating. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, I just think you could use a rest.

If you're willing, keep us updated on this forum as your situation evolves. This will help us be able to give you updated feedback/advice.

Good luck. I hope things go better for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You sound rather tired and dejected. :( Possibly "poly-saturated"?

Some people enjoy the "dating" process itself - meeting new people, exploring new interests - and whether there is "chemistry" or the dating "leads to" a relationship are less important.

Other people find dating to be more "work" and are looking for people to be with for the long haul and don't want to "waste time" on dating people that don't fit the bill.

Some people like their relationships to be clearly defined - so they can adjust their expectations. Others are not troubled by definitions and are fine with "it's complicated" as a relationship "status".

Depending on your knowledge of yourself and your preferences I could see you going in a few different directions to resolve your currant dissonance.

You could narrow things down to a more focused approach. Decide what types of relationships/people you are actually looking for and avoid putting yourself into situations where you are likely to fall "in love" with people that can't fill that role for you. Enjoy your crushes but don't act on them, let them fade.

Or you could let go of definitions and expectations and interact with people "in the moment" without the goal of deciding where the interaction is "going" in the future. Love whomever you want but don't get hung up on what that "love" needs to look like or what "should" happen next.

You could take a break from looking - and find that someone you never would have expected has filled a role in your heart that you never would have considered.

Good Luck!:D
 
Thanks,
It is interesting definition. I thing that my problem is with the fact, that lot of people know that i am poly. I did some activist work and i may look like some lover specialist. But actually only happened, that lot of my relationship are "somewhere" in the middle. I feel lot of people somehow flirting with me, but actually noone really wont to combine some kind of good friendship with the role of some kind of lover.

I have one little sad experience last year. I dated really stressed and hard working mother of two little children, bi, married. I think, i have worked really hard to manage our schedules. But it did not work out in the end. I feel like i should be for her exactly at the moment she want to and at the same time always hear that i dont have enough time and love for her. We dont manage to end our relationship well. I actually break up with her when i was in really complicated life situation, she didt care and just says, that i am not good enough in loving her. But she now has really mixed signals - at one hand she say like she will always love me and make some body contact, at the other hand is really hurt and not able to make normal human communication with me. I feel like i am not able fully end this relationship - she is good friend of one of my primaries.

I kind of feel like i am starting to hate people whose flirt with me, but i feel kind of alone at the same time. But this my not-dating period has good effect on our triad - and this is important.
 
So...when I tried to summ this up, i think, than on my way with polyamory i have understand that:

1. I can happily live in triangle.
2. I can express love, have sex, feel in love and have really intimate friendship outside this triangle.
3. Actually it is probably possible to have stable, happy and realiable polyamory relaitonship with both physical and soul/intelectual intimacy outside our triangle.

So i havent achieve nummer 3 yet. But i hope it is possible and i probably want "something just like this". So if i think about how long it took me to have good, happy primar, nesting relationship, it is not so bad. It is probably good time to rest a little, stop being such polyteenager exploring just everything.
 
So...when I tried to summ this up, i think, than on my way with polyamory i have understand that:

1. I can happily live in triangle.
2. I can express love, have sex, feel in love and have really intimate friendship outside this triangle.
3. Actually it is probably possible to have stable, happy and realiable polyamory relaitonship with both physical and soul/intelectual intimacy outside our triangle.

So i havent achieve nummer 3 yet. But i hope it is possible and i probably want "something just like this". So if i think about how long it took me to have good, happy primar, nesting relationship, it is not so bad. It is probably good time to rest a little, stop being such polyteenager exploring just everything.


That sounds like a good analysis of your situation to me. There is no fire, you don't have to rush. :rolleyes:

Keep your current triad relationships and intimate friendships healthy and well-tended. Take care of your relationship with yourself too. If you like the flirting and attention of others that's fine, but remember that you are not obligated to reciprocate flirting just because you are poly!

This is why I describe my status as "Open but not Looking" - if someone comes along and lightening strikes, that's great, but there is nothing wrong with what I have now.
 
Hi, so lately tried to have some relaxed time and set mu boundaries. I tried to clean my mind from all the unclear rrlationships. I apologize to my exgf. (She accepted but didnt even think about doing the same think) I texted with my not so platonic friend Blue. He always fight with polyamory trying to be mono and ending hughing me and explaining how much he love me. I just want to keep some intimate place with him. But it is also important to me acoid pushing him into poly. I think our relationship means for him just deep friendship and for me somethink little bit different. It is sometimes hurting, but I learnt to not freak out. I just enjoy the level of connection we have. This time I was a little hard and wrote about not being happy with having him just partly. He wrote back in few dayes but just nice picture and no arguments.
I found out that last year I truly fall in love only with one partner Mr. Flower. So I texted him a little bit and then ask him out. It was little bit out of plan. But I like him so much and kind of want to know if I can love him or if I should forget this option. He havnt answer yet. I am a littlebit stressed. Last time he decline on me because his wife healt. I think it was kind of him, but I am not sure, if it wasnt just me.Not sure what he want from me, but even talking with him would be super nice.
My nesting partners are doing wuite well. But I think they started to feel that I am hurt. They feel like I cant share se much joy and I have some jealousity issues. One of my partners have lots of NRE with one of his lovers, they got so intimate close to each other, it is romantic. I love them both, but cant help not to feel little bit insecure. Not much and not so oft.
 
Hi neopoly,

It sounds like you are trying really hard to make something more of your relationship with Mr. Flower. And maybe he is resisting your efforts. Your other friend Blue pushes back against poly, and maybe isn't as into you as you are into him, but you seem to have come to a place of peace about that relationship, like you can enjoy it for what it is. This is the way to go I think, if you try to heat up a relationship and the other person resists, maybe that relationship isn't meant to be something more (at least right now), and should just be enjoyed for what it is.

So there's Blue, Mr. Flower, and your ex-girlfriend. Do you have any prospects besides those three? Is there anything you can do to look for some more prospects? It might help if you could find someone who didn't resist your efforts so much.

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is the way to go I think if you try to heat up a relationship and the other person resists, maybe that relationship isn't meant to be something more (at least right now), and should just be enjoyed for what it is.

Thanks! This makes sense, even if it hurts a bit:eek:. Maybe I try to hard. they aren't my ex. Mr. Flower is more like my boss. I sometimes write for "his" magazine. He interviewed me a year ago about polyamory. I thought he was flirting with me during this interview. I was a little bit upset, stress and finally just surrender to his charm. We have like one date and then he just vanishes. I blamed him for it like three months later. I am really crazy in this case. But he never refuses me directly and sometimes flirts with me, too. He is poly at least say that. Lately, we work together on an article and it was nice. So it made me feel like we could meet and maybe talk, but it clearly wasn't a good idea.

Blue is my friend and we work on projects together. Lately, he said he wants me to wait for him till he open to mine. I am waiting for three years. So I was a little bit angry when he stops seeing me and answering me. Maybe I am just trying to friendzone him. But I just kind of cant. He sends me one nice picture and has me back. Maybe I just have to learn how to being nice to him and maybe don't think anything about our relationship.

And yes I have another prospect! I just realize them after our message. I really like one couple...they were maybe more swingers but I just love the personality of both of them. They were more like close friends for our triad, but they express a desire for more. Maybe I will meet them soon. I have a stronger relationship with the woman, she is like the nicest person I ever met...But I know she has complicated work and many friends and even lovers, but I can just spend some time with her. She kind of like me too
 
Sounds like a promising prospect ... continue to develop a relationship with her and see what happens. If she's kind of a swinger type, you may not get the emotional connection you are looking for. But that's not a certainty.
 
Thanks for your advices...I just keep actualising, hope that it dont bother you.

So main thing is maybe I dont feel the crazy "in love feeling". I dont think there is too much relationships any more...kind of like I have some kind of control and also maybe ability to commit. Dont know exactly, but it is good feeling. But I also dont have officialy have any new lover, but maybe I am actually polysaturated. I have lot of relationship with people and quite many of them are quite open about their sexuality and I can experience same kind of body contact with them and be friends. Also my gret two boyfriends and two ldr lovers...It is nice.

Srill think about mr. Flower sometimes feel guilty because his wife, whitch I maybe samohow hurt even if I dont know her. Sametimes I just wish he would just say somethink, but I tried to make kontakt with him so many times, that I am just tired. We ocasionaly text about same work and intelectual staff, but I dont feed it lately.

...and there is also that new sameone Jacket. Good friend and sametimes we experiece lot of intimacy. He is single and enjoyes time with me. When we speak about sex he said that it will create in him too much desire. So maybe he isnt such polytip. Good think it that I found out that it is mostly fine for my to have relationship with him as a friend or as a lover and I dont really need sex in this case. Only sametimes I begin same body contact cuddle or this staff I know he like it, but it is for me kind of unclear if I can do it or not. Dont want to croos him boudaries or be that desperate girl, who tries to just get laid...I like him and he is romantic and brave, just is aame way,conservative...

So...it is how it is. Think this nre junkies tries to change a bit. Thanx for help.
 
Jacket sounds like a good friend. Like he is not ready for sex at this time, but he is up for cuddles. It kind of sounds like Mr. Flower is fading from the picture, other than the occasional business text. And you still have your two boyfriends (in your triad). It sounds like your relationships with them are going well.

I don't mind your continued posts, it is good to hear how things are going for you. I don't have any advice at this time, you seem to be doing things about right and so I just say carry on.
 
Good time

Thanks.

It is now all so fascinating. I spend a mont without my triad in different city because of one project. Jacket comes to visit me, he also have some obligation in the se city. We spend like five days together, sleep belong each other and spent time together (whitch does no good to our jobs). He still doesnt want to have sex with me, but cuddling is fine and more intensiv, sometimes iniciated by him. He also buyes some kind of rings for us both. We also visited sexshop and bought present for each other and made promise to use it in the same time for the first time. I always tries to keep it real with him and stay on both legs but I am kind of falling for him. It is maybe not that kind of love like with Mr. Flower...it is beautiful, little bit chaotic for me...

Maybe I am just not sure how to speak with him about our relationship. All the time I tried not to scare him and maybe play it like "it is just about friedship and sex if tou want bro..." But now I just dont know if are we somehow togerher...He goes with my triad well, said we have beautiful relationship...I think he is absolutely rational and realistic. We also talk about ou "love" and say each other I love you...so maybe is it ok. Maybe I could try to use a little bit more specifistic language...he know about polyamory but we never said that we have kind of pplyamoric relationship together, just ised word frienship it make us both more save...
 
It sounds like Jacket is a more interesting prospect, like he is more likely to turn out to be romantic but right now he just wants to keep it at friends. I would suggest limiting things at just cuddling, if at some point he wants more he can let you know.
 
I think you are right that you should be more specific with Jacket, and with other friends/maybe lovers. You spend a lot of energy and emotion trying to figure out what other people are thinking or feeling, that IS wearying. If you are specific in telling them how you see your relationship and asking them how they see it you could avoid the guessing on both sides.

To me it seems like Jacket is sending very mixed signals so you could tell him you are confused and would like more clarity.

Of course if you enjoy the flirting and uncertainty then just relax and go with it, try not to get too caught up in long term imaginings.

Leetah
 
Yes, but he is kind of extremly complicatesd person. Sometimes I think he is one of the bravest men I know, but he has medicamnet agains anxienty at the same time. We talk about his past partner experiences and he said that hw thinks that best relatioship he has with girl was platonic. He mentioned also being almost raped by one od hia friends....I hust know that our relationship si more romantic thansexuaul...maybe littlephysicalbut he defitely sont want to sleep with me now. Once he said his unconcisness wants it and conctiousness doesnt. When I repeat it to him he denies it. I am a little confused by his actions. I know I cant push him in any way...I just decided not to text him now for same time and stop being so caring. Maybe he just needs me like same guide in his depression, I was with him from the beginning, when he starts take the antidepresives. He just dont want to any complex and fulltime relationship now and he is also afraid of combination of good friend and lover and I am not quite his type. It is full of contras here...maybe I just want him to know I like him. This relationship does me any harm. Maybe I also need good friend.more than lover. I just have to find same borders, he somehow managed to break nearly all of them.
 
You spend a lot of energy and emotion trying to figure out what other people are thinking or feeling, that IS wearying.

Not only is this tiring, but it's garden variety co-dependent thinking. Contorting ourselves into a shape that fits what someone else wants, usually someone else who is pretty bad at telling us what he wants, is usually a pattern of thought that comes out of a lifetime of having been minimized, dismissed and even punished for attempting to be who we truly are. Sounds like you've learned along the way that it's unsafe to express your wants - to the point that you perhaps don't even know what your own wants are. You're hyper-focused on trying to figure out his wants and his problems, which is a great way to keep your own introspection tamped down.

Why do you think that you're so drawn to someone who is complicated, depressed, not sure you're his type, afraid of intimacy and able to push right through your boundaries? Why him?
 
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Not only is this tiring, but it's garden variety co-dependent thinking. Contorting ourselves into a shape that fits what someone else wants, usually someone else who is pretty bad at telling us what he wants, is usually a pattern of thought that comes out of a lifetime of having been minimized, dismissed and even punished for attempting to be who we truly are. Sounds like you've learned along the way that it's unsafe to express your wants - to the point that you perhaps don't even know what your own wants are. You're hyper-focused on trying to figure out his wants and his problems, which is a great way to keep your own introspection tamped down.

Why do you think that you're so drawn to someone who is complicated, depressed, not sure you're his type, afraid of intimacy and able to push right through your boundaries? Why him?

As one who grew up in a family home in which my wants and needs were barely ever recognized or honored, I find this to be a very insightful collection of words! Thanks, F.A. Well said.

I'm now past the half century mark in age. It has taken a whole damn lifetime to see it all (mostly) through a rear view mirror. It? Well, I mean the patterns of thinking and feeling which one develops when growing up in a family in which one's needs, wants and feelings are not regarded as "as important" as those of the others in the family. If noticed at all.
 
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