Christianity and polyamory...

Melly

New member
I am new to both poly and this forum. Please be kind! :)

I have unintentionally become tangled. Or perhaps more accurately, I’ve become tangled in my friend’s tangle.

He is Christian, married to a lovely woman who is also very jealous. They met in seminary and their church and faith are very important to them. Only, he is polyamorous at heart - he was in a triad with 2 women before joining the seminary, he has never been fully comfortable with monogamy and now, well, there’s me. We met about 6 months ago and our souls knew each other. His wife knows we are friends* and tolerates it - he’s still surprised by that, she’s suspicious even of his female cousin - although she doesn’t know the depth or extent. I have become somewhat close friends with her.

We both hate the dishonesty. We have each tried to end it and have ended up miserable - my husband told me to get back in touch because he couldn’t stand to see me like that. We each feel the other makes us a better person (dishonesty notwithstanding) and the friendship benefits both our marriages. Despite them moving halfway across the world we rely on each other via text.

How can he come clean? She has a biblical view of marriage (*that* was an interesting discussion topic to fall into with her!). Is it possible for that to co-exist with polyamory? How can I support him and/or her through whatever may happen? Any resources that may help, specifically dealing with Christianity?
I am very aware that I am on the losing end of this, but I don’t want to leave him with a broken marriage or on the road to a lifetime of affairs.

* When I say friends... deep friends, mostly via text. We’ve shared an unexpected kiss but have discussed a lot more.

** I know this is, for him, cheating. It happened before we knew it in specific circumstances. We are trying to make it right. **
 
Well, there's a difference between church (institutional) & faith (personal).

Lying to the church (hierarchy & membership alike) is morally equivalent to embezzling from the building fund.

His choice is simple, & requires no prayers for guidance:
  • quit polyamory
  • quit the church
  • "come out" as poly & accept the consequences
IME, more than a few "strict" churches will look away from cheaters, so long as the crap doesn't hit the fan in an embarassing manner. It's as though the "true love" is one person or the other, & maybe just a transition to a new marriage.

But practice of polyamory, with that "multiple loves" stuff, calls the whole marriage thing into question, so does not go over particularly well, even within Unitariansm.

Only IMO, but I'd rather keep my faith & resign my church than vice versa.
 
Hi Melly,

Technically, the Bible has men marrying multiple women ... but that is more a way of devaluing women than it is a way of open our minds about relationships.

When dealing with Christians, I think it comes down to perception about what kind of a person Jesus was. Was he the kind to lay down the law in the letter and/or spirit of the Old Testament? or was he the kind to embrace new ways of thinking, so that if he saw the poly situations of today, he would say that that is good? Based on your description, this man's wife seems to be located in the dogmatic Jesus camp. I don't think you can reach her unless she changes her perception of Jesus. Her husband seems to be located in the progressive Jesus camp. So you have already reached him.

It's possible that outing himself to her may be the very thing that changes her Jesus perception. People don't always respond in the predicted way. You are in a difficult situation and will have to decide, with him, whether the two of you will out yourselves to her. If you out yourselves, you will be taking a gamble. It's not my gamble to take, so I will not advise one way or the other about that.

Unfortunately, poly is not yet a generally-accepted lovestyle. This is especially true with religious types, although that is slowly changing. I hope your story will prove to be part of that change. Keep us posted if you're willing.

There's a good YouTube video about coming out ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8 ... which you may want to view just for the food for thought.

Good luck and God bless.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Regardless of whether or not this person is "poly at heart," he signed up for a mono marriage. You are having an emotional affair, please call it for what it is.

Why isn't HE the one looking for advice? We get a LOT of women on here who are looking for ways for their intended others to somehow convince their wives that poly won't mean less love for them (their wives), etc.

This guy need to get his own life in order before you pursue him. It's up to him and his wife. I guarantee you she wouldn't appreciate any "helpful" advice you give him in trying to sway her opinion.

You really can get over this guy if you choose to, especially since they live so far away. You CHOOSE not to.
 
Does his wife know about the past triad he was in? How does she feel about that? I think how she feels about that will tell a lot about how she would react to his current situation.

If he has never told her about that, then I think it says a lot about a lack of trust in his relationship with her (that he never told her about how he feels “at heart;” that he committed himself to a monogamous marriage with a jealous person despite *knowing* how he feels at heart; that he ended up meeting you — I am guessing through OKC or something similar, since you are mostly friends via text? — and she merely tolerated it...)

I am with power puff, call it what is is: he’s having an affair. Personally, I would stay far away from this guy because he seems super dishonest, but I understand that you have sympathy for him.

The first step is to come out to her about his past history and go from there.
 
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Melly,

It seems that your friend may be involved with a segment of Christianity - and with a wife - that are simply incompatible with who he is as a person. Honestly, there is no easy answer here. His wife will go berserk when he tells her. So will his church people.

Now, to be frank, as someone who was raised Christian and thrown out for being gay at age 16, I have no patience for religion forcing people to be something they are not. It is very damaging on many levels.

I really think he should just sit his wife down and tell her the truth. This might mean losing any job, etc he has in the church, and likely will mean losing his wife as well. But, in my opinion, being honest with oneself and the world is much more important than what some religious institution's opinion on the most personal matters in one's life is.
 
Hello,

i am not sure, what is exactly yours question. But I think polyamory and christianity can work quite good together. I understand polyamory as process, in whose is you ability of love extended. Some people say, that community around Jesus was poly. It is naturaly a little too brave hermeneutic, but maybe not fully bad.

I am christian and theology-study. It wasnt easy at the beginning - i left my church community and it was hard to stay on University, but now after year lot of my christian friends understand, that our triangle is ok.

If I understand yours situation correctly most important is now the belief of his women. It could be something hard to change. Faith naturaly could be closely bond to some expectations, stereotypes maybe mono-dreams. It is not easy way. And it is maybe really hard to say, where on this road his wife is right now. Wish you patience and luck...

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/hippie...olyamory-interview-with-rev-dr-jeff-hood.html
 
Thanks for the helpful comments.
And I’d like to clarify that we met in person, neither of us were looking for anything. It has mostly been by text due to his situation and now geography.
 
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Thanks for the helpful comments.
And I’d like to clarify that we met in person, neither of us were looking for anything. It has mostly been by text due to his situation and now geography.

My apologies for my assumptions!
 
I am new to both poly and this forum. Please be kind!

Sure. I will try to be kind. It just may not be what you want to hear. I do mean this kindly though. :eek:

I do not think ANY of this is going to feel easy. I think you could accept that, and focus on behavior instead of how things feel.

I know this is, for him, cheating. It happened before we knew it in specific circumstances. We are trying to make it right.

Sounds like you both agree this is cheating on his marriage agreements. You both want to make it right. Geography has helped to keep it from becoming more than an emotional affair, but it still is cheating to the both of you.

So you aren't just friends. You are cheating partners.

You both will make it right... by continuing the behavior? :confused:

If the wife has a biblical view of marriage? Like "Christian marriage is a state instituted and ordained by God for the lifelong relationship between one man as husband and one woman as wife?"

1) He shares that view and decides to hold it up better.
  • a) He stops with his cheating and stops seeing you.

2) He gets out of this marriage. Then there are no marriage agreements to cheat on. They no longer apply.

  • a) He tries to get back with you and poly date you on the level.
  • b) He does not try to get back with you.

3) He keeps on cheating on his marraige agreements.

  • a) You are up for it again and go back to it. (<-- do not suggest this, so grey it out.)
  • b) You are not up for it again. He finds another cheating partner.

Those are the choices I see that that he can control, with the parts that you have a stake in.

He decides what his next behaviors will be. How he reconciles his behaviors with his marraige, his values and his faith? That's his stuff to be doing. Not your stuff to sort out.

Your behavior? I think you could break it off. Then you wait to see if it turns out to be 2A or 2B and heal from the cheating part in the meanwhile.

I am very aware that I am on the losing end of this.

Ok. Then why keep on with it so the damage to you is bigger? :confused: You have to be able to say to people "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me." Participating in this sounds like it is hurting you. :(

I don’t want to leave him with a broken marriage or on the road to a lifetime of affairs.

Not your concern or responsibility. His life is his job to manage. It is not your job to be his "life raft" or "rescuer."

If he's gotten himself into an ill fitting marriage? That was his doing. He could get out of it rather than seek affairs.

If he's going to seminary to take a job in a faith tradition his heart is no longer in? Also his doing and his job to get himself out of it.

If he's choosing to continue a cheating affair with you? There you have a voice. You don't have to agree to continue that behavior. He's not treating wife or you well in a cheating affair. You deserve to be dated on the level. Not sneaking around.

How can he come clean?

I suggest he just come clean on his end and you do your stuff on your end. HOW he comes clean? Not your concern or responsibility. His life is job to manage. Let him figure out his "how."

On your end? If at this time all he's offering you is a cheating affair and you hate the dishonesty? You could say "No, thanks. Not a good enough offer for me." Keep it way simpler for you.

We both hate the dishonesty

Then choose to practice honesty with yourselves and other people. Choose not to engage in anything dishonest.

We have each tried to end it and have ended up miserable.

As is appropriate for a break up. No break up, even when necessary, is gonna be FUN. It takes time to heal from it.

my husband told me to get back in touch because he couldn’t stand to see me like that.

Why is (your husband being comfortable) more important than (you taking enough time to fully heal from a cheating affair)?

Your husband sends you back to a hurtful situation so he doesn't have to see your sad face around the house? And you agree to this?

I have unintentionally become tangled. Or perhaps more accurately, I’ve become tangled in my friend’s tangle.

If you value honesty, I think you could be more honest with yourself. If it was unintentional at the start? How you choose to continue IS intentional.

You cannot help having a crush on this guy, but you CAN choose your behaviors. If you choose continue with him in a cheating thing? You choose to continue in a cheating thing.

I have become somewhat close friends with her.

Is it friendly behavior toward her to have an emotional affair behind her back with her spouse? :confused:

We each feel the other makes us a better person (dishonesty notwithstanding) and the friendship benefits both our marriages.

Do all the people affected vote that way? His wife is being kept in the dark. Does she vote that this friendship benefits her marriage?

I think you are mourning. :( And maybe trying to rationalize/cling to what you can. Like you are in the "bargaining stage" in the stages of grief but not quite at final acceptance that this is probably best ended.

I am very sorry for your sadness/disappointment. But to get out of the sadness? I think you could end the affair once and for all and give yourself a chance to really heal from this.

When you cannot have all the values, you have to choose. I think you could choose to answer to the higher value. If you hate dishonesty? That's the higher value right now. Align your behavior toward that. It makes the choices simpler. Hard to FEEL, but simpler: Is continuing with him in a cheating thing holding up your value of honesty? Nope.

Most of your post reads like "I know this is bad, BUT...." even though you don't use those words. And I think somewhere inside you know that and maybe feel sad/regret about it all. :(

It's like you are still hoping to find the "win" when this situation has no "win or lose."

It's more like "this choice stinks, and that choice stinks. So which stinks the least?"

I think ending things stinks less. I don't think dragging things out helps anything. If you are going to linger anywhere, linger in the healing place.

Galagirl
 
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You could just resign yourself to the fact it probably won't go beyond deep friends. Personally, I don't believe such a thing as "emotional affairs" exist. To say a spouse can't have an emotional connection with anyone is the ultimate in ownership mentality.

To him I would ask what the hell is he doing. As an atheist it is a foreign concept to me to even want to belong to an organization in which I would have to pretend to be someone I'm not because a fundamental tenet of that organization would not accept me. That is the ultimate in hypocrisy.
 
The Bible says...

Biblically speaking, for a woman to be having sex or be in a relationship with more than one man, it is a no-go. Here's what is allowed, as I understand it...

A man can have one wife. A man can have multiple wives. If a man has multiple wives, then he is not to be a ranking leader in the church (bishop) because he has more family duties. The Bible is pretty clearly slanted toward monogamy, as the people in the Bible with multiple wives end up not being very happy. Plural marriage has a place in the Bible, but it clearly isn't for everyone and has to be dealt with cautiously.

The Bible also frowns on divorce, btw. I disagree with the common statement that the Bible denigrates women. It does not...or else I wouldn't be a convert to its teachings. Given the time period in which the Scriptures were written, the actions of many of the women of the Bible are quite bold and out of step for their societies. What the Bible does is to establish set roles for men and women, and guidelines for relationships. Some things (such as women covering their heads) are cultural and for a limited time/era. Other things are a principle for all time.

Pretty much, if your friend keeps doing what he is doing, he is unable to live in a Biblical manner. He's cheating on his wife. Maybe not physically yet, but the tendency is now there. And Scripture doesn't give you an "out" for quitting a marriage just because you want to change the rules and your partner doesn't. If he wasn't already married, your friend would have a chance to join a more poly-friendly Christian group. Since he's married, he has to fulfill his duty as a husband to the wife he's got. That's the whole "for better or for worse" clause in the wedding vows...it isn't optional.

Your friend can talk to his wife honestly and try to change her mind, and then accept the matter as settled one way or another. Or he can quit the church and/or faith. If he's a seminary graduate (minister?) he should be more knowledgeable about this stuff than I am, and able to make an informed and hopefully Godly choice.
 
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