Oversharing

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I stop in and hang around on this site periodically, and find it interesting how it has changed.

One of the latest seems to be: the idea of oversharing, within relationships.

Curious to know where people feel the lines should be. Especially when a poly partner is also a bit of a confidante in general, and it's hard to get non- poly people who understand all the ins and outs- most mom people eventually have their eyes glaze over.
 
Depends on the people involved. Sex stuff I'm super transparent with, and let all partners know that their test results are going to shared with my other partners. Person stuff gets filtered depending on the person: Some are okay with their meta knowing they got passed over for a promotion, the other may not and get a 'Tony has some personal stuff going on' to explain why I might be distracted.
 
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I would consider something oversharing if it was, either, something the person would not want shared about themself, or, something the recipient would not want to hear. This can be avoided by checking for consent before sharing. Such as having standing agreements about what kinds of things will or won't be shared.
 
Boho is much more into talking and constant communication than Jester. I'm not sure if it's because we're both women, or because that is simply Boho's preferred style of relating, however the fact is, we are each other's confidantes and best friends, as well as partners/lovers.

Therefore, I guess we both tend to overshare because we tell each other (almost) everything. For Boho it's not so much of an issue, as she is more or less mono with me.

However, I have another co-primary partner, Jester - who just happens to be Boho's ex-partner/former FWB - so it can get tricky when it gets into overly personal territory. I'm not talking about sex talk. We're all fine about sharing that stuff.

But I do have to be mindful about how much really personal, emotional stuff about my relationship with Jester I share with her, as Boho was really hung up on him for a long time and their relationship didn't end under auspicious circumstances, so I try to rein in my enthusiasm when it comes to sharing cute anecdotes, declarations or gifts he might have gotten me.

As we all plan on living together in the not too distant future, it's going to be an exercise in discretion at times, I can already tell.
 
I think every couple figures our for themselves where the TMI line is for the topic at hand. WHO needs to know WHAT.

I wish I could think of a better "neutral" example.

But take diarrhea. I can tell my kids that I have the runs, and my stomach feels bad, so no. We are not going theme parking. That's enough info for them to understand why the weekend plans have changed and have to reschedule.

My spouse would get that level plus a bit more -- like add extra TP to the shopping list or pick up easy to eat food like crackers or get meds or whatever since he's the one who does the house shopping. He needs more data than the children.

But kids and spouse don't need to hear me describe each trip to the bathroom in detail as to color, consistency, frequency, etc. That's TMI for them. Only my doc would need to know that information at that level of detail so they can figure out what to do for me or what might be causing it if it persists.

Telling my kids and spouse that stuff would be oversharing data.

Each person? There's a difference between the amount of data they need to know, amount of data they want to know, and amount of data they have to know (whether they want to know it or not) to be able to do a job.

So... I think each couple that is having a conversation needs to figure out their TMI lines. Each couple having the conversation may draw the line in different spots depending on the topic.

This may also include WHERE the data is shared (in private vs in public), WHEN it is shared (How often? What is checking in too much or too little?), HOW it is shared (verbally, over text, email, etc) and other communication related bits.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with GalaGirl on the need to know basis. Some great advice I've gotten around sharing in poly with one partner about another is they don't necessarily need to know everything. At times, sharing, especially with regard to conflicts, a third party (i.e. Friend, counsellor, family member) is the better choice. Bringing it up to a partner might cause the negative energy to enter into it just in its emotional nature alone.
 
I don't mind offering input, but I detest gossip for the sake of gossip. Annie tried gossip a few times, saying something like "I'm not looking for suggestions, I just want to get this off my chest" so I stopped her & replied "then you should telll someone else that it bothers you -- or better yet, call up the people you're gossiping about & ask them what you can do to improve the situation."
 
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