My husband is poly, I'm ???

lost4naught

New member
Okay so here's some background about my husband and myself.

We've been together for over 13 years. We pretty much grew up together. As with any couples, we've been through our ups and downs. We've stuck it out in times where other couples would fall apart. Dishonesty, long distance, financial problems...

About a year and a half ago, we went on a date with a poly girl. We had always been open and honest about our desire to have someone join us in the bedroom. The date went very well, and we started seeing her more. But the connection between them was very sexual, and I grew jealous.

I'm a firm believer that you can't knock something until you try it, so I gave my husband the freedom to explore polyamory. I was in hell, to say the least. Wondering what he was doing constantly, and resenting that he wanted to spend time with other women rather than be with me.

Eventually, they had ended their relationship (probably because of me and my insecurity). And I knew there was another woman that was mostly a sexual connection. He has not pursued it since because our relationship together was suffering. We have since been better.

But when the topic comes up, and it comes up quite a bit, we never make progress on it. This is something my husband clearly wants, and I don't know if I can accept this in my life. At the same time, I am not certain about whether I want the same freedom. Sounds contradictory, I know.

But this man is the most important person in my life. I don't want to throw away 13 years because I can't adapt to the challenges we face. Maybe poly is good for the both of us. Maybe it isn't. But I need some insight. My husband has always been supportive of me. And I want to be supportive of him.

Thank you for reading.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.


When you decided to take the plunge/ allow him to go off and date how did you prep for that ??? Did you read all the recommended books and articles on this ??

It sounds to me you started off kind of unicorn hunting and he ended up dating the girl. Did you/do you have an Interesting in exploring relationships with women or were you interested in participating in a 3some ?? What was the end plan back then spice up your sex life or explore new avenues ? Has the plan evolved now ??
 
It sounds like you have a basic incompatibility. Some people just don't like being in a relationship with a poly person, and that's OK.

This is a pretty major incompatibility. Sort of like a loving couple wherein one wants kids, and the other definitely does not. Usually they have to let each other go as romantic partners so one can remain child-free and the other can find someone to start a family with. They could remain loving friends, but it's not healthy to spin in circles with a basic incompatibility, no matter how much they love each other's other qualities.

Meeting someone when you are very young and growing up together often does not work out long term. We grow apart. Or we have basic incompatibilities that do not show up until we realise, over time, that there is something about who our partner is, and who we are, that just does not meld.

By the way, polyamory does NOT mean an established couple "shares" a girlfriend. Most poly relationships do not include this dynamic, for various reasons. Polyamory does not mean "threesome sex." You could search "unicorn hunters" here to read about that. But that question might be moot, since you (personally) really don't want to date as a couple. You don't even want another partner, male or female. You want just one partner. But your husband wants more than one.

I (F) am poly and so is my (F) nesting partner. We both enjoy the fact that we each have a bf. We like hearing about each other's fun dates. We like each other's partners. We both also enjoy me-time when the other is with her bf. But this is not your case. You do not need to contort yourself to become poly, if it's just not a good fit for you.
 
lost4naught, there's all sorts of possibilities as to what's going on here.

First of all, you're correct in noting that being involved with a nonmonogamous person doesn't make you automatically "poly" in any way.

You do need to sort out what's happening in YOUR head & in YOUR heart.

Maybe you're okay with your husband having another sexual partner... but not that particular woman. That's fine; we all have our "gut reaction" moments.

Maybe you'd be okay with her... but not right now, whether from current circumstances in your life or his or hers. That's fine.

Maybe you'd be good with it if you had a more active dating life yourself. That's fine.

Maybe you're okay with being involved with someone who has a sexual partner besides you... but your husband doesn't fit the bill. That's fine.
 
Hello lost4naught,
first, it seems there's a bit of a confusion in terms. Polyamory is generally defined as having multiple loving relationships, NOT finding someone to have a threesome or pursuing purely sexual connections, like, none of these are somehow forbidden in polyamory but there's more to adopting the lifestyle than that.
It's very unclear from your post what your intentions and wishes were when diving into this non-monogamous experiment (just a single threesome? a genuine romantic connection?) and what your husbands intentions and wishes are (well, sexually passionate relationships, that much is clear, but what's the status of these other women in his life?)
This uncertainty on intention could be contributing to the jealousy. Just look here:
I gave my husband the freedom to explore polyamory.
What did you consent to here? To do one-night stands? To form genuine romantic connections? For him to do whatever with whomever whenever and not tell you anything? So that the outcome was:
I was in hell, to say the least. Wondering what he was doing constantly, and resenting that he wanted to spend time with other women rather than be with me.
It's fundamentally different to take all the freedom at once without learning the responsibility, vs. get clear on what you two are doing and why, go in small steps and communicate constantly along the way.

But when the topic comes up, and it comes up quite a bit, we never make progress on it. This is something my husband clearly wants, and I don't know if I can accept this in my life. At the same time, I am not certain about whether I want the same freedom. Sounds contradictory, I know.
It's unclear if you can come to terms with some kind of non-monogamy or not. I encourage you to read up on (and discuss with your husband) the different styles of non-monogamy and contemplate for yourself what it is that you want and don't want.

Also this bit?
resenting that he wanted to spend time with other women rather than be with me.
It sounds like there's a strong underlying belief, such as 'my husband should put me first, no matter what'. Try to make it conscious and ask where it comes from and if it's really true. There could be other similar beliefs, so explore them. Maybe you can get a handle on your jealousy that way, maybe not.
Kevin T. has a collection of links on handling jealousy, maybe he'll come along ;)

Once you've done the soul searching, you could re-try on opening up, but this time slowly, setting ground rules and taking care of the needs of your relationship, and you could arrive at some kind of compromise that's ok for both of you (AND the people you get involved with).
Or, you could decide that monogamy is your ideal and this is indeed a fundamental incompatibility between you and your husband.

Best of luck, Tinwen
 
very good advice

Thanks Tinwen,
very good and practical advice. will be applicable to me and my wife as well. My heart is pounding for this kind of empathetic practice while my wife is fixed in her idea of 1 to 1 relationship.



Hello lost4naught,
first, it seems there's a bit of a confusion in terms. Polyamory is generally defined as having multiple loving relationships, NOT finding someone to have a threesome or pursuing purely sexual connections, like, none of these are somehow forbidden in polyamory but there's more to adopting the lifestyle than that.
It's very unclear from your post what your intentions and wishes were when diving into this non-monogamous experiment (just a single threesome? a genuine romantic connection?) and what your husbands intentions and wishes are (well, sexually passionate relationships, that much is clear, but what's the status of these other women in his life?)
This uncertainty on intention could be contributing to the jealousy. Just look here:
What did you consent to here? To do one-night stands? To form genuine romantic connections? For him to do whatever with whomever whenever and not tell you anything? So that the outcome was:
It's fundamentally different to take all the freedom at once without learning the responsibility, vs. get clear on what you two are doing and why, go in small steps and communicate constantly along the way.


It's unclear if you can come to terms with some kind of non-monogamy or not. I encourage you to read up on (and discuss with your husband) the different styles of non-monogamy and contemplate for yourself what it is that you want and don't want.

Also this bit?
It sounds like there's a strong underlying belief, such as 'my husband should put me first, no matter what'. Try to make it conscious and ask where it comes from and if it's really true. There could be other similar beliefs, so explore them. Maybe you can get a handle on your jealousy that way, maybe not.
Kevin T. has a collection of links on handling jealousy, maybe he'll come along ;)

Once you've done the soul searching, you could re-try on opening up, but this time slowly, setting ground rules and taking care of the needs of your relationship, and you could arrive at some kind of compromise that's ok for both of you (AND the people you get involved with).
Or, you could decide that monogamy is your ideal and this is indeed a fundamental incompatibility between you and your husband.

Best of luck, Tinwen
 
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

I mean all this kindly, ok? :eek:

But when the topic comes up, and it comes up quite a bit, we never make progress on it. This is something my husband clearly wants, and I don't know if I can accept this in my life.

It may be that you have come to a crossroads. If he wants to be free TO poly and you want to be free FROM poly... it may be time to let the relationship shape change. It doesn't mean you have to exit each others lives, but it may have to mean changing to "good exes and friends" rather than romantic partners.

If you already know deep down that this is NOT for you? Don't bother reading and stuff. State your limit firmly and be honest about where you stand.

If you aren't sure, you can read, and learn, but after all that? If you still feel deep down that this is NOT for you? You could listen to yourself.

Eventually, they had ended their relationship (probably because of me and my insecurity). And I knew there was another woman that was mostly a sexual connection. He has not pursued it since because our relationship together was suffering. We have since been better.

But don't open again to "try again" and then have people getting hurt all over again. Him, you, other dating partners... last time you all got hurt. This isn't like trying a new restaurant where if it doesn't work out, no big deal. Just a dinner. This is PEOPLE.

But this man is the most important person in my life.

YOU are the most important person in your life. You can love someone a whole lot. Even 49% of your love. But the other 51% you leave for loving you. So you can say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

Being selfless and putting other people first all the time is not a virtue. Putting others first all the time and not attending to what you need is self neglect. :(

If you are thinking about participating in a poly thing when you really don't want to be doing that? That is you choosing to hurt you.


I'm a firm believer that you can't knock something until you try it, so I gave my husband the freedom to explore polyamory. I was in hell, to say the least. Wondering what he was doing constantly, and resenting that he wanted to spend time with other women rather than be with me.

Last time you tried you were in hell. How many visits to hell do you need before you decide this is not for you?

Either actively dating others on your side or not dating on your side.... you would still be in the poly network. And if in your heart you don't really want to be doing any of that? But you do it again anyway to keep the relationship shape going or to avoid hard conversations or avoid a break up?

That's not being true to yourself or what you value. It's not taking good care of you.

I don't want to throw away 13 years because I can't adapt to the challenges we face. Maybe poly is good for the both of us. Maybe it isn't. But I need some insight.

Those 13 years aren't thrown away. They have happened and they have been enjoyed. But don't fall into sunk cost fallacy. Like just because you've had a good 13 years, you have to start doing things now you don't like now just to remain his romantic partner.

My husband has always been supportive of me. And I want to be supportive of him.

Well, if this were a bus trip? And he wants to go to Poly Town, and you don't? You can get off the bus. He can continue on without you. That's being supportive of his wishes/preferences to go on that trip. While also being supportive of your wishes/preferences to NOT go there.

I can imagine it feels hard to think about. But I encourage you to do some soul searching and be really honest with yourself and with him.

It is ok to not want poly. If deep down this is not something you want, I don't think any amount of reading and things will change that.

In other words... if the problem is that you are willing to go there, but not yet able.... because you need more info, skills, etc? That is one thing. Maybe you guys need to change your approach to how you "do poly." You don't have to share a GF. You can date separately, or only one of you date or whatever it is you decide works best.

But if the problem is that no amount of learning skills and becoming more able will help because you are just not willing to go there? Not your thing and will never be your thing?

Could not bother going there then. Why make a tough thing tougher? If this is going to be like a lot of work only to return back to square 1? ( "Do you want to take this bus trip? No. I really don't want to go there") Then your energies may be better spent in coming to terms rather than taking any unnecessary side trips.

I cannot tell which kind of problem this is for you. The first kind (lack of knowledge or skills) or the second kind (not even wanting to do this). I suggest you start there. Figure out which kind of problem this is.

Galagirl
 
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Hello lost4naught,

I was wondering if you could go into more detail on what it is about polyamory that troubles you. Or at least, about your husband practicing polyamory. You seem undecided on whether you'd like to do polyamory yourself.

Here are the links for handling jealousy ...

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hope that helps.
Kevin T.
 
How much communication did you and your partner have getting into poly?

"Hell" is a big place. Do you have specific things you had a problem with?

Did you have support to deal with your insecurity and jealousy? NRE can be an intoxicating time for the involved partner and can lead to you feeling neglected or abandoned when they are all dazzled by the new relationship and not focusing on what is "normal". How supportive was your husband over your insecurities?

Have you tried dating someone independently without your husband around? I've never done it, but I imagine threesomes can be very hard. But if his relationship is not under your nose, and you have your own relationships you can pursue without being distracted by what your husband is up to - or worse competing with him for the attentions of the same person who is new to both of you, who is a woman and already attracted to your husband.... sounds stacked against you.

I'd say don't rush into opening your relationship again, but before you throw a 13 year relationship away do try to get a more nuanced view of what went down and what upset you the most. Was it the idea of him having sex with another woman at all, or it working for him, but not you - so you basically end up losing the partner you had to someone else and gaining none.... These things can be fixed and if you found the idea appealing originally, a more suitable way of being poly is also possible - with both of you seeking your own relationships rather than tangling everything together, that too with a partner interested mostly in him (the second woman too sounds like that) and you left twiddling your thumbs minus the sexual partner you began with as well.

I am asking because of this "The date went very well, and we started seeing her more. But the connection between them was very sexual, and I grew jealous." this sounds more like you were not able to handle that relationship situation and jealousy specifically rather than being averse to poly - which you enjoyed "very well" till the relationship between them changed in ways that excluded you and you couldn't handle. To me this sounds more like aversion to badly done poly rather than aversion to poly.

If after everything it seems poly won't work for you, you should probably separate from your husband - he doesn't sound likely to want that genie back in the bottle.

If it isn't working, 13 years is not a good reason to remain together. 13 good years are a precious lived experience that you have and that can't be taken away by future actions. However, they can be tarnished if they turn into 13 good years and 1 year of hell, 13 good years and 2 years of hell, 13 good years and 10 years of hell.... to the point you won't remember the good parts.
 
Lost4naught

Thank you for posting here. It takes a deal of courage to post to a poly-friendly forum.

The reason I reply is to provide a contrary view. Some of the responders have suggested that if poly is not for you then that's the end of the relationship. One view of the landscape is that there's two options:
- you're okay with poly, which in the near term may mean more that your husband engages with other people
- you're not okay with poly and want a monogamous marriage.

I think that there's a third option. Or, at least, an option of a third option.

Surveys say that 93 to 97 per cent of people want monogamous marriages or long term relationships. Your expectations are normal. You are normal.

A potted history of my life, though. I married the most amazing woman I met in college. But I had always read philosophy widely and had no preconceived views about monogamy. (To be fair, I always though it was a little unnecessary.)

I met someone when I was 30 who was amazing too, and my love for her led me to say: I don't want to be monogamous. This caused a great deal of pain, even though there was no 'cheating', the idea of also loving someone else so reduced my wife's idea of the value of our relationship. It reached a crux, an ultimatum, at which point I chose to stay with my wife instead of staying poly and staying with the other woman I loved.

But for the next 2 years there was no love in our marriage. We also had a newborn at the start of this period, and a second 21 months later.

Eventually, my wife and I decided to love each other again. And we now love each other far more honestly than we had before, far less fairy tale like, and far more built on respect and friendship. I can say a lot more about that phase (if you want), but the point is, when the paradigm for our relationship shifted, eventually we changed what we expected of each other and what we individually wanted. Overall, I feel far closer to my wife today than I ever have before.

Skip forward another 18 months and our next poly venture was that my wife made intimate friends with a man she worked with (which has since dissolved).

Skip forward a few more years and my closest 'inlaws' have told me that they are experimenting with opening their relationship. And perhaps in part through the 2 years of our relationship pain, we have helped them to feel comfortable with those choices.

To come back to the start of the post, the third option is to bumble your way through. Both of the other options are okay. But they aren't 'fixed' categories that you are or aren't in. It's possible to navigate between them, maybe not today but over time as you bumble.

From a young age we are taught that monogamy is right. That to sleep around maybe makes women undesirable. That men want to sew their wild oats, that women want to marry men to raise their children. A lot of mythology that made sense thousands of years ago.

In my experience, polyamory asks more of you. It cannot work unless you are willing to be open and honest about the dreams and ambitions you hold for your future. It cannot work unless you are okay with talking through all of the ins and outs of relationships. It can work if you have mixed emotions that you are okay with talking through.

Today, my wife is far more pro-poly than I am: she militantly encourages me to pursue the other amazing woman I currently adore. Even though she would possibly never have chosen a poly life herself if she had not married me. She's made peace with the idea that I adore HER, and that if I also adore other people it does not diminish that. She tells me that she no longer feels jealousy. I honestly believe that she feels it less than I do today.

My advice:
1. Wow, you've taken a step to open up your relationship. You've been really brave in a way that many people would not be.
2. Read lots (e.g. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html, or their book is also very good).
3. Try to find some space for yourself. Maybe that means negotiating to retract your permission for a while. Think about what you need.
4. Find a friend that accepts you. In the dark years, both I and my wife had 1 close friend that didn't understand poly, but also didn't judge it.
5. Don't do this because he wants it; and don't not do it because you don't want it. Think through issues, weigh them up, talk with poly people. Think about who you want to be and will value being.

Anyway, my 2c

Sentinel
 
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But when the topic comes up, and it comes up quite a bit, we never make progress on it. This is something my husband clearly wants, and I don't know if I can accept this in my life.

But this man is the most important person in my life. I don't want to throw away 13 years because I can't adapt to the challenges we face. Maybe poly is good for the both of us. Maybe it isn't.....My husband has always been supportive of me. And I want to be supportive of him.

Poly is something your husband dearly wants, and therefore...?

Is that the sole criteria, that he dearly wants something and therefore he is now entitled to it?

It sounds like poly is not good for you. It sounds like returning to monogamy is what you dearly want. So why is his 'dearly want' more important than your 'dearly want?'

Is he being supportive of you in your desire to no longer have him sleeping with other women?

Poly is not what you agreed to on marriage. And supporting someone in a career move or choice of where to live is not the same thing as 'supporting' someone in sleeping with other people. There is a qualitative difference.

You are not obligated to continue with an open marriage and I'm not too impressed with a man who apparently keeps bringing it up despite your obvious discomfort with it.
 
Based on what you wrote, OP, I think that your problem with what's going on isn't so much that your husband has a connection with other people, but that you feel something is being taken away from you. Time with the other woman means less time and connection with you. In my opinion, if something makes you feel that way, then it isn't right. By going out with another woman together, I think you indicated to your husband clearly that you wanted to add someone to your lives, rather than introduce competition.

Based on those parameters, would it not be fair to lay down the expectation that the person you're with is selected by both of you and interacts with both of you, generally at the same time rather than separately? I think there is a difference between having multiple relationships or a triad vs having an open marriage.

Ultimately, every relationship is a consensual agreement with boundaries. A contract, if you will. If what's going on isn't what you agreed to, then that is "breach of contract" and needs a firm discussion and possibly changes.
 
Lost4naught, I've been in your place very, very recently. I could have almost written that post.

These are some things that have helped me so far:

First, to acknowledge and accept that my life has changed. This alone can be a cause for mourning. It takes time. Considering my life in the future (will it include my partner, or not?) takes me from despair to hope, to fear, several times over and over again.

Hell is real. Been there. Might visit it again (probably will). It's all right, though: I know I can drag myself out of it. Even when I think I've run out of strength, I tap onto some hidden reservoir and just do it. People can do it.

I had to decide what I want to do with this change. I could submit and feel humiliated and demoted. I could let it be the end of my relationship as-is, come out of it wounded, betrayed, jaded, and mistrustful of other people. More than anything else – more even than a shared life with my partner – I did not want either of this. I wanted to be happy. I knew I had to find a different way and work for a chance of happiness.

I think you've taken the right step in visiting this forum. You're trying to understand, explore, decide for yourself. I got a lot of insight from just lurking and reading. Read more. Ask more! It's useful to understand what polyamory is about, and to see how it relates to what you fundamentally need, what your partner needs, and how something like this – or something else entirely – can work with you both.

I have found that sometimes we confuse a strategy for fulfilling a need for the need itself. For example, I might say I need exclusivity, period; but digging further I find I tap onto exclusivity so that I feel loved, cherished, special in the eyes of someone I love, cherish, and think of as very special to me.

A major change (and introducing polyamory is such) reveals pre-existing weaknesses in a relationship, so in a sense it is a good thing. I think the fact that you and your partner have always been supportive of each other is a very good place to start.
 
Based on those parameters, would it not be fair to lay down the expectation that the person you're with is selected by both of you and interacts with both of you, generally at the same time rather than separately?


This is a common question.:rolleyes:

This is the common answer: So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?

The link is the long answer to why this is such a simple answer on paper and such a difficult feat IRL. :cool:
 
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