Charting Our Course

I met with my counselor this morning. It didn't really help. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I should just be celibate for the rest of my life. If you don't have sex, no one can use it against you, no one can judge or humiliate you, and you aren't vulnerable to anyone.

Sounds good to me.

I told Guy that this morning when he called (which was before I met with my counselor). He said he wishes I wasn't thinking that way. I said, "Why? It isn't like you and I have sex anyway, since we don't get to see each other."

I haven't broken the news to Hubby yet because his work schedule barely allows me to wave at him as he breezes through the house from the bedroom out the door to work. I told him I needed to talk to him about sex, that it's an important discussion, and that it needs to happen ASAP so it doesn't fester and get worse in my brain. He promised to make time to talk to me tomorrow before work. He often makes promises like that and doesn't keep them, so I'm not holding out much hope.

On the other hand, since I barely see him in the summer, my decision to stop having sex isn't going to impact him much more than it will Guy.

Don't know if this is a permanent mindset or if I'll get out of it eventually, and right now I don't care. I'm hurt and angry and don't EVER want to let anyone make me feel that way again.
 
Some of the anger has dissipated. Which is good. I don't like feeling angry, especially when it's due to triggers, because the triggers and their sources fuel the anger to a pretty scary point. I've never hurt anyone else when I've reached that point, but I'm always afraid I will, so I try to avoid getting there.

Hubby actually did follow through on his promise to talk with me. He's been staying very late at work (like, his shift ends at 9 or 10 p.m. and sometimes he's stayed there until 5 a.m.), because he's a gamer and his home computer is no longer supporting the games; it keeps crashing. So he's been staying at work to use one of the computers there. His father owns the place so doesn't have an issue with Hubby being there whenever (the hierarchy of the business is Hubby's father, Hubby's uncle, Hubby, all the other guys, and then me at the bottom of the pecking order doing the paperwork).

I don't necessarily like Hubby being out of the house so much, since we barely see each other during the summer as it is. His summer schedule is usually a shift from 1-9 or 2-10 p.m., but because of the nature of the business (it's essentially road service, but provided on the water by and for boats), sometimes he has to work later if a customer needs assistance, or he'll get called out in the middle of the night, or they'll have to salvage a boat that's gone aground or something and he's gone for hours. When he's home, he usually sleeps until about half an hour before he has to leave for work. So not much opportunity to interact, and with him staying later at the shop, there's even less.

On the other hand, with him gone so much right now, as I said in my previous post, not having sex isn't really an issue because there isn't time for us to have it anyway. Plus he and my 15-year-old don't get along very well, so it's probably good for them to have some space from each other.

But anyway... He got home about 3:30 a.m., and I was awake when he came into the bedroom. He wanted to cuddle, which was fine with me, and I asked if I could talk to him before he fell asleep. Better choice than waiting for him to wake up; his brain usually lags a couple hours behind his body in the "awake" thing.

When I told him what I expressed in the last paragraph of my previous post here, he immediately apologized for hurting me. Which caught me off-guard. His usual thing is to fix problems that can be fixed, as long as that doesn't involve him taking responsibility or needing to apologize for the problem. So him actually saying, "I'm sorry I've hurt you so much" in a sincere tone of voice was huge.

I told him I don't know how long this is going to last. That right now, I don't want to want sex, so I don't really have motivation to change my mindset. And that I feel like shutting down sexually is the most logical course of action to protect myself. I also reminded him that he has other options if he wants to have sex with someone, as long as he stays in the boundaries of our open marriage agreements.

He told me finding another woman to have sex with would be "too much trouble" (and that at least internet porn exists), and that as long as I'm still willing and able to be physically affectionate with him in nonsexual ways, he's okay with whatever I need to do to feel safe. Not that he's *happy* about it, but before he met me he went without having sex with anyone else for about four years, so it isn't like he's incapable of diverting his sex drive into other things. He's more unhappy about the current situation because *I* am unhappy and hurt than for his own sake.

Guy says he hopes I'm able to get past this, for my own sake; we don't see each other generally, and because of that, sex isn't a possibility anyway and he has other resources if he chooses to have sex with someone. Even on the rare occasions when we are able to see each other, he's content to just hold me and kiss; every time we've been together, it's always been my choice whether to have sex or not. (Obviously he gets a vote too, but his take on it seems to be that he's okay with whatever I'm okay with.)

So I guess right now, it's a wait and see thing. Wait and see if I'm able to work through this. (Guy said, "I hope one day you'll stop having those voices from your past in your head telling you you're bad and wrong"; I pointed out that those voices aren't the only problem now, given what's happened and what Hubby said to me over the past week.) Wait and see if I find any motivation to change my thinking. (My counselor said, "Sex is natural, and people need it to feel connected to one another." I said, "What about people who are asexual?" She didn't have an answer for that...) Wait and see if Hubby and Guy actually stick with me even if I do end up being celibate for the long term.
 
I don't even know how I'm feeling today.

I've still been struggling with the stuff I've talked about in my last few posts. I can't seem to move past it or work through it.

Yesterday, Guy texted me and told me he had a date with someone he'd met on OKCupid. I was happy for him. I'm the one who told him to join OKC, because I don't want him to be alone and lonely, and I can't get to see him. But I was also scared, because now he has the chance to be with someone who's actually in his geographic area.

He and I talked it out before he left to meet her. I made it clear that I was genuinely happy for him, and not jealous, but more envious that he's able to meet people on OKC and AdultFriendFinder, whereas when I try, people don't answer my messages; and the messages I get are predominantly either just "Hi," which I don't answer because there's nothing to go on, or along the lines of what a horny bitch I must be to "play around" on my husband. And envious that the women he was meeting is able to see him and be with him. (I differentiate between jealousy and envy, as I think I've said here before; jealousy means wanting to take something *away* from someone else so you can have it, whereas envy means you wish you also had something someone has, but don't want them to *not* have it.)

After I talked to Guy, I went to see Hubby at work, partly because I got a little upset when Guy texted me about the date and partly because I really needed to pour a few things out. No one else was in the office, so we could talk as long as he was paying attention to the phones and radios. I told him I needed him to understand exactly how deeply he's hurt me, cumulatively over the past five years of all the things he's said that have sounded like condemnations of me and my sexual interests rather than him just saying *he* wasn't interested.

Hubby told me he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I said every single time I've tried to talk to him about how his condemnations make me feel, he responds sarcastically and defensively. I told him I either needed to hear him acknowledge what he's done that has hurt me, and how deeply it's hurt me, and apologize without sounding like he's blaming me for feeling hurt; or I needed him to admit he isn't capable of doing that.

He acknowledged and apologized, and said he wished he'd been man enough to do so without me having to prompt him. And he said again that he understands that right now, part of me is curled up into a little ball and that part needs time to heal and process, and not having sex is the way I feel like I need to do that. But today, he barely spoke to me before he left for work.

I don't think Hubby is ever going to completely accept how much he has contributed to the damage that's been done to me over my life. I don't know whether he's going to accept me being celibate for however long that lasts, or whether he's going to look for someone else to fuck. I don't know whether he's going to stay with me if I don't "fix" myself, and after all the pain he's caused me, I don't know whether I want him to.

Meanwhile, Guy told me this morning that he slept with the woman he had the date with last night, and while I am happy for *him*, I'm sad and scared for *me* because since she's near him and is currently open to having sex, he might decide to dump me in favor of her. I expressed that to him, and he said he has no intention of ever dumping me for anyone, because he's in love with me and anyone else is just someone to have fun with. I want to believe him, but all the pain and depression and shit in my head isn't letting me right now.

Guy told me when he and I were talking yesterday that he hopes I'll be able to recognize that *sex* isn't what hurt me, Hubby and the 18-year-old are. Right now, I don't see it that way. Yes, sex in general isn't a bad thing. Or a good one. It's a tool, and whether it's good or bad is in how it's used. For me, it's been bad. People have used it to hurt me, or have hurt me because of it, and I want to stay as far away from it as I can. If I'm not doing anything sexual or owning anything sex-related, no one can use those things against me. I'm safe.

Tomorrow's my birthday. It's going to fucking suck. Then again, in 44 birthdays, I can only think of one that *hasn't* sucked, so this is nothing new.
 
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I don't know if Hubby doesn't think things through and just blurts things out because he actually does have Asperger's, as we've suspected, or because he's just a jackass.

He informed me that he doesn't say "I love you" because he means it. He says it because it seems important to me to hear it, but he's just "phoning it in" when he says it.

Apparently he's decided to see how much he can hurt me before I say fuck the fact that my kid wants to finish at her current high school, I'm out of here.
 
Confronted Hubby about the "phoning it in" comment. He claims he thought "phoning it in" meant having to remind yourself to do it, and he has to remind himself to say "I love you" out loud because it's so obvious to him that he loves me, that he can't quite understand why I need to hear it.

I told him sometimes it's just nice to hear.

Yesterday was my birthday. I started the day not so great, but then I called Guy and we talked for about an hour and a half. I told him I was still feeling insecure about his date Saturday, and he reassured me that I'm the only one he wants a *relationship* with. This woman, and anyone else he hooks up with, is just a fuck buddy, because that's all he wants with anyone else. We're talking about me possibly going to visit him again in August, if I can figure out how to come up with the plane fare.

Last night, Hubby took me for a boat ride across the harbor to a restaurant he took me to once last year. The ride itself was about an hour each way. For the first time in a while, especially since all that stuff happened last week, I felt very close to and safe with Hubby. There was some snuggling and kissing (he was driving the boat, but it's a small boat, so he only needed one free hand), and some conversation that had nothing to do with issues. It just was very nice, and a good way to spend the birthday... until we got home and he got snippy with me because I said I still wasn't having sex with him.

I talked to him about that today. I told him I felt like he was angry with me for turning him down and like he kept pushing even after I said no, even though he claims to understand why. We got into an argument about it, but sorted things through for the most part. I told him I can't explain what PTSD is like to someone who doesn't have it, but that right now I feel like there's a little girl in my head screaming at the top of her lungs "Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch!"

We talked more after I got home from picking up my kid from her job. I told Hubby I don't intend to hammer at him about things he's said to me in the past, but that as I work through all this, I may need to bring those things up and ask him to clarify, and if I do that I need him to just explain why he said them and apologize if he feels it's warranted, and NOT say things like "Sorry I fucked up your life." He said he would try.

I also told him that that "little girl" in my head is the "broken" (I hate that term) part of me that was victimized, sexually and emotionally, when I was very young. Because of all the triggers last week, as far as sex goes I've regressed to that point, which is something I was far past, and now I need to let that little girl grow up again, and I need to be gentle and patient and need Hubby to be as well. I think he understood... we'll see.
 
Doing better. I think.

Hubby and I have been talking as much as we're able. His work schedule is a mess at this time of year, and my schedule's been way off because of my kid's job and transportation needs. But we have made some progress.

Hubby still doesn't completely understand the PTSD stuff. He's known pretty much since we met that I have PTSD because of past abuse, and that the abuse (the emotional/verbal component particularly) was ongoing for over 30 years between my mother, my grandmother, and my first husband. But sometimes he doesn't grasp that it isn't something I can "just let go of and move on", and he doesn't get that there's no point trying to be rational to get me out of it. When I have an anxiety attack, at some point I can say, "Okay, that doesn't make sense. That (whatever I'm anxious about) isn't likely to happen, and if it does, the worst case scenario is something I can handle." That works unless it's one of my random attacks, when I just feel anxious and don't know why. But even with the random ones, I can say "Okay, I feel anxious and I don't know why, but I do know it will pass."

With PTSD, that doesn't work. I can't say "That isn't likely to happen," because I've been triggered by something that reminds me of something that DID happen. So obviously if it happened once, it might happen again. It IS likely. It might not be as likely in the present moment, but it happened before and it was something very damaging, not something I would be able to handle if it happened again.

It's a learning curve for Hubby, but he says he wants to learn so that going forward, he'll be less likely to say something hurtful or upsetting and will be better able to help me when PTSD issues crop up. Which I know they're going to. I've lost huge chunks of the first 36 or so years of my life; I've blocked things out because they were more than I could cope with. So I don't know what might trigger me, because I don't know what memories exist that could be triggered.

Guy has been hugely supportive through all of this. He doesn't have PTSD either, but he understands it better because he's better able than Hubby to put himself in someone else's shoes. Guy just listens to me talk, reassures me, reminds me that I'm loved and wanted now, and tells me he wishes he were here to hold me.

Guy is still seeing the woman he met on OKC. They've only gotten together once since their first date, but they've been talking. When Guy told me he was seeing her the second time, I said, "I'm glad you're having fun, just don't like her better than me." I said it jokingly, but also because I do sometimes need reassurance. A large part of the emotional abuse I was put through involved being told over and over that I was nothing. I was worthless. I was useless. No one would ever love me, and I didn't deserve to be loved. So even though I know consciously that both Hubby and Guy love me as unconditionally as anyone can love someone else, those fears from my past, and those *words* from my past, keep coming back to haunt me. Fortunately for me, both men understand that and are willing to give me as much reassurance as I need. And I try not to ask for reassurance unless I'm really struggling.

Guy says he doubts he'll be seeing the other woman any more after he's finished his current project for work. He won't be wicked far from her, but it'll be about two hours as opposed to about 15 minutes, and he doesn't want to have to drive that far. (Plus gas costs...) He plans to maintain a friendship with her, but that's about it.

And I'm going to get to see Guy next month! Best Friend took me out to dinner on Wednesday for a belated birthday present. I was talking about how I really wanted to be able to see Guy in August, and was trying to scrape together plane fare, because after that I wouldn't be able to visit him until spring 2015 at the earliest. Which would mean I wouldn't get to *see* Guy at all until then, unless either he manages to come up with money to come out here, which seems unlikely, or unless his job sends him back out here earlier in 2015. Best Friend knows how important Guy is to me and is very supportive of the relationship, so he loaned me the plane fare!
 
Guy hasn't mentioned the woman from OKC at all this week, so I'm assuming he hasn't seen her. (We've agreed to inform each other of any dates with anyone else; same agreement I have with Hubby, essentially.)

Today's Guy's birthday, and I really wish I could at least have given him a birthday kiss or something. Last year on his birthday, he was still in my area, but it was during the time we were trying not to let our feelings for each other actually exist. We had a date two days after his birthday last year, but it was the first date we'd had since I'd called a hiatus a couple months earlier, so it was awkward. This year, it would definitely not be awkward...it just isn't possible. (But only 25 days until I get to see him!)

Hubby and I are still having some issues, but we're beginning to identify the communication style differences--and the "sounds better in my head" tendencies--that cause some of the problems and prevent us from resolving things easily. So we're kinda working on that, even though Hubby keeps saying it would be easier to just not talk at all than to keep risking saying something wrong...
 
So, this has been an interesting weekend...

I've been chatting with a couple of guys on OKC and one on AFF. Toward the end of the week, S2 (the AFF guy) and I realized we both had the weekend free, and he asked if we could meet. So we arranged to meet at the New England Aquarium, and wandered around Boston's north end a bit, had lunch, etc.

It's been a long time since I've met someone I felt instantly comfortable with. Even the first night I met Guy, I felt awkward, and I wasn't really sure what to say to him. But with S2, the conversation started and just kept going. We did not run out of things to talk about at all, and he's a really interesting person.

The weird thing was, when S2 first messaged me, I didn't read his full profile. Only enough to see how tall he is (I'm shallow; I prefer a guy to be my height or taller) and to make sure he wasn't cheating on someone. Friday after I agreed to meet him, I read the entire profile, and my jaw just dropped... His description of his ideal woman matched almost exactly what I look like, and he specifically said he was looking for someone accepting of non-monogamy. So I had pretty high hopes when we met.

After a few hours in Boston, we went back to his place, and...let's just say things progressed very smoothly. I was completely comfortable and confident, which is rare for me the first time sleeping with someone. We had a few random moments of extreme physical awkwardness, but we just laughed about them. No mental awkwardness along with it.

We agreed we want to see each other again. He's only looking for an FWB situation, and that's all I want right now as well, so we'll see how it goes.
 
My three weeks of having to transport younger kid 70 miles a day for work are over... And she's now with her dad for the rest of the summer, other than a couple of weekdays next week for her birthday party with us, and a couple of weekdays next month after I get back from visiting Guy so she can get her learner's permit and start practicing driving.

I'm feeling a little crabby today because I've had three different guys emailing me on OKC and AFF, who proved in the past 24 hours that their reading comprehension skills suck. All of them refused or were unable to comprehend that I write FICTION. Which means it is NOT about my real life. I do NOT live the stories I write, whether romance or teen fiction. And writing romance is NOT EVEN CLOSE to the same thing as "dirty talk." I had to block one of the guys from messaging me further because he was not taking "I don't do dirty talk, please leave me alone now" as an answer.

Had a jealousy issue yesterday. Guy is leaving the area where the woman he's been seeing from OKC lives, and he's told me he doesn't plan to see her again unless she's willing to drive the 2 hours to visit him at his next project location, because he can't afford the gas and only considered her someone fun to pass time with while he was in her area. (And he did make that clear to her.) Yesterday was his last day there, so he chose to spend most of it with her. He texted me to let me know, and part of me wanted to tell him that I didn't want him to go see her.

I didn't say that, of course. I just thanked him for telling me and told him to have a good time. But I really didn't want him to see her, and I'm not even sure why. Other than the obvious, insecurity. She's near him; I'm not. Even though he's told me I'm the only one he loves or wants to love, I'm still afraid he's going to find someone geographically closer to him and decide she's better for him than I am. Jealousy and insecurity are going to happen, and that's okay. How I handle it is what matters, and yesterday I handled it right, as far as I'm concerned. I kept it to myself, let myself feel crappy for a few minutes, and then ordered my lunch and played a word search game on my phone while I ate.

Meanwhile, I'm seeing S2 again either tomorrow night or Monday night, depending on his band's schedule. They tentatively planned a recording session tomorrow night, but S2 won't know until tomorrow afternoon if they're actually doing it. Fortunately, with younger kiddo gone, my schedule is flexible enough that I can deal with the short notice. Hubby already knows I'm seeing S2 and that it's going to be one night or the other; I can't remember if I told Guy or not, but I'm going to text him when I know for sure when the date is, just to make certain he's aware.

I told Guy I was worried about what some of the AFF people we know would think if they found out that not only am I married *and* seeing Guy, but I now have an FWB as well. Guy said, "Fuck 'em. Or actually don't, because they aren't worth it."
 
I don't know what the hell is going on right now, and it's really getting to me. Don't take someone with anxiety disorder who you know is prone to jumping to worst case scenario and suddenly stop communicating with them...

First, the good bit. I had a date with S2 Monday night, and it was awesome. On Sunday, I had an issue because of something Hubby said that sounded to me like he was accusing me of fucking everything in sight. (He said it was a joke. I said jokes are usually FUNNY.) So Monday, I was reluctant to even see S2 because I was still stung by Hubby's comment and worried about what Hubby was going to think of me for going out with someone else.

But the date went completely great. The second I met up with S2, I was immediately comfortable and relaxed, just like on our first date. We went out to dinner, which almost ended in a very embarrassing manner when the zipper to the pocket where I stash my condoms broke open and stuff started falling out... Fortunately, the condoms stayed put. I'm not ashamed of carrying them, but that doesn't mean I want everyone in a crowded restaurant to see them! Then S2 and I went back to his place, and it was just plain good. Easy. Comfortable. We're going to see each other again soon; we aren't sure when exactly, but he mentioned wanting to try to get a day off from work so we could spend an entire day together.

The day after the date, I went into the city to have my daughter cut my hair at the beauty school she attends. In the middle of downtown Boston, dodging people on their lunch hours and myriad tourists, I ran--almost literally--into S2. Which amused me because of the improbability factor.

But the bad...

Guy called me Monday morning, and I said something that I intended as teasing but it came across the wrong way. I apologized, and he said we were good. (It was about him moving in with Hubby and me someday, nothing insulting or anything.)

Other than a couple of pokes on Facebook, I haven't heard from him since. He isn't answering my calls or messages. He *might* be at home this week; I know he's transitioning from one work location to another, and sometimes he's home during transition weeks. But I don't remember him telling me he would be home, and since he isn't answering my messages, he hasn't answered the one I sent last night asking whether he was at home.

If I knew for a fact that he's home, the lack of communication wouldn't bother me. His ex-wife doesn't know about me, and for the sake of his son, Guy needs to keep it that way for now. It's the not knowing that's really getting to me. I don't know if he's home, or if he's still upset about what I said Monday, or if something else is going on that's preventing him from communicating. And I'm supposed to fly out to visit him on August 4. Now I'm wishing I hadn't already bought the plane ticket, because I have the horrible feeling I'm going to have to cancel the trip, and the ticket is non-refundable...

I hope I'm wrong. I know that I have anxiety disorder and depression, and that those screw massively with my perception of reality sometimes. Hubby and Best Friend both told me they're sure there's nothing to worry about, that Guy loves me and if I had done something wrong, he would tell me. I'm trying to believe them, but... like I said, it isn't as much the lack of communication that's bothering me as the lack of knowing WHY. If Guy *is* home, he'll be starting his next work location on Monday, so I should hear from him by then. If I don't hear from him, I'm going to assume the worst, because I don't know what else to think.
 
Yep. Anxiety and depression are dicks.

I FINALLY heard from Guy later on the day I made my last post. He reassured me that he was at home, so hadn't been able to contact me. Fine. But when I mentioned the anxiety issue and that his not contacting me had me worried that I'd said something wrong in our previous conversation, he made some comment about how he "always attracts women like that."

Excuse me? Like what?? Both of his ex-wives, and our former friend Betty whom he had a thing for for a while, have bipolar disorder. With all three of them, he's dealt with rants, accusations, screaming matches, and physical attacks from his second ex. And when he made that comment to me, I felt like he was lumping me in with them. Yes, I have anxiety, but when I'm having issues, I say I'm having anxiety issues and need reassurance. I don't lash out at the person I'm having an issue with.

That kind of stewed in me for a few days.

But he called yesterday on his way to his next work location, and we were able to sort things out. He apologized for that comment and said he was trying to be funny, but that he'd been dealing with issues with both exes and so when he made the comment, it came out more harshly than he'd intended. He reassured me that we're fine, our relationship is fine, and he can't wait to see me when I fly out there next week. So I'm feeling a lot calmer.

Got upset again this morning, though for a different reason... Yesterday was my younger daughter's 16th birthday. She had her party with us and her friends around here last Thursday; yesterday was her party at her dad's house with his family. I posted a birthday message to her on Facebook, but didn't call her because I didn't want to interrupt their festivities.

She messaged me on Facebook last night after I went to bed. All she said was that I'd gotten her birth time wrong, and "thanks for calling me on my birthday." (Obviously intended as sarcasm.)

She and I haven't been getting along well for a while, and she's flat out said she doesn't like Hubby. She's a daddy's girl, and her father encourages that while pretending to back Hubby and me.

This morning, she, her father, and stepmother came down because they had to bring the older one home; older was up at their place for the birthday party, but had classes this morning. And now that younger one's 16, she could get her learner's permit, so her dad decided it would be good to bring her down and take care of that.

I sat down with her and the other three parental figures, and told her that it hurts when I feel like I'm trying to do something nice, or to make things better between her and me, and she responds with snark and sarcasm, and then I feel like she doesn't *want* things to be better. I acknowledged that she had a reason to be mad about me not calling her yesterday, and I apologized for that and explained that it was only because I didn't want to interrupt the party. She seemed to accept that, and to accept when I said that I was bringing it up because I want things to be better, and I want her to feel like she can talk to me if I'm doing or saying something that's causing problems.

Emotionally, it's been a really wonky week for me. It's partly anxiety about the impending trip to visit Guy, but it's other stuff too, and I'm not entirely sure what the other stuff is. Working with my counselor and other coping tools to try to get on a better track.
 
Feeling better than yesterday. I know that part of the depression yesterday was from being around my ex; aside from all the shit he did to me when we were married, that I have a hard time letting go of because PTSD, he's pretty much an energy vampire. Even after five minutes of conversation when I drop off my daughter for visits with him, I feel emotionally and often even physically drained.

S2 followed through with his idea about taking a day off from work so he and I could spend the entire day together.

Unfortunately, he got dates mixed up... and the day he has off is next week. The week I'm in Michigan visiting Guy. (Though to be perfectly honest, I still haven't decided whether I'm actually going. Since the whole thing last week, I'm feeling very disconnected from Guy, even after our conversation on Sunday, and part of me is feeling like visiting him would just plain be a bad idea. Hubby says I should go, but when I ask him whether he thinks I should go to Michigan for *myself* or because Guy would be hurt if I didn't, he doesn't have an answer...)

But S2 is taking me to lunch tomorrow to celebrate the release of my 75th published work, so at least I'll get some time with him. I'm a bit sad that it has to be G-rated time, though. One of the things I'm enjoying about the friendship with S2 is that we laugh during sex. It's fun as hell. Awkward positions, weird noises, leg falling asleep, whatever. We just plain have fun together. We have fun out of bed too, but after my meltdown last month, someone with whom sex is a hundred percent no-pressure enjoyment is exactly what I needed.
 
Had a great lunch with S2. He told me that since he took a day off during the "wrong" week, he's going to see if he can take another the following week so we can still have a day together.

I haven't heard from him since that lunch, though... But we've been communicating solely on AFF, and according to his profile he hasn't logged in on there since Tuesday. I know he had stuff going on with family the past few days, and he has his sons this weekend, so I'm assuming that's what's going on. I could text him, since we exchanged phone numbers before our first date, but neither of us has ever actually texted the other, and I don't know whether I'd be pushing a line if I did. So I wait... If I haven't heard from him by the time I get home from visiting Guy, I probably will send a text. We're supposed to go to a "meet and greet" next Saturday, not *together* per se, but he was planning to go and I said I would go too so I could introduce him to people. He tried going to one of our group's M&Gs last Saturday and couldn't find them because he didn't know what any of them looked like...

Had to have a long talk with Hubby on Thursday. Wednesday, after lunch with S2, I went to see Best Friend. He and S2 work in the same area, and I had some time to kill, so I texted Best Friend and asked whether he was taking his break. He'd already had his lunch, but invited me to go to his office.

Between S2 buying me lunch--and going back to work late because he didn't want to stop talking to me--and saying he would try to take another day off so we can spend it together, and Best Friend taking time out from his work day to see me, I felt really happy and valued. But then I went to the workplace, both to do some paperwork and to see Hubby--and Hubby acted like I was a nuisance and flat out said, "Okay, I've seen you, now go home."

I decided I wasn't going to let him bring me down. I've always accepted being treated that way because I was brought up to believe I deserved it, but now I have Guy, S2, and Best Friend all showing me otherwise. And Hubby, who in my opinion SHOULD be showing me otherwise since he keeps saying he loves me and wants me to be happy, has been acting like a jackass. I stayed at work and did the paperwork I'd gone to do, and didn't speak to Hubby again that night.

But by Thursday, I was fuming. Between that and feeling anxious about my trip, I broke down on the phone with Guy... I hate doing that, but he called at just the wrong time. After I got off the phone, I confronted Hubby with how his behavior was affecting me.

He promised to try to make "grand gestures" to show me how special I am to him, and I told him that isn't what I need. I don't need him to go out of his way; I just need him to act like he values me and wants me around instead of brushing me off and acting like I'm an annoyance. I told him it isn't right that a man who is just getting to know me and a man who only considers me a friend (albeit his best friend) treat me better and make me feel more valued and special than my own husband.

Hubby had said something a while ago when we were arguing about how the "new shiny" has worn off our marriage. While I don't dispute that, and I know it's normal for spouses to kind of settle in after a while, I told him on Thursday that when that happens, you don't just say "Okay, the shiny's worn off, now we'll just tolerate each other." You keep WORKING to make things good and to show that you're still important to each other. And that doesn't take any huge effort or "grand gestures." It just takes making time to cuddle and talk and act like each other matters.

No clue whether that got through. He was really affectionate yesterday, and he took me for a boat ride because I said I wanted some couple time with him before I go to visit Guy, so that's a positive. But we've been here before; he'll make a change for a week or two but then goes right back to the way things were.

I've changed a lot lately, though. For a while now, I've stayed with Hubby primarily because I'm disabled and can't work enough to support myself and my kids. If Hubby and I split up, my kids could live with their father, but then my 16-year-old would have to leave her high school, since their dad lives in another state. And I don't know where I would go; my only family is my parents, and given that they refused to take me in when I left my first, abusive marriage, I doubt they would be any more helpful now. Despite the not having anywhere to go, though, if my 16-year-old was out of school or if her dad lived in our state, I would probably already be gone. (Hubby is aware that I feel this way. I've told him that I love him, but that our marriage has some serious dings and dents, and that there are times when the only reason I don't walk out the door is because of my daughter.)

I really hope this time, Hubby's promises and changes stick, because I'm no longer willing to accept feeling like a nuisance or an obligation. I deserve better. It sucks that I'm happy when I'm with S2 or Best Friend, but I dread Hubby coming home because I know he's going to get irritated with me or ignore me. And actually, he's barely even *been* coming home for the past month or more; his computer isn't working properly, so he's been staying at work until 4 or 5 in the morning to play games online, and then coming home and going to bed after I get up.

Things really do need to improve around here, because I'm rapidly running out of bleeps to give about whether my kids could handle living with their dad or whether I would have a home if I left Hubby. I'm not happy in this marriage, and I don't know if he is or not, but I know we both deserve to be. If we can't be happy with each other, then we shouldn't be together.
 
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I'm with Guy right now. Got out here yesterday afternoon; he picked me up at the airport and brought me back to the hotel his job has put him up at. We spent some time together, went out to dinner, and then he had to go to work. I spent some time alone, then went to bed.

He got back from work about 8:30 this morning and pretty much immediately went to bed, because he hadn't had much sleep yesterday because of having to pick me up at the airport.

I don't want to be here.

Something is broken. It isn't working, and I feel just plain WRONG about being here. I felt it even before I made the trip, but instead of listening to my own instincts and skipping the trip despite having non-refundable plane tickets, I listened to Hubby, Guy, and Best Friend when they all tried to convince me it was only anxiety and I would be fine once I got here.

I'm not fine. I don't want to be here. I went out wandering the area for a while, and then ran out of places to go. Realizing I had to come back to this hotel room, where eventually Guy's going to wake up and supposedly make me dinner before he goes to work (it's a suite hotel, so there's a functioning kitchen in the room), I almost burst into tears. I don't want to have to interact with Guy.

I don't know what the hell is wrong. I just know I want to go home, and I can't because I bought a round trip plane ticket and my return flight isn't until Friday. I have 3 more days out here, and all I want to do is go home.

Guy and I fluid bonded last night. That was partly Hubby's idea; he said he wanted Guy to have that experience with me because "condoms suck." It was my choice, and I went into it feeling okay about it, but now I wish we hadn't. I don't feel right about it. Or about even kissing Guy, let alone sleeping with him or anything else.

Something's broken, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't tell Guy; we're stuck with each other until Friday, and that's going to be even more difficult if he knows I'm feeling this way. He woke up when I got back to the room this afternoon and asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't want to talk about it, but he's in tune with me enough that he's going to know there's a problem. I don't know if I want to end things with him or not; I just know that coming out here to see him was a mistake.

I just want to go home.
 
Oh no :( hope things will get better before Friday. Can you make Guy stay somewhere else but the hotel room?
 
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Octopus, it's *his* hotel room; his job is paying for it during the duration of the project he's currently working on. And I can't afford to get a room elsewhere. Things aren't bad between him and me; I'm just not *feeling* right.
 
I talked to Hubby the other night about the struggle with being here. He was sort of supportive, but really all he said was, "That sucks, I hope you feel better tomorrow." Which is pretty typical for him.

Yesterday I talked to Guy about some of it. He's way too in tune with me; no matter what I did, he would have picked up that something was wrong (and had already asked me several times if I was okay), and I hate lying.

I told him that I feel "off" about being here, and that I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that I haven't gotten past the disconnect with him during the week I couldn't get hold of him. For a couple of reasons I won't get into, it's very difficult for me to form and maintain attachments to others, and it's very easy for those attachments to break. Even with Hubby, I've had times when I felt disconnected because his work schedule kept us from interacting for a day or two.

Guy asked flat out if any feelings I have for S2 might be a contributing factor, and I said no. Which is the truth. I think I may be developing feelings for S2, but that doesn't shut down my feelings for Guy or Hubby. Guy said something about S2 giving me everything I need because he lives near me, whereas Guy is 900 miles away, but that isn't the case. S2 gives me a lot, but he doesn't know the *whole* me. He sees the strong, confident, unashamed me. The neurotic, screwed-up, "everything I do is wrong" part, for whatever reason, doesn't come out when I'm with S2, which is one of the biggest benefits I've gotten from him.

But that means S2 isn't someone I can talk to when I'm struggling. And Hubby isn't really either; when I'm dealing with anxiety or a depressive episode, or something just plain has me stressed out, Hubby tries to listen and comfort, but after a short time he gets tired of listening, and he doesn't really comprehend how I'm feeling or what I need from him (even when I tell him what I need). Guy is the one who gives me that *emotional* support and comfort, even if he can't hold me when I'm upset.

I admitted to Guy that I'm in the process of re-evaluating a lot of things in my life, and my relationship with him is one of those things. He told me to do whatever is best for me, whether that's continuing with our relationship as is, or ending it, or whatever. He also said that since we don't see each other most of the time, if I choose to end the "relationship," not much will actually change, unless I also choose to cut him out of my life entirely. From his perspective, it doesn't matter if we're partners or friends, because the interactions will remain essentially the same, and his feelings for me won't change.

I've decided not to make any decisions about that for the time being. But having Guy say that took a lot of pressure off me.

And meanwhile, Guy found out last night that when he's finished his current work project, they're sending him back out to New England for a month or two. Meaning he'll be within driving distance of me.
 
Follow-up to Guy's next work assignment: Not only will he be in the same general geographic part of the US as me. He'll be in a town that's only half an hour away. He's only slated to be there for a month, but during that month we'll be able to see each other regularly, and Hubby says he wants to make sure Guy is able to socialize with the two of us at least once or twice.

Reading some of the threads and blogs on here, I realize how lucky I am that Hubby and Guy are good friends and actually like talking with each other separate from me. And bonus points for S2 as well; he hasn't minded me talking about Hubby and Guy, and is completely cool with the entire situation.

I go home tonight after being with Guy all week. I'm glad he and I sorted things out from the other day, but I'm looking forward to getting home.
 
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