Had a great lunch with S2. He told me that since he took a day off during the "wrong" week, he's going to see if he can take another the following week so we can still have a day together.
I haven't heard from him since that lunch, though... But we've been communicating solely on AFF, and according to his profile he hasn't logged in on there since Tuesday. I know he had stuff going on with family the past few days, and he has his sons this weekend, so I'm assuming that's what's going on. I could text him, since we exchanged phone numbers before our first date, but neither of us has ever actually texted the other, and I don't know whether I'd be pushing a line if I did. So I wait... If I haven't heard from him by the time I get home from visiting Guy, I probably will send a text. We're supposed to go to a "meet and greet" next Saturday, not *together* per se, but he was planning to go and I said I would go too so I could introduce him to people. He tried going to one of our group's M&Gs last Saturday and couldn't find them because he didn't know what any of them looked like...
Had to have a long talk with Hubby on Thursday. Wednesday, after lunch with S2, I went to see Best Friend. He and S2 work in the same area, and I had some time to kill, so I texted Best Friend and asked whether he was taking his break. He'd already had his lunch, but invited me to go to his office.
Between S2 buying me lunch--and going back to work late because he didn't want to stop talking to me--and saying he would try to take another day off so we can spend it together, and Best Friend taking time out from his work day to see me, I felt really happy and valued. But then I went to the workplace, both to do some paperwork and to see Hubby--and Hubby acted like I was a nuisance and flat out said, "Okay, I've seen you, now go home."
I decided I wasn't going to let him bring me down. I've always accepted being treated that way because I was brought up to believe I deserved it, but now I have Guy, S2, and Best Friend all showing me otherwise. And Hubby, who in my opinion SHOULD be showing me otherwise since he keeps saying he loves me and wants me to be happy, has been acting like a jackass. I stayed at work and did the paperwork I'd gone to do, and didn't speak to Hubby again that night.
But by Thursday, I was fuming. Between that and feeling anxious about my trip, I broke down on the phone with Guy... I hate doing that, but he called at just the wrong time. After I got off the phone, I confronted Hubby with how his behavior was affecting me.
He promised to try to make "grand gestures" to show me how special I am to him, and I told him that isn't what I need. I don't need him to go out of his way; I just need him to act like he values me and wants me around instead of brushing me off and acting like I'm an annoyance. I told him it isn't right that a man who is just getting to know me and a man who only considers me a friend (albeit his best friend) treat me better and make me feel more valued and special than my own husband.
Hubby had said something a while ago when we were arguing about how the "new shiny" has worn off our marriage. While I don't dispute that, and I know it's normal for spouses to kind of settle in after a while, I told him on Thursday that when that happens, you don't just say "Okay, the shiny's worn off, now we'll just tolerate each other." You keep WORKING to make things good and to show that you're still important to each other. And that doesn't take any huge effort or "grand gestures." It just takes making time to cuddle and talk and act like each other matters.
No clue whether that got through. He was really affectionate yesterday, and he took me for a boat ride because I said I wanted some couple time with him before I go to visit Guy, so that's a positive. But we've been here before; he'll make a change for a week or two but then goes right back to the way things were.
I've changed a lot lately, though. For a while now, I've stayed with Hubby primarily because I'm disabled and can't work enough to support myself and my kids. If Hubby and I split up, my kids could live with their father, but then my 16-year-old would have to leave her high school, since their dad lives in another state. And I don't know where I would go; my only family is my parents, and given that they refused to take me in when I left my first, abusive marriage, I doubt they would be any more helpful now. Despite the not having anywhere to go, though, if my 16-year-old was out of school or if her dad lived in our state, I would probably already be gone. (Hubby is aware that I feel this way. I've told him that I love him, but that our marriage has some serious dings and dents, and that there are times when the only reason I don't walk out the door is because of my daughter.)
I really hope this time, Hubby's promises and changes stick, because I'm no longer willing to accept feeling like a nuisance or an obligation. I deserve better. It sucks that I'm happy when I'm with S2 or Best Friend, but I dread Hubby coming home because I know he's going to get irritated with me or ignore me. And actually, he's barely even *been* coming home for the past month or more; his computer isn't working properly, so he's been staying at work until 4 or 5 in the morning to play games online, and then coming home and going to bed after I get up.
Things really do need to improve around here, because I'm rapidly running out of bleeps to give about whether my kids could handle living with their dad or whether I would have a home if I left Hubby. I'm not happy in this marriage, and I don't know if he is or not, but I know we both deserve to be. If we can't be happy with each other, then we shouldn't be together.