New poly-relationship has me in crisis!

Thanks for the most recent advice. Things have really settled for me and day to day normalacy has turned into a wonderful lifestyle for the three of us. Today I'm fighting off some old negative patterns and I just need a little help. I have noticed in the last couple of weeks what our relationships look like and my wifes NRE had subsided. My wifes energy with him is different than ours which makes sense I know they're two different relationships. However, there are things they do that her and I don't but could and that makes me question why we don't. For example, my wife and I have separate blankets in bed and we sometimes cuddle in the night, but she and him share one blanket between the two of them and cuddle all night long in that intimate way. They cuddle on the couch more snugly and intimately than her and I do, they kind of wrap themselves up in each other. Her and I cuddle yes but not the same way, there's just seems more loving and intimate. Is this okay? When these things bring me down I try to remember something she told me which was that she loves our everyday marriage it is secure and regular. That is what she wants from me. That is what I want too, but there relationship sometimes looks more close more romantic and that makes my mind run. I think I don't need to worry on this, my wife has reassured me in so many organic ways that our relationship is strong and secure. I just want to know if there are any red flags here or if I'm just over thinking again.
O Thanks guys you're such a strong support.
 
Danielsen, until only about ten years ago, I had never even imagined that a couple would sleep together with separate blankets. It was completely out of the realm of what I had ever experienced or thought about regarding what couples do together. From my late teens, when I had first moved in with my boyfriend, through my forties, I had always assumed that when two people get into bed, they share the same blankets, sheets, covers, etc., and that is what it always was like with any of the people I shared a bed with. I used to like wrapping myself around someone I am sleeping with, and to be connected all night.

Then I met Edward and Erin. They were (and still are) a married couple -- both are madly in love with each other and have a great, very healthy, and deeply loving relationship. However, they each have their own blankets when they sleep in bed together. When they first told me (I don't recall how the topic came up), I was trying to picture how they made their bed, and cuddled, and what not. I thought it was the craziest thing I'd ever heard of -- but it worked for them because , basically, they had different preferences when it came to comfort while sleeping. I know they had a robust sex life, but they were never the type of couple to be overly demonstrative or affectionate with each other, even with close friends around. Just not their style.

So, from the outside, it could appear that they were distant with each other - hardly any PDAs, and sleeping under separate blankets - yet anyone who knew them would tell you how deeply they loved each other and how committed they are to each other. So, those things are not indicators of anything other than what each person is comfortable with. I am sure that your wife's boyfriend is like me, in that he probably never would even have thought that two people sleeping together would not share the same blanket. Maybe it's a regional thing, I don't know... but it doesn't mean anything that you sleep with two blankets and they sleep with one. One is not better than the other - just different. I have discovered that other couples sleep with separate blankets as well, even though I'd never heard of it before I met Edward and Erin.

Your wife and her boyfriend being wrapped up around each other isn't necessarily "more" intimate or "more" affectionate or anything - it's just a physical style and preference. My ex-husband used to generate alot of heat while he was sleeping and always kicked the covers off himself, and didn't want to cuddle much at night, so I learned not to hang all over him - especially if I didn't want to be drenched with sweat. Did it mean we weren't affectionate, intimate, and in love? Nope! Of course not.

However, if you want to try getting under the same blanket with her and cuddling more closely, why not? What's stopping you? You don't need two separate blankets, do you? Isn't it just a habit you've continued all this time? You can try new things any time you want, see if you like it. No worries, okay?
 
Last edited:
Do you guys have different body types? Nate is my bear and he has a good 70 lbs on sam who is super slim. I find myself more cuddly with nate because he just feels better to me.
 
Hi Danielsen,

I think, you have given the answer yourself already. Look at it like you would look at a couple in your neighbourhood. If you see something you like to have yourself try to implement it. It might not fit to your relation though. But don't try to make the two relations equal.
Seeing display of affection directly in front your eyes makes hungry - I know this very well. However, I am careful when requesting things for me. I just try to figure out if I would love to have this and that in the long run too. There might be a reason we have not done this and that before the metamour emerged. There might not - then I try to use the example directly in front of me and implement it in my own relation. It might succeed or not. Results vary.
 
Re (from Danielsen):
"My wife and I have separate blankets in bed and we sometimes cuddle in the night, but she and he share one blanket between the two of them and cuddle all night long in that intimate way. They cuddle on the couch more snugly and intimately than she and I do, they kind of wrap themselves up in each other. She and I cuddle yes but not the same way, theirs just seems more loving and intimate. Is this okay?"

That's kind of up to you. When you see this "more intimate" cuddling, do you think, "That looks really good, I wish I could do that with her." If you do, then you should tell her you're interested in that and ask if you and she could do that.

But when you see this "more intimate" cuddling, if what you think is, "That guy always gets something better than I do, she always wants him more." If you do, then that's knee-jerk jealousy talking and it's probably not that important for you to "win the snuggling contest."

So is it okay? Yes in the sense that it doesn't represent a problem per se. It just invites a decision from you as to whether you want to change *your* cuddling with your wife. Are you already content with the way you and she cuddle? If so, I wouldn't let the way she and he cuddle trouble you.

Re:
"I just want to know if there are any red flags here or if I'm just overthinking again."

Well I don't see any red flags, not right now at least. Others may.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Danielsen,

I'm going to point out the pattern here again. You feel insecure. You compare yourself to your wife's new partner. You seek reassurance (from us, from your wife, etc.). You feel slightly better temporarily. Until you feel insecure again. And the cycle repeats itself.

It's not going to resolve itself until YOU resolve it. The core issue is your insecurity, not what is going on with your wife's new relationship.

What is blocking you from doing some deep inner work on your insecurity?

Can you respond to previous posters' suggestions of therapy?

Can you see that you are stuck in the same loop over and over again?
 
Last edited:
;-) It's five on my view ;-)

Anyway. The topics seems to be a classic.

Additionaly - Overcoming insecurities is not like learning piano. It's really tough - as I can see very well on myself - and a lifelong task. It won't get much better in just some weeks. But he needs improvements rather quickly. Therefore the hinge needs to support here (which she does fortunately) - and so do we. Repeatedly ;-)

My own securities regularly lead to the problem that in somewhat difficult situations I am so busy with controling my own emotions (mostly based on exactly those insecurities) that I don't see the needs of my hinge. Turns out badly most of the times.
 
Therefore the hinge needs to support here (which she does fortunately) - and so do we. Repeatedly ;-)

Not sure if you've read all the posts, but the hinge here has repeatedly indicated that she can only be so much support - and rightfully so. Lasting and deep security is never found in other people or by assigning "jobs" to other people, as is so often assumed. If the focus is on other people's behavior (no matter if it's wanted or unwanted) then the experience is going to be full of huge unpredictable ups and downs. If the focus is on one's own inner source of security, then the experience of the relationship is going to be stable and enjoyable. That's just how relationships work. Relationships and other people do not give us security and no one, not even a hinge, can make us feel secure. Relationships always reflect what we've got going on inside, so in order to feel more secure, you change your inner life, not the behavior of other people. When you change inside, your outer world, including your relationships, change to reflect that. Struggling to manipulate your outer world (behavior of others) into constantly pleasing configurations yields temporary security at best and always careens back into insecurity - as is beautifully demonstrated by this thread.
 
Op we cannot do the work for you. This is something you need to figure out on your own.

Please seek out therapy.
 
Overcoming insecurities is not like learning piano. It's really tough - as I can see very well on myself - and a lifelong task.

Actually, studying a musical instrument and overcoming insecurities are much the same:

♫ Neither offers overnight success.
♫ Both involve life long learning.
♫ You get out as much as you put in.
♫ Nobody else can do it for you.
 
Actually, studying a musical instrument and overcoming insecurities are much the same:

♫ Neither offers overnight success.
♫ Both involve life long learning.
♫ You get out as much as you put in.
♫ Nobody else can do it for you.

I love this!

And yes, I understand that inner security takes a long while to develop. Hence, why I went to therapy myself.

Yes, any reassurance that we provide to the OP will only be temporary. Our efforts to soothe him in these times of distress will not replace him doing deep inner growth towards becoming more secure. And my guess is that this has been an ongoing difficulty in his life, not just sparked by opening up his marriage.

Danielsen, can you please speak to these perspectives? What is your hesitation to therapy, when it has been suggested here numerous times by numerous posters?
 
It is my observation that Danielsen has slowly made a little progress. He does cycle up and down, and rarely posts to report an up. I don't have a problem reassuring him, though that's just me.
 
It is my observation that Danielsen has slowly made a little progress. He does cycle up and down, and rarely posts to report an up. I don't have a problem reassuring him, though that's just me.

I don't mean to minimize what progress Danielsen has made, nor to suggest that people here don't want to provide reassurance. And I appreciate how kind you are to everyone here, Kevin. :eek:

I'm speaking to the pattern throughout his posts here. Again, we cannot do the deep inner growth for him. We can only provide some temporary soothing, just like his wife has suggested.

To me, it feels like treating a gun shot wound with a bandaid. Yes, it may stop the bleeding for a moment, but it doesn't take away the fact that there's a bullet in his arm. We are "treating" the symptoms, not the core problem. While we can continue to dole out bandaids, I wonder if it is more useful to say, "hey man, I wonder if you have a bullet in your arm. Maybe go check that out with a doctor?" If the wound keeps bleeding, gets infected, and starts to fester, perhaps more help is needed than the bandaids he can get here. I think HappilyFallenAngel is correct in noting that this is a 19 page thread.

At this point, there have been several posters who have suggested that getting some help with a professional might be useful. I am more wondering what is Danielsen's perspective on this, since I can't recall him addressing those posts.
 
Yeah, I think I suggested counseling to Danielsen quite awhile back, and I still think it would be a good idea. Part of the problem is that he doesn't answer direct questions that are put to him, he just reports the latest crisis. That's frustrating.
 
It is my observation that Danielsen has slowly made a little progress. He does cycle up and down, and rarely posts to report an up. I don't have a problem reassuring him, though that's just me.

I think he's done a pretty amazing job. It hasn't been quite four months since his wife told him she was interested in this guy and maybe 3 1/2 since she started dating him. He's made a sea change in his lifestyle. I don't mind reassuring, either.

As far as the blankets and cuddling goes... My ex and I used separate blankets for 25 years even at times that we were feeling desperately and crazy in love with each other. Right now i e got some pretty intense and sweet NRE going for two partners, one who I'm all wrapped up with all night and one I'm not. I could not tell you, to save my life, which I like more or am more attached to. I'm completely crazy over both.
 
Therapy isn't right for everybody. If it isn't Danielsen's cup of tea, so be it. I think it's perfectly okay that he come here and ask questions, and to look for support here. No need to push him toward therapy if it isn't something that resonates for him at this time. There are many paths to self-enlightenment.
 
Genuine update

Hey everybody

I wanted to give you all a genuine update. Before I do I just wanted to say thank you for letting vent here. All of your advice and perspectives really helped me to come to terms with the reality of my own situation. I can't thank you all enough for that. Also, I wanted to apologize for not addressing questions you had of me namely why I was not seeking therapy. First off, logistically in the small town where I live there are no poly friendly therapists secondly all I needed from you kind people was your advice and understanding. I know that got exhausting because I kept circling the same types of questions that often were addressed in early posts. Sometimes another perspective on the same problem was enough to pull me out of my funk for that day. What you guys don't understand about me is that I process things very slowly and often require repition before things settle in for me. I'm sorry, perhaps I could have said something about that. I knew that I could overcome my insecurities without therapy I just needed to commiserate with other poly people, have great talks with my wife (sometimes long into the morning) and reading articles and the book Sex at Dawn. (awesome book) . You guys were part of my healing process and even though it seemed like I was getting no where you guys were impacting me.

My poly family is awesome. We do things together like a true family we even bought a sectional patio furniture so we can cuddle puddle under the stars by the fire. I am no longer plagued by incessant negative thoughts or insecurities. My wife had proved to me her love which never diminished for me in fact I grew as did mine for her. I've learned a lot about men and women and the differences in which men and women view and interpret sex. I'm more confident them I've ever been. All because i was forced outside of my comfort zone. I love my wife so much and I needed to overcome my needy and unhealthy attachment to her. I respect her and have always given her what she needs I believe in equality and that I don't own her body and the fact that she freely chooses me to be a part of her life is all I need to reassure me of her love for me.

Thank you all again, I will never forget your willingness and timeliness to give me advice in the desperate moments of this once tumultuous path in my life that now shines brightly at the end of the tunnel. You guys are awesome.

Sincerely Chris Danielsen
 
Last edited:
Wow! It sounds like you've had some major breakthroughs; that's awesome. Please know that if you run into any future rough spots, I am perfectly willing to help you out, even if it's just covering old ground again. If that's what helps you, then let's do it! :)

I wish all three of you the best and hope you'll have a wonderful life together.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top