Not Dead Yet!

Heh. I do the "wait until I'm not reading on my phone or tablet" thing as well. And then I either forget to reply, or the conversation has moved on. Plus, I tend to have a little bit of time to pop in and read for a minute or two here and there, but not as much time to reply nowadays (I tend to take forever and edit myself to death).

Except, clearly, at 11pm on a Sunday night when I should be going to bed. D'oh. :p
 
I am more of a reader than forum poster. I say more of a reader, but I pretty much read everything on here.
I tend to agree with a little of what everyone says and also tend to be opinion flexible, while I think one way in the morning I may not think the same way later, so I don't post.
I am also crap and impatient at the quotes.
It all adds up to infrequent thread responder.
I appreciate all the viewpoints, including yours Opal. I read your blog and enjoy your writing style.
 
I know I typically post more in my blog when I am trying to figure something out. So it's skewed towards when I was upset or unhappy or worried. But I realized I need to also celebrate the good, warm, happy times too. They need an electronic 'record' too.

So I am currently ridiculously happy. Glow is showering upstairs - we've spent most of the Christmas holiday together. It's been great. My friends are generally doing well - the usual hiccups but nothing serious. My parents are also well as is my extended blood family. Work is moving along smoothly.

I'm so lucky.
 
Glad to hear things are going well right now.
 
Yay! :)
 
Happy for you, opal!
 
Things are going well.

I noticed something about myself the other day. When I am in pain, I find it hard to connect. Now this might seem stunningly obvious to most, but I hadn't thought about it before.

My back is hurting me - I think I sprained it and it's been hurting for a while now. I might actually have to go see a medical professional about it.

But anyway, Glow came over last night to hang out with me despite my inability to do much. It was great to see her. And I had a hard time 'tuning in' to her. The pain kept getting in the way of that. I felt disconnected from her which was odd. I then worried that maybe the NRE was fading and we're entering the 'regular' part of a relationship, or that our connection was just because of NRE. I've calmed down since then and have realized that the reason for the disconnection was the pain I was in. It crowded out anything else.

So that was a realization for me.
 
I'm still quite contented but the NRE is beginning that slow slide into the 'new normal'. I'm a little sad that the 'buzz' is going away even though I know it inevitably must. However, I am also really interested to see how things develop. Now is the time when Glow and I will really get to know each other. It's also a little scary, as I see long term potential with Glow. A long term relationship means being vulnerable and that is scary. So far, acknowledging that it is scary to myself has been sufficient coping mechanism. I might need to tell her that too.

Other, sad things have been going on. My dear friend is losing her father - he has been brought home to die from the hospital. I've been going over to the family home to be supportive and try to help out when I can. He is a good, kind person who will be much missed. I noticed when I was visiting how frequently people would come over to say their goodbyes and tell about how he affected them. It's been incredibly moving and really shows the life he lived. I hope I am worthy of that kind of a goodbye when it's my time.

More immediately relevant, I think the FWB/play partner connection I had with Willow and Bean is winding down. I would like to talk to them about it but it's been hard to get motivated to do so. I learned to not be with people who usually need nudging to talk about problems or issues. It's wearying to be the one bringing stuff out into the open all the time. Whatever they have to say is fine with me, I would just like to openly acknowledge that things have changed. Ah well. I can't complain really - I knew this all beforehand so it's no surprise.
 
How have things changed? I wonder what the problems are?
 
@Magdlyn, I don't know if there is a problem really. I feel a 'winding down' of the sexual connection between all three of us. Perhaps things have gone their natural course. I'm ok with that. I guess I would just like to have this feeling acknowledged between all of us instead of not talking about it and just fading away. I'm not good at dealing with unspoken stuff. I'm just going to have to suck it up and start the conversation.

My friend's father has died. I hope the roads are clear enough to go to the services later on this week. (I live in the bullseye of the recent East Coast of the US snow storm.)

I'm stuck at home because of the snow. I have plenty of supplies and the power never went out so that's good. However, I am going a little stir crazy. Glow wasn't able to stay with me for the storm as she had work obligations today. That's been a bummer for me.
 
I feel like stuff is going on but I'm having a hard time stating just what is going on. That's rather maddening.

I've been rather 'meh' lately. Some, perhaps most, of it is work related deadlines coming up. I've also been struggling to maintain a good diet lately and that has been intensely frustrating. My diabetes so far has not worsened but I really want to progress to not being diabetic. I'm really not sure how to get myself back on track. Willpower alone has been insufficient. I may need to look into more drastic lifestyle and food changes.

I have created a check list of healthy things I need/should to do every day, like take medication, vitamins, check blood sugar, etc. I feel accomplished when I literally check things off. I'm hoping this 'rewards' so I get in the habit of doing these things every day. So far it's been helpful but it's not even a full week of trying it yet.

Glow finally had an initial appointment with an endocrinologist awhile ago. I was able to go with her. She's considering if she wants to go on hormones or not. Also I learned that keeping semen frozen is way more expensive than I thought possible. I had assumed that since feminizing hormones often cause permanent infertility, that banking sperm in case she ever wanted biological children would be a no brainer. But whoa, costly!

I'm struggling a bit with how and when to talk about my thoughts on her options with her. On the one hand, I would like her to know my take on the matter. We've discussed some of my fears, and hers, and I need to continue doing that for my own well-being, and the well-being of the relationship. As it is, from purely my own selfish perspective, I don't want her to take hormones. She already feels female to me. From my perspective, there is nothing she needs to do to seem female to me. It seems unlikely to me that hormones would change that fact for me, although I suppose hormones could make the 'outside' match more the internal reality for me as well as her.

And while I want her to know my thoughts, I'm also afraid that my opinion might matter too much to here. We have not been together long, it's still very new, and while I intend to build a long term relationship with Glow, it's still early. We're still in NRE (which is lovely). Rationally, I know I should just trust her judgment. She's got a strong sense of self and isn't going to give my thoughts more weight than I've earned. But I worry about this anyway. I'm anxious my opinion might count for too much and yet I worry about my thoughts not being taken into account. I'm not usually so conflicted. *sigh* There's some complex fear stuff going on there I haven't fully figured out yet.

I know some of it is washing over from the end of my marriage. I have a lot of regrets how I handled things in that relationship - some of which I've talked about in my blogs here. And I feel I failed in many ways there. And I am fearful of failing again. Not in the same way. I'm fearful of failing to cope well with a partner who is transitioning. But that may be baggage I'm dragging over from an old relationship and not 'real' in this one. More stuff to talk over with my therapist.

I also just don't like uncertainty and this is full of that. We just don't know how she will react to hormones, assuming she decides to go that route. And we don't know, if she decides not to go on hormones, if she will regret that decision.

Some of it is fear that down the road she will decide that not only hormones are something she wants to do but also gender reassignment surgery. I really, really don't want her to have bottom surgery. And a lot of that is selfishness. I like playing with penises. I like playing with hers specifically. It took some getting used to but I don't associate penis with male automatically so her having one doesn't make her less female to me. GRS is major surgery with potential complications and a long recovery time. I'm concerned about how she would need to -well, reconstruct seems a bit strong but I'm not coming up with a better word - reconstruct her sexuality after surgery. Some of this is internet related. I've been reading trans boards and there are many, many entries asking how to orgasm after GRS, or celebrating that sexual desire and feeling has returned, or asking when (or if!) sexual function returns. It's really scary to me to think about having to cope with that, and support a loved partner during such a time. I worry I won't want to do it, and I worry that I will resent it. I worry she won't be a sexual being afterwards. Or be so changed as a sexual being that we are no longer compatible that way.

And I feel like a selfish jerk for having these fears and thoughts. I would support her in either hormones, or surgery, or any other feminizing options she wanted to try. But I do fear the potential costs and I am fearful of my ability to cope.

*sigh*

Ok, I guess I was able to spew out what's going on.
 
Your last post here was well worded, and I can understand why you would have some trepidation.
 
It's not a bed of roses being a lover to a transperson, Opal. I can relate. Often the feelings of partners of transpersons are glossed over since the t-woman or man themselves' needs and decisions are central. But we go through a lot too, emotionally and socially.

I've been with pixi 7 years. She went on hormones full time just before we met, so I've gotten to see her "grow up" as a girl/woman. I like what hormones have done, her body has lost muscle and gained a feminine fat layer (not that she is overweight), so she feels much more in line with what her brain thinks she should look like. She's grown breasts too. And I like the look of that as well as the increased sensitivity.

Her "penis" has shrunk and she has stopped shooting ejaculate. Just a few drops come out when she cums. It's OK for me again too, since she is now multi-orgasmic like a woman! Her entire body is an erogenous zone, not just focused on that one area, like a man's usually is. Fun!

She's had hundred of hours of electrolysis too, and is getting almost done. It sure saves time and the effort of shaving every morning and putting on thick makeup to cover the shadow. Not to mention just the gender confirmation of that, for her.

I have a feeling she will be so happy to finally get surgery, it will only serve to increase her sex drive, since now, when we are doing it, she doesn't even like looking down at herself, since it just looks wrong. That said, she's grown so much over the years we've been together, she is already more sexual than she ever was, when we first met (not counting the first 3 months of her NRE).

Anyway, you're not alone. Just wanted to share what I deal in, since I'm 7 years into it. NRE long gone, but intimacy and love and trust and attraction only increasing over time. :eek:
 
All I can say, Opalescent, is that your fears and concerns seem quite real and valid, but I also understand how you would feel guilty or selfish for thinking these things. I hope it helped you to write it out. Our fears can really do a number on us if we refuse to look at them. Now you really know what worries you, and what has you uneasy and trepidatious. Those fears won't have any power over you because you've looked at them and named them, and now you can face them.
 
Not too much has changed. Glow is still considering her options. I think she might be leaning towards not being on hormones at least for a while. We still haven't had an in-depth conversation about it. I'm not sure why, or even if that's a problem.

Bean and Willow reappeared briefly but I think they are fading out again. I wish my drive for clarity didn't make me want a conversation about what the heck is going on.

The tiny pets are well! Tiny Cat has taken to supervising my kitchen activities from the top of a tall box while Tiny Dog patrols the floor. (I'm waiting for them to team up to get food dropped to the floor.) In related pet news, they both adore Glow, which is a crucial endorsement.

I had some dates lined up but flakiness (on their part) happened. Such is online dating. I don't feel much drive to pursue dates at the moment.

Also, I've joined a self-help book group that I'm excited about. I find it necessary to have outlets that are not family, poly, or kink related. Keeps me balanced and all that. Sometimes I need reminding that my little poly/kink bubble is not all the world!

It did help to write out all that anxiety about Glow's transition and my possible reactions to it. I became less fearful, at least for now.
 
Sounds like things are going reasonably well overall. I hope things work out for Glow.
 
Possibly triggering...

I had a very disturbing dream this morning. A relative who has died was in my dream telling me that she was going to kill herself. She was ready, was in pain and suffering and had enough. I kept trying to persuade her to not to die, telling her I loved her, would miss her, don't leave me. She wasn't unsympathetic but she was certain that she should kill herself. Dream me was so emotional and just pleading and crying with her.

And I knew that I could not stop her and she would die. Also that my reasons for her to live were about me - I wanted her around, I loved her, I did not want to be the only person in my family who was poly and kinky (the relative who is gone was also poly and kinky although we did not discuss it), I would miss her. I kept trying to be ok with the fact that she wanted to die, was unhappy and suffering and that maybe was best - although I knew it was not the best for me and, I believed, for her.

Although this is not what happened with the relative in question, I do believe she chose to die on some level. She had chronic health issues that she refused to effectively treat - they killed her eventually. I do think this is grief about this relative coming out still.

I also think I am anxious about loss these days, fear of losing Glow, fear of losing my parents. Knowing that loss is inevitable, my parents will die, my relationship with Glow will change and is likely to end someday - all that is not helping with the fear of loss.

I'm also thinking about vulnerability a lot these days. I'm mulling over how to be vulnerable and open and intimate and also be aware that there are no guarantees. I've been more vulnerable with Glow lately - telling her some of my fears, letting her see parts of me. It's been good and affirming. But I am also experiencing more fear, fear of loss, of being rejected, of not being enough. I'm trying to figure out how to continue being vulnerable, and not be vulnerable when that's a good idea, and address my fears, know them and live with them (as I don't think these kind of fears ever go away entirely.)

(I don't think being vulnerable all the time is good for the person being vulnerable and sometimes for the person being vulnerable at (?) - not sure how to phrase that. I think it can turn into emotional dumping if one is not careful.)

Anyway, it's a deep thought afternoon.
 
Sounds like you miss your relative quite a bit. More than you realized, perhaps.
 
I read folks concluding that poly can't/won't/doesn't work because of what they read here on the forum. People forget that happy people don't generally post because they are contented.

I'm certainly an example. Things are going along. Not much to tell right now. Glow is mulling her transition options, no decision made as of yet. Acknowledging my fears about those possibilities has helped me a great deal. There is really much to recommend openly sharing fears. Facing them makes them manageable, at least for me. I recognize this may not be true for others.

We are settling into a more realistic stage of NRE, if that makes sense. Slowing down - at least for me - into a more sedate pace of growing the relationship. I don't want to do all the escalator relationship things *right now*. I had the sense to keep a rein on that and Glow is a steady person anyway as well as only a year removed from a serious relationship. It's been nice to gather myself and remind myself I do not have to do the relationship escalator thing, except if I want to, and Glow wants to and we are ready.

I had a minor epiphany about how I wanted to spend my time. I was struggling to find time to spend with my parents and friends. This really bothered me. I finally had the thought that focusing on dating was not what I wanted to do. It took time away from people I find more important, my family and friends. I don't want to be a poly person who only sees coworkers and partners because of time constraints. My friends are dear to me and I would much rather put the time in with them, to keep those relationships than find someone else to date. My parents are getting older and so time with them is just more important. So, while I peek at OKC once in a while, I'm not putting energy into dating. If I meet someone in the course of my life that I would want to date, I'd consider it but I'm not in 'seeking' mode. The couple I was seeing have gone by the wayside. I have a very intermittent FWB which suits me at the moment. And that's more than enough.
 
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