Sailing Solo

Thank you for the kind thoughts. We still don't have any details, hoping it is natural causes. Just trying to make it to the weekend. I ended up dealing with much of the aftermath of the end of work day reveal. There were professional grief counsellors there but folks weren't ready to share with strangers and I did a lot of holding folks tightly and crying myself.There was the moment when I looked around and realised I was the only management representative left. I felt abandoned, because in fact, i had been.
This all got mixed up with Prof and relationship talks last night. His last trip was mostly a vacation with Ms Music with a work trip carved out of the middle. I had no idea, basically because I didn't want to know. I only remember a few key parts of the conversation. I was emotionally wrung out by the time I saw him and hit the alcohol on an empty stomach.
He says he had no idea that I didn't want to discuss other partners because of the negativity I was hearing. I am sure I mentioned it on more than 1 ocassion :rolleyes:
No idea that I wanted more BD play and what about the other week when he asked at like 2 am? I could have really gone that down path of how I have been asking for months but decided to just let it go at we would "both" work on asking.
I said I was jealous of his trip, he had asked me to go but I couldn't, but travel has been my trigger for a long time. It sounds like he had a fun time. I was wondering why contact was so sporadic. Now I know! He said he had never travelled and adventured so much as this past year with me. that felt good to hear.
Most of it was positive. communication is good, we have a pattern to it. Hence me wondering what was going on during the last trip, but whatever :cool:
We are both working on sharing feelings. he wants me to be able to ask for help. I tend to ask using phrases like " if you are not busy", or "when you have time."
He said he thinks we both are trying out emotions and sharing emotions with each other and that other folks have commented how much easier and nicer he is to talk to these days. He likes that we are both experimenting and that is seems to be successful.
My main focus was more along the lines of "What is the point, what are we doing and why are doing it?" He completely understood that my world had been rocked and the little detail questions had changed into big picture questions. His answer was along the lines of love, exploring, adventures, mutual respect, great sex.
He feels the elephant in the room is still me not talking about "other people." He wants are more scheduled approach to relationship check ins and to use those opportunities to discuss other partners. He doesn't want updates to be dropped into casual conversation. He absolutely wants to know when I start a relationship with someone and if I am having sex. it was the last thing he said to me when I left this morning. "Are you having sex with other people?" "Will you tell me when you are having sex with people?" I said I will when I am ready.
If I see Jay this weekend and we have sex again then I will tell Prof. I feel I have to push through my reticence to discuss if the open/poly side of the relationship is going to work. My DADT is showing it limitations as time progresses.
 
Jay texted that he is back in town. He is unsure if he will have time to meet over the weekend. I would prefer a little more enthusiasm with planning but am getting the feeling that he needs to be the one to initiate meeting times. I am telling myself to sit back, relax, and see if he puts in the effort.
 
As more info comes out about the recent loss, and now it would appear suicide, so Prof and I deepen our conversations.
Last night was very different conversation than Wednesday's rather scattershot "explain it all to me now." I have been testing the water of "will you be there for me or is it not something you want in this relationship?" He said he is always there for me but I must learn to ask. I told him I have been testing/experimenting with leaning on him and he said he has been observing his own responses of how to provide support and even if he is willing to provide support as that is not usual his cup of tea. We are quite funny in how we are both trying out relationship and emotional things on each other and we both know we are doing it.
He reiterated that most of our relationship is very happy but we must work on the partner information exchange. I am coming to agree to some degree but the extent and volume of information exchange needs to be controlled.
I can see a jealous streak in Prof and I was a bit stunned by the week long vacation with Ms Music, so I am not immune to the green-eyed monster. I don't have an issue with other things he does with other people but travel. ah travel. I remember getting all hot under the collar when Kip sent me pics of his hotel on stilts. "You went to my dream hotel? Without me?" It is quite unreasonable because maybe one day I will go somewhere without Prof. I hope I do! I had to stop reading travel articles and travel books a few years ago. Ok, well I seem to have had travel issues for years. I didn't really think it was over Ms Music. I told him before that I am envious of the amount he gets to travel. He said an previous BD partner got in touch and wants to play. Yup sure, go ahead. He has another trip in November for 10 days, no girlfriends but I have been quietly stewing about that. Maybe I need to plan a wee trip just for me, apart from the 2 camping trips I have planned. :rolleyes: It is an addiction, one I can't really afford.
So back to the bonding. He said he I am his person to call if he ever felt suicidal and we discussed the difference between wanting to call "somebody" and wanting to call "you." I am very touched that I would be his "you." He said he was worried that I might lose him if I was dating other people. I pointed out that I "might" be seeing one other person and how come he didn't lose ME in his rather large pot of lovers, he said because he was in love with me.. :cool: :rolleyes: (there was an unspoken d'uh in there too ) He does seem to be more insecure about me dating than I imagine him to be.
And on to Jay. I replied to his vague but lengthly text with the 2 slots I have available over the weekend, the original time slot having been taken already. He actually replied fairly promptly, only slightly under 24 hours :rolleyes: then some rapid fire texting, only 3-4 hours between responses :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: and got something set up. I have no idea if the dude is a crap texter in general or he just isn't that bothered about seeing me.
I did some text analysis :D, might as well look at the data if you have it, he has said on 4 previous occasions that he "might" have free time and then actually has made it work. If I do see him on Sunday and things go well then I will tell Prof. It has been a couple of months at this point.
Kip. I ended up being fairly explicit and I said I have moved on, he said "see ya." I take the "ya" to mean he is not happy.
I keep breaking up with people.
 
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and I have swung back to the other direction. I don't want to discuss relationships with other people. Apart from condoms. But right now I am even scared to bring that up. He told me she doesn't want to use them a while ago. and now they had a week long vacation, what if they had a few lapses? I would break up with him. Right now I don't trust him. I swung out in the trust direction, shared and bared and now I want to pull in and away. I think I do better relying on myself. At this moment I don't even want to do open relationship anymore. I don't want to do any romantic relationships. I don't want to negotiate and text and plan and schedule and talk and take other people's feeling into consideration. I want to work out, sleep and be with my kids. I know it is grief but it feels very real.
 
I worked out, am getting the kids back sooner and finally got to the bottom of the dating/questions/ issue with Prof.
The condom talk went great. We agreed that we are in the type of relationship where not using condoms with other folks is not going to be an option. He said he doesn't ask his other partners about their other partners, he assumes they have them and therefore condoms are always the only choice. Yes, he had a week with Ms Music but she has quit asking him to fluid bond.
I told him I have a date coming up with Jay, condoms were to be used at all times and there would be no discussion of fluid bonding and that was pretty much the end of the conversation for the evening.
Next morning I asked him if there any other boundaries or expectations he would like in place? "Let's assume you are collared to me, will only have BD play with me and anyone else will have to follow the protocol of one Dom asking another if he can play with his sub." :eek:It was one of those cartoon double take moments. What?! Really?! "Yes, that it how it done in the BDSM culture and that is what I expect." I raised the point that we haven't discussed collaring, isn't there supposed to be a big ritual around it, aren't there checklists and contracts to be drawn up? "We don't need all that, stop reading crap online, I am your Master and anyone else has to ask because there are so many crazies in the BD world and I don't want you to get hurt." I neither agreed or disagreed just listening and asking questions.
Is there anything else? No. Ass fucking is ok? "I can't ask you not to do that, it's your body." But you don't want me to. " I can't tell you what to do but it would acceptable if you kept that just for us."
At this point I tell him that he needs to be clear, no more in the middle language," if you like, if that works for you, that is ok, I can't ask you to do that, I can't ask you not to do that."
I said," I don't think you want me to date at all, you haven't for a while but you don't outright ask." More of the same avoidance... " I can't ask you, you need to decide what works for you, you don't ask me not to do things." WHAT IS IT YOU WANT? I didn't shout but it was time to be clear.
I don't want you to date other people.
I don't want you to fall in love with other people.
I don't want you to have sex with other people.
I don't want you to go camping with other people.
Well, I can't ask you not to go camping, camping is fine, well, you can date other people...
I told him those were the 4 most honest things I have heard him say and it sounded like he had had that list for a while. He repeated it verbatim, so yes, these were not new thoughts.
So his need for information comes from a place of not wanting me to date at all, as I suspected he is looking for reasons why the person is not good enough and would be injecting sabotage type comments wrapped up in insincere, "Have a fabulous date!" "fabulous" and "!" are not things Prof uses in any conversation. :rolleyes:
So where are we at?
I will continue to see Jay with minimal questions and interference, this ball is rolling and for now Prof has to deal with it. We will quit playing the information exchange game where I ask him 2 questions so he gets to ask me 2 questions. I don't particularly care about what he does with other people, I can't keep up with his lifestyle, but general info about the GFs is fine. His questions were coming from a very different place and nothing I told him would fix the fact that he didn't want me to date and I mostly knew that, he didn't want to admit it, so round and around we went.
It is a great relief to know I am not nuts and reading far much into what Prof said and did.
I hope he feels better about finally having his feelings out there too.
I am meeting Jay in a few hours and am looking forward to it :)
 
So... what happens if you don't want to be collared? What if you only want the BDSM to be one element in your relationship but not a full-time lifestyle that applies when he's not there? What happens if you don't agree to his terms? Did he explain why he feels he has any authority regarding your other relationships and choices that don't have to do with him? And what is up with his double standard?

What are you going to do?
 
Reply #2 also eaten.
tl;dr version. No conclusions and no further discussions with Prof.
Sunday night with Jay was sexy fun and we are both on the same page with what we are doing.
Labor Day street party was excellent.
 
Even though I'm effectively mono right now (and likely to continue being so for some time) I self identify as solopoly, and your blog has always been an inspiration for me in that way. I'm confused, though, about how being collared by a man who doesnt want you to date or love or even camp with other people is either solo or poly. I think you are a thoughtful person, so I'm sure you are already thinking about this from all directions, but as an outsider and stranger... This attitude of his is worrisome. He sounds to me like a cowboy, trying to get you away from 'that life' (instead of 'that partner' as cowboys usually do).
 
I could probably write a great many paragraphs, but I will spare you that. I took issue with his saying that's the way it's done in BDSM. There is no one way. He needs to realize that you two are only negotiating your own dynamic. And he needs to listen to your wants and needs.

I am seeing a woman who is collared. I didn't have to ask his permission. He does have some limited veto power with regards to safety. She has to text him before playing with others. Other than that, she is free to negotiate her own terms. She is an adult and he trusts her to make good decisions.
 
Argh! Lost my writing again!

The “unbelievably beautiful “ Ms White Picket is coming to stay with Prof next weekend. She will stay at his house. She is so unbelievably beautiful, no really she is, he can’t wait to have sex with her because he really shouldn’t miss an opportunity like that. He has Friday night free but that’s it and I can have it if I want but Saturday night he plans on having sex with her.
I ask him why he feels he needs to tell me this, we don’t discuss sex with other people.
He tells me he is being honest and truthful, she really is so unbelievably beautiful and Saturday night he is having sex with Ms White Picket and he thinks I should know.
It is an obvious retaliation for me seeing someone. Painfully obvious. And painful. Actually, mostly I have got past the pain and into, “She is lucky that someone feels that way about her and he is lucky to find someone he feels that way about.” I am a little sad it isn’t me.
Vinsanity0. I see that whole collaring statement to be part of his, what now appears to uncontrolled insecurity and jealousy. I haven’t broached the subject since he came out with,” Let’s assume you are collared to me…” He has had collared play partners before, I am 99% sure there were no assumptions made regarding who was agreeing to what.
A2poly. The blog title is from over 2 years ago. Things have changed in many ways. We went from seeing each other once a week and occasionally more, to pretty involved. I have tried to preserve the independence with regard to sex, dating, etc. but the fact that I am not terribly good at dating and suck at communication means things have been building up. He got used to me not dating and isn’t prepared for me to find someone that I like and want to see regularly. Yes, cowboy.
I was not expecting this level of backlash. I lie. I saw hints of it. I didn’t expect him to deal the low blows though. I am struggling to see myself naked with someone whose dream-come-true is arriving next week. I am not the most beautiful person, but I don’t expect my lover to be the one to tell me how I don’t match up in an effort to express his unhappiness at me doing the open part of the relationship. I don’t know why I am even going down that path. He is upset and hurt and is lashing out.
I am doing my usual thing and withdrawing. I have tickets for a show this weekend and I don’t know what to do next. I am not going to play “identify the cause of the behavior” with him. He is highly intelligent and if he refuses to identify it himself then screw him. The cracks are gaping wide.
 
I'm sorry, Atlantis :( I love reading your blog but I don't comment much because our styles of poly are so different. But, I just wanted to say that Prof would not be lashing out, nor would he keep harping on how "unbelievably beautiful" Ms. White Picket Fence is if she was so unbelievably wonderful that he preferred her over you.... he'd just be living his life with her. He just wants to make you feel as insecure and jealous as he feels. But, as you've said, it's not your place to point out his jealousies and insecurities, nor is it your place to work through those feelings for him. I'm sorry he's being an ass :(
 
HI Pink Pig,
Thank you for the comments. I agree, he is being an ass, that is the most succinct way to put it.
He has already said on multiple occasions that he can't deal with her for more than 48 hours at a time, she is intensely high drama. He said on Weds that he wouldn't get into another relationship with her but that she is so attractive that of course he wants to have sex with her.
In some ways I can brush it off and in others I can't. I see a pattern in my own behavior of getting into relationships where partners say extremely hurtful things to me, prick me do I not bleed? I am sensitive to criticism, my ex spent years telling me how unattractive and fat I was to cover up his ED, but if you hear it enough it starts to sink in. Prof has told me that he has sex with Ms Bike even though he doesn't find her attractive anymore. Is it any wonder I am so against discussing other partners! I opened up a lot emotionally last week, and then get whammed with Weds night kick in the pants.
Makes me think I am better off backing away and managing by myself.
He sent me a cutsey text this morning from a plane, he is looking forward to the show on Saturday. I am contemplating emailing him his ticket. I do not wish to see him at this time, but neither do I want to waste a pricey ticket, or become one who extends invitations and retracts them.
On the plus side I texted Jay about next Saturday night and he replied promptly, well, promptly for him. At his request I am keeping texting to scheduling only and at my request he did not take 4 days to reply to a
scheduling query.
 
We met after work and he admitted the Ms White Picket comments had been in retaliation for my reticence with discussing Jay. He said was hurt and frustrated by what he saw as me not following the agreed upon agreements on discussion and disclosure. He says I was laughing and evasive while he was trying to be serious . I said it was nervous laughter and yes I was being evasive, I didn't want to say more than I already had. We had moved into scheduling, he realised he had the weekends mixed up and Ms White Picket was coming in one of my kid free weekends ( apparently me and the kids are his scheduling priority :eek:) and decided to get back at me by making it seem like he had done it deliberately. It was purely coincidence that he used Ms WP, he didn't remember the Xmas 2013 debacle. I told him I wouldn't have cared if it was anyone else but to get bumped twice for the same person really cut and the level of praise coming from the man who thinks "nice" is a strong compliment. He said he knew that and that is exactly why he did it. He thinks I am jealous of her because of how strongly I reacted the next day, once it had time to sink in. I said I haven't objected or said anything about you meeting her on any occasion since then because it was never about her it about is how you treat me when she is around, very different. I was so upset with you last time that I broke up with you, remember? And then I saw the light come on and he apologised.
All kinds of things came out. He doesn't mind me dating and having sex with other people, I said it is one person and I just can't date how he does. He says he has multiple partners because he doesn't want to get "enveloped" into their lives and doesn't want them to try and get too involved with him. I am the only person he sees regularly and that the only one he wants to have an in-depth relationship with. He is anxious that I am only seeing one other person, he says I must like them a lot and that is worrying.
We discussed what reassurance looks like to each other. He wants verbal check-ins and regular updates, I want to schedule. He likes the scheduling. I don't get what verbal reassurance is about. I asked for some concrete language and he couldn't provide examples.
We agreed to work on communcation. We agreed to admit to cultural differences and language use differences.
I did a reread of this entry and see the part where I should have supplied verbal reassurance, the part where he is worried that I am only seeing one other person. That is the moment where I think, "suck it up and deal with it." Relationships end, people move on, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. He says I am the most independent woman he has ever met and while he admires me for it it can also be unsettling to feel that you are not needed.
He had a little notebook with a few pages of written down of notes. He went through the list. I blogged my was through a number of thoughts on here yesterday afternoon although apparently the automatic time out monster ate yet another post. I am seeing the need for some written agreements. We booth like things to be written down. But these agreements need to be for him and I and not relationships with other people, that way is not my way.
 
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Sick kids, sick me, work is crazy. We had a cold. Very small word for feeling that crappy. But on the mend now.
The show last weekend was super fun. the weather was perfect for an outdoor event.
I saw Prof a few times last week. He had the same cold, ( wonder where he got that from ) so we drank toddies at night, held hands, he went home, I went to bed, rinse and repeat.
He offered to let Ms WP stay at his house alone and he come stay with me. I let the offer slide on by with no comment as I already had my Saturday night planned. I told him on Saturday morning that while I am prepared to work more with the other people communication I did not want to discuss this weekend. He agreed.
It doesn't do much for one's body image when Ms Unbelievably Beautiful is on her way and you have the head cold and cough from hell. I did put on a cute lingerie outfit and Wednesday. He said I looked "nice" not hot, not sexy, "nice." I made zero overtures for sex after that and went to sleep. My feelings were hurt.
By Friday night I was feeling better but tired. We went out for a few drinks and dessert and had a great night. really fun physical sex and the same again on Saturday morning. I forgot about being body shy and now am back to "like it or lump it." I am in pretty good shape for my age.
Last night I met with Jay. I gave him 2 outs to cancel the date, my cold and my period started. ( no wonder I was feeling run down ) but he said he still wanted to hang out with me, he enjoyed my company and didn't care if sex wasn't an option. Anytime I was unwell or on my period Kip would suddenly be very busy and cancel. I don't think Prof has ever cancelled on me due to health or period.
We had a few drinks and a light dinner, watched some stand-up on youtube and had sex for hours. We took a break and had more sex. He is starting to prefer the "take a break" model and then have more. We discussed getting some tickets for some music events. I have only set of tickets right now for a show that just got postponed again. Things are going fine, he is happy for me to propose meeting times. Maybe time to add him to my signature. here goes.
 
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Tickets: I have one current set that have been postponed from December until Spring next year. I told Prof that we now had to stay together for a few months longer. He asked what I meant and I told him that I use tickets as a motivator to work through problems and not throw in the towel too quickly. He said that we had the Euro tickets for a year and I said yes, it I was very aware of that and made an effort to try to discuss issues. His response to that was pull out his phone and look at travel times and costs to some destinations we had discussed. He said he never really thought about the future or planned very far ahead because he assumed we would be together as we get along well and don’t have any major relationship issues. He did invite me on an out-of-state trip next weekend but I have an appointment that would be a big pain to move. We discussed a trip that I have wanted to do for years, he enthusiastically agreed to go and I said I would not book anymore trips until I had saved for that. He was like, no, no, now he will feel anxious if there is nothing on the calendar between spring 2016 and probably winter 2017. . I told him that I hadn’t found anyone yet to agree to my slightly loony and expensive expedition, so it was a safe bet I would keep working on things till then. I really suck at the reassurances thing. Another missed opportunity.
I haven't heard much from Jay, he really is not a chatty texter. He messaged that he had fun Saturday, is looking forward to the next time, and as of yet no reply to a suggested night which is his official Dad night with kids. I was in 2 minds about whether or not to suggest it but it is all I have got for a while. I told him he can always say no, I have no problem with parenting priorities.
 
I got a reply from Jay. He writes texts like mini emails, with greeting, commas, paragraphing and sign-off. He does do regular texts but it is an unexpected layout format from a techie.
He said he is unlikely to be able to do Weds and that those are his nights to be with the kids; which is exactly what I wrote in my last entry. I replied that is fine and then lay in bed feeling guilty about adding another partner when my schedule is so limited.

Side bar. It takes me so long to write an entry that I get to walk off and have a think about things. Day time on kid free weekends is a possibility.

Prof is away in November for an extended period, but November! We are not even in October yet.
On the plus side I don't think Jay is the type to get put out of shape if we don't see each other regularly. I am not too happy about it though, I like to see people in person. I am trying to remember why I felt I had the time to do this. I like him and I would like to spend some more time with him. Make that anytime with him. I suppose unexpected slots will open up and we will need to jump on those.
 
Baby steps in the direction of communication about Jay.
Prof and I were scheduling and he realized that I needed free time for seeing Jay and asked if that was why we were sitting with the calendar. I said there are 2 purposes, one, we do this calendar thing regularly right? He agreed we did. Second, I said will find time to see New Dude, (Jay ) but it won’t impact what we have planned already. We reviewed our expectations of when we see each other, and I didn’t propose any changes. Prof asked if Jay would be coming round to hang out when the kids were home and I said no, that is not something I plan on doing anytime soon. He expressed concern about the kids being confused. I didn’t reply to that, as that is entirely my call, but I recognise that he is pretty attached to the kids and has their best interests at heart. The kids might see Jay with his kids at school event but those events would most certainly not be an opportunity for any actions that could be considered romantic in nature.
The question and answer session was gentle in nature, nothing was too probing or could lead to squeaky hinge syndrome. I felt the questions were reasonable and not inflammatory. I didn’t ask him any.. I am back into a not very interested in what he is doing with other partners mode as I got burned recently with more information than I would ever ask for. I am still contemplating whether or not to approach his verbal fighting technique. It is not the first time he has gone for the jugular instead of sticking to the annoyance at hand. But we had super fun last night, catching up, laughing and lots of sex. I greeted him last night with lingerie and chilled bubbles, much better than launching into relationship discussions.
Jay sent a WSJ link to day and a youtube link about an IPO we were discussing last week. I am having fun playing “analyze the text.” He is currently texting approx. every 2nd day and it has always been scheduling related with the odd “thanks for a fun night.” This is an decrease in time between texts from 4 days +. This is the first time he has texted something conversation like. I am wondering if he will offer to pop round for a night cap next week and make the time to do it. Is an increase in texting frequency and variety of topics related to the likelihood of an in-person meeting? Class starts next week. Apparently I need some data to mess with.
 
Kip is messaging at the moment. Lots of "miss you" ( misses the pussy, eh, NYC? ) I have asked him what he has to offer. His wife is away for a few days and he is allowed to go have fun. I am a booty call! I haven't seen the dude for about 6 months I think. The offer is now, "let's do one night and see where it goes after." Erm, cancellations and more vague promises while your wife is away. How can I resist?

Prof booked us flights for a city trip weekend for my birthday treat. Jay texted and wants to chat on the phone to "synch schedules." That is how you treat someone you care about in my book. You actually arrange stuff and then turn up for it.

The ex has been fucking around and flaking this week. I stood and took some verbal abuse from him the other day. It's rabbit in the headlights syndrome, when he starts I am so stunned that I default to taking it rather than try to defend which always makes him worse. Prof asks why I keep trying. Kid #1 commented that "Daddy ruins lots of plans." It is another situation where nothing will ever change. I feel defeated. The kids and I made things work, we always do. People have offered to help with the party today. I have done it all myself. I had a few days of being unable to to have expectations of people. I will do it all myself. There was no room for being let-down.

I told Prof I couldn't handle planning the city trip. He did it all, "no worries", he said. Emailed the tickets and reservations. I think that is love.

Pizza birthday party in the park in an hour. Next year is the restaurant or camping trip of choice, I am not doing this again!
 
The party went well. My friends with their kids! No school friends turned up so the adults ( my friends ) sat around and ate and chatted and took it in turns to watch the kids. We started and ended on time as we had something to do after. I have two tired and happy kids. Was it worth it? Birthday kid just said yes. Honestly, for me it was a lot of work and I don't think it was much different than a restaurant party. The adults said they preferred the Japanese restaurant we did last year, probably the sake.:D
Prof is coming round later. I am bit surprised as it is his free weekend. I told him I wasn't expecting him. He did the kid party and helped us do something after so it is all good in my book. He said he wanted to come round. I still think giving someone a Saturday night is a big deal. It's the only night I can stay up till a normal adult time :eek:
 
Last night was mostly fun. Prof worked on a project for #1 kid for well over an hour and a half. We chatted about this and that while he worked. I told him I needed a couple of Friday nights to catch up with friends, that was fine, we hadn't anything planned but an assumption that we were seeing each other on those nights. I can always pop over to his if I end up that side of town. And then we got naked and I ended up disappointed.
I asked him why an open relationship works for him, he said "My own space, sex and opportunities for communication." My three were "Sex, my own space and activities." I said again that my need for sex seemed unequal to his. He said that I am his "go to" person for lots of sex. :D
I do wonder if it is the "eyes bigger than your stomach" problem. He wants sex, lots of fun partners, but can't physically keep up with the sex, I think he needs nights off now and then and if an off night is one of my few kid free nights then I end up disappointed. Actually last night wasn't kid free. I get there are options and indeed last night I was so horny I did employ a few after he had gone. but argh. What am I supposed to do? Lower my expectations? He used to send me" no sex tonight" texts which I didn't like, neither do I think a schedule of when he has had sex the night before would be helpful. He looks, feels and smells so good, I get turned on just sitting next to him, I desire him.
The other option is Jay, but he had kids at his house too and an estranged wife. Need to have a think about it.
 
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