Not new but new to this...life

othachick76

New member
OK so....I began seeing a man many years ago and dated for two years...we were serious and we fell deeply in love. Economic issues caused us to have to find work in different states and to make a long story short the long distance relationship didn't work. We broke up as friends still keeping in touch with one another. As years passed we both became married to other people. 6 years ago My marriage failed and as someone that I cared deeply for he was the first one I called. He was in a semi open marriage where they both had to approve of the extra partner but without me meeting her our feelings for one another came to surface and we began an affair that lasted about a year. His wife is bisexual and I had not at the time ever been with a woman was bi-curious. Well the sneaking around became tedious so I was introduced to her as if I'd not been with him before. We had a rough time in the bedroom at first...note I was the rookie as they had done it before but I came to love her as a friend and lover. They both say we are a family and I've even up rooted my life to move closer to them but sadly It still feels like I'm the "other chick" when we are together. It's they focus on the importance of each other more so than me. My emotions are so involved now and it's hurtful....I haven't said much because the truth is they are married so what can I say?? Example...We go to movies and on dates as a trio but she always grabs his hand and pulls away from me and I end up trailing behind like a pet but what can I say..."ooh I don't want you to be affectionate towards YOUR husband and leave me out? Seriously what do I do?
 
OK so....I began seeing a man many years ago and dated for two years...we were serious and we fell deeply in love. Economic issues caused us to have to find work in different states and to make a long story short the long distance relationship didn't work. We broke up as friends still keeping in touch with one another. As years passed we both became married to other people. 6 years ago My marriage failed and as someone that I cared deeply for he was the first one I called. He was in a semi open marriage where they both had to approve of the extra partner but without me meeting her our feelings for one another came to surface and we began an affair that lasted about a year. His wife is bisexual and I had not at the time ever been with a woman was bi-curious. Well the sneaking around became tedious so I was introduced to her as if I'd not been with him before. We had a rough time in the bedroom at first...note I was the rookie as they had done it before but I came to love her as a friend and lover. They both say we are a family and I've even up rooted my life to move closer to them but sadly It still feels like I'm the "other chick" when we are together. It's they focus on the importance of each other more so than me. My emotions are so involved now and it's hurtful....I haven't said much because the truth is they are married so what can I say?? Example...We go to movies and on dates as a trio but she always grabs his hand and pulls away from me and I end up trailing behind like a pet but what can I say..."ooh I don't want you to be affectionate towards YOUR husband and leave me out? Seriously what do I do?

And another Unicorn speaks! Treated as a second class citizen. Honey, you're not alone.

Let's recap. You took up with an old bf after your marriage failed.

Even though bf is now married and in an "open relationship," he kept you a secret from his wife for an entire year? Why?

Then he brought your existence in his life to his wife, but didn't confess to the affair.

Then, you struck up a friendship with the wife anyway, while holding onto the secret, and she and you and he had sexual threesomes that were "rough?" What does rough mean?

Then, despite this very rough start, you moved to be near them (thank god you didnt move in with them).

What is happening now? They are exercising couple privilege and you feel second class. The wife loves you? Why won't she grab YOUR hand in public sometimes and let hubby trail behind? Or have things fallen apart between you and her emotionally and sexually, and she is being passive aggressive and treating you shittily to punish you for taking away her man's attention?

There is crap going on here. He is hiding the fact you and he had a 1 year affair. And then, even not knowing this, the wife is punishing you by monopolizing the guy in public.

Can you clarify?
 
It's they focus on the importance of each other more so than me. My emotions are so involved now and it's hurtful....I haven't said much because the truth is they are married so what can I say?? Example...We go to movies and on dates as a trio but she always grabs his hand and pulls away from me and I end up trailing behind like a pet but what can I say..."ooh I don't want you to be affectionate towards YOUR husband and leave me out? Seriously what do I do?

Hi, welcome! I was in a triad for awhile. Ours was different in that none of us lived together. And, though my relationship with Blue came first, we were also still newly together. When we went out, Blue usually walked in the middle and held both my & Snow's hands. We all openly hugged and kissed hello/goodbye, etc. We weren't overly demonstrative but we also didn't go out of our way not to be affectionate.

As for your situation, I'm a big fan of open and honest communication. No, you shouldn't say "I don't want you to be affectionate towards your husband" but you can say "I feel excluded from the affection." Or "when ____ happens, I feel ______." There's the possibility that she's intentionally excluding you, but it's also equally likely that she doesn't realize that you feel excluded. You won't know until you ask. If you feel like the exclusion is more on her end, you could approach her individually. Or, if you feel like it's on both their ends, you could approach them together. Are they 'out'? If not, that does make it more problematic to be affectionate in public. My suggestion is just to advocate for what you want. Worst case scenario is that you find that your fears are justified but at least you know. Best case scenario, it brings you closer together and you find a solution that works for all of you.
 
(Magdlyn) the decision to not tell the wife was actually mutual. I wasn't sure I wanted any relationship after my divorce much less a poly one. He and I have history, well before he even met his wife. When I say first threesomes were rough, I guess I should have said awkward. They have had them with random females before for fun but I came in different. There was already love between he and i. I am their first real relationship third. I like to believe (pink pig this answers you too) she is somewhat insecure. She is quick to use phrases Luke "my husband " and "legal wife" how well she knows him. My thought is she is unconsciously attempting to solidify her position in the relationship out of insecurity. I would like to believe she isn't aware of how it makes me feel but would be even more painful if she didn't care. It happens so much I wonder if it is intentional.
 
I would like to believe she isn't aware of how it makes me feel but would be even more painful if she didn't care. It happens so much I wonder if it is intentional.

Only way to find out is to ask! Even if your fears are confirmed, then you can figure out your path from there. Right now you're stuck in speculation. Also, I can't help wondering what impact the affair has on his relationship to his wife (and guilt) and your relationship with her.... plus your willingness to settle for less than what you want (out of guilt?) Does she know about the affair now?
 
I don't know. He says she knows but we have never talked about it. Other than this issue we really don't have much of a problem. It's just reached the point with me where I'm getting tired of it. I don't know how to express it without being an ass about it
 
I don't know. He says she knows but we have never talked about it. Other than this issue we really don't have much of a problem. It's just reached the point with me where I'm getting tired of it. I don't know how to express it without being an ass about it

Well, that could certainly be part of the issue. Trust is big and if she doesn't trust the two of you, she could be intentionally excluding you...or not.

As for how to express it, just focus on you, your needs/wants/desires/feelings and use I statements. 'When we're out and you two walk ahead and hold hands, I feel excluded. I would like to be included in the hand holding.' Use "when x happens, I feel y" type statements. That's how I'd approach it. :)
 
It is so wonderful to have someone to talk to about this. I'm still so confused about how to handle and approach things. ..it's good to know there is support out there
 
That's pretty huge, the choice to not tell the wife about the affair, and now you'ved moved to be near them*cough*him...

So you had a few awkward 3somes. The wife sensed the love you and her husband had for each other, and didn't seem to approve. All she wanted was for him to have some girl over for meaningless sex with them? At his insistence, or is she really bi? Does she also date others, male, female? Are you three done with the threesomes?

Is she really happy to have you nearby or is she just putting up with you?

As PinkPig said, it's time for some heart to hearts and expression of emotions. Polyamory isn't for the silent types. It requires excellent communication.

Also google "The Secondary's Bill of Rights." You've bought into their couple privilege. You don't have to be a 2nd class citizen. But also, it's pretty sad the wife doesn't know you and her husband had this secret affair! Would you consider confessing? Things seem to be going down the tubes here anyway, with her resentful words and actions.
 
As someone who started out this chapter of my poly life in a less than stellar fashion, I think that whether she "knows" or not, she must sense that there is "something up". Now, that may be in addition to regular old insecurity and power struggles.

My "almost cheating" partner is my now boyfriend (you can read about it in excruciating detail in the "Jackassery" section of my "Journey" blog here), but that is certainly the exception and not the rule and required a really rough time of brutal honesty and a time of "no contact" for me (and Dude) to regain my husband's trust (and, honestly, getting involved with Dude again was never part of the equation - and speaks more to their friendship and the magnitude of MrS's forgiveness than any quality of mine.)

On the other hand, some of what you may see as "exclusionary" may just actually be her usual behavior when they are out. Have you ever tried acting in a similar fashion? Or do you feel that would be "rude"? Does she feel that would be rude (i.e. intruding onto her turf)? And how would you know without asking. Not everyone is a PDA-type! I am a very PDA person but minimize it when we are out in HomeTown as I don't want to raise any eyebrows in our very conservative community.
 
Yesss

Thank you all for your imput and knowledge, these are all questions I ask myself everyday. This lifestyle is in a bit complicated as I forgot to mention that there are children involved. She has 10 year old from previous relationship that is unaware, I have two children 21 &16. One is aware and accepting the other is in the dark he has an older daughter 30 who is also unaware but suspicious. Their only child together who is only 8 and is special needs. She and I are close but of course she is not aware. We do have a hand full of friends who know but most don't. Example, he was in the hospital a while ago for a week. We were (she and i) were there and got through his surgery as partners..we rotated shifts sleeping by his side while the other went to work..when the surgeon asked who she was she said "his wife" then asked me who I was..I said "the other wife...she quickly rebutted and said SHE was the one with the papers...later when I called her on that (because it did in fact rub me the wrong way) she stated it was because she was worried someone would think he was committing bigaomy and didn't want any trouble..I found that to be total bs but she swore she didn't mean it like that..he was however proud to say he had two wives that he loved very much regardless of the whispers as side eyes of the hospital staff. I have scheduled a talk over dinner this weekend...all the gloves are off. Since I learned what a "unicorn" is there is no way I'll demean myself to that.
 
Mistype, her daughter is 18 not 10. I also failed to add his relationship with all our girls. He is so close to my children as he has known them since they were small, he is close with his own daughter however not with her 19 year old. The child never lived with her mom and when she did it was so bad between them she eventually was sent away again to live with relatives. She was always a trouble maker even stealing from him. I know she envy the relationship he has with my daughters but in that event she doesn't interfere. Which adds to my confusion
As I've said before 1/2 of my mind thinks it's malicious and manipulated...the other half believes she isn't aware. Well, we will find out soon, it's going to be a long weekend.
 
We have been there. We had one gf that lived with us, she and my wife were not sexual together. But at a point we sat down and talked about love. Our GF said she loved me, I also loved her and my wife said that we should be able to say that we loved each other in front of her. Also that both had to be treated fair and equal.
 
othachick, glad you got some info here you can use to backup your position in The Scheduled Talk. There is no point in having unanswered questions and secrets in this kind of love relationship. Everything has to be open and above-board or there are going to be passive aggressive digs, harsh words, misunderstandings and outright dislike.

My only recommendation is, it might take more than one talk. This one might be very emotional for all of you, since you plan it to be very honest. If anyone gets "emotionally flooded" and starts crazy-talking, end the talk, and resume it another day.

Schedule the next talk. Some intense Vs like yours have a sit-down pow wow every week, or every 2-4 weeks.
 
Nothing to add but I've had some really good feedback on my confusion here - I understand the bit about feeling excluded. :(
 
Greetings othachick76,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope you had your talk as scheduled with the couple you're with. How did it go?

You definitely don't want to get treated like "a unicorn." Even if they're not doing it on purpose.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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