Who am I? Who do I want to be?

Gargoyle

New member
I am 47 years old. I am bisexual but I have had more experience with men than women. I have been married 3 times with 3 divorces. I have lived in 7 different states and visited many more. I have recently moved to the northern part of the Midwest.

I have most recently escaped 10 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Only within the last year or so did I learn the term ‘Gaslighting’. It’s is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. This was made even worse by the fact that my mother has Alzheimer’s disease.

Polyamory has always been a part of my life whether I had a name for it or not. I have had several non-monogamous relationships where all parties involved knew about the other(s). While a large number of my friends know about my lifestyle my family knows nothing.

Only within the last year have I discovered what Polyamory REALLY is and how it works. Initially however, my ex tried to convince me to only sleep with women, so he could sleep with them as well. When that didn’t work quite the way he planned he choose men that he didn’t see as a threat and then pushed me at them unrelentingly until I gave in. That worked once, until I fell in love with 'D'. Then it was a problem. Then it was a threat to our marriage. Then I was forbidden to ever see 'D' again.

After the divorce, I tried to reconnect with 'D'. It lasted for about 6 months, unfortunately he is strictly monogamous and not interested in having a polyamorous relationship. Especially after our first go around ended so disastrously.

My current partner is asexual, something he didn’t honestly understand about himself or even have a word for until we were already in love and on our way to a new life together. Being a woman in your late 40’s with a partner who isn’t really interested in sex creates a whole new vocabulary for what it means to be dissatisfied.

Currently I am trying to rebuild me. I am trying to discover who I am and what I want. I am trying to find ways to occupy my time and new and different things to do. I am trying to get out more but I have just moved far away from everything I know. Mostly sit in front of this computer. It’s difficult for me to come out of the shell I was told to live in for so long. It is a journey that you would hope is enlightening and magical, mostly it’s just frustrating…but I am trying.

I used to like costuming so I am attempting my hand at that again. I enjoyed LARPing once, so I am working on getting involved. Cooking real food instead of emotional void filling crap. Struggling to loose weight one glass of water at a time. In another life I was deeply involved with a renaissance faire and I am taking a stab to get up the nerve again. Once upon a time I liked to write, I loved to read. Experimenting with that again. I have never had my own garden, so come spring I plan to plant my backyard full of flowers and vegetables and a few trees.

Relearning who you are and what you want is a strange journey. It’s an odd place to be to have to ask yourself things that most people never think twice about.
 
Greetings Gargoyle,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are getting involved in some activities that you know you enjoyed at one time. That sounds promising. I hope we at Polyamory.com can help too. Just post here whenever you have a question, we will try to answer.

It's nice to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Gargoyle, if you'd like to continue self exploration, without any specific questions, this post could be moved to our blog section. Just PM NYCindie, our moderator, and she'll help.
 
Hi Gargoyle,
It is a challenge and a test of your inner strength when you have to recover from a traumatic or devastating upheaval. I am still asking myself what I want to do with my life and who I want to be, and it is over six years since my world was turned upside down after my ex told me he wanted a divorce. It is tricky to be as kind and gentle to yourself as you know how, while also learning how to discipline yourself to get things done and move on. It's a process, a journey... "they" always say that, but it's true. Now you have an opportunity to create the life you want, as you discover who you are and what you want. Somewhere in you, you might find some excitement about that - and that is the small spark you can fan into a flame, and then into a roaring blaze!

It seems you spent a long time putting others' needs before your own. Now it is time to take care of YOU. You can do it. I know this because you write very well and so it is obvious you are intelligent and thoughtful. And what you wrote tells me you have the strength and the capability. Hang in there. You will find yourself again.

As Mags suggested, I can move this to the Blogs section if you like. Or you can start a new thread there. Let me know by PM (private message).

Welcome!
 
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