What is this "lifestyle" you mention?

I hardly ever hear people referring to monogamy as a "lifestyle".

I do. ;} Maybe I shouldn't, but it usually comes up when someone chews on me for how my relationships are (eg. "So, you're just cheating on each other?") I end up patting them on the head and saying that I support their right to choose a monogamous lifestyle, but that it doesn't work for me.
 
In the end, do any of us have a right to tell someone they can or cannot use a certain word to describe their life? And, if we do have that right, who gave it to us? As an English teacher, I have spent hours, days, weeks, and years explaining to students the subjectivity of language. So its all context and we know that, already. Whether I refer to being a geek as living a geek lifestyle or not means nothing except what someone else decides it means to them, which still means very little to me since its my life and my personal choice to use the term. While I don't refer to myself as being in a poly lifestyle, I don't give people who do a hassle over it. Not my place, not my right. All I really have a right to do is decide how I describe myself and hope people get it.
 
I do. ;} Maybe I shouldn't, but it usually comes up when someone chews on me for how my relationships are (eg. "So, you're just cheating on each other?") I end up patting them on the head and saying that I support their right to choose a monogamous lifestyle, but that it doesn't work for me.

I can see it being referred to that way by people who are unfamiliar with other relationship styles, but that does not mean that IS "a lifestyle". There may be people on this forum who consider themselves to have "a poly lifestyle", but that does not mean that there is "a" or "the" poly lifestyle for everyone who is involved in more than one lover-ly relationship.
 
Not really, I'm not even sure why I started posting on this thread. Probably because I am an English teacher and think its fascinating how people use and interact with language, how important it becomes that certain words are used and others are avoided, what it all means to them. Always interesting, especially on the Internet. Fascinating.
 
I can see it being referred to that way by people who are unfamiliar with other relationship styles, but that does not mean that IS "a lifestyle". There may be people on this forum who consider themselves to have "a poly lifestyle", but that does not mean that there is "a" or "the" poly lifestyle for everyone who is involved in more than one lover-ly relationship.

Mostly I just do that to be a butthead. I do the same if someone is tiptoeing around the fact that I 'choose' to be gay. I let them know that I support their right to choose to be straight, but that it doesn't work for me. :} The most common response is, "But... that's not really a lifestyle/choice."

Haha, no, it's not.
 
Before people accuse me of NOT doing it, let me assure you that I HAVE read through the whole of this thread before adding my 2p. However, I choose to quote from the very first 2 posts:
Seriiously, folks. I keep seeing references to some supposed poly "lifestyle" and I simply don't understand it. The only thing polyfolk can expect to have in common with other polyfolk is that they engage in multiple romantic relationships. That's it.

I have to wonder what sort of things I'd have to be doing to qualify for this "lifestyle" that keeps getting mentioned. Attend potlucks every second Thursday evening? Attend an annual Many Partners Ball? Buy a pair of assless chaps for parades? Join a fundamentalist religious cult?
[...]
One can have multiple relationships while living in a small rural town or in the 'burbs or in a city. One can have two or three or twelve partners. One can travel far and wide regularly or one can stay at home. One can dress in the latest styles or old jeans and a t shirt. One can ride motorcycles or race hot rods or eschew motor vehicles for a favorite bicycle.
Tell me something: Is "dressing in the latest styles" a lifestyle, as far as you're concerned? Is "riding motorcycles"? Is "living in a small rural town"?

Just WHAT - AFAYC - constitutes a "lifestyle"?
Whether or not I live in a small rural town or not, whether I dress in the latest styles or not, whether I ride motorcycles or not... NONE of these questions are as important to me as whether I choose to live my life in such a way that I REFUSE to limit another person A's freedom to love WHOMEVER they want, B+C+D... (whether I am personally emotionally involved with A or not, whether I think that B is an absolute arsehole or not). I also REFUSE to allow A - or B,C,D... - the power over me to tell me whom I'm allowed to love.

That's a fundamental question for me - the freedom to love whomever (and however many) one wants. I allow that freedom. I demand that freedom for myself. I live my life according to those principles.

Seems like a pretty good candidate for being called a lifestyle to me.

A lifestyle DOESN'T mean that every single member who follows it has to be exactly like every other, or do everything that every other member does. A "small rural town" lifestyle doesn't OBLIGE you to watch Andy Griffith re-runs every night.

So wear your religious-cult-approved arseless chaps to your bi-monthly potlucks... or not. It's all (as the Germans would say) Scheiss Egal to me. Polyamory isn't.
According to Dictionary.com: "the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group."

From my trusty ol' American Heritage dictionary: "A way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes or values of a person or group."
A concept doesn't have to match up with every single word in a dictionary definition to qualify for acceptance as a valid example of the word being defined.

Sorry, nycindie, but you're messing here with Mister Pedant Man "CHANG!!! KAPOW!!!" Let's rip apart your first definition: "the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group." Notice that word "attitudes"? Would you agree that not EVERYBODY of a randomly-chosen (non-poly) "lifestyle" HAS to have the same "economic level" to qualify? How about "tastes"? Does the fact that I can't stand the colour green disqualify me from a hippy lifestyle? My ATTITUDE towards the freedom of loving whom (and however many) one chooses to, added to the fact that I put my principles into practice, allows me to talk about my "polyamorous lifestyle". (I believe that this attitude is shared by most sincerely polyamorous people. Hence a possible common "polyamory lifestyle".)

On to your 2nd chosen definition: "A way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes or values of a person or group." Let me draw your attention to that little word "or". It's used 3 times. So if I state that my polyamory is "A way of life [...] that reflects the attitudes [...] of a person (me) [...]" [not to mention my values], how can you argue with my saying that - for me - polyamory is a lifestyle? You wanna argue with Mister Pedant Man AND your "trusty ol' American Heritage dictionary"???
 
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Calm down and have a chill-pill. No one is "messing" with you or your multiple personalities. Looks like your imaginary friend is "messing" with NYC from here.
 
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Calm down and have a chill-pill. No one is "messing" with you or your multiple personalities. Looks like your imaginary friend is "messing" with NYC from here.
I'm as chilled as you like. I don't get het up about other people choosing to use words like "lifestyle" if they so wish. And you're rather stating the obvious. Of COURSE Mister Pedant Man is messing with NYC! Do you honestly believe that anybody could use an identity like Mister Pedant Man without being tongue in cheek (and poking fun at themselves at the same time)??? I'm laughing about such a storm brewing in such a small teacup.

It's not me that needs chill-pills.
 
So no one can poke fun at you but you?

I'll write that on my list of important things to not forget as soon as i'm through poking fun at you.
 
Mister, while for you, polyamory is a lifestyle, there is no one-size-fits-all polyamorous lifestyle. There just isn't. One person can call their version of polyamory a lifestyle and yet how they practice polyamory could be widely different from how another person practices polyamory. So where is the lifestyle? It would be more appropriate to say you live a lifestyle which includes polyamory, or simply that you have polyamorous relationships in your life. But a lifestyle? What would that "style" of life look like, to be polyamorous, when there are so many ways to do it?
 
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... allows me to talk about my "polyamorous lifestyle". (I believe that this attitude is shared by most sincerely polyamorous people. Hence a possible common "polyamory lifestyle".)

You can speak of your personal lifestyle all you wish and that doesn't make for a "lifestyle" shared by polyfolk. This freedom to choose how many you love is also shared by monofolk--one doesn't have to be granted that as an additional freedom to be poly.

As I said before, I'm waiting to see a description of this supposed "poly lifestyle."

I find the very notion that such exists to be detrimental to polyfolk in general. Those just beginning to wrap their heads around the idea of multiple romances being possible can be led to believe there is some particular way to do things beyond developing the same relationship skills that apply in healthy mono couplings. The notion of there being some "poly lifestyle" that folk adopt serves to reinforce the notion among scornful mono folk that polyamory is something that is the result of a whim and not worthy of respect; such drives prejudice and discrimination, as can be seen by that line of reasoning being used with regard to gay folk.

In this thread I see some "but poly is part of MY lifestyle so it has to be A 'Lifestyle.'" Poly is also part of my lifestyle and I doubt there's much in common between their lives and mine other than we do poly and come to this set of boards. In other words, we share no "lifestyle" and simply do poly as part of our personal lifestyles.
 
So no one can poke fun at you but you?

I'll write that on my list of important things to not forget as soon as i'm through poking fun at you.
I encourage people to poke fun at me! I'm a semi-professional clown. Were you poking fun at me? Sorry! I didn't understand that. It seemed to me that you thought I really needed a "chill-pill" and that you were criticising me for "messing" with NYC. Like one of your earlier replies to me ( http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7537&highlight=GEEZUS+millisecond&page=3 ) I guess that I just don't understand your sense of humour. My loss...

[Could you give me a little help here by including :rolleyes:s, :ps, ;)s, or :Ds? ... Or maybe inventing an obviously ridiculous super-hero alter ego?]
 
Mister, while for you, polyamory is a lifestyle, there is no one-size-fits-all polyamorous lifestyle. There just isn't. One person can call their version of polyamory a lifestyle and yet how they practice polyamory could be widely different from how another person practices polyamory. So where is the lifestyle? It would be more appropriate to say you live a lifestyle which includes polyamory, or simply that you have polyamorous relationships in your life. But a lifestyle? What would that "style" of life look like, to be polyamorous, when there are so many ways to do it?
nycindie, while for some people, small-town rural living is a lifestyle, there is no one-size-fits-all small-town rural lifestyle. There just isn't. One person can call their version of small-town rural a lifestyle and yet how they practice small-town rural could be widely different from how another person practices small-town rural. So where is the lifestyle? It would be more appropriate to say you live a lifestyle which includes small-town rural, or simply that you have small-town rural relationships in your life. But a lifestyle? What would that "style" of life look like, to live in a small, rural town, when there are so many ways to do it?:p:p:p

This goes for Autumna Tone, as well, so I don't have to reply to your comment separately. You never answered my question: AFAYAC, WHAT constitutes a life-style?

As I said before, I'm waiting to see a description of this supposed "small-town rural lifestyle."

I find the very notion that such exists to be detrimental to small-town rural folk in general.

AT and NYCI: If the 2 of you don't like the expression "life-style", I suggest that you complain to the publishers of dictionaries.

If you only object to it being used by certain polys to talk about their life choices, I suggest that you both (and others) take a deep breath and calm down:):). There are some of us who will certainly continue to use it as a shortened version of more round-about descriptions of what we mean.

p.s. I'm also guilty of having used that awful expression "lovestyle"!:eek:
 
I wonder if the term "lifestyle" came out of the swingers turned poly that are in the community; the word I tend to use most often. I use "community I think because communities to me can be made up of many different people and different takes on a similar thing. I am part of the burlesque community also, but we all have a different take on that and come together with the same interest, love for what we do and a love for each other because of it. It makes me feel as if I belong when I say I am in a community of like minded people.

I have noted a few people out there in my life that are not interested in any of it. They don't like to talk about poly at all because of the over use of definitions and descriptions. They claim that they are just dating and everyone knows each other. It has been quite refreshing actually. I totally get it. I still like using the language that has come out of poly as a way of transcending what limited language there is because of our monogamous culture. Yes culture. Don't ask me why, it just works for me. I like the fact that when I speak to people that are poly, they know what I am talking about because of the language that has come out as a necessity.

Really, like anything, we all have our take. I love that we even have space to question such things... personally, not because I want to see it changed, just because its interesting. :)
 
I still like using the language that has come out of poly as a way of transcending what limited language there is because of our monogamous culture. Yes culture.

The term "monogamous culture" is not incorrect. Western culture has been primarily monogamous, hence a monogamous culture. But a culture is not a lifestyle.

A culture is a collective of individuals who share certain values that connect them, and adhere to those values to be accepted as part of that collective or group. Such values can be language, mode of dress, sexual practices, and so on. We are usually enculturated by others who pass on their values and teach us to accept them in order to fit into the culture. We can leave behind a culture that no longer works for us and adopt a new one, but what makes a culture are the values shared by the group, which are required to belong to that group. And belonging is very important to cultures, whether that culture operates in a larger society, or within the workplace ("corporate culture").

A lifestyle is something we create individually. It simply is a way of living that reflects who we are. It certainly can include elements of the culture in which we belong, or grew up in, but lifestyle is self-determined. That's a huge difference. And why there is no definitive polyamorous lifestyle, as I see it.
 
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